Halla-aho, pseudointellectual for the unintelligent

by Pre-Kaarina

Jussi Halla-aho has became a martyr after being carelessly sued for his blog writings.  The people are rightfully enraged, although his blog is provocative, criminal it is not.  In particular people have been enraged about the fact that blasphemy was the other of the charges. It is double standard  when you can sink a crucifix in urine, but you cannot call Mohammed a pedophile.

When it seems that our political left is toothless in criticizing Halla-aho and arrogant in assuming people’s support for their scheming more commonly known from East Europe under Statist Communism, few people have been courageous enough to analyze Halla-aho.

He uses Latin frequently, giving him a halo as a true intellectual. Intellectuals are usually pretty distant and probably envied by usual Finns. Education is valued especially among the uneducated masses.

His bottom line is that all people are equal, while he describes himself as a representative of white heterosexual males, who, if not a majority, comprize a significant amount of people. Then, “equality” for a minority dominated in white heterosexual male environment means “equality” between predator and predated.  That has always meant the rule of the mob.

For practical questions about much everything Halla-aho is dodging responsibility. This Messiah is not ready to ride an ass to Jerusalem and get himself crucified.

Fantasizing of killing a homosexual that had sexually harassed him in his blog reveals that he has poor judgment for what he writes and anger-control issues. He would be a political disaster, so he steers away from getting his hands dirty in scandals.  I would hate to be in a world where white heterosexual males like him would form any majority.

Dr. Halla-aho would not thrive politically very long unless so allowed by the intellectual vacuum left by the political left and their assinine political courts.

Emotional – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Budapest)

Boundaries - Personal or Political?

Boundaries - Personal or Political?

I went through a long period again of just drinking and coping – and in drinking feeling more miserable, and even more like i’m just coping instead of living. Going psychotic on coffee alcohol and the eternal fixation-focus on being taken seriously. The focus i have on trying to point out sexism, and also getting recognition of that sexism hurts. The focus of trying to change things for the better. Make things nicer and less hurtfull in the end.

I don’t know why i do what i do. I get really triggered by people asking me over and over again “Why do you do it? Why don’t you find less hurtful people to talk and create with?”

Over and over again experiencing the same thing. There is no movement. There is a scene. And in that scene there is some awareness, but not enough to lead us to actually care for one another. Not enough to take clear stands. Instead dominant behavior is interpreted as a part of peoples personalities. Something we’re born with. Causing people to use their influence to spread their dislike for one another and the ones perceived as the “other”.

I see most of the conflicts related to power imbalance. Inequalities. It’s not about differing personalities, it’s about different power positions and the non-awareness of these systems within ourselves. Conflicts cannot be talked about or resolved, since this would break with status quo – and this in itself would go against the system(s). That’s the toughest part. Breaking the silence. And step number two – ignore the societal boundaries within; expressed as individual and personal boundaries. Force the ones with dominant behavior to listen and self-reflect.

Like now for instance. That (h) takes it upon herself to play mayor of Budapest and tell both (d) and myself that i shouldn’t even come to the city. Asking me what i would do there. Making a decision for not only herself regarding her dislike and hatred for me, but also spread that to “her” city. The 2 million living here are not able to make up their own minds on what bonds of solidarity and what likings and dislikings they have. both (pe) and (n) reacted on (h) telling me not to step foot on this particular area of land. Most seem to agree that she has a right to say no to having me in the common flat – without giving specified reasons – especially since she owns it. Mayor over some floor and walls and doors, and limiting the connections for the people inside that space, is not seen as ridiculous as taking ownership over the scene or the city. This is seen as her own personal boundaries, and she doesn’t need to discuss why others should be prevented from getting to know me.

It’s really simple stuff. Like having a social event in the community flat making pizza together. (d) in that case feeling that it’s okay to make the choice, saying to the people in the flat, that she’s spending some time with me, and since i’m not welcome in the flat she won’t be there either.

The constant self-reflection on my own boundaries, and where my needs go, since i’m so isolated and damaged all the time. The not coming to pizza because of hanging out with the outcast is not enough solidarity, when at the same time going over to the flat to share love and affection and intimacy with (h), saying with sighs that “she doesn’t understand” and therefor it’s “not possible” to push her to really listen. working on projects with (mx) and (h) that are clearly stated to be antiauthoritarian and at the same time let 2 [sic!] persons speak for the whole scene – community flat – infoshop – freeshop — city, without questioning the decision making process or their authority (but instead start defending their decisions because of this being a part of their own personal individual psychological boundaries that should be protected and respected at all cost).

The thing that attracts me to the scene are the words. I believe it is possible to put them into practice. Not just live in some fantasy world where we’re fighting evil capitalism and on the side just happen to have some annoying “others” creating “personal” quarrels about petty things like being excluded for their “otherness”. The scene is still not breaking with the norm of White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy.

I’m so angry for always being left alone in this. I’m so angry for being told that it’s not important and that the efforts i make are useless and worthless. I’m angry at the sympathy and solidarity always going to the ones maintaining status quo.

(h) has been using the usual stalling tactics [i’m not saying that she’s aware of her ignorance – just that she’s repeating patterns that are wellknown to me]. The first time i met her in person, was at an antifascist demonstration. I asked her about my exclusion and she told me she didn’t want to give me any reasons for it – that she had already explained why – i said i still didn’t understand the reasons, and that i would deserve to hear it from her. She told me she didn’t want to speak. She told me she had a sore throat. And eventually just walked away from the situation.

(mx) was at the same demonstration. I told her that there is clear sexism in her writings to me, and that we should arrange a meeting and talk about the exclusion. She said that she doesn’t want it. I asked her if she recognized the sexism in her writings, and she said no. I asked for a chance to at least get that talked about. And she said she didn’t care. She doesn’t want to talk about it.

It’s really that easy for the norm to refuse dialogue with the “other”. I go mad because of it. It’s simple and effective torture – getting ignored. Or listened to with a smile and told to deal with it the best i can. The issue is not important for the rest of the collective.

Like with (h) for instance. Looking for the evil somewhere else, not seeing her own lack of empathy in my case to be something related to the capitalist system she clearly stated in her correspondance with me to be more important than having a face to face talk where there might be a possibility of reaching an understanding that in fact — we do have a problem. And we should try to solve it.

I went crazy nuts because of not understanding the love and how it’s shared, and why it’s shared in this unequal way. (h) has spent hours on writing to me in order to avoid a meeting – saying that she doesn’t understand what the meeting is for. This in spite of me telling her that it’s about *Her part in an *Exclusion process regarding – *Sexism *Discussion Culture *Decision Making process. In short: The basics. If she’s prepared to speak for the City of Budapest; The Anarchists and Activists in it; The people that she share living space with; The people involved in projects like the infoshop and freeshop. If she takes on this role, she’s more than the innocent “child in a divorce” that she painted herself out to be in the mail where she told me to stay out of town. She is a person fully responsible of her actions, and she should be able to cope with dealing with what comes after.

(h) spent time writing to me about all the other important things and obligations that she has that prevents her from dealing with her own oppressive behavior. I’ve asked her to set a date for a meeting. And no clear answer. Just: “I’m stressed, not now”. And when i get into to town. The first thing i hear is that she’s been taking time to arrange a meeting regarding another exclusion process going on in the city. Creating a space where not only the dominant point of view spoken by a few men will be heard. It’s a meeting where the men will not be present, in order for other voices to get heard. The meeting is with the theme of – Sexism, Male dominance, Exclusion.

One woman will ask me to get invited to the meeting since it’s related to my own situation with (h) and (mx). And also cause it would make sense having a person like myself participating since i’ve stayed closely related to the afore mentioned subjects for about 9 years. Having a radical feminist in a meeting like this wouldn’t hurt.

Political exclusion 2 – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Vienna, 216 kilometres from Budapest)

Dancing Woman - Sculpture by Colleen Madamombe click this for more: http://www.zimsculpt.com/artist.php?id=5

Dancing Woman - Sculpture by Colleen Madamombe.

Click this for more info on Colleen Madamombe.

„Bailando bailando amigos adios, adios el silencio loco” – Paradisio [Bailando lyrics]

“Dancing dancing – friends – bye bye to the mad silence”

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This is a transcript [not super super exact] of what was recorded from the attempt to exclude this traveling Cunt from an open infoshop event in Budapest.

More will be posted on what happened during this event later. (I’m a total drunk and exhausted at the moment. Don’t have the energy for it. Feeling kind of “all alone in the world”…)

This post is related to this and this and this post as well.

Transcript from this:

Budapest Infoshop – Greek Fire

Can be listened to here(mp3) or here(ogg).

[Can also be clicked on and listened to from here. Scroll down to the player with the title “Intro and confusing dispute between (v) and someone from Finland….”]

The audio starts with…

General information about the first public event of Morze infoshop in the new place at T street, plus some practical “no smoking in the facilities” – talk.

Language: English, Hungarian.

5.10

(mx) And then there is a second part which is a little bit more difficult, we had a conflict with one person, I mean, me and Vlanto, and Vlanto said that he doesn’t want to do the presentation if this person is here, so, we tried to resolve this conflict, and she proposed that she will go out, and come back after the event, and then in the second part of the event, it will be an opportunity to talk about this conflict, if people would like to discuss it.

[(mx) makes a translation.]

6.45

(mx) So we found – I think the rational behind this, was that the conflict shouldn’t be swept under the rug, but we should also have the event, and talk about the topic of the event itself. And I think, eh, this is.. this person is here, I don’t know if you want to give your name…

7.10

(me) Ah, okay, so, hi, my name is Milla, and I live in Helsinki in Finland, and I don’t really understand any rational reasons for why I wouldn’t be able to attend this open event and share, like get the same information that you will be getting, but since it was told to me that this person here will refuse to do the presentation if I’m present, at least I wanted to bring some attention to this fact that I’m leaving this room now, because of this, and for me it’s clearly a political issue as well, and I think it’s very common in these kind of environments that we do these kind of things.

[pointing at (mx) and (v)] And I hope that you two, after the event will join,

right?

8.00

(mx) I didn’t think about this before, I don’t… I couldn’t say at the moment…

8.05

(me) Ah, okay, because for me it is an issue that I still don’t understand, like, why I’m being excluded, and I’m stepping out just because of you saying that you refuse to do it. So I’m…

8.14

(person#1) Well, I’m sorry, I will leave also if you leave,

8.17

(pa) That’s what I wanted to say: I leave as well, because I don’t…

8.19

(person#1) No, no, no. You see, it’s impossible. You know, the whole fucking subject in Greece and all around the world is about exclusion.

8.27

(pa) Yes, that…

8.30

(person#1) So, social classes, social groups, eh, different sexes, and behaviors, and attitudes, and political, and economical, and legal opinions are excluded. There is no, any legal base to exclude someone. So if you leave, I leave also.

8.54

(pa) And I leave also, because I don’t agree with this method that we just exclude somebody because we had a problem…

9.01

(person#1) Incredible. Scandal.

9.03

(pa) … in the past with her or him, so I, if, I will leave as well.

9.07

(mx) Can you make a translation before you leave?

9.09

(pa) Okay …

[(pa) makes a translation, and then another person speaks in Hungarian.]

10.20

(person#1) Okay, I agree, so don’t, don’t …shouldn’t do it. He…

10.27

(mx:tr) Ehm, that eh.. He said that he’s Vidal Victor, and he said that, he mentioned some of the same reasons that you said, ehm, to Vlanto before the event, when we were arguing, and, ehm, he realized that it’s not just about a political point, it is about psychological boundaries, or limit, psychological limits of someone, if he just freaks out, and this is happening, then he thinks that it’s…

11.06

(pa) Well, but I can’t accept this argument, because, we’d have to support Vlanto to do … actually to do like this … but, you know, it’s so general to speak about natural boundaries, even in all kinds of techniques of exclusion, that it’s natural that we exclude somebody because we have to be always the same or we just like the politics of sameness, and I don’t like this kind of politics. And that’s why I will leave also.

[(mx) makes a translation. a person says something in Hungarian.]

12.09

(mx) Okay, we can have this kind of discussion in the third part…

12.14

(me) But still I didn’t get an answer, because the issue that I have is that I still haven’t gotten like, the reasons for why I can’t participate, so I feel that it should be cool if you could attend as well. You didn’t really give a clear answer on that.

12.30

(mx) Okay, I will attend.

12.30

(me) Spend some time with me after this.

12.34

(mx) I said to you several times that I don’t want to meet you. So I don’t feel that, you have like the power to draw me into this, but if you really want to, eh, I can, but as I said, I don’t really want to do it.

12.48

(me) Yes, since I’m leaving the room, I would very much like to have you present, because since you’ve said that you’re involved in the, yeah…

12.52

(mx:tr) Okay, then I…

[(mx) makes a translation.]

13.25

(me) So that’s a yes? Yeah.

13.26

(mx) Yes.

13.26

(me) And Vlanto?

13.28

(v) I don’t answer. I mean, I don’t feel comfortable, and this is my problem, and this is not only, about, this is not about political exclusion or something. It’s that I don’t feel comfortable when somebody, eh, with violence comes here, and know it before, and, to disrupt this meeting, and we have to discuss 20 minutes, eh, about this, about this part. And this is my problem, but, I mean, if you feel that you want to stay, stay, and if you want to share this information – because you used these words – you can stay, but just to the rest of the people, I want to apologize, but maybe it’s a personal psychological whatever issue, but I, yeah, I used to feel nervous, and also I don’t like provocations, and this is another part. But this is all.

14.18

(mx:tr) Eh, I didn’t pay attention…

[(d) makes a translation. somebody says something in Hungarian. (d) says something back.]

15.02

(me) Okay, so this means that it’s okay if I stay in this space, while you’re doing your presentation?

15.09

(v) If you receive it like this,yeah, stay. If you receive it like this. I said the opposite, but yeah, you can stay.

15.15

(me) Okay, it wasn’t clear to me. What I was asking…

15.19

(v) It’s clear that I don’t like your provocation, and your… the violence that you are using.

15.22

(person#2) We don’t care about your personal bullshit, just start this.

15.24

(v) Okay.

War, what is it good for? – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze – Wien, 216 km from Budapest)

War, what is it good for? - Absolutely nothing.

War, what is it good for? - Absolutely nothing. (Peaceful conflict resolution, plz)

Cunt Incognita – Fotze – is in Vienna, 216 km away from Budapest, the scene of a gruesome totalitarian, authoritarian exclusion of a radical feminist cunt traveling in peace.

Looking forward to visit the conference: “How feminist is the left? How left is feminism?” and at the same time trying to get the undiscussible scheduled for a talk in neighbouring country Hungary.

Here’s what was just passed on in the negotiations for an open discussion culture and fair decision making process within the Budapest community flat, infoshop, freeshop activity.

Hopefully the conflict can be solved in another way than the usual patriarchal war (right/wrong, winner/loser) way.

Hopefully power play can be replaced with dialogue.

hello (h),
hello (d),

this is something that concerns you both, since you were both part of the decision making process (taking different roles) behind the attempts to exclude me from the community flat, infoshop and freeshop, before even coming to Budapest.

i consider this to be a political exclusion, not only relating to how radical feminists are being treated in the movement, but also related to how the Discussion Culture and Decision Making is not done according to this “antiauthoritarian” political model that the infoshop in Budapest is supposed to represent:

see the flyer —
“People who come to Budapest for the first time can get in touch with the antiauthoritarian political underground.” — a total lie in my case.
http://balkans.puscii.nl/?q=content/morze-infoshop-budapest-new-flyers-out-now-printing

This is in relation to what you, (h), wrote to me before I came to Budapest:

YOU # 1:  But answering any useful info to you would mean that I would feed the contact and both the activist/anarchist scene would tell me – how can you do things before discussing it with us etc, i mean serious things etc.? and both you would be in a position that can split the “process” here. (i hate this expression just a bit less then the term “project”)

ME:
1a) I would like to know what you mean with the word “process”.
1b) I would also like to know how me visiting Budapest would “split” the process. What concrete actions that would cause this “split”, and also what
1c) effects such a “split” would have (negative, positive. is it unwanted / wanted?)
1d) I would also like to know what you mean when you’re referring to the “activist/anarchist scene” telling you can’t pass information – such as, for instance, telling people who are interested in meeting with an anarcha-radical feminist that they would have a possibility to meet up with me when I was visiting the city. I would like to know why this type of information would be “serious” (in a negative way?) What process do you wish for?

YOU # 2: there are people living here who think you are paranoid and accusing people because you don’t trust anyone. anyways, i’m 1000% sure that the local community will have a consensus (in fact it already has) that you cannot come to this flat in jan-february, that’s for sure and nobody talked about afterwards, but basically this is sure, and probably it will be true for the infoshop and freeshop too.

ME:
2a) I wrote to (k) and she said that she is totally influenced by you and (mx), and at the same time she points out that it’s fair to hear all parties out before a reasonable, fair decision can be reached.
2b) We have a fundamentally different idea on the practice of consensus. The way it’s been practiced in Budapest regarding my exclusion, has strong similarities with totalitarian fascist politics, and I would therefor find it vital to talk about the process behind this consensus that you mention in your mail to me, as a newcomer to the city.
2c) I would like to know who you include in the expression “local community” – and in what way this community was involved in, and taking part in the statements that you are making on my exclusion from the community flat, infoshop and freeshop.

[especially since i’ve heard that your opinions and statements about me has had a strong influence on other persons.]

YOU # 3: I think you will have lot of troubles getting to know the small scene here – it’s really fucking small, so you will be directly or very fast banned and there will be gossips and everything, I don’t think you want to experience but exactly the opposite: since you know about the situation here – and don’t act like you don’t know what the hell i’m talking about because we both know anyways – well i’m thinking about whether you want to come here to re-live being banned and then have something to complain about?

ME:
3a) that I will be directly and very fast banned and that there will be rumors and gossip spread about me, is once again something that I see related to a seriously dysfunctional discussion culture (the politics of “sameness”, and exclusion of unwanted ideas/ practices without first having a discussion about these differences – is once again something that i see going against the idea of nonauthoritarian / horizontal decision making)
3b) since I know that you, (h), is one of the persons influencing other with your ideas of me, I also see that there’s a threat in you telling me that I will come to Budapest and with a certainty re-live being banned.
3c) i also find it unfortunate that you would use the word “complain”, instead of seeing the work i do as awareness raising, and trying to raise an open inclusive political discussion on the topic of exclusion and decision making and discussion culture within the radical left.
3d) i would like to get clarification in what it is that you assume that we both know – and why you tell me I should not pretend that I don’t know what you are talking about? (since I really don’t know what it is you are referring to)

YOU # 4: i don’t understand why you want to come here and I can only tell you it’s not a good idea and don’t do it, if you ask me. or take in consideration that you won’t be welcome and even (d) cannot help in this, i think.

4a) as i wrote to you before, i was going to Budapest because I experienced a positive connection with (d) – who also helped me get in contact with several interesting persons in the Budapest scene. during my time there I managed to initiate a feminist self-defense group, a group consisting of women from the p-collective, labris, and nane. i consider this to be fairly successful work, and i’m happy that i managed to achieve this inspite of the emotional stress i was going through because of the strange and unfair politics that occured within the infoshop, community flat, freeshop collective.
4b) the non-welcoming atmosphere from you, (h), speaking for the infoshop >> “People who come to Budapest for the first time can get in touch with the antiauthoritarian political underground.” << I see as an expression of there being an absolute need for a talk on what kind of process you’re interested in having and maintaining within your collective.
( ! ! ! )

So, I would like to meet and talk with you (h) about this somewhere between March 25-31st or April 1-6th. (a group talk, with persons that feel involved or related to what’s going on with the community flat, infoshop, freeshop – or “the scene” in general.)

What date would be possible for you? answer this asap, please.

Even half an hour is good enough for me in order to get these important discussions started, of course I would wish that you could reconsider and take some more time for it. But since half an hour is what you’ve reserved for it so far – the questions above are questions that I would like to have answered at this meeting.

in struggle for
fairness, openess,
and peace
(me) – Radical Feminist, Human Being

——————————

—–
t r a n s p a r e n c y:

(d) didn’t reply to the email on my request for a third person as support, reading the email exchange between you (h) and i. so i contacted her over a chat in order to find out if she would be okay with this. and here’s an excerpt of the conversation, where she okays taking part in the exchange of trying to arrange a meeting. i will also publish this email on this blog.
https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/

there’s probably a whole lot of things that would be triggering for you (h). just as there’s a whole lot of things that trigger me in the things that you say and write. [if there are things that are triggering for you in this communication (d), i hope that you are also speaking about it openly, i don’t expect you to be an outsider/alien in this process. feel free to speak whatever comes to mind.]

i can explain what i mean with “insane” and “oppressive”. i can point out words and phrases and say how i feel when i see these words and phrases. this way we would be able to come to an understanding about something that is truly hurtful (*and* damaging for the *movement* – splitting processes, or stopping them, before they even get started. or as i would call it: the process of maintaining status quo.)

[2:36:46 AM] (me) : hmm. are you there?
[2:37:25 AM] (d): yes
[2:37:32 AM] (d): i have linux now… trying it out
[2:38:11 AM] (me): how are you?
[2:38:44 AM] (me): (or is that a difficult question? sometimes i really really hate hearing that question.)
[2:40:33 AM] (me): anyhow. wondering about the (h)-(mx)-exclusion- thingy. are you okay with witnessing? i’m pushing for an answer, cause i guess i will completely confused with time and everything as usual on the road, and i don’t want the opportunity to slip away.
[2:40:52 AM] (me): (well. “opportunity” or whatever i should call it.)
[2:41:03 AM] (d): what witnessing?
[2:41:28 AM] (me): like i sent you and (h) an email where i was saying that i can’t stand speaking with her alone anymore.
[2:41:39 AM (me): cause it’s just totally oppressive
[2:41:41 AM] (me): not nice
[2:41:58 AM] (me): so, it helps if there’s a third person
hanging around.
[2:42:05 AM] (d): ok
[2:42:06 AM] (me): then i don’t feel so exposed and alone
[2:42:17 AM] (me): did you get the email?
[2:44:35 AM] (me): cause you didn’t respond to it.
[2:47:03 AM] (me): hmm. like i don’t know if you’re drunk. or chatting or doing something. or technical problem. or just avoiding.
[2:47:07 AM] (me): drunk?
[2:47:33 AM] (d): trying to make linux work
[2:47:33 AM] (d): getting annoyed with it
[2:47:46 AM] (d): drinking beer to get tired enough
[2:47:46 AM] (d): have to get up at 7
[2:47:50 AM] (d): i got the mails
[2:47:58 AM] (d): but its too long
[2:47:58 AM] (d): didnt have time to read
[2:48:01 AM] (d): will read it sometime
[2:48:03 AM] (d): maybe in Berlin
[2:48:13 AM] (me): it’s better if i ask now. okay?
[2:48:25 AM] (me): cause it’s *really* important to me
[2:48:27 AM] (d): ask whatever you like
[2:49:33 AM] (me): i sent you and (h) an email, where i asked if you would be willing to be there as a third person, when deciding – trying to make clear – what and when and where the meeting with (h) + others would be.
[2:50:04 AM] (d): but im not going to be in Hungary so its only in mail
[2:50:09 AM] (me): yes
[2:50:20 AM] (d): i read that one
[2:50:22 AM] (d): had nothing to add
[2:50:29 AM] (d): cause you want to meet (h)
[2:51:07 AM] (me): i don’t understand what you mean? (or maybe: you didn’t understand what i asked for in the email?)
[2:51:22 AM] (me): nothing to add cause i want to meet (h)
[2:51:25 AM](me): ?
[2:51:50 AM] (d): yea
[2:51:55 AM] (d): what should i say?
[2:52:04 AM] (d): “(h)pls meet (me)?”
[2:52:07 AM] (me): no
[2:52:23 AM] (me): what i was asking for in the email was that you would be there as a support person.
[2:52:27 AM] (me): so i dont feel alone
[2:52:34 AM] (me): i consider her to be totally insane
[2:52:40 AM] (me): i dont feel comfortable with her
[2:52:48 AM] (me): shes completely oppressive
[2:52:57 AM] (me): so if there’s a third person there i feel more safe
[2:53:11 AM] (me): cause there’s the constant “i don’t understand what you mean”
[2:53:15 AM] (me): coming from her
[2:53:22 AM] (me): and then i just feel totally crazy
[2:53:28 AM] (me): not being able to explain anything
[2:53:33 AM] (me): and if you would be there
[2:53:40 AM] (me): and since you know this person
[2:53:58 AM] (me): then maybe you would also be able to help out with clarifying comments (if necessary)
[2:54:05 AM] (me): it should be fairly simple now.
[2:54:38 AM] (me): just to arrange a place for the half an hour (which in itself is outrageously sad)
[2:54:46 AM] (me): the half an hour she promised
[2:55:02 AM] (me): and try to get somekind of sensible thing out of that.
[2:55:26 AM] (me): but yes. the only thing i’m asking for is supportive “third person presence” by you
[2:55:55 AM] (me): like (s) did when speaking with the woman who told people on the social centre mailing list that i was mentally ill.
[2:56:53 AM] (me): is it clear now what i’m asking for?
[2:57:53 AM] (me): are you okay with this?
[2:58:14 AM] (d): i cant be there physically
[2:58:21 AM] (d): and even when i was there in Vienna
[2:58:25 AM] (d): it was the same
[2:58:54 AM] (d): but i read the mail if it makes you feel better
[2:59:16 AM] (me): the mail i sent you?
[2:59:56 AM] (me): (how much have you been drinking?)
[3:00:04 AM] (d): the 3 person mail
[3:00:19 AM] (d): 3-4 beers
[3:00:42 AM] (me): trying to understand. that you’re okay with witnessing?
[3:04:37 AM] (me): like i have no idea how it will work out. i just know i’m not fine with dropping the opportunity of getting the shitty exclusion situation discussed. cause it’s still not a political issue. just me being this aggressive type that it’s totally okay to ban and kick out. i can’t accept that. i can’t accept this shitty behavior from people who are supposed to be “antiauthoritarian” “antisexist” etc
[3:05:55 AM] (me): linux…?
[3:06:24 AM] (d): linux
[3:06:27 AM] (d): but i already said im ok if you send me the letters aswellú
[3:06:44 AM] (me): for me it’s important that everything is really clear.
[3:06:52 AM] (me): because if things fuck up
[3:06:59 AM] (me): i easily get hurt
[3:07:02 AM] (me): like damaged
[3:07:12 AM] (me): so i need to be really sure of what’s going on
[3:07:25 AM] (me): and now i know.
[3:07:36 AM] (me): i can send you the letters as well.
[3:07:59 AM] (me): (it’s still a bit strange to me that you didn’t answer the email)
[3:08:08 AM] (me): maybe lack of empathy
[3:08:10 AM] (me): ?
[3:08:53 AM] (me): okay. i will send an email with this chat.
[3:09:02 AM] (me): since you didn’t reply to the email.
[3:09:10 AM] (me): just to show how the decision was made.
[3:09:26 AM] (me): and then i’ll suggest a time and place as well.
[3:09:36 AM] (me): okay?
[3:09:45 AM] (d): i think we really differ
[3:09:52 AM] (d): you are a graphomaniac

…..

[3:20:31 AM] (me): aah. just checking again. i will send the part from the chat about you being okay with being third presence. okay?
[3:21:05 AM] (me): (i mean i really need to be this precise. like not freak out later about weird misunderstandings.)
[3:21:32 AM] (d): ok
[3:21:57 AM] (d): just saying: you posting stuff on the blog about (h) and (mx) will freak them out
[3:22:04 AM] (d): i dont think they read your blog
[3:22:08 AM] (d): but if they find out…
[3:22:19 AM] (me): (h) was reading the blog before.
[3:22:26 AM] (me): i don’t know.
[3:22:34 AM] (me): they are already totally freaked out
[3:22:42 AM] (me): i think

…..

Freedom

by Milla

Poo-scooping Verboten!

got hideously drunk yesterday. experiencing genuine finnish culture in a bar where people could get their suppressed emotions expressed in drunken karaoke. the usual “don’t leave me”, “you are the only one” songs with half-naked blond smiling women bouncing up and down in the background of the screen.

got home. drank any booze around the house. and eventually put my fingers down my throat cause i was just feeling sick. maybe there was even some memory loss.

missing out on a poly-meeting. which is a pity. something i look forward to. every 15th of the month. instead i’m here, by the computer, still trying to deal with the very thing that makes me sick.

getting the undiscussable talked about.  s-e-x-i-s-m. it seems like a completely unknown phenomenon to most people. nothing they recognize in their own behavior or in people they know.

it really drives me insane. getting the untalkable discussed is a maddening experience. i don’t know why i do it. why i don’t focus on taking care of my mental and physical health. get out of the city and cook and eat and breathe. it feels like i forget breathing all the time. get completely obsessed with trying to get some recognition to this huge problem called s-e-x-i-s-m.

i feel stressed by the blog. because hardly anything of all the insane shit that i’m exposed to ends up here. it’s just a fraction. and the human suffering and frustration. i wouldn’t know where to begin. moments of solidarity. there are plenty of those as well. still. no safe ways of dealing with it. i just dive in and do whatever comes to mind, fully aware that i will end up hurting. but the hurting in doing something and learning is better than the hurting in trying to put up with status quo.

hangover. head-ache. hangover. disappointment in myself for drinking. also a status quo. drinking in order to escape the obsessions. when meditation or physical exercise wouldn’t cause both the physical and mental agony that alcohol does. there are ways to feel better. but i choose not to. out of habit i guess.

s-e-x-i-s-m is a huge problem, but i don’t see why people make such a big deal out of it. the lynch mob atmosphere coming out whenever saying that “hey, sexism hurts”. the irrational fear of radical feminism – can anybody prove any harm done by radical feminism throughout history? i would really like to know. how about looking at the good things coming out of it?

how to make the truly insane behavior of s-e-x-i-s-m recognized as such by the ones doing it. like me and alcohol. leading nowhere. insane. i recognize it. i’m not in denial. just stupid. repeating the habit. hurtful shit.

with s-e-x-i-s-m there’s still heavy denial. historical burn the witch sentiments easily awakened in people. rumours starting. and off we go.  exclusion and victim-blaming and refusal to deal with it. there’s poo all over the scene (literally… many squats with dog and cat shit all over the place…) and nobody feels like picking it up. it’s out there in the open, and there i stand ready to scoop it up, but no. let’s kick her out. say that she wants to split the movement. like there’s some really good shit going on in the scene, and a feminist with clear intentions: “i got a scoop in my hand, and i’m coming in” is treated as a party-pooper. poo-scoopers are the enemies of freedom. poo-scooping is bad.

eeh. anyways. was going to make a post with a song i was dancing to yesterday after doing a lovely version of “losing my religion” with (p). after all the horribly monogamic-people-in-pain songs .. i recognize myself in it. been there done that. this time it’s different. like the song i was dancing to.

(this song is for you (d). hope you’re doing something to make you feel better. get out of the depression. — adding to another (d) who might possibly read this. that no, it’s not competition. just love. you can do it too, nobody’s preventing you. what the hell – the song is for you too.)

and more Depeche Mode on Freedom. (freestate lyrics)

I can hear your soul crying
Listen to your spirit sighing
I can feel your desperation
Emotional deprivation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your feelings show

Picking up the conversations
Deep in your imagination
Tune in to the lonely voices
Talking of their only choices

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your spirit grow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It’s time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom’s a state

I can taste the tears falling
The bitterness that’s inside you calling
Yearning for a liberation
Emotional emancipation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your senses overflow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It’s time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom’s a state

Feminists in Budapest? – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Pina)

A majority of male figures. And no Black faces. Hmm...

Before going to Budapest, I wrote an email to a person – (h) – about going there – asking for nice people to meet with. She’s an intimate and works with (d) so it was a natural thing to ask for contacts – even though I had never met with her face to face – in the same way she herself had gotten in contact with me through this blog, and also chatted with me about some of her personal experiences within the scene.

I had heard from (d) that this woman also had been facing unfair exclusion from one project. That there had been meetings where others didn’t show up when she was there, and finally she was told that this was the case, and she was asked to step out of the project. A clear case of bullying.

In my initital correspondance with her, these ideas were lingering in my mind, and I thought there was some trauma left in her, a real fear of people within the scene, and that this came out in the projections on me – when she told me not to come to the city.

Later I’ve thought that she might have some jealousy issue since I’ve also been intimate with (d) and she on repeated occassions said that she didn’t give contacts to me, because it was “up to (d) to decide about that”. And at the same time she’s saying that she doesn’t “feel seen like a person” by me, that she’s just someone in relation to something (a companion of (d)?, a part of the Budapest scene?, owner of a flat – living with (mx) and (v)?, a woman who contacted me over the blog about sexual abuse? an individual making up society and humanity?).

In hindsight I got to understand that this is one of the power figures within the scene. A person with influence, contacts, and disturbing dominant behavior.

A person who recently started talking about dealing with abusive behavior in her relation with (d), and at the same time is blind to her own abusive behavior in relation to me, a sister, a radical feminist within the European scene.

I’m tired of miscommunication, and the frustration of having to be alone in relation to the madness of sexist logic. (mx) saying that I’m a ‘rapist’. (h) sees me as someone who will ‘split the process’ and constantly ‘misunderstand’ things. A threat to the community. As (v) said – ‘The enemy of freedom’.

Dealing with power relations and hierarchies and oppressive behavior on an interpersonal level is something that is needed if we truly want community and a functioning effective (creative!) atmosphere to live the change we want to see. Make our visions and dreams as real as the oppressive patterns that lead us to mental illness, substance abuse, searching for sex instead of gentle comforting strokes, using people around us as tools to manipulate in order to get what we think we want and need, leading to: alienation, distrust, fear – disconnection.

Yesterday. When having a frustrating talk with (d) of how shit the communication is all over the place. When she was talking of her relation with (h). It hurt somehow, the – her working on a relation with someone who so clearly has a non-cooperative hostile attitude towards me. And me at the same time being in strong need of support and comfort in dealing with the massive oppressive miscommunication going on with (h) and me.

After pressure – I had told (h) that only brain cancer would be an acceptable excuse to escape the subject – she had finally agreed on meeting up for half an hour [sic!] to discuss her part in the attempt to exclude me from the Budapest scene.

The clear dominance there in her writings. Well. I was just getting more and more frustrated – feeling insane because of figuring out how to communicate what I want in a way that would be comprehensible to (h). So I contacted both (d) and (h) and said that I would talk with (d) first to get some feedback in order for me to figure out what I could possibly do to get the Discussion culture & Decision making processes discussed when back in Budapest.

(d) has been too tangled up in her own messed up situation, with intimate relations and conflicts that she hasn’t been able or willing to give the support I would need in this matter. She’s been sticking her head in the sand – or rather – drowning it in a can of beer. Me wanting to give her support, but at the same time being left alone with the huge load of Getting Sexism Discussed, leading to several hours of chatting with a person – (d) – “So when could we talk about this? Do you think you will be sober tomorrow?” And finally when given the chance to speak about it, me just giving up some of  the facilitation-communication and just crying and showing my finger, and in general being sarcastic, when trying to figure out what (d’s) perspective on this conflict has been. Cause we didn’t talk about it properly. So of course it just builds up in the end, the non-talking causes there to be too much to talk about and too little sensitivity, when there’s too little time taken for it.

When (d) was talking about dealing with abuse in the relation to (h), and I asked her if (h) sees herself as abusive in relation to me. The answer was ‘no’.

One supportive comment that came out of the chat was this:

[3/13/2009 11:54:39 PM] (me) : would you recognize her as abusive in relation to me?
[3/13/2009 11:56:08 PM] (d) : i guess so
[3/13/2009 11:56:51 PM] (d) : cause she defends the non-existing community against non-threats

And here’s the 10 letter email exchange I had with (h) before coming to Budapest. Subject line: ‘Feminists in Budpest?’

Watch out for some real nasty sexism.

FROM ME # 1

hello,

i know you stated on the XYZ list that you don’t trust me, so i guess
it’s completely up to you how you relate to my request (in other
words: don’t feel bad if you just drop this)

the request:
– could you help me get in contact with some feminists / other nice
people in budapest asap?
– i saw on your blog that you know (m), i met her in greece, so maybe
you could put me in contact with her?

background:
i decided to stop going crazy over the social centre conflict here in
helsinki and go to hungary for a short while. because of bureaucracy,
money, and other stuff a good time to leave would be around jan26th,
and it would take me some 3 days maybe getting there hitch-hiking.

i asked (d) already. but she’s too slow. and probably in need of a
break from the weird atmosphere in helsinki + me.

so, i would really appreciate if you could hook me up. (pass my email
on, or pass someone’s email / other contact info [skype, msn etc] to
me)

otherwise: i liked the post on property you had on your blog. i just
decided to give up the humongous computer i have + books + clothes i
never ever wash / use. i realized these things were the only reason
for me to find a permanent place to stay. so now i can go nomadic and
homeless again (mostly cause i feel super anxiety about living with
other people. it never works out… probably has a lot to do with my
own insecurities. and the usual bad communication, that can be found
almost everywhere.)

take care,
❤ (me)

FROM (H) # 2

take me as a person like a child in a middle of a family divorce. has not many chance do deal with the conflict but try to stand it and wait until it’s over.

(d) mentioned your plan to visit budapest some time ago, and i already told him that time that it’s not really a good idea. I don’t want to deal with this shit, I don’t want to feed anyone with information, with any forms of mediation. So I decided that I’m not gonna mediate between anyone involved in and around splits. they will do it themselves or don’t but don’t put this shit on me – i’m trying not to put my own shit on others who are not at all involved and cannot really help. I mean if I want to know something and if I want to tell something do it directly.

I don’t say this because I think you want to tell or ask something but you don’t do it directly or whatever. But answering any useful info to you would mean that I would feed the contact and both the activist/anarchist scene would tell me – how can you do things before discussing it with us etc, i mean serious things etc.? and both you would be in a position that can split the “process” here. (i hate this expression just a bit less then the term “project”)

so i cannot tell you anything else except asking back: why do you want to come HERE? why not somewhere else? why now?

I think it’s not really a good idea, and a really bad timing. maybe you could visit our community flat later in the spring or the summer, but for sure not now, because there are people living here who think you are paranoid and accusing people because you don’t trust anyone. anyways, i’m 1000% sure that the local community will have a consensus (in fact it already has) that you cannot come to this flat in jan-february, that’s for sure and nobody talked about afterwards, but basically this is sure, and probably it will be true for the infoshop and freeshop too. (I’m honest with you and it’s maybe a mistake and i still feed the conflict with it so i maybe just should ignore your email totally… i don’t know exactly. but this conflict is too much on me and i find it too ugly and stressing and have nothing to do with it also so it’s kind of ridiculous… it makes me wanting to quit the family and join individualist capitalism cause that’s easier)

I also don’t trust people, especially when i have no fuckin’ reason for it, but the opposite, so for me it’s not really a problem, but I think you will have lot of troubles getting to know the small scene here – it’s really fucking small, so you will be directly or very fast banned and there will be gossips and everything, I don’t think you want to experience but exactly the opposite: since you know about the situation here – and don’t act like you don’t know what the hell i’m talking about because we both know anyways – well i’m thinking about whether you want to come here to re-live being banned and then have something to complain about?

have you been to the baltics, lithuania, latvia (estonia I guess yes), poland? slovakia, czech republic austria? they are nice places, some of them have good local scene – especially poznan in poland, wow! so if you plan to hitchhike, why don’t you stop and see other places?

i don’t understand why you want to come here and I can only tell you it’s not a good idea and don’t do it, if you ask me. or take in consideration that you won’t be welcome and even (d) cannot help in this, i think.

about contacts don’t ask me. and (m) lives in berlin.

Wir sind jung und wir machen uns
Sorgen über unsere Chancen
auf dem Arbeitsmarkt und
unser berufliches Fortkommen

__

(h)

FROM (H) # 3

sorry i made a mistake, i’m too tired and have lots of exams coming, so studying all the time. anyway, maybe it’s a mistake to write back to you. please don’t write back lot of pages, i find it too complicated to talk to you, and through email and chat it’s somewhat less stressful, but as I imagine talking personally, I feel like if I would ask you about what is the time, or if you have a lighter, your answer would take an hour or more, because you ask back and seriously misunderstand many things, or not really willing to understand so it’s really tiring to talk to you, sometimes interesting but I always think ten times if I have anything to talk with you. I just let you know because maybe you can develop your communication skills. (I also have, i’m not perfect in it, for example sometimes I talk a lot and not listen enough, but it doesn’t mean that I cannot tell my personal criticism to anyone, neither that I should wait with it until I become perfect and then i can tell)

so don’t write back stupid questions, rather wait a few days and think them over, please. you would make my life easier…

On Sat, Jan 17, 2009 at 12:38 AM, (h) wrote:

take me as a person like a child in a middle of a family divorce. has not many chance do deal with the conflict but try to stand it and wait until it’s over.

(d) mentioned your plan to visit budapest some time ago, and i already told him that time that it’s not really a good idea. I don’t want to deal with this shit, I don’t want to feed anyone with information, with any forms of mediation. So I decided that I’m not gonna mediate between anyone involved in and around splits. they will do it themselves or don’t but don’t put this shit on me – i’m trying not to put my own shit on others who are not at all involved and cannot really help. I mean if I want to know something and if I want to tell something do it directly.

I don’t say this because I think you want to tell or ask something but you don’t do it directly or whatever. But answering any useful info to you would mean that I would feed the contact

conflict

FROM ME # 4

[i got your second message while i was writing this. i still choose to
pass on the thoughts and feelings that rose in me when i read your
response.]

hello,

wow. i don’t really know how to react or what to respond.

i don’t even know you, and already you are saying that i will split
some good process of some sort by coming to budapest? it scares me…
not to go to budapest, but more this somewhat – as i see it, from my
point of view, and knowing myself – this irrational fear of that
something really truly bad and awful would happen if i enter this
city, and meet people, and see what’s going on. for christ sake, i’m a
human being… shit. are you serious? people would start banning me?
are people really that freaked out and undemocratic in budapest? the
whole small scene? (i mean in helsinki it’s only the dominant ones
freaking out. there’s plenty of people around who can communicate and
self-reflect. is it really that bad in budapest? it just strikes me as
irrational somehow, that a person coming for a visit would be
ostracized in a few weeks… !)

YOU: so i cannot tell you anything else except asking back: why do you

want to come HERE? why not somewhere else? why now?

well, as always there are many reasons. but reason number one would be
to have an opportunity see what meeting (d) again would be like.
cause even though we were in a really weird situation, and both being
somewhat traumatized by life, i still felt a warmth i really
appreciate, and a willingness to work on communication that has been
refused to me for so long. there was a great act of solidarity in her
stressing off to helsinki to visit this broken down person in a
ridiculously insane conflict situation. even though we were both a bit
ditty and mad i felt there were great moments of sanity. and she’s
pushed me in some good directions with her advice and thoughts. so
going to hungary, when / if she’s also there would be fun.

i would go to hungary and budapest to have fun. maybe do some
workshops if there would be some interest in

— theatre of the oppressed
— feminist self defense
— methods of domination
— maybe: consensus and facilitation

get some idea of what the feminist situation is like (i’m sure there
would be some individuals refusing to go along in playing weird games,
and who would actually enjoy having a talk with me)

and yes. (about the thing you’re probably referring to as the
conflict) i guess trying to get to ask (mx) why the hell she would
kick someone off the XYZ list, and keep them off, without giving a
valid reason for it. and ignore the several objections that have been
sent to the list. and thereby turn the whole process into something
highly centralized and going against the hallmarks of pga. yes: i
would try to get that to happen. off course she can try to ban me from
the scene or whatever… or just stay the hell away and hide somewhere
instead of asking these simple questions from a living warm fleshy
feeling human being: me.

i really don’t know how to respond to your messages. i can only try to
be as open as possible.

maybe comfort you in some of your fears: i’m not interested in staying
in the same place where (mx) and (v) are at. i’m only interested
in meeting people, learning new things about myself and others, and
try my best to enjoy myself. (i need a break from finland and
helsinki)

and if you would be there in bp, i would be fine with meeting you as
well. to try to get a better understanding of what’s going on with you
and your understanding of situations and life.

there were a lot of questions in your mail, that i didn’t respond to.
there were also a lot of things i didn’t understand, that would only
lead to those pages of questions that you said you didn’t want.

but at least i feel i’ve gotten said what urgently immediately came to
mind when reading your response.

feel free to write me whenever. in whatever form. (i don’t understand
your frustration and fears, where they come from. but if you’re
interested in working on getting towards some understanding, then i’m
here for you.)

❤ (me)

“The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you
are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To
never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the
unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To
seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never
simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect
strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To
never look away. And never, never to forget.”
– Arundhati Roy

FROM (H) # 5

1. thing because of your constant misunderstanding you are probably not the person I really want to work on my own misunderstanding.

2. i don’t really feel to have the patience to meet with you. not because i really don’t want, but because i have other things to do, and as i wrote you in my last email, it’s too complicated and tiring to communicate with you. and why i’m impatient, well, i’m sure it has a lot of reasons and that i have to work on it and i do.

3. if you want anything from (mx) or (v) talk to them and leave me out of your shit. (your: plural) i don’t want to be part of your stupid divorce and act like any mediator. it is good for nothing for noone.

4. my conclusion reading your email: talk to (d). i’m not gonna answer your question because he wasn’t fast enough with his answers. it’s his decision what he wants, when and how and whatever, so i’m not taking part of this either.
you have in fact all the contacts you need: you want to meet (d), you know his email. you want to ask something from (mx). you know his emailaddress too. you want to get to know the local feminist, (d) can help in it if he thinks its a good idea. you also know what you can expect.

(+1. undemocratic: hahahha i don’t give a shit about democracy that tries to sell out my votes and workforce)

FROM ME # 6

(+1. undemocratic: hahahha i don’t give a shit about democracy that
tries to sell out my votes and workforce)

i didn’t understand this at all.

but i understand that you’re not interested in meeting or giving
contacts. (and i never did ask anything about (v) or (mx). i
only mentioned them cause i thought that it was this you were
referring to when speaking about feeling like you’re in the middle of
a conflict, just by me contacting you.)

i feel a bit uncomfortable with your way of expressing yourself. i
just get the feeling that there’s a lot of projection going on, that i
really don’t understand, since i never met you. but i accept that this
is the way it is.

i sense a hostility that i really don’t understand, and that i really
don’t think i deserve.

and stay away (cause i want to feel comfortable too)

and that’s it,

(me)

FROM (H) # 7

and stay away (cause i want to feel comfortable too)

ok. np.
i just replied because you wrote to me so i thought you want to have an answer, and not answering anything helps nothing, even if it’s possible that answering neither will develop anyone.

have fun anyways

FROM ME # 8

just to clarify (cause i *do* want to work on communication)

i meant me staying away. not you.

i meant me staying away, cause you express clear frustration about
communicating with me, and i understand that you don’t want it.
and i sense some hostility that i don’t understand, and if you’re not
into talking about it. if you choose to put your life energy
elsewhere, i respect that,

and stay away.

that’s what i meant.

hopefully this was a bit clearer.

❤ me

FROM (H) # 9

ok, that’s fine too.

FROM ME # 10

ok (h),

like any living human being i’m capricious, and change my mind. i’m
not staying away.

your statements awoke my curiosity. and since they concern me, a real
living person (with feelings hopes dreams hurts and all the other
stuff we humans are), since i’m all this, i feel that it makes sense
to ask questions.

YOU: I don’t think you want to experience but exactly the opposite:

since you know about the situation here – and don’t act like you don’t
know what the hell i’m talking about because we both know anyways –
well i’m thinking about whether you want to come here to re-live being
banned and then have something to complain about?

ME: i really *don’t* know what the situation is like there. so i don’t
think it’s fair of you to assume that i do. i found the first message
you sent shocking since it was so hard core telling me that “the
scene” would ban me and thinks i’m “paranoid” etc. and at the same
time you’re talking of bad timing and that i could come back later in
spring… so, “the scene” will have changed it’s mind till spring? it
really doesn’t make any sense to me. (?? who is the scene in that
case? maybe i could speak to the scene in person?)

i know nastiness and hardcore sexist attitudes. this is nothing new to
me. it’s not new that there’s no climate for discussing things. and
that people avoid tough emotional subjects (instead of pulling the
rotten tooth out, we walk around with a constant tooth ache, not
touching the subject). this is nothing new. but that you would
encourage me not to come during a specific time (but that i would be
welcome later?) and then tell me i shouldn’t pretend that i don’t know
what you’re talking about. well to me it sounds that i should behave
like a coward, and walk away from something really rotten, and that
the rot is blamed on me, without me even being there, not having an
opportunity to say anything for myself. that because of there being
something rotten, i should stop my plans, and adjust my life to the
rot. stop having fun. let the rot grow and live freely. myself turning
inwards and self-blaming.

this doesn’t really sound fair to me. that i should assume i’m not
welcome because a few people talk shit about me. (and me not even
knowing what this shit talk is about…)

exclusion and bullying and mean social games going on unquestioned,
and that the blame and shame is heaped on the one being bullied is
nothing new to me. i will not feel shame. i refuse to feel shame and
exclude myself, for being called “paranoid and accusing” without even
giving myself the chance to ask the persons saying so: “why?”

you didn’t want to. but still you did. the “conflict” was fed with your input.

i followed your advice and contacted (mx) and (v), and asked if
they would be willing to meet in february to talk about the exclusion
happening on the mailing list. ((mx) has already written freaky
weird statements to me. so i don’t really think this person is open
for a heart to heart sincere talk. but at least i try to connect
directly.)

i also contacted (d) again. it would be nice if you could give me
(m’s) contact info. or send mine to her. (i don’t have to tell anyone
that i’ve ever been in contact with you, if you feel that this would
give you pressure from persons, and would help to keep you out of this
thing that clearly seems to be a general problem within the local
scene.)

i really truly honestly do not know what’s going on in budapest right
now. but it seems very likely i will show up in february. it would
still be nice to meet you. maybe you’ve changed your mind about
meeting me. maybe not.

in any case. life goes on.

❤ (me)


Sexism hurts

by Milla

Helisinki social centre project: Sompasaari

Sompasaari: Helsinki social centre project

It’s like walking around in a family house, where everybody has their role carved out for them. Patterns that have existed for so long, that any attempts towards something new, is easily pushed down with a “that’s not the true you”.

Walking around in a world that is sexist, saying that it exists, saying that it hurts, and not being listened to, not having any power to be taken seriously, and still be treated as a great threat – cause talking about it would cause the family to break apart, the mold would shatter into a million pieces, and things would never be the same again. Could never be the same again.

So let’s just not talk about the things that hurt. Let’s stop the talking. Keep the mold together, and everyone safe in their role. Freaking out is mad, and obscene, and a complete fantasy. Not the true you.

Maintaining power by violence is not as disturbing as having a radical feminist letting herself be heard on a blog, read by the random few.

A two year ban – taken through a decision where two persons were absolutely against it – taken through a decision where one persons writings read out loud at the meeting, pointing out that some persons have more of a say than others, and saying that there’s as much hope influencing what goes on within the social centre project as there is to affect anything through the general finnish elections. A person hoping that something would really be done about sexism, and that the decision making processes would become more democratic. Micke’s comment on this was: “Well this person hasn’t been at any meetings since May anyways.” And with this the serious criticism was over and done with: Not a family member. We don’t need to listen to people who don’t know anything about what is going on at our house. We take care of our business in our own way.

This was the same comment that Tuuli came with. When I said that I still would like to confront Micke, Yakup, and Taru on sexist behavior, I was told that “We take care of it in our own way.” Apparently the things I had been exposed to was none of my business. The fact that there is no safe supportive structure created for persons affected by sexism within the project. There is no safe supportive way for persons like myself to talk about the harms done. The fact that talking about these things leads to exclusion for two years, in addition to the one year I tried to get into some sort of dialogue. The fact that inspite of protests and differing views, and pleads to take the issue of sexism seriously, nothing whatsoever is being done. The fact that this is a house of horror, where critics are pushed out and a blind eye and supportive backpats are there for the ones not willing to take in any criticism. The fact that the social centre project is a sham as long as there’s no real dialogue created in order to understand what the hell this radical feminist is going on about – through mental illness and breakdown after breakdown. The fact that all this is happening right now, in the city of Helsinki, in a so called “open space”. Doesn’t seem to upset any of the persons involved in the project.

It’s an outrage that a project flaunting principles stating that it’s against any forms of discrimination and domination, and that speaking about the problems openly is the way to go about in order to raise awareness and change things, and still it’s possible to have Inka saying after the meeting, with the forced decision – which she herself facilitated – that the two persons protesting “don’t count anyways cause they’re not ‘in'”.

.
I’m quoting another woman about the project: “Some people are more equal than others.”