by Milla [she=he]
For further background on this discussion check this post
In the video I’m talking with Stacy about feminism, my exclusion from the Helsinki social center, and about her saying that I raped a man called Daniel. A man I had a very abusive intimate relation with, and that I would still like to confront on fucked up behavior.
For further background on the fucked behavior read
I will write more on this talk later. Below the video is a transcript of what is said.
Stacy: I want the same treatment with you also, I want that you break off relationships that are harmful for yourself. I realized when Dani had one person … relationship with one person that had a borderline personality disorder, and then one with bulimia, and then he’s borderline personality disordered himself. So, he is looking for a some kind of a therapist and I think you are looking for one too, and having a relationship is not the way to go, and hanging in circles like these is also not a way to go. I think you need time to be alone, and forget about this life, start a new life altogether, because I think you are hanging in a pattern that is like self-destructive. It might even be that you are seeing here the same people that have banned you from the social center. I mean, you are going through the trauma over and over again. I have been through that myself. And I have started a new life.
Milla: Like I said before, that I don’t feel like I’m being seen by you in this conflict and that you just take random information that you get and then it’s not really … You said that you’re on a quest for truth and that you want to like, really find out things but instead you take information and then you just create a whole world around that piece of information and when you’re saying that, for instance, that from your point of view, it would be okay if I confront Dani if Dani has had a reasonable amount of time to prove herself if she is going to do something about her behavior or not, and this you say without looking at the interaction that I’ve had with this person for over a year. This is a very long time for two persons to interact and many different things going on, so, it’s without relating or knowing this story, you make up certain ideas of what is the right thing to do at what moment. So I would definitely recommend you to – if you really want to mediate – or help out people, which is what you are expressing, you’re saying that your intentions are good, and that you wish well for the persons and then I think you should really look at like how to, you know – read material – on how to be sensitive in a conflict. You’re saying that you want to make peace with me, but I feel that you’re kind of twisting and turning your stand on this. Because in writing it comes out in a really mean way, and now you’re a little bit more diplomatic and then you turn it here and there. Because either I am a feminist or I am about man-hatred, I mean these things are not just things … I mean, I did not say that the stuff that you’ve been writing is misogynist, I did not say that as an attacking word, I’m saying it because there’s something fundamentally seriously not okay with the stuff that you’ve been writing. And this can be pointed out by other feminists, who are aware of these power structures. So that’s why I’ve been really hurt by the stuff, because it’s been an addition of what Dani has already done to me, and that’s also a part of a way to dominate and to get control over the situation, that Dani decides when there’s gonna be a confrontation, and how it’s going to be, or even if, and I think that that’s really wrong. That if I’ve done something wrong, then I don’t have the right to decide like, when is the right moment for me, when I feel emotionally capable of dealing with when I’ve been hurting another human being. That’s up to the up to the other person …
Stacy: Has he done wrong? I mean, willfully purposefully hurting people. Have you … You have had abusive relationships where you have been abusive and you have been using abusive language … Do you have purpose to harm people? I do not think so. You do a certain type of behavior, because you are traumatized or disturbed, I think it is the same thing with Dani. He is not only making mistakes but he is repeating them, I think he is feeling awful about it. He’s in a crazy vortex of doing wrong and he can not get out it. And the same is with you.
Milla: And I would say that you have really disturbing behaviors that you put openly on display and that you really should deal with.
Stacy: Well, I have said that I am a narcissist. And I can not really change my behavior even though I am very willing to do it, but I … that will be my basic nature, and if it is true that he has … Dani has a borderline personality disorder that is then a lifetime matter. It is many years of therapy and like, self-seeking … I don’t know what. But from my perspective I understand that he can not break his abusive patterns just like that.
Milla: I’m not expecting it to be like that either. I’m expecting some kind of community where people actually care about these issues and do not blame the women who are ending up in emotional and psychological, and whatever kind of hellish mindsets and … to just like “That’s your personal problem, you deal with it alone” and “Let’s make a lot of apologies for this poor man who doesn’t have any kind of control over her behavior”. I don’t think that that’s the right way to deal with issues, I think it’s really important to hear the person who is talking about the hurt. And then try to think about “Okay, how do we fix this as a community?” And you’re not taking community responsibility now, you’re just acting out of your own beliefs and as an individual and then you’re trying to kind of impose your ideas. But this is how the scene is working in general. There are no structures for how to deal with intimate violence. And it’s always seen as a “not a scene issue” but as persons’ like private matter, and that’s what I think is wrong. Because I don’t think it’s cool that there can be, you know, spaces like this for instance … also like you said, that there are persons here who are involved with the exclusion that I faced in the social center, and yes, it is not comforting for me to be in a space that is supposed to be political and at the same time I feel that, if I would address this issue here, then once again I would be put out there as a problematic person disturbing the important agenda that we have here.