Chatting with Ronja

by Milla

Ronja, a young woman feeling close to the social centre project from where I’m excluded, contacted me over a chat. I refuse to take these things in private anymore, the exhausting talks – sometimes patiently listening and explaining, sometimes rude and just wanting to cut it short. These endless talks where I have to listen to how I could behave differently and be more understanding, and that I should be more grateful to any action done with the intent to “help” me.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the internalized hatred projected on other women. I’m sick of hearing how I should be more loving and patient.

I’m over it. I can be nothing but what I happen to be. If I turn into a monster every once in a while because of the insane pressure to fit into the role of a perfect woman (smile, shut up, spread) – couldn’t there just be some understanding instead of the judgemental “You see, this is why people treat you like shit. It’s your own fault.”

I’ve taken distance to Ronja. I really appreciate her intelligence, but I just can’t take the sexism anymore. The last straw for me was when she by showing a finger in the air indicated that I should be banned for this time (one finger = one year) from the social centre that in its principles claims to speak about problems openly and wanting to deal with discrimination and domination persistently.

this is the chat we had this evening:

11:12 PM Ronja: hello. I would like to communicate with you, if I’m able to do it in an unhurtful way (which is measured by you)
11:14 PM me: i am currently working on getting the blog done in a way so that it will be easier for people to understand the hell i’ve been through. you are still a person who
stuck a finger up in the air.
i can’t deal with this unjust attitude.
Ronja: do you remember my explanation?
11:15 PM me: that you thought it was better than two years?
pähkinä and sami said no.
11:16 PM Ronja: many people said they would leave if you were not banned, and i thought that they won’t take the 0 voicees to account and we need some time out, so i voted 1… but yeah, if you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to
11:17 PM me: and do you remember what i and pähkinä have said about this argumentation?
Ronja: please say it again
11:19 PM me: the exclusion of a black person, or a homosexual, or a transgendered person, or a hippie on the basis of somebody feeling “uncomfortable” with having them around is exclusion on the basis of prejudice. and in any emancipatory project there should be space to talk about oppressed realities. me talking about this. having to go through this. never being taken seriously. never being listened to properly. this is not time out. this is not getting justice. this is not getting care. this is a sexist exclusion of radical feminism.
11:20 PM when i need to tell my story over and over again in order to find people who are willing to do something. who are willing to work with me on this. this is not time out. this is like i have to go through talking about a rape over and over and over again.
11:21 PM and people just telling me “get over it”.
i think you are dead wrong in your politics.
11:22 PM Ronja: if you want to have any advice on how to communicate with people without making them feel threatened i have some suggestions. becaus i think that’s the main problem, that people don’t feel safe with the way you are expressing yourself
11:23 PM me: i don’t feel safe with the way you express yourself.
putting the blame on me, doesn’t make me feel safe.
Ronja: i really appreciate that you keep talking about what you’e going through. it’s just the anger that you have, that it would be good if it could be expressed, but instead of making people feel threatened, in a calm way of stating that you are angry
11:24 PM I’m sorry. I mean to say that it’s both your fault and their fault. i can’t say whos efault it’s bigger, its incomparable. they have been hurt, you have been hurt. i have been hurt.
me: Ronja Kati or whatever you feel like calling yourself. you human being who stripped me of the right to equal space by sticking a finger up the air.
fuck you
11:25 PM so if people start hating you
and call you mentally ill
and write private shitty sexist email to you
and say you should be banned
for no reason whatsoever but their hatred for you
11:26 PM then it would be okay for me to sit there with the others and stick my finger up in the air?
Ronja: I guess their reason is that they fear you and try to protect themselves
me: and you sticking a finger up in the air is…?
Ronja: i’m really trying all the time to help you and the squat. i’m sorry if i’m helping… we don’t need to talk if i’mjust repeating trauma
11:27 PM me: you are not helping one least bit.
the only way to help me is to stop reproducing the sexist societal shit and take a clear stand against the madness. stop your goddamn victim-blaming.
11:28 PM the realities told are not treated in an equal way.
i’m being banned for speaking.
Ronja: you are also being banned for talking in a way which is making people feel threatened
me: others use physical violence. or spew hatred. and nothing absolutely nothing is done.
11:29 PM Ronja: there is also a way to deal with this that feels safe to everyone, and i’m trying to do it
me: and the “i hate feminists like you” “you should learn when to shut up in order to get laid”? and “she’s mentally ill” “what the fuck is she doing on this list, she should be banned from the house and the list”?
11:30 PM shouldn’t they also be banned then according to your logic?
i feel
that my heart is beating
i feel that
there’s a great sadness
and solitude
and anger
in getting ignored
11:31 PM i feel hearbroken over the non-solidarity
and the unwillingness to talk.
and that there are so many silent bystanders
and that you say that micke is sexy when she “knows what needs to be done in a meeting”
and that people with power
11:32 PM can determine totally and completely what is okay and what is not in a project that says that it’s for speaking about things openly.
Ronja: i’m trying to say somthing that i hope you read carefully, because i try to say it right: behind everything is your sadness. if you show sadness, if you cry, it is easy to feel compassion for you. people comfort crying people. if you are angry towards everyone, they feel thrreatened. you have the right to be angry. but i suggest, that you try to cry instead of shouting. i say this to help you get the support you need
me: i feel crushed that there’s been no support in taking care of my mental health.
11:33 PM Ronja
Ronja: you and all women have a riht to shout. but aggression is threatening
me: you turn all the aggression inside
and you also project it on other women
11:34 PM Ronja: i have been doing this
me: like you told pähkinä that men who wear pink is exciting and interesting, and that you would go up and talk with them. and you also said that women who wear pink are not cool at all.
i’m sick of these double standards
Ronja: i know, but i try to be aware of it
i totally know it
11:35 PM me: of suicidal women who totally suck up to men
Ronja: although i just mean that some women who wear pink are icky to me, some women are not
11:36 PM me: and some men who draw penises on the walls of a women only space
Ronja: i express aggression these days
me: are perceived as aggressive to me
Ronja: to me also
and i’m trying to talk to them too
me: and some men who say cunt and bitch to women are perceived as aggressive to me
Ronja: i’m not only talking to you
me: well. you talk to people differently.
11:37 PM Ronja: can you know how i talk to people when you’re not there?
me: and you don’t take any accountability for going along with group pressure and voting me out.
i know that you show one finger in the air when im not there.
Ronja: i have said and i say now that i do feel the peer pressure
11:38 PM me: i will post this on the blog.
cause i’m sick of these things in private.
having to listen to this.
Ronja: yes, you have my permission
11:40 PM i’m still hoping that i’ll see the day you can come back to the squat, and i’m trying to make it that way. i just feel so bad that i never get any acceptance from you, whatever i do s wrong. when i’m really trying
me: i think what you’re saying about me crying is bullshit. cause i’ve gone through every possible emotion and i’ve expressed it in a million different ways.
11:41 PM Ronja: I always see you expressing anger firstly and foremostly… I mean, if you could show the sadness that is behind it, without trying to be powerful and turning it to hat… to show vulnerability
me: i think you’re just projecting societies idiotic standards on how i’m supposed to “behave” when i’m exposed to really sad mad oppressive behaviors.
11:42 PM there are definitely more sensitive ways of listening to a person in my position.
Ronja: i’m not saying you’re supposed to. i’m just trying to point out that if you show anger to people, they get scared
me: how would i express sadness in the “right” way according to you?
and who are “they”?
11:43 PM Ronja: i’m sorry. i want to say that… i really love you and i want you to feel good, and i’m sorry if i can’t evr do anything but hurt you, i don’t want to do the same my father has done to me, saying i love you and beating me up
me: cause there are a lot of people who think the people involved in the social centre are completely nuts.
Ronja: i think they have their own insanity
11:44 PM me: who are “they”?
Ronja: especially pikku-markus…
i don’t know really who “they” are, there’s so many people in this
11:45 PM me: i can understand that you have a need to talk. and that you have a need to talk in a safe environment. i can only tell you that i’m not that person for you.
and what i’m looking for now are people who will not start licking ass in order to save their own skin, or blame me for freaking out every now and then, when i’m going through all this insane shit.
11:46 PM i can’t take this type of behavior anymore.
i need warmth and solidarity.
and i need to be loved in a way i feel loved in. not just with words. but with actions.
11:47 PM Ronja: have you forgotten every time i have done exactly what you have wanted?
me: i appreciate these moments of solidarity.
Ronja: i’m suffering too, getting shit from both you and other people, when i’m trying to help people treat each other with love
me: and hate the times when you’ve turned against me.
11:48 PM well. then we should all sit down and have a long talk on what love is.
cause i have a different idea of this than you.
11:49 PM love is not self-sacrifice. or sucking it up. or a vague feeling. it’s real concrete actions.
Ronja: i know i haven’t done everything i could ave done for you, and i’m sorry, but i have other things in my life also
me: you might feel love for me when you have your finger in the air. but i just dont see it that way. i dont feel it that way.
Ronja: i’m doing what ican without sacrificing myself
11:50 PM me: the best thing you can do is just to take care of yourself.
stop “helping” me.
Ronja: i am taking care of myself
11:51 PM i was just feeling sad about you feeling sad and i wanted to say that iwish something i wanted to do could help you
can I show this dialogue to my friends?
11:52 PM me: well. take up the discussion on my exclusion. talk about the meeting that wasn’t consensus. fight the madness and the prejudice instead of telling me that i should cry more than i already have.
nothing i do is private. anything i’ve done or said can be passed on. there’s already a monster of rumours out there about me.
11:53 PM Ronja: well i’ll try talking to the squat people, fighting the madness there
me: good luck.

Does an Anarchist need a role model?

by Pre-Kaarina

I started to think about myself as a possible role model since I am turning 40 and thought whether Anarchists need role models. The conclusion was that Anarchist youth does not really need anyone adult to look up to.  However, what is the youth bombarded with today and did I have any role models growing up and how did that affect my self-esteem.

Pornography. I used to have an innocent view where pornography was in its assigned slot. I am still pro-sex in that way, pornography should be allowed only within certain confines, out of the reach of children and adolescents, after all, it is adult entertainment.  Adults differ from children in a way that we can tell facts from fantasy, at least most of us, at least most of the time.

The weltanschaaung of porn is spreading where it does not belong. Nowadays most of the spam I receive concern viagra pills and penis enlargements. That goes on to show that even males face pressure from pornographic image of  constant hard-ons without any regard to emotional factors, heterosexual males are not supposed to let emotional factors overrule anyhow. When that spam is delivered to women, it also assumes that we are heterosexual or if we are, we care about penis enlargement and hard-ons at will.

Pornographic pressures for women are self-evident, I do not need to elaborate on that. However, there are plenty of valid role-models for heteronormative cissexual youth still, masculine or feminine.

I grew up queer, though. My role-models, if I had any, were without fail from the porn industry. I became a prostitute because the Samis do reindeer husbandry and the Romany do divination, the choice was obvious and omnipresent. I did not even really question it. I must add that I do not see anything bad in my work as a prostitute and I do not feel a victim more than any other laborer.

What interests me is that the image of a queer transgender person was even officially made perverted.   Finland had the laws for sterilization and castration. Why two laws for essentially the same thing? The castration law was designed for sexual offenders and their chemical castration. The idea was naturally to suppress their sexual drive, not their ability to procreate that much. The law of sterilization was out there to suppress procreation, while leaving desire intact. After all, heterosexual desire is regarded as almost holy, while queer desire is regarded through pornography.

With transsexuals the outcome of sex-reassignment procedure is sterility, while there is no need to suppress sex-drive of any transsexual. Which law do you think  was applied to transsexuals. 1969 the last sexual offender was voluntarily castrated, after that everyone that went through the castration board proceedings was transsexual, up until 2002 when the law was repealed by the unanimous decision of the parliament.

Transsexuals were equaled with pedophiles.

No wonder I got to hear in my school from one of my classmates’ parents a libel that went unpunishded that I surely would become a rapist. No doubt the school principal Aune Huotari and the school psychiatrist thought the same way.  During the parliamentary discussions paula Kokkonen raised concerns of transsexual patients being let in the same patient rooms with cissexual women, because she feared the women could be made vulnerable to rape. Still, in overcrowded Finnish hospitals, men and women are sometimes mixed in rooms. That does not raise anyones concerns over women’s safety. Of course not, cissexual heterosexual men are less potential rapists than pornographized queers!

I never became a rapist, I became a prostitute, according to some, prostitution equals being raped.  There was an interview in the Prostitute Support Center where I was asked if my prostitution was my own choice. I said it was. The interviewer was not happy with that answer, but furthered it with an additional one: “What other choices did you have?”, which I replied: “none”.  A wise celebrity has said: “When choices are absent, so is humanity”.

I do not know whether the rulings of the Castration board, hateful slander by Paula Kokkonen and others based on dire pornography or filmographic scum like “Dressed to Kill”, but their ignorance and abuse of authority restricted my growth as a responsible adult. they were verbal rapists and even when disguised as females they do not escape my verdict. I see such people as midgets of the mind. My hate is burning in flames against this country from hell!

So, does a young Anarchist need a role model? Is a 40-year old queer woman good enough to be one. I’ll leave it up to them to decide. Never, ever stop hating Finland.  Am I starting to sound preachy? Well, then it’s time for me to shut up.

A working relation – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Frankfurt am Main, 970 km from Budapest)

knowing me knowing you

The photo is the outcome of two persons sharing realities, concerns, wishes and needs during a two day talk at EKH in Vienna. Post-it notes were put on a window and then moved around into groups, after which possible solutions were thought out. While sitting in the sun-light and posting notes Abba’s Knowing Me Knowing You was played in the background: “Knowing me knowing you, it’s the best I can do”.

So, a lot of personal-political stuff has been processed the last months. Close encounters with paranoid sexist exclusion of radical feminism within the Morze collective (Budapest infoshop) as well as having to deal with and figuring out what the hell jealousy – envy – and personal boundaries mean, while dealing with mental illness, as the natural response to facing shitty bullying behavior, and bad coping strategies such as heavy drinking.

(d) having tight working and intimate relations with persons who are fairly hostile and hateful towards me and my politics made me realize that free love is a beautiful concept, but not always possible to follow through in practice. Loving (d) would mean exposing myself to hearing about the dysfunctional relations she’s having with the people who hate me, and knowing myself, it would not be possible to accept the ignorant standpoint on just dropping the subject of sexism – exclusion – antiauthoritarian horizontal political practice that according to theory (at least) should be central issues for any self-proclaimed emancipatory project.

Loving (d) would – with the unwillingness of her kin to recognize that there’s a problem, and actively ignoring it and refusing to address it – well, loving her would for me in this case be some form of self-sacrificing torture – dealing with the damaged behavior of the people around us as well as having to deal with the following coping mechanisms of (d) including mental health problems and drinking. Trying to get a functioning relation with a person who is at the initial phases of dealing with her own sexism is hard enough as it is – and then taking on everyone she’s relating to leads to mental and emotional exhaustion.

(d) and I met in Vienna at EKH. We spent 2 and a half days together of constant talking. It was highly emotional. I spent the days crying, and turning to coffee and alcohol.

FEEDBACK: The thoughts that came after on what kind of improvements there could have been.

1) using a talking stick from the moment we met, in order to give space and time to think while speaking, and not get overwhelmed by emotion. (or at least use the stick when the conversation turns from small talk to triggering – emotional – heavy. we started using it only after a day or so)

2) a third person facilitating (cause i felt i was stuck in that role, even though i completely freaked out while drinking).

3) continuously speaking in “I”-sentences, owning our own feelings. Instead of “You make me feel…” say “I feel So&So when you do This&That cause I have a need for BlaBla”. (since we have differences in our thinking and feeling and behavior there were a lot of things that was triggering, easily leading to defensive distancing labeling talk like “psycho” and “idiot”)

this is the text I wrote as a summary of what had been coming up in the talks, and what we had agreed on doing. clarifications of timelines and such will be added after the next time (d) and i get to talk with oneanother.

THE DEAL [written by (C.I.Fotze)]

After a 2 month period of (Fotze) processing her life and experiences and feelings and needs openly and in a continuous flood to (d), who did not read, relate nor respond, there was a clear idea for both that something was not real about their mutual “let’s build community and share love together” fantasy.

Meeting in Vienna was a lot of sharing and endless repetition and frustration and hard earnest efforts to relate to the reality perception of the other in spite of conflicting feelings, needs and differing ideas of what’s real and what’s not – i.e. clashing personal politics. (For instance: How to relate to sexism).

(d) sees a future in making efforts in creating working – as well as personal intimate – relations with the persons involved in the Morze infoshop (Budapest), while (Fotze) finds the exclusionary anti-feminist environment, plus relating to (d) having physical intimate relations with the persons responsible for the exclusion and anti-feminist environment, damaging for her mental health. So…

Using a method where problems / concerns / ideas were put on post-it notes and then moved around and grouped into categories, it was easier to get an overview of how to talk about and eventually how to relate to the conflict and the dysfunctional communication between the two.

The common point – a functional working relation – turned out to be relating to the sexism (or (d) would probably more relate to the terms: exclusion and hierarchies) within the Morze infoshop collective – trying to move that process towards an open debate on what the common goals and what working methods this project should have.

(d) is relating to it because she feels related to the persons in the infoshop because of personal history and attachment, and also sees a future in some of the concrete practical projects related to it. (Fotze) is bothered by the open sexism expressed by many involved in the project and also that there’s been open authoritarian sexist attempts to exclude her from relating to the infoshop, plus blatant refusal to deal with this as a political problem afterwards. The combination of seeing sexism as something important to be dealt with within any emancipatory project, plus wanting to relate to (d) in a safe functioning way, led to minimizing the love relation to a collaboration on dealing with sexism (exclusion and hierarchies) within the Morze infoshop.

(d) will write to

Indymedia Hungary

The Morze infoshop mailing list

Sosiaalikeskus blog

And also do a workshop on exclusion.

(Fotze) will encourage (d), (h), (mx), (v),(mr), (p) to have an open discussion on internal hierarchies on the sosiaalikeskus blog.

There will be a mutual talk / update on the progress of the conflict within the Budapest infoshop weekly, using calls, chat or worst case email (if there’s something specific happening then it can be summed up – jotted down on pieces of paper – and then shared at the weekly info thingy).

Possible changes in communication will be brought up continuously.

Budapest Infoshop – Magyar

by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Budapest)

THE WORLD: Sandbox, Family, Morze Infoshop

THE WORLD: Sandbox, Family, Morze Infoshop. An empty scene...

Hmm. I’m feeling dead and disconnected. There are interesting people around, and also people who can understand what I’m talking about when I say: Sexism, Group Dynamics, Community. But.

Once again I’m stuck and obsessing over Things That Hurt. I’m trying to get some justice in order to get some peace in relation to a group of people who have come together for whatever random reasons. The world is a sandbox and we all just ended up here spade in hand and started interacting with one another in the ways we’re used to.

I was bullied out of the box, some kids told me I shouldn’t come to the playground. I said that the playground is for everybody, and I want help from the other kids to deal with the bullying. But most of the other kids don’t care. Either they blame me for being bullied. Or don’t think it happened. Or think that I’m violent because I’m insisting on talking about it.

There’s been an email exchange. Mostly me repeating: “We have a problem! And we should deal with it!” And others going “Why don’t you just find some other place to go and bad-mouth and complain!” I don’t feel okay, and when I express that openly I’m told that i spread negativity and complexes. I don’t know how to deal with it. But I try. It’s insane. But I try.

So. In this email exchange the different realities are coming out. One woman compared the situation to a sandbox. A brilliant analogy. Social relations are just like that. How we relate to the bullying in the sandbox. She told me to stop complaining about the bullies and go find another sandbox to play in. That I’m just a kid hanging on the fence boardering to a multitude of other sandboxes. She doesn’t understand why I don’t go somewhere else. Then she explained further that she feels that the people in the sandbox [the Morze infoshop] felt like family to her.

I think I agree with her perspective on things. There is no self-deception going on. Just as a matter-of-fact acceptance. Sandbox. Family. Morze Infoshop.

The only thing that differs is that I don’t accept these systems. I want something different.

Here’s yet another mail I sent today on my own exclusion:

.

.

.

SUBJECT:

what kind of group do you want? (exclusion and group dynamics)

this is long. but with content.

an email structured like this:

1) intro
2) my idea of what’s going on within the Budapest infoshop collective
/ the radical leftist scene in europe + my interpretation of what i
think (mr)’s idea of the bp infoshop collective is… kind of a
mix…
3) my idea of (p)’s stand in this conflict (regarding my exclusion).
4) shortly saying that 4 basic things are needed for consensus
decision making within groups. the first being: A Group (willing to
work together). So… my whole point with this mail being… why not
have a discussion on what kind of group you/we want and wish for?
Agree on what the hell you want to do together and / or at least HOW
you want to do things together.
5) about a workshop + discussion on
Meeting techniques, Consensus Decision Making, Conflict (resolution?),
Group Dynamics this thursday. in Budapest. I’ve added (n) to the
email string, since (h) wrote an email to her with concerns about
some “sect-ish” tendencies within the collective (n) is participating
in. Just showing that sometimes it’s easier to notice and worry about
what is going on “on the other side of the fence” than reflect on what
is happening within one’s own social circles.[sandbox] (my own point
of view in this being that (h) herself has a dominating role in her
own collective)

NUMBER 1)
========

hello everybody,
hello (p) who i was shouting “i am the ni****r” to this afternoon…
(i know it’s not cool behavior. and i know: i need more support in
order to be calm and balanced in this)

okay, i know i’ve been dominating this discussion. kind of repeating
over and over again: There’s a problem! Let’s talk about it! (please
be patient with me)

so. i really appreciate(mr)’s analogies to ‘sandbox’ and ‘family’
[family also used by (h)],
cause i really recognize myself in these descriptions. and see that
these comparisons are good ways to bring out the different ways
we as individuals relate to these concepts.

what i’m obsessed about discussing is

— Discussion culture
— Decision making
— Exclusion (“Otherness”)

— The way our (active, passive, silent, loud) participation affect
what happens in a(ny) collective.

my criticism is related to systems. not individuals. we are all
responsible of getting aware of what roles we have in these systems
and see what we can do to bring change about. (with this i want to
make clear i’m not looking for “the bad/evil guys”, in the same way as
i don’t think that killing the president is a good solution. somebody
else would just take this persons place. this is how the systems work.
only awareness and willingness to break patterns and try something new
will make a difference in the end. we are all responsible for what
happens around us.)

in this mail i present two interpretations of how i understand the
realities of two persons – (mr) and (p)
i’m not sure if my criticism comes out clearly in my
interpretations… it’s related to how i see groups function in
general and also how the scene is reacting to me as a radical
feminist. [i am treated like the “other”, “non-family” member. black
sheep.]

the descriptions i make fit into the reality that i experience as “the
other”, and in this i try to bring out the inconsistency that i see in
statements made on bp infoshop flyers, and on the internet pages:

— “People who come to Budapest for the first time  can get in touch with the antiauthoritarian political underground.”

— “All horizontalist grassroot groups can hold open or closed
meetings, debates, workshops, working sessions.”

the system i’m about to describe is far from horizontal or
antiauthoritarian. and very close to how i percieve things to be at
this moment in time…

NUMBER 2:
=========

(mr) I would like to know if I’ve understood this correctly… It would
be great if you could comment-react-disagree-agree-

say whatever
(feelings, thoughts, opinions). I would really appreciate it. [the
same goes for you (p). And anybody else.]

One reality as I understand it

(a completely subjective interpretation – you may call it bizarre if
you wish – and in this case I would very much like to know what
specific details in this interpretation that you find bizarre, and why
– it would really help me understand what is going on in this group of
random people. your point of view is especially of interest to me
since you (mr) are repeating that i should just go and do my politics
elsewhere).

Here comes some more story-telling. Once upon a time:

??? ?? ? ?? ? +++ ?? +++ ++ + ??? + ++ ++ + + +
……………………………………………………
(mr) relates to some of the people involved in the infoshop as her family.
And out of that emotional reality she also respects a diffuse
decision-making model where << inclusion — exclusion >> depends on
certain (or even a majority? of the) members of the family liking or
disliking

>>>  persons

opinions / ideas / thoughts

attitudes / actions

for (however) vaguely stated reasons. It’s a discussion culture where
“Yes” or “Veto” is enough to tip the scales in favor or against.

The same type of social mechanisms that function within a family or a
sect – where a person expressing a differing viewpoint is easily seen
as the black sheep disrupting the “peace” (or law and order) – at
worst [naah. Best!*] a dissenting family/sect member’s refusal to
conform to the norm can lead to her being cut off from the rest of the
herd, and Pushed Out Into the Great Unknown.

As a family member (mr) accepts these social mechanisms to rule the
life of the group. Hierarchy is accepted in the
INFOSHOP-family-sandbox. The sandbox can have visitors**, but the only
way to receive full valid membership in the family hierarchy is
through marriage or adoption. Both have to be accepted by the head(s)
of the family in order to receive official recognized status.

[Friendships and other relations outside the home/sandbox is accepted,
as long as friends and “others”, with differing opinions are kept away
from the discussions around the family dinner table. No pizza for
dissidents! This way it’s possible to maintain an atmosphere where
traditional values can safely be transferred from generation to
generation without disturbing disruptions. Change comes very slowly
within the family. If ever at all.]

??? ?? ? ?? ? +++ ?? +++ ++ + ??? + ++ ++ + + +

*Best! Because it’s a whole lot worse to be ignored, ridiculed, not
taken seriously. Put in roles that don’t fit and that we can never
fulfill in any satisfying way.
** And as with any family – if distant relative Auntie Milly comes
visiting, Papa P will skip dinner and spend the afternoon and
evening in her study reading books, drinking tea, and smoking cigars,
cause Milly talks way too much and asks way too many questions and
Papa P gets way too redfaced and way too headachy and annoyed
whenever she is around.

The Great Unknown [ =outside the sandbox] – An imaginary territory
(kind of the same way we imagine “country”) usually described as a
really nasty and fascist and dangerous place amongst family members.
The family has a deeply rooted identity in being a safe place to hide
from the evils of the world. Family is good and safe. Outsiders /
Non-Family Members are seen as potential threats and possible
evil-doers. The Great Unknown, “enemy-land”, is clearly separated from
the well-known “home-land” by the wooden sides of the sandbox. The
concept of ‘inside’ / ‘outside’ is deeply imprinted in the brains of
family/sect members. As well as the motto: “Protect the Sandbox at all
cost”.

NUMBER 3..
=========

Another reality as I understand it:

(p) is not fully informed on the previous conflict – and has after
listening to some of the persons involved – come to the conclusion
that she disagrees with the exclusionary decisions made / methods used
by (h) and (mx), but doesn’t take a confrontational approach to
making a discussion happen around this. If people don’t want to talk
about a tree – then it’s violent insisting on talking about the tree
(was the example given to me earlier today). So (p) is also having a
conflict within herself, in wanting to support me, Pina, but at the
same time not seeing any point in putting efforts into supporting a
discussion, since she sees it as fruitless and violent. Instead: She
feels that declaring friendship with everybody is a good way of
resolving conflicts in the long run.

(p) can’t relate to the sand-box analogy because she thinks there is
a difference between grown-ups and children. Bullies in the sandbox do
not have the same rights as grown-up (h) and adult (mx) and
already-come-of-age (v) in not talking about their participation in
disturbing incidents and display of violent behavior and the effects
these things have on their surroundings.

NUMBER 4 ?
==========

a bit a bout
CONSENSUS [decision making]

Each person has a part of the truth, and no one has all of it.

Needs four ingredients:
1. A group of people willing to work together.
2. A problem or issue that requires a decision by the group.
3. Trust that there is a solution.
4. And perseverance to find the truth.

Leads to PEACE, PROSPERITY, EFFICIENCY.

The fundamental right of consensus is for all people to be able to
express themselves in their own words and and of their own will. The
fundamental responsibility of consensus is to assure others of their
right to speak and be heard.

NUMBER 5 !
==========

bye bye
Auntie Milly