The property Anarchists seldom share

by Pre Kaarina

The property that Anarchists will not share is their network, knowledge of who has what and who can do stenciling, bike repair or whatever.  It makes people that have large networks wanted and powerful. Moreover,  let’s say there is a new comrade that knows someone that has a van and a known comrade with the same predicament, the group uses old comrade’s services thus reinforcing his network and power.

This is also called corruption.

The Finland Ferry (and me)

by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Szeged)

The ferry between Finland and Sweden - known as the Finland-ferry in Sweden, and as the Sweden-boat in Finland - is a great time for cultural exchange. Plenty of booze, sex and fighting and shouting. And ball bath for the kids!

The ferry between Finland and Sweden - known as the Finland-ferry in Sweden, and as the Sweden-boat in Finland - is a great time for cultural exchange. Plenty of booze, sex and fighting and shouting. And ball bath for the kids!

So. I left Musta Pispala and Tampere (Finland). Tired of hitch-hiking, tired of cities, and houses and roads and noise [the eternal stone drilling and hole digging going on in cities!]. Tired of the scene, tired of not fitting in, tired of feeling alienated, crazy, depressed, stuck in gender patterns, tired of my own hypocrisy (had sex again [!] with a woman on the boat from Finland to Sweden on my way to Hamburg. She was going on a honey-moon trip to Denmark with her husband who had just gotten out of jail on some drug charges. She noticed the cigarette burns on my wrist and showed me her own scars. Deep cuts made on her ankles. She liked me, expressed that, and after a while checked with her husband if she would be okay with us having it off. So we walked off to have a moment by ourselves with the blessing of the husband, who was saying that she’s okay with other women, but not with men. I asked her why, but she couldn’t answer why she made this split.)

I was very drunk. Had been drinking a lot before getting on the boat. But still conscious. She had had about three beers and was offering me more. I was checking with her all the time if she was too drunk (or on something else?) she kept saying no. I don’t think it was okay that we had sex. But it wasn’t as bad as the last time when I was on the boat back to Finland. When I was with a guy. Just basically lying on my back being passed out. Gone in my head. Not remembering.

Maybe I should switch to opiates instead… (not really…) It’s really sick that I just keep on drinking to get rid of alienation and pain and end up worse than I started. I should make some comic book out of my life. Kind of like a feminist Charles Bukowski running amok… It could make my message more accessible to more people… A constant feedback I get is that the blog posts are too long. (In Spite of All the Sex and Violence!! How come?! There’s plenty of people reading the Bible – with No Pictures!)

Obsessions (Ending Sexism)

by World Cunt (aka “Milla) — There’s no escape. Wherever I go. I am what I am.

I’m tired of political slogans. Seemingly meaning nothing. Too much confusion and too few places and too few looong moments of making beautiful sense. (Sleepy..)

An email written today, cause it had to be written at some point. Sent to Dani. For her to pass on to the Men Against Male Violence group in Budapest, Hungary together with her own statement and the statement of a woman that she’s recently lied to.

[i’m sending this through (a)’s facebook, cause i don’t have her email.]

hello dani,
hello (a),

could you give some response on how to pass this on?

i would like to see dani’s statement passed on to the group.
i don’t know if you (a) would be comfortable with me seeing yours?
anyhow. the most reassuring for me would be to have the final
statement sent to the group and me at the same time. this way i would
know that it’s gotten to them.

are there any objections to this suggestion? [final statement sent to
me and the group, and this before July 24 (we agreed in Tampere on
doing this within two weeks)] Everybody okay with this?

below is my statement.

❤ milla

MILLA’s statement:

[i use ‘she’ as a gender neutral word for third person singular]
for more see: https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/she/

I’m a radical feminist activist woman hurt by Dani’s behavior towards
women. I’m really grateful for the text provided by Men Against Male
Violence in Budapest on Intimate Relation Violence That Is Not
Recognized As Violence [Luis Bonino].

Dani fits these patterns very well. And I feel that she has a
responsibility to inform the persons she wishes to establish an
intimate relation with on her sexism and domination within close
relations.

I still love this person. And it’s painful having to live with the
knowledge that she doesn’t recognize the harm done in relation to me
or other women. Having been exposed to these patterns for some time I
was pushed into a self-hating vacuum, still in desperation trying to
work on something that Dani herself wouldn’t make work (and at the
same time not wanting to let go of).

I was really taken in by this person, and it sort of got me blind to
the blatant sexist behavior and statements coming from her (commenting
on women’s bodies and looks – “big breasts” “fish face”) or in
reflecting on her relation to a woman she had a 3-year-long abusive
relation to, as Dani dominating the woman since she “gave space to do
that with her submissive behavior” as if the woman was ‘asking for
it’…

I spent a lot of time and effort trying to ‘educate’ Dani into
treating women with respect – including everything and anything from

>> not strangling lovers in bed or having sex with them if they’re too drunk to remember it afterwards
>> not leading women on with flirty behavior and then later complain when the woman is in love and not take any accountability for the situation (continuing having physical intimacy with them for months without sharing a mutual affection, interest, need)
>> not starting new intimate relations by withholding information about being polyamorous, denying the existence and nature of other intimate relations, stating that the woman is “the only one” (or bending the truth and saying that “you’re my emotional focus at the moment”) starting relations with dishonesty and deception
>> not starting new (or continuing old) intimate relations without stating that she has a problem with sexism, domination and violent behavior within these types of relations, and making her patterns transparent and safe to talk about with the one she’s with.

in my own case
>> i was led on with fake promises on shared life and love
>> she, at one occasion, when we were touching ourselves, started chatting with another woman she’s intimate with over the internet, telling her of what we were doing without first asking either one of us if we would be interested in engaging in some sexual activity online with each other, treating us as we were some sort of tools [i ended up apologizing to the woman]. Dani has also been asking me if i wanted to invite another woman to bed in order “not to make her feel left out”.
>> she did not cooperate with me [on my terms, as an affected person] on dealing with sexism within her collective (a collective that I’ve faced exclusion from because of my politics (radical feminism) and a general fear of outspoken women)
>> she did not cooperate with me on talking our relation through, instead i got to hear that she needed a break to have a comforting time with another woman [Dani stating that I shouldn’t think of this woman as “competition, cause the love i started feeling was partly a self saving mechanism i guess and if it will be really cool and working out with her then that will positively affect the you and me aswell i guess”], which ended up with me contacting this woman and getting a meeting to happen where she was informed on Dani’s sexist and unfair behavior towards women. at this meeting i made a request [maybe more demand?] that Dani would contact the Men Against Male Violence group in Budapest to request for help to deal with her sexism in order not to burden the women in her surroundings with this ‘mission impossible’ task. i have no reason to trust Dani, and therefor we came up with the solution of having three statements written, one by Dani (who states that she has no empathy with what I’ve been going through in relation to her and her way of relating to me), one by a recent woman that Dani’s trying to establish an intimate relation with (a woman that feels lied to and betrayed, but Dani describes the fact that she did not state anything about having other relations not as a lie but more as having “differing realities” [differing realities that i would call “denial, excuses”]), and myself who got seriously depressed and suicidal by the depressing existence of Everyday Male Chauvinism in our connection.

I don’t know what to say. I guess best wishes. I think Dani can be
(would be!!) a real great contributor to the group, if she just
manages to do something about the disturbing behaviors related to
sexism.

I’m sad it didn’t work out. [and somehow i can’t believe it yet. it
will take some time for this to sink in. there was a lot of weirdness
and traumatizing stuff in general in this intense connection. at least
i’ve grown some. and ::disclaimer:: i’m fully aware that i ain’t
perfect either.]

Obsessions (Morze Infoshop & Company)

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Hamburg)

Below an email i passed on to one of the Morze infoshop mailing lists i’m not excluded from, checking if there’s interest in working on consensus within this group / network.

The letter is an open invitation to anybody who happens to read this who happens to have some interest. Not just a statement made on the Morze list. Get in touch if you’d like to meet.

Morze Infoshop & Company. Other scenes are possible? Or is it always the same directors running the show?

Morze Infoshop & Company. Other scenes are possible? Or is it always the same directors running the show?


Hello everybody,

I’m working on making a fun, simple & * p r a c t i c a l * workshop on

—- Consensus culture &
—- decision making

[could be useful for all those confusing and chaotic and/or hierarchic
gatherings going on around Europe. there’s nothing more satisfying
than putting theory into practice.. :)]

if there’s anyone(s) in Hamburg who would be interested in
participating in the development of this thing, please get in touch
(asap – as soon as possible – I’ll be around for a week, got here July
14 – it would be nice to try the workshop out in a group, but meeting
individuals is also fine. [I will be in Romania and Hungary as well
July – August, so if there’s someone from there [or somewhere in
between] who would be interested in this, please be in touch. Anyone
in the Baltics?]

Or, otherwise, if you’re sick of sexism and the general frustrating
not-talked-about domination within the (or any) scene, or for whatever
other reason would like to connect – write me a line through email

Email: milla.ahola (at) gmail.com

sorry for the short notice (if anybody’s interested in this..) and
take care
❤ milla

>>
>>
WORKSHOP: Consensus culture & decision making

How to deal with dictatorship in so called “flat structured /
anarchist / leaderless horizontal” groups?

Consensus means to agree, to compromise until everybody can agree on
something. It’s a method to practice direct democracy. It doesn’t mean
that everybody should be of the same opinion. It simply means that
it’s possible to agree on a decision that everybody can accept.

Practical workshop.
<<
<<

More about me here:
https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/

And here:
http://www.myspace.com/feminist_sister

Obsessions (Dani) – Musta Pispala July 12, 2009

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Hamburg)

Dani in Vilnius - lying (and confused?) about love.

Dani in Vilnius - lying (confused? in denial?) about love.

Meeting with Dani in Tampere, Finland was good. I felt I did the right thing for me and also for the woman that she had already started exposing to her disturbing behaviors – the thing she calls exploring love – a love infested with dominant sexist violent patterns.

I talked about Dani’s behavior at a workshop she was having on squatting and the alternative scene in Hungary. It was the usual bullshit repeated. Propaganda films showing sexist art (a naked objectified female body throwing a swastika in a trash can.. ?!) and men speaking about how great it is with consensual decision making and freedom to act and create in the scene. Liberation! Sitting there and listening to this crap was just too much for me – a person facing political, physical, emotional exclusion – with no help to be found. And there Dani was – answering questions on how the enemy-State, the enemy-Police, and the enemy-Fascists affect the squatting scene.

Click here to see the film: http://www.politube.org/show/1020 The film starts after about one minute.

In the group of about 20 or so persons, only about 5 were speaking. Mostly men. And me. Bringing in criticism. Speaking of sexism. I was a bit emotional. Had difficulties not interrupting. There was one man from the social centre from where my voice is excluded in Helsinki. And also Dani there – a person lying about love, using women for comfort, not giving a shit about changing her sexist behavior (always something more important to fix first…) She didn’t give a fuck about supporting my struggle in Budapest. Was only giving negativity. ‘Not possible’. ‘Stop giving me stress’. I didn’t ‘understand’ her situation. Or just ignoring, ridiculing, and shaming and blaming me when I – in spite of severe pressure and emotional distress – was speaking of possible ways of action. A comrade who would work hard on milking you for love, affection and comfort, but not really willing to engage in political action on the terms of the oppressed. Not without blaming and whining at least.

It’s weird having this mix of still getting into her. Being the usual visionary – knowing how great things could be. (The usual “drop the sexism and let’s make love”-wish that’s just impossible to make happen in this world.) I always felt unsafe with her. I got into these really caring and giving patterns. And eventually broke down into self-destructive aggressive alcoholic behavior. Becoming suicidal. If I would have figured out a way of killing myself, that I would have felt comfortable with, I would have gone for it. It’s not only her behaviors affecting me. But the general isolation I feel. The lack of community.

Guess I’m writing this today cause I wanted to get some more of Dani’s disturbing behavior out of my system. We talked a bit after the workshop – where I had started talking of Dani’s violence (male pattern violence fairly unchallenged and vastly exercised within the autonomous left) and most of the persons attending the workshop left. Some persons were giving me feedback afterwards. Thought that I had brought a “personal” issue in there. The only thing I can agree with is that I should have informed the woman that Dani’s involved with in Tampere about what I was about to do (spontaneous, unplanned), so she wouldn’t have had such a shock. I wouldn’t have agreed on keeping her side silenced. I feel that since Dani has expressed that she’s looking to create many love connections like these, that it’s important to pass on the information, especially when the person is living in denial, and doesn’t bother to inform her romantic interests of how she is with ‘love’. [I refuse to be a silent accomplice in the destruction of other people’s lives.]

One woman came and talked with me. Said she had felt really uncomfortable. That I had been ‘dominating’ and ‘assaulting’ the person keeping the workshop (the topic of male violence within the scene, and in this case specific male violence within the scene was viewed as an off topic – even though it’s something we live with more closely and it being more present than the random police aggression or nazi attack or state violence.) I pointed out to the woman that I thought that the best way to go about if there’s somebody you feel might need support or think has been offended, that you should ask this person directly how they are feeling, and also ask in what way they would like to be supported. Otherwise they might just feel like they once again have lost control over their life – re-victimization no matter how good the intent is. Without involvement of the person affected the likelyhood to cause more harm is stronger than the possibility of healing the anger and pain.

I was also pointing out that, I as a person saying that I’ve been exposed to her abuse and violence, would at a proclaimed antisexist, antioppressive event (see the statement written about Musta pispala) see it as more likely that someone would come up and ask me if I would be in need of any support, or that someone would come up and say that it’s brave of me to bring up this taboo-labled topic. (something that Dani herself doesn’t reckon has anything to do with the scene, but is just a small “private” matter between her and I)

I’ve been obsessed with Dani. Trying to figure out what’s been going on between us. Figure her out. Figure myself out. Trying to understand why it’s so difficult to be as open as possible. Shit. There are so many things left unprocessed between us. I guess I will never understand her side. But I can try to get myself as clear as possible in order to learn as much as I can about this.

Hmm. So I asked the woman to ask Dani directly if she felt she was in need of support. The woman was at this point hesitant. Saying that maybe later. But since Dani happened to be nearby at the moment it was easy to mediate the woman’s question to her. Dani seemed at the moment to accept the situation for what it was, not really understanding why I did what I did (saying that she wonders what “makes me tick”) but still not sitting in a corner crying her selfish sexist little heart out.

I gave her some feedback on the workshop (that got a few “great workshop” comments, when people were leaving). Dani has had the same workshop before. Showing two films about squatting. One with the usual sexist bullshit propaganda. And another short one with a meeting showing how consensus is still not practiced, and minority opinions and ‘non-clique’ persons being run over, bullied out and pushed away.

She started the workshop herself by just talking talking talking. She didn’t ask if there were specific questions or topics that people would be interested in hearing about. And as I said before. About 5 persons speaking. And me the emotional outcast bringing in interesting criticism, is most likely seen through the filter of “dominant woman” – not as someone with knowledge, and also as someone in need of solidarity and support.

The way it could have been.

Showing film number one (that has this really strong sexist image – leaving something like that uncommented or unremarked at the beginning kind of sets the standard for what kind of denial can be accepted at the workshop. It’s good to warn about this image before showing the film.)

So. First show the film. Get people to get into smaller groups (3-4) for a few minutes to talk about what they felt or thought or would like to know or share. Then the questions can be collected in the larger group. And responded by the person showing the film, or anybody else who happens to have a response of some sort (unclear statements and unfinished thoughts are also welcome).

Second film. Same thing. Encourage people to get into groups with people they don’t already know.

PLUS. If there’s an intent with the workshop. Like for instance wanting to show the internal hierarchies within the squatting scene. Then this can be made clear. No need to keep these things in, for the sake of “neutrality” — a thing that doesn’t exist.

So. I gave some of this feedback to Dani afterwards. I was sitting by a computer changing the names of the women Dani was seeing in Tampere into initials on their request. One woman had felt really uncomfortable about me bringing the topic up at the workshop. I hope at least that now she sees that she doesn’t need to hide with this topic. And that she has a right to get angry. She has a right to make demands. Not just patiently and understandingly and calmly explain where her boundaries go and where she feels hurt while the guy is just fucking her mind and feelings all over with no regards whatsoever to what it leads to for the individual woman or women as a whole.

Dani was softly saying “Milla” while I was by the computer. I looked up, and then she was showing me a computer. A pink laptop. Like a kid in show and tell at school. She said she got it through a friend who didn’t need it. That it was a “complicated” story. She said that the computer had a “designated user”.

Once again I felt sick. It came over me afterwards as well. Dani continuing telling her life and intents without opening up. The mind-games I strongly dislike. I interpreted the message as some kind of – “Milla, look, I got a laptop for (a). I’m making her a part of my network.”

I don’t know what she meant. I don’t really care. I just know I don’t want a type of connection that puts women into competition. She does that a lot. Tries to put one woman down in order to express appreciation for another. Coming with the usual heterosexual monogamic “you’re the only one” “you are more special than the others” bullcrap, basing the love connection not on the specific relation, but instead building it on having a network where women go up and down on the ranking list. Who’s got the most milk in her titties for Dani at the moment? That’s where she goes. If mama’s run out of milk Dani moves on to the next place, more prosperous.

I really wish (a) will have the strength not to be taken in by the bullshit. Cut right through the crap and confront the equal there. Get angry. We have a right to get angry. It’s not crazy. It’s not strange.

Dani is the one who is acting crazy and strange (and at the same time I’m not denying my own imperfection one least bit. I’m perfectly willing to accept that my crazy drinking has traumatizing effects on my surrounding. I’m not in denial. It’s not about “who’s the biggest baddest meanest” but about what we’re willing to do to make it better. Being able to take in the reality of the other and admit simple things like “I was wrong, I did wrong – How can I make it better?”)

LETTER i SENT today TO ANOTHER WOMAN ABUSED BY DANI:

hello (r),

once again. i can’t express enough how your encouraging and
reaffirming words were needed. “break it off. lying about wanting to
love”. love is a dangerous drug.

the woman that dani’s been meeting up with in tampere is now fully
informed (has read through the text by stop male violence, and dani’s
still a complete sexist asshole, but is at least not denying that she
fits the pattern. it was also agreed at the meeting we had the four of
us – me, dani and the two women from tampere – that dani would write a
statement to the stop male violence group where she talks about
herself as having problems with abuse and violent behavior in intimate
relations, and that she wants help. since the realities differ so
much, i said i wouldn’t feel safe with only her writing, so we agreed
that me, dani and (a) would write a statement each. to show the group
what they’re dealing with.
)

also that we agreed on meeting up 13 or 14 of aug in budapest to have
a meeting with (v) facilitating. (it would be useful for me. so it’s
not for her sake i’m coming there. i still have somethings to
understand within myself about abusive relations and love)

i will be in romania 27 july – 2 aug. there will be a LoveKills festival there.

so. i will most likely go to budapest after this festival.

so, maybe some week before aug 13th?

it would be nice to get to know you better. as i said. it meant a lot
that you wrote to me. it broke my isolation with this matter.

sister
take care,
❤ milla

LoveKills, ROMANIA july 27 – aug 2 >>>

Callout for LoveKills Festival #4 (Camp!!)

LoveKills Collective intends to bring about the fourth edition of
LoveKills Festival in the summer of 2009. We will organize again the
anarcha-feminist gathering, but this time we would like to organize it
as a one week camp. The camp will take place in the mountains (west of
Romania, Socolari village) between 27 july – 02 august 2009. Our
experience with the previous editions and the impact they had, above
all in the local context, conferred us not only with the motivation
but also with the strength to keep on organizing such an event. We
believe and we feel that organizing such gatherings contributes to a
stabilization and activation of the anarcha-feminist community,
especially in the eastern-european area. Our passion for freedom and
our desire to achieve a society free of the violent patriarchal
oppression are stimulating us in taking another step forward in the
struggle to abolish patriarchy!  This is why we are inviting everyone
interested in joining and supporting us (we will need a great deal of
support!!) to contact (lovekills@riseup.net) for further information.
The program of the camp is also up to the participants to shape and
organize, meaning that everyone is invited to register (in advance of
course) for workshops/presentations/

lectures/exhibitions/performances
and so on…. To find out more about our collective and our work visit
the website: http://aro.ecobytes.net/lovekills/

In solidarity, LoveKills Collective

Male Pattern Violence (I’m sick of it)

by Milla

Sisters, Brothers, Everyone Recognized by the mainstream as Others. It's time we start taking care of each other.

Sisters, Brothers, Everyone Recognized by the mainstream as Others. It's time we start taking care of each other.

Posting three links with some of the common problems with being a radical feminist speaking of male violence.

click here: MALE PATTERN VIOLENCE

click here: REVERSE SEXISM

and last but not least. A really cool text, that is INCREDIBLY ENLIGHTENING for men and women both in identifying  the everyday violence perpetrated by men in order to keep the gender imbalance intact.

click here (From Men Against Male Violence): INTIMATE RELATION VIOLENCE THAT IS NOT CALLED VIOLENCE. (Everyday Male Chauvinism)

The intro text can feel ‘difficult’ to go through. A lot of text. I think it’s important to read it if you’re not familiar with the topic. But in order not to lose interest, I would recommend start reading the examples that start somewhere on page 17 of the pdf file that can be found in the link above. [added later on: the link stopped working, and is now replaced with a html (text) version] After reading it through it’s time to pass the knowledge on to the persons in your surrounding who claim to love you. If they start working on it, and stop the violence, they might be worth your time. Otherwise I recommend moving on. It’s not safe and comforting to live in denial. It’s harmful. It’s violent. It’s not loving. It’s not love.

Proposal (can consensus be reached?)

by Milla

Proposal does not mean “marriage”. Just wanting to make that clear. We were insane and talking about whatever forms would make it possible for us to be close, but this doesn’t matter anymore. (It’s so strange. Not being wanted, and not being understood. I really don’t understand why we didn’t get to know each other. Like. Sexism. How come people stick with it. ?? I don’t get it.) [reality show… drunken note made July 15. 2009. I guess added in case Dani would read this, so that there’s no weirdness going on. Cause there’s been enough and plenty of that (weird-o-ness) already.]

Hirvitalo in Tampere, Finland.

Hirvitalo in Tampere, Finland.

During Musta Pispala I’ve been dealing with conflict regarding violence within intimate relations, passing important knowledge on to my sisters ((a), (k)) and brother (Dani). Crying. Recovering from trauma. Doing 2 workshops at the art&culture-focused social centre Hirvitalo (Moose House) on Consensus (badly prepared… okay improvised…) and Theatre of the Oppressed. Having interesting talks with another feminist facing exclusion from the anarchist paper called Väärinajattelija (Wrong Thinker) for giving useful criticism on the dictatorial ways of Jukka to handle the paper. Apparently it was wrong of her to think that she could question authority…

And a special thanks to Rittis for reaching out, soothing my pain and sharing of yourself so givingly. I will never forget your support and how amazing you are. The crying and sharing and caring and Fighting! Resistance! we did during my stay at your place before coming to Tampere, was an incredibly inspiring time for me. A proof that community can exist. A proof that love can (and should!) heal and not harm. Power to you sister! We’ll meet again for sure. ❤

After desperately trying to convince — beg — pressure Dani into having a meeting to end this weird love affair we’ve been having, since I couldn’t stand living with the pain caused by her evasive vague statements, male oppression techniques, and un-willingness to confront what’s been going on between us in the middle of the craziness of all the external oppression expressed from the persons around us (some of which Dani is intimately involved with). She wouldn’t open up to talk about love in relation to us, instead she was easily sidetracking the subject by talking about other love relations, whenever I tried to speak of it.

She told me about (a), a new love interest. They had met in Vilnius, and Dani had had a nice time with her. Dani had decided to come to Tampere, Finland to continue checking out the squatting / alternative scene here, and also to meet with (a) and (k) that she had met before.

She was suggesting that we could meet. That I could make an info-event about the conflict in Helsinki with the social centre (a super good suggestion! but I ended up making a workshop on Consensus and another on Theatre of the Oppressed). She tossed up the idea of having some form of public conflict resolution event, where we could talk through some of the concerns I was having about her behavior.

I was going back and forth with my feelings of what to do. I didn’t feel safe with Dani. I felt manipulated by her vagueness and evasiveness, and still the lingering promise of love and intimacy somewhere in the mix of it all.

She said that she needed a break, and that her developing an intimate relation with (a) would have “good effects on our relation.” That we should meet up and talk about my concerns “later”.

When I finally expressed that I just couldn’t take the dys-communication whenever the topics of oppression and love within our intimate relation was brought up, and in angered desperation expressed that I wanted to meet up in order to break off the relations, she told me that it wasn’t a good idea to meet (I had said that she could have (a) there at the meeting comforting her – I had expressed before that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the idea of seeing Dani ravelling in self-pity and a loving woman there to soothe her in her oppressive behavior, but if this is what it would take to get a meeting… – the idea of this got her completely paranoid and determined not to meet with me, because it wouldn’t be “good for her mental health”. What’s good for the women around her, and our mental health is still not a priority for her).

It’s confusing going through so many emotions. Taking time to understand what is happening both outside and within. The love I know I have for Dani is still something I need to explore, and there’s curiousity in me understanding the power relations within that, to understand where I get tangled up in abusive patterns on my part. How to break free, and what can be learned in order to not confuse “dominancy” with love.

Dani didn’t want to meet up. But I managed to push through a meeting. I contacted (a) and (k) through Facebook, and I put pressure on Dani through Facebook and the blog in order for her to face up to her violent ways and not just escape into the caring arms of a woman in need of love just as much as her. A love that is equal not only in words but in actions. Cause all else ends up in “terrible tragedy” (as Dani herself had put it, when expressing some feelings about the development of the relation between her and I).

This is a letter I sent to Dani and (v) – a woman in Budapest with a strong feminist background who offered to facilitate a meeting between us, when I had asked her to put pressure on Dani to meet up, after Dani had stated that she wouldn’t be open for dialogue with me, during her stay with (a) and (k) in Tampere.

The letter is written the day after the meetings with Dani, (k) and (a). (Starting with a separate meeting with (k) and (a) in the evening when I arrived to Tampere — continuing with a meeting including Dani the following day).

After this letter, comes the short reply on possible dates for meeting written by (v).

hello dani (most people call you that, it’s easy, so why not, i figure)

and (v)

there’s been a meeting in tampere with (k), (a), dani
(a) understood that there was domination and violence in dani’s behavior,
dani was continuously using domination in the meeting,
i tried to point some of it out.

most of it wasn’t recognized by dani as such.
also that (a) figures that dani has started their relation by lying to her
not telling anything about other intimate relations
and also not telling her about the fact that she has abusive and
violent behavior in intimate relations
(when (a) asked dani why i had been contacting her over internet, dani
was saying that she had no clue what i was talking about)

this being the current situation. i didn’t really see any progress in dani’s behavior
and there was little recognition to her being violent towards me,
and no empathy with the situation i was in, being there informing (k), (a), dani
about the danger of not taking this seriously.

so she didn’t recognize sexism in not feeling empathy with neither (a)
nor me when we were speaking about harm done to us by her behavior
((a) about the lying, me about the general abuse towards both myself
and other women), instead she prefered talking about different
realities (this sounding as a neutral statement on her side to my ears
– so in her reality she didn’t harm and she didn’t lie).

dunno. i’m tired. this feels like bla bla.

i told dani that i’m not interested in working more her sexism unless
there would be an interest in her of having an intimate relation with
me.

i’ve changed my mind on the matter. i figured i could still develop
from having a meeting (even without progress on dani’s side), i
noticed i still have things to discover within myself. so i think i
could benefit from a facilitated meeting in budapest.

the suggested date does not suit me.

i will be at a LoveKills festival in Romania 27july–2aug

i could come by budapest on my way back. sometime after Aug 4th. i
need to be back in finland Aug 20.

would you (v) be able to meet in aug?
dani?

a meeting would be a really cool thing for me. i still feel there’s
been a lot of things unprocessed in this encounter / love connection /
abusive relation / creative exchange. i would like to understand
better what went on.

milla

(v)’s reply

Hi Milla, hi Dani,
It makes me sad to hear that there’s no improvement just denial and excuses (as usual…).
I will be back to Budapest n the 12th august, and I have a meeting on 17, 18, 19 whole days. On the 20th I work from 11 to 15 oclock. Otherwise I’m free so you can choose a date.
See you