by Milla [she=he]
I still have fears. Of not being able to speak openly. I guess I’m walking straight towards that goal for some reason. Maybe cause it feels normal. To be like a ‘stupid’ child, with no secrets, and no rules. Just speak and await the shocked reactions or condescending laughs by the ones housebroken by Civilized Culture. I know just how to say the wrong things. Many persons feel hurt by what I say, what I don’t keep to myself.
Like for instance this: Aleksi Lilleberg is the one who started the conflict with my official exclusion from the social center in Helsinki. As the admin of a mailing list related to the social center, she took no notice of the sexist bullying going on. I’ve heard by others that she herself got bullied in school, but I find it hard to believe since she couldn’t relate to what I was going through with constant harsh words. She denied the sexism going on. And pronounced herself ‘dictator’ over the list. Could be that she would use a word like that to express the frustration she had over having all that power/responsibility all by herself, with no community there to guide and support. Maybe she doesn’t work well under stress. Maybe being bullied before gets her affected by a hateful atmosphere, caving in to the peer pressure of the ones speaking violent words. Maybe – maybe – maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know her reasons. I only know how I felt when she said that there was no sexism on the list (I had been told that I was hated because I’m a feminist, and because I speak, and that I should shut up and get laid). She said this wasn’t sexism, but just a bit of bad behavior. At the same time she writes private emails to me asking me if I want to get off the list. And when I say no, and ask her why she said there was no sexism on the list, then she signs me off anyway. Says I have a lack of proportions and mental problems.
And with her signing me off, that was the start of the official exclusion from that place. That was the start of people “knowing” who I am and how I am. People who I don’t know who easily tell strangers that ask about me: “She’s Crazy!”
It’s hard being in the position of living with these feelings years later on. Cause it does take years to get over something as severe as what is happening inside social center Satama.
I’ve made a choice to be in solidarity with my own sanity. There are people hurt by that. People who don’t want their story told on this blog. I guess no one is really interested in having the story about Aleksi burning the juggling balls of a lover, and then grabbing her fingers and bending her arm back until she was in pain. No one but me is interested in having that story, that pain, told in the open. There were more people around witnessing this. There were people witnessing and maybe even recognizing that this was wrong. But no one did anything. The person Aleksi was bullying requested for help, and got a cold shoulder in return.
People remember this happening. Maybe some remember Aleksi saying that hating feminists and wanting them to shut up and get laid has nothing to do with sexism. Maybe some remember being at a meeting where bans in general were to be discussed, and Aleksi aggressively standing up, saying that I’m not allowed to be in the same space. “She or I”.
Aleksi never made any effort to sort out what she did. She gave whatever random excuses, and people were there to support her upset feelings. While I was stuck with years of isolation and struggle. I know where I’m heading. If there’s a crossroads between “Speak” and “Don’t speak” I’m walking straight towards the shocked reactions and condescending laughs. No more silence for me.
Aleksi bullied me.
Anybody in contact with Aleksi, I recommend reading: