my triggers

by milla — she=he

kooks crazy

i’m talking with daniel again.

https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/2010/11/12/two-persons-talking/#comment-1309

what i would like to hear right now:

i care about your needs. i don’t see them as a threat to mine. i will express my feelings and needs clearly. if you make a request i will not ignore it or answer it from my own reality deep inside with no map to get on the right path to understand what i mean. i will not leave you stranded by the road signs pointing in 56 directions, i will patiently guide you to what it is that i’m wanting to show with my words, i will not confuse you or leave you guessing to later vent my frustration when you don’t meet my expectations. i will make an effort to connect with you. right now i hear that you are really needing safety and that you’ve made a clear request for how to meet that need.

now i will tell you why answering that request doesn’t meet my need for… ???” [what?]

i meditated today. and burst into tears. i’m in the same hell again. i speak and speak and speak and my words have no meaning. i really want to go through the process of talking about the emc examples with daniel, time and space to speak about really vulnerable aching parts of myself, but it seems as if it’s impossible to get even the simplest things through.

i want a common method and a time line for the talk. something that would make sense for both of us, and daniel is not answering direct questions. i say i want to have a chat to decide time line and method together. and the guy is just saying that “i don’t have time“. “i won’t hinder, but won’t help either“.

daniel doesn’t have time to decide when to have a chat? daniel doesn’t want to hinder a talk on everyday male chauvinism but wouldn’t help it make happen either?

this is so seriously fucked up. again.

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the talk i’m talking about can be seen in the comment section of these blogposts:

“Two persons talking”

Two persons talking emc: 1.1 Intimidation

Stereotypes are not (necessarily) untrue – but they are incomplete: The Telling of a Single Story

by Milla — she=he

“Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice — and warns that if we hear only a single story about another person or place, we risk a critical misunderstanding.” TED

I saw this speech today, and it represents a lot of my thoughts at the moment, about my identity and how I relate to others. It’s a reflection on power, and the telling of stories – how they are told, and who gets to tell them. In many ways I’ve become ‘a single story’, in the minds of others, as well as in my own mind, and I want to break out of that, I would like to be understood as ‘more’, and as well receive others as ‘multiple stories’. Break free from the labels.

As Chimamanda Adichie says in her speech, “the single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete, they make one story become the only story”.

From an interview with the writer: “Generalizations are always reductive, I think, because they shrink you from a whole to a mere part. I am Nigerian, feminist, Black, Igbo, and more, but when I am categorized as one, it makes it almost impossible to be seen as all of the others, and I find this limiting.”

Crazy

crazy crazy meaning the point crazy surreal communication self development community in diapers rush step walk run completely still aching pain then comes … something … and thinking thinking crazy no meaning who is reading why are they reading i write to myself they are not me do they write themselves who do they write for for what reason what is their meaning their point are they crazy longing for communication self development communication connection sense of self making sense having meaning some days it is not all a struggle some days there is a different mindset a different way of relating fake fake fake why do words seem fake why do talk disconnect years of craziness of not being seen projection and angry screams.

Traditions and sentimentality

by Milla — she=he

Today’s song:

I was fairly surprised to see the sentimentality popping up around New Years Eve. People who couldn’t care less about phony traditions around Christmas, grabbing the opportunity to make best wishes for the ‘new’ year,  the end of time as we know it – the calendar year changing  numbers again. Otherwise everything the same. Maybe we have this deep sense of despair in our daily routine (‘nothing ever changes. nothing will ever change’), and there is a big common need to drop the sadness and cynicism, which is what is so appealing about the ‘new’ year. A focus on a new beginning.

I had a few laughs this morning (didn’t celebrate, just home alone) trying to sing along in Abba’s Happy New Year from 1989 – the lyrics just as valid for the end of 2010 – a yodeling “happy new year”  — that really makes me laugh when i try to sing along in it. You should try it too! 😀 — followed by  “if we don’t we might as well lay down and die”… Cynicism mixed with the strong need for hope and real efforts — not just good intentions, empty promises, celebrated once a year, as ‘dead’ as the confetti left on the floor after the party is over.

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No more champagne
And the fireworks are through
Here we are, me and you
Feeling lost and feeling blue
It’s the end of the party
And the morning seems so grey
So unlike yesterday
Now’s the time for us to say…

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don’t we might as well lay down and die
You and I

Sometimes I see
How the brave new world arrives
And I see how it thrives
In the ashes of our lives
Oh yes, man is a fool
And he thinks he’ll be okay
Dragging on, feet of clay
Never knowing he’s astray
Keeps on going anyway…

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don’t we might as well lay down and die
You and I

Seems to me now
That the dreams we had before
Are all dead, nothing more
Than confetti on the floor
It’s the end of a decade
In another ten years time
Who can say what we’ll find
What lies waiting down the line
In the end of eighty-nine…

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don’t we might as well lay down and die
You and I

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Some of the well intentions and wishes [an sms] coming my way hit a nerve, and got me thinking of what I could do to fulfill it:

“A relaxed mind, a peaceful soul, a joyful spirit, a healthy body & heart full of love.”

For a moment I was thinking that intentions and words are not the same as practice and action. Wishing someone well is not the same as asking — “Is there anything I can do for you?”

But words can have a ‘pushing’ effect, and aid you in getting a certain focus, as well as help you to start asking the necessary questions when reading the wishes and thinking: “Yes, I do want this in my life — who wouldn’t?!” The follow up is: The will to figure out how, the will to try. This is what I wish for anybody reading this 🙂 Don’t give up hope, keep on trying.