“Feminist” men (Interlude)

by Milla [she=he]

I told Aron to back the fuck off. To leave me space to deal with what I clearly expressed is offensive and emotionally upsetting material. Male chauvinism. — I went Mental CRAZY when we chatted, and I will make blog posts explaining it further, starting within a week ***— The guy is doing Absolutely Nothing herself to put the text together. But is instead taking enjoyment in Repeatedly posting offensive stuff before I even get the chance to take a rest, and look through the material, and collect enough Energy: Energies Needed to make the Effort to explain the Impossible — The guy is behaving like a jerk. A total jerk.

To quote the guy:

“you have been totally disgracing dfmeinism

by usiong these word sin vain

calling things sexist when they are not”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anti-sexist man

“the experience is all in your head”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anarchist man

“yes you a what you call a reversed sexist”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Feminist man

I posted the thing below on the guy’s facebook wall. I doubt it will stay up. I’m not allowed to comment. Well, well. What kind of feminism is that? She has no problem going after other men, and collecting praise from women for the heroic efforts made. But a woman with complaints?

The guy chose to write a private comment to me on chat instead, telling me to “show respect”, or else… No negative comments made on her facebook wall. It would disrupt her image. “Have Some Respect”.

Or else.

How about: No more patriarchal oppressive bullshit. Or else. Or else I will just break down. Go mad. Hate the world. Or else. Orelse, was the name of a lovely child who knew nothing of Gender related power structures. Orelse was a happy child. She grew up, speaking freely without shame. She felt listened to. She felt loved, and How She Loved. The world was beautiful. Oppression was a thing of the past. Orelse was free – and she loved her freedom, and she shared her freedom in harmony, in understanding. Orelse Never Had An Insane Day In Her Entire Life.

Not like me. The struggling feminist. Who can’t get any messages accross. Whose feelings mean nil and nothing. Whose “comrades” say: Only In Your Head.

Yes. And I wish we could live it. Not just think it. It’s all in my head. The beauty we could experience. But what I say with words, can not be made real. Orelse is a figment of my imagination. I live in a different world. I Never Had A Sane Day In My Entire Life.

This blog post is an Interlude following >> Hot Topic – Feminist Men #1. I recommend reading the comments to that blog post. In the comment section Orelse is far inside my mind. Nowhere to be found.

*** Feb 3, 2010. I figured there’s no stress in my life to do anything at all apart from quitting coffee drinking and dealing with whatever insecurities I have. So – after spending days and days of pointless arguing.. I will push this in the future, and do whatever seems sensible to me in order to get over all the disturbing shit i face on a daily basis. Sexism will never end, so it’s not as if there won’t be more of this shit coming my way. In other words: No stress. I’ll deal with this — Later.


Hot topic – Feminist Men #1

by Milla [she=he]

I just posted this on the facebook wall of a feminist man. The guy took it down. Twice.. This will be continued in the following days. It will show just how fucked up I get by dealing with sexist behavior All The Time.

Twitter – News for the Nerdy

by Milla [she=he]

I got on Twitter yesterday. A Social networking and Micro-blogging system. I don’t really know how it works yet, but the basic idea is to make it possible to follow whatever news and share whatever information that make sense to you: Anything from the life of the Queen of Jordan to what a Brain Surgeon is up to in Haiti. Here’s a Radical Feminist with communication problems >>

Be the news: Create your own headlines with 140 signs and a Twitter account.

>> Click this link for more information on Twitter

In solidarity with Celie’s Revenge – Sister Outsider

by Milla [she=he]


Me being a white woman stating that I’m in selfish solidarity with this struggling radical feminist might even cause more hateful attacks directed at her and not against myself according to the twisted logic of racist hatred dished out by the “Sister Insiders” of the radical feminist scene.

So, saying here in this space that “Hey! I like what you do. And it’s seriously wrong that you don’t get listened to. I wish I knew how to support you in a sensitive unselfish way, and that there was no such thing as hierarchies creating insiders and outsiders in this scene, but instead that there could be non-threatening ways for the marginalized to take space by a welcoming mainstream — That it would be possible to speak without fear of punishment.” Making a simple statement like that – openly – could in fact be causing harm, and doing her a huge disfavor!

When everything is this fucked up. Hierarchies so strong – ignorance so wide. Words are not just words but carry worlds of pain, hate, disappointment. Power. They distance and tear us apart. The tactics and morals by the ones in constant confrontation – constant struggle, are sometimes inconsistent and sometimes not even known to ourselves, and when not talked about, when not made clear – the distinct behavioral patterns, defense mechanisms, political actions end up clashing against each other, resulting in Distrust, Alienation, Frustration. Rupture. I’ve let this woman down by speaking without care, and I’ve let others down by speaking without care. Talking is my way of surviving this madness called life. I’ve been told to Fuck Off and that I don’t recognize my white privilege, which is true. And yet, I’m willing to be accountable for what I do.

By re-posting her words I might just do the wrong and selfish thing again. But this is what is in my heart at the moment.


Copy pasted without permission for the purpose of inserting (absolutely random googled!) links in the text. Read the original !! by clicking the link below. Before this some words by Shakespeare..

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Audre Lorde Called Herself “Sister Outsider” For a Reason

by Celie’s Revenge

What you hear in my voice is fury, not suffering. Anger, not moral authority. — Audre Lorde

I’m both amused and annoyed by how many white women in the radical feminist blogosphere are invoking Audre Lorde. As if they actually understood Audre and would support Audre if she were alive today?


Audre Lorde said her response to racism was anger. But angry black women get made out to be liars, thieves, mentally ill and dangerous if we don’t direct that anger at white feminist approved targets like men, preferably black men!

Audre was nobody’s darling so don’t claim her now if you wouldn’t have claimed her then!

How many white women would Audre be allowed to call out on their racism before she’d be crucified by white supremacist feminists and their black and brown enablers?

I say the same thing to black men who now find it trendy to read and quote bell hooks as proof positive of their feminist dude status: would you have heard bell hooks before she became bell hooks?

Since the crux of bell’s earliest work dealt with the struggle to get black males to own their male privilege and hear black feminist critique without defensiveness how many of these same feminist dudes who quote bell now that she’s a achieved legendary status wouldn’t have called bell bitter, crazy, man-hater, divisive in the same way that white women who have come to essentialize Audre’s radical feminist legacy wouldn’t have branded her essays “rants”, called her a liar and divisive (for the Daly drama), crazy and a trouble maker?

Black women are not allowed to be flawed or complex. Not like white women. Their whiteness affords them the benefit of the doubt. Black women are either good or bad. Favored or rejected. Brought into the fray or alienated from it so we are forced to create our own space or call ourselves Sister Outsider as Audre Lorde did and walk alone.

Audre’s legacy of brilliance and her unapologetic anger at the self righteous unchecked rabid racism her white feminist so-called sisters is easier to take and therefore distort in her absence if we can make her into some sort of “magical negress”: invoked and essentialized as “good” and benevolent not angry and unapologetic towards white women to assuage white feminist guilt for alienating her while she was alive.

Because let’s not forget: Audre Lorde called herself a “Sister Outsider” for a reason.

You would not have loved her then so how dare you love her now?

My life, in interaction with others :-)

by Milla [she=he]

Facebook oneliners in interaction with others 🙂

And I just fixed up my Couch Surfer profile.

There are weekly cs meetings in Helsinki. Every thursday at Cafe Talo, six o’clock (Hämeentie 2).

The couch surfer profiles are not simple for persons like myself who would like One Big Magic button to click and fix it all. Here you have to go through more than 10 different buttons to fill in a profile, but it’s definitely worth it, since people usually don’t respond to empty pages. I was also told that it’s better to go to the face to face meetings to hook up with people. I wish I would have known about this sooner. Maybe my time in Finland wouldn’t have been so lonely.


My life, in interaction with others :P

by Milla [she=he]

Things I don’t understand And Possibly Never will:

Aleksi Lilleberg – The Dictator (Satama)

by Milla [she=he]

Aleksi Lilleberg. One of the persons who bullied me. One of the persons with power to bully. No community = No accountability.

I still have fears. Of not being able to speak openly. I guess I’m walking straight towards that goal for some reason. Maybe cause it feels normal. To be like a ‘stupid’ child, with no secrets, and no rules. Just speak and await the shocked reactions or condescending laughs by the ones housebroken by Civilized Culture. I know just how to say the wrong things. Many persons feel hurt by what I say, what I don’t keep to myself.

Like for instance this: Aleksi Lilleberg is the one who started the conflict with my official exclusion from the social center in Helsinki. As the admin of a mailing list related to the social center, she took no notice of the sexist bullying going on. I’ve heard by others that she herself got bullied in school, but I find it hard to believe since she couldn’t relate to what I was going through with constant harsh words. She denied the sexism going on. And pronounced herself ‘dictator’ over the list. Could be that she would use a word like that to express the frustration she had over having all that power/responsibility all by herself, with no community there to guide and support. Maybe she doesn’t work well under stress. Maybe being bullied before gets her affected by a hateful atmosphere, caving in to the peer pressure of the ones speaking violent words. Maybe – maybe – maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know her reasons. I only know how I felt when she said that there was no sexism on the list (I had been told that I was hated because I’m a feminist, and because I speak, and that I should shut up and get laid). She said this wasn’t sexism, but just a bit of bad behavior. At the same time she writes private emails to me asking me if I want to get off the list. And when I say no, and ask her why she said there was no sexism on the list, then she signs me off anyway. Says I have a lack of proportions and mental problems.

And with her signing me off, that was the start of the official exclusion from that place. That was the start of people “knowing” who I am and how I am. People who I don’t know who easily tell strangers that ask about me: “She’s Crazy!”

It’s hard being in the position of living with these feelings years later on. Cause it does take years to get over something as severe as what is happening inside social center Satama.

I’ve made a choice to be in solidarity with my own sanity. There are people hurt by that. People who don’t want their story told on this blog. I guess no one is really interested in having the story about Aleksi burning the juggling balls of a lover, and then grabbing her fingers and bending her arm back until she was in pain. No one but me is interested in having that story, that pain, told in the open. There were more people around witnessing this. There were people witnessing and maybe even recognizing that this was wrong. But no one did anything. The person Aleksi was bullying requested for help, and got a cold shoulder in return.

People remember this happening. Maybe some remember Aleksi saying that hating feminists and wanting them to shut up and get laid has nothing to do with sexism. Maybe some remember being at a meeting where bans in general were to be discussed, and Aleksi aggressively standing up, saying that I’m not allowed to be in the same space. “She or I”.

Aleksi never made any effort to sort out what she did. She gave whatever random excuses, and people were there to support her upset feelings. While I was stuck with years of isolation and struggle. I know where I’m heading. If there’s a crossroads between “Speak” and “Don’t speak” I’m walking straight towards the shocked reactions and condescending laughs. No more silence for me.

Aleksi bullied me.

Anybody in contact with Aleksi, I recommend reading: