Handcuffed

met (A) by accident at the metro, and asked her about signing a statement with false information. 19 persons sigining an email with info stating that there has been enough conflict resolution. and that i only blame and accuse and claim ownership on feminism and that people therefor don’t want to work with me. and that people are doing a lot of feminist stuff and aim to continue doing that.

which feels a bit weird to me. since. i’ve been trying to speak about sexual harassment. and haven’t gotten the opportunity to do that. and told i shouldn’t speak about feminism or the conflict. and that everything and anything i do is wrong. basically.

so. if i would be in the same situation, i would most likely give support to the feminist on the outside, not having a right to speak. but in this case, me “claiming ownership” of feminism is seen as a good reason to not hear me out… and therefor claim ownership on feminism, and not listen to what other feminists have to say about life.

anyways. (A) seemed to have the idea that things are working well and that somebody is taking care of the conflict resolution. even though i told her that no one, apart from myself, has been working on this continuously for that last 9 months. and that i still haven’t gotten the opportunity to speak of the sexual harassment / gendered harassment i was experiencing. and that this is the only thing that i wanted all along.

hopefully i could meet with her again. to make some sort of contact.

(o) who also signed the petition is also of the belief that someone else is making a discussion happening. she also believes in this “platform” mentioned in the mail she signed. even though i – the one trying to get dialogue – never felt that that dialogue / platform was there. many persons seem to doubt the reasons for the original banning. or not know what happened. and there’s this general idea of me being this really crazy destructive evil troublemaker within the scene. and since that’s the only story told on the inside, by the ones in power. then that’s the truth. (o) doesn’t live in finland at the moment. but she still signed the thing. even though she’s not actively involved in what’s happening in helsinki.

anyways. met with (L). i asked insistently for some sort of public solidarity statement. but it seems like the ones not being listened to, and not feeling comfortable with the politics of the dominant ones, just leave, and think there’s no use in criticizing or showing support, since they simply don’t get listened to. dialogue is clearly not wanted.

went to a bar. drank a beer with (L) and (Ja) and then they left and i just continued drinking. thinking about all the insanity i’ve been going through the last year or so. and wondering why communication is so difficult. why realities differ so much.

and then i got on the metro. and got caught by some ticket inspectors and i was just drunk and stubborn and asked “why?” over and over again. and then there were three male guards pushing me down on the ground when i refused to go into some box waiting for the police with them. the reason for all this, was that i didn’t give my name. and also asked “why?”. and tried to say what i felt uncomfortable with, and ask them if they would do the same if they weren’t paid to do it.

not spending 2 euros on the metro seem to be enough for at least 11 persons (5 female ticket inspectors, 3 grey dressed guards, and 3 police) to use violence and handcuff a person for not wanting to go inside some box-looking room with them.

i was asked by the all of them if i was on some medicine. that i wasn’t behaving normal.

and all the time. crying and everything. i was thinking that this is no different from the madness i’ve been experiencing with the so called radical squatting movement. the same looks. the same strong belief that there must be something seriously wrong with me for not accepting bad treatment.

so many people don’t believe that this squat conflict will move anywhere. because they don’t think people in power will change.

i guess it’s true. but i also know that i have a right to continue this fight. even if the madness will not be understood by all, at least some might want something different. some might dare something different. and not just as most people would. say: “yes, sir. you’re right, sir”.

but. sure. i need to live more healthy. and also to figure out how i can get rid of that fine…

i really need support. i really hope (D) will come. even though i notice dominant behavior in her as well. but i think it’s possible to talk about it. both because (D) is somewhat open with feelings and thoughts, and also because i managed to talk with a totally dominant person from the polyamory group and it went well. no fighting. straight in to honesty and self reflection.

i’m still super sensitive to sexism. i really hate it. the same lies repeated over and over again.

ok. that’s it. for today.

Mental health meeting

Anybody interested in cooking vegan food, and sharing thoughts, experiences, feelings on mental health, is welcome to Vuosaari. Just by the metro. Mustankivenaukio 3B14. Starting one o’clock. Sunday November 30th.

Phone: 050 35 40 595.

Some sort of update

So i started this blog. And got a person (H) over to help figure out how to use it. And i guess i will start making stuff with the webcam in some days.

Two persons (I & J) were over at my place. Talking about the conflict. The usual recognition of the power play within the scene. And the usual with me, getting emotional, when once again having to go through a year of self development and heartbreak. But in expressing how stressful and crazy this has been for me. Not thinking about anything else for such a long period. About a year engaged with this. It’s nice to feel that here and there there’s a willingness to deal with this. Not the regular shaming and blaming. More curiosity and sharing.

And not knowing how long it will continue. Or how long i will continue. It doesn’t matter. Happy there are others crazy enough to get engaged with it too. (D) will come at the end of the year. And then this could get more creative and fun. Not the way it is now: slashed and torn.

Oh. Love. The mad passionate kind, playing tricks on me. Seem to be my biggest problem at the moment. I’m too emotional. And unaware. I just need to admit it, and let go. Let go of the selfish hurt of not being understood, and let it lift me up. The way it should be. Really mad. Really passionate. Love.

Silly.