Ronja, a young woman feeling close to the social centre project from where I’m excluded, contacted me over a chat. I refuse to take these things in private anymore, the exhausting talks – sometimes patiently listening and explaining, sometimes rude and just wanting to cut it short. These endless talks where I have to listen to how I could behave differently and be more understanding, and that I should be more grateful to any action done with the intent to “help” me.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the internalized hatred projected on other women. I’m sick of hearing how I should be more loving and patient.
I’m over it. I can be nothing but what I happen to be. If I turn into a monster every once in a while because of the insane pressure to fit into the role of a perfect woman (smile, shut up, spread) – couldn’t there just be some understanding instead of the judgemental “You see, this is why people treat you like shit. It’s your own fault.”
I’ve taken distance to Ronja. I really appreciate her intelligence, but I just can’t take the sexism anymore. The last straw for me was when she by showing a finger in the air indicated that I should be banned for this time (one finger = one year) from the social centre that in its principles claims to speak about problems openly and wanting to deal with discrimination and domination persistently.
11:12 PM Ronja: hello. I would like to communicate with you, if I’m able to do it in an unhurtful way (which is measured by you)
11:14 PM me: i am currently working on getting the blog done in a way so that it will be easier for people to understand the hell i’ve been through. you are still a person who
stuck a finger up in the air.
i can’t deal with this unjust attitude.
Ronja: do you remember my explanation?
11:15 PM me: that you thought it was better than two years?
pähkinä and sami said no.
11:16 PM Ronja: many people said they would leave if you were not banned, and i thought that they won’t take the 0 voicees to account and we need some time out, so i voted 1… but yeah, if you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to
11:17 PM me: and do you remember what i and pähkinä have said about this argumentation?
Ronja: please say it again
11:19 PM me: the exclusion of a black person, or a homosexual, or a transgendered person, or a hippie on the basis of somebody feeling “uncomfortable” with having them around is exclusion on the basis of prejudice. and in any emancipatory project there should be space to talk about oppressed realities. me talking about this. having to go through this. never being taken seriously. never being listened to properly. this is not time out. this is not getting justice. this is not getting care. this is a sexist exclusion of radical feminism.
11:20 PM when i need to tell my story over and over again in order to find people who are willing to do something. who are willing to work with me on this. this is not time out. this is like i have to go through talking about a rape over and over and over again.
11:21 PM and people just telling me “get over it”.
i think you are dead wrong in your politics.
11:22 PM Ronja: if you want to have any advice on how to communicate with people without making them feel threatened i have some suggestions. becaus i think that’s the main problem, that people don’t feel safe with the way you are expressing yourself
11:23 PM me: i don’t feel safe with the way you express yourself.
putting the blame on me, doesn’t make me feel safe.
Ronja: i really appreciate that you keep talking about what you’e going through. it’s just the anger that you have, that it would be good if it could be expressed, but instead of making people feel threatened, in a calm way of stating that you are angry
11:24 PM I’m sorry. I mean to say that it’s both your fault and their fault. i can’t say whos efault it’s bigger, its incomparable. they have been hurt, you have been hurt. i have been hurt.
me: Ronja Kati or whatever you feel like calling yourself. you human being who stripped me of the right to equal space by sticking a finger up the air.
11:25 PM so if people start hating you
and call you mentally ill
and write private shitty sexist email to you
and say you should be banned
for no reason whatsoever but their hatred for you
11:26 PM then it would be okay for me to sit there with the others and stick my finger up in the air?
Ronja: I guess their reason is that they fear you and try to protect themselves
me: and you sticking a finger up in the air is…?
Ronja: i’m really trying all the time to help you and the squat. i’m sorry if i’m helping… we don’t need to talk if i’mjust repeating trauma
11:27 PM me: you are not helping one least bit.
the only way to help me is to stop reproducing the sexist societal shit and take a clear stand against the madness. stop your goddamn victim-blaming.
11:28 PM the realities told are not treated in an equal way.
i’m being banned for speaking.
Ronja: you are also being banned for talking in a way which is making people feel threatened
me: others use physical violence. or spew hatred. and nothing absolutely nothing is done.
11:29 PM Ronja: there is also a way to deal with this that feels safe to everyone, and i’m trying to do it
me: and the “i hate feminists like you” “you should learn when to shut up in order to get laid”? and “she’s mentally ill” “what the fuck is she doing on this list, she should be banned from the house and the list”?
11:30 PM shouldn’t they also be banned then according to your logic?
that my heart is beating
i feel that
there’s a great sadness
in getting ignored
11:31 PM i feel hearbroken over the non-solidarity
and the unwillingness to talk.
and that there are so many silent bystanders
and that you say that micke is sexy when she “knows what needs to be done in a meeting”
and that people with power
11:32 PM can determine totally and completely what is okay and what is not in a project that says that it’s for speaking about things openly.
Ronja: i’m trying to say somthing that i hope you read carefully, because i try to say it right: behind everything is your sadness. if you show sadness, if you cry, it is easy to feel compassion for you. people comfort crying people. if you are angry towards everyone, they feel thrreatened. you have the right to be angry. but i suggest, that you try to cry instead of shouting. i say this to help you get the support you need
me: i feel crushed that there’s been no support in taking care of my mental health.
11:33 PM Ronja
Ronja: you and all women have a riht to shout. but aggression is threatening
me: you turn all the aggression inside
and you also project it on other women
11:34 PM Ronja: i have been doing this
me: like you told pähkinä that men who wear pink is exciting and interesting, and that you would go up and talk with them. and you also said that women who wear pink are not cool at all.
i’m sick of these double standards
Ronja: i know, but i try to be aware of it
i totally know it
11:35 PM me: of suicidal women who totally suck up to men
Ronja: although i just mean that some women who wear pink are icky to me, some women are not
11:36 PM me: and some men who draw penises on the walls of a women only space
Ronja: i express aggression these days
me: are perceived as aggressive to me
Ronja: to me also
and i’m trying to talk to them too
me: and some men who say cunt and bitch to women are perceived as aggressive to me
Ronja: i’m not only talking to you
me: well. you talk to people differently.
11:37 PM Ronja: can you know how i talk to people when you’re not there?
me: and you don’t take any accountability for going along with group pressure and voting me out.
i know that you show one finger in the air when im not there.
Ronja: i have said and i say now that i do feel the peer pressure
11:38 PM me: i will post this on the blog.
cause i’m sick of these things in private.
having to listen to this.
Ronja: yes, you have my permission
11:40 PM i’m still hoping that i’ll see the day you can come back to the squat, and i’m trying to make it that way. i just feel so bad that i never get any acceptance from you, whatever i do s wrong. when i’m really trying
me: i think what you’re saying about me crying is bullshit. cause i’ve gone through every possible emotion and i’ve expressed it in a million different ways.
11:41 PM Ronja: I always see you expressing anger firstly and foremostly… I mean, if you could show the sadness that is behind it, without trying to be powerful and turning it to hat… to show vulnerability
me: i think you’re just projecting societies idiotic standards on how i’m supposed to “behave” when i’m exposed to really sad mad oppressive behaviors.
11:42 PM there are definitely more sensitive ways of listening to a person in my position.
Ronja: i’m not saying you’re supposed to. i’m just trying to point out that if you show anger to people, they get scared
me: how would i express sadness in the “right” way according to you?
and who are “they”?
11:43 PM Ronja: i’m sorry. i want to say that… i really love you and i want you to feel good, and i’m sorry if i can’t evr do anything but hurt you, i don’t want to do the same my father has done to me, saying i love you and beating me up
me: cause there are a lot of people who think the people involved in the social centre are completely nuts.
Ronja: i think they have their own insanity
11:44 PM me: who are “they”?
Ronja: especially pikku-markus…
i don’t know really who “they” are, there’s so many people in this
11:45 PM me: i can understand that you have a need to talk. and that you have a need to talk in a safe environment. i can only tell you that i’m not that person for you.
and what i’m looking for now are people who will not start licking ass in order to save their own skin, or blame me for freaking out every now and then, when i’m going through all this insane shit.
11:46 PM i can’t take this type of behavior anymore.
i need warmth and solidarity.
and i need to be loved in a way i feel loved in. not just with words. but with actions.
11:47 PM Ronja: have you forgotten every time i have done exactly what you have wanted?
me: i appreciate these moments of solidarity.
Ronja: i’m suffering too, getting shit from both you and other people, when i’m trying to help people treat each other with love
me: and hate the times when you’ve turned against me.
11:48 PM well. then we should all sit down and have a long talk on what love is.
cause i have a different idea of this than you.
11:49 PM love is not self-sacrifice. or sucking it up. or a vague feeling. it’s real concrete actions.
Ronja: i know i haven’t done everything i could ave done for you, and i’m sorry, but i have other things in my life also
me: you might feel love for me when you have your finger in the air. but i just dont see it that way. i dont feel it that way.
Ronja: i’m doing what ican without sacrificing myself
11:50 PM me: the best thing you can do is just to take care of yourself.
stop “helping” me.
Ronja: i am taking care of myself
11:51 PM i was just feeling sad about you feeling sad and i wanted to say that iwish something i wanted to do could help you
can I show this dialogue to my friends?
11:52 PM me: well. take up the discussion on my exclusion. talk about the meeting that wasn’t consensus. fight the madness and the prejudice instead of telling me that i should cry more than i already have.
nothing i do is private. anything i’ve done or said can be passed on. there’s already a monster of rumours out there about me.
11:53 PM Ronja: well i’ll try talking to the squat people, fighting the madness there
me: good luck.