Once More, With Feeling (exercise in self-empathy)

by Milla — she=he

This is the second part of a self-empathy exercise. To read the first part: Click here. I recommend reading the comments as well.

I’m very grateful for the work that Hilde and ‘Fremath’ are putting into this exercise. It’s reassuring to get feedback and support in learning the basic nvc process (stating: Observations; locating Feelings; understanding Needs; formulating: Requests).

But no Observations, Needs or Requests for now. Back to the heavily judgmental Jackal Show. Once more, with feelings 🙂

3. List the Feelings: Go back over what you’ve written. What are the feelings behind all this? Make a list. List all of the feelings but don’t use the jackal words that imply blame such as; bullied, ignored, cheated, betrayed, abandoned, victimized… Use only honest descriptive feeling words that describe what is going on in your body now such as; sad, frightened, angry, worried, confused, anxious, resentful, overwhelmed, bitter, jealous, etc… Use the Feelings List and pick out all the words that describe the way you really feel.”

.

.

I hate that stuck up ignorant asshole, A. Judge – I mean the name says it all – the guidelines for the forum is a mess and the people on it are sheep.

Feelings: Frustrated – Angry – Appalled – Despair – Afraid – Lonely.

There’s no fairness or justice.

Feelings: Weary – Scared – Tired.

One ignorant dictator saying one thing as the truth not having to prove anything.

Feelings: Hostile – Apprehensive – Horrified.

The people on the list are unaware of their judgmental attitude.

Feelings:Pessimistic – Worried – Lonely – Shame.

And that there is judgmental guilt tripping going on.

Feelings: Uneasy – Shame – Nervous – Tired – Troubled.

And that it’s said over and over again “Are you aware that the guy is losing money” as if I’m some “case” “benefiting” and “ungrateful” not “valuing” this self-righteous Dick head enough.

Feelings: Envious – Resentful – Suspicious – Upset – Worn Out – Enraged – Shame – Bad.

As if I would have anything to learn from that Stupid, lying, manipulative Male Chauvinist.

Feelings: Alarmed – Afraid – Resentful – Bored – Envious – Dislike – Disgust.

Liar! Liar!

Feelings: Enraged – Despair.

Completely ignoring me and then trying to force intimacy as if I’m breaking some “RULE” by not feeling okay, having to FIGHT to be heard in order to get my needs met.

Feelings: Envious – Miserable – Sour – Infuriated – Worn Out.

Scared little shit!

Feelings: Afraid – Impatient.

I have a need for LEARNING and I can’t do that without reciprocity.

Feelings: Distressed.

The guy is INSANE and I’m asked to deal with it as if it’s “normal” as if I have no pain as if my pain is not real as if it’s a burden.

Feelings:Enraged – Envious – Impatient – Embittered – Revolted – Mad – Reluctant.

I’m tired of having to be a “grown-up”. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

Feelings: Reluctant – Worn Out – Infuriated – Resentful – Envious.

Cause they are not going to change. They will not make the effort.

Feelings: Worn Out – Helpless – Hopeless – Unhappy – Skeptical – Pessimistic – Lonely – Frustrated.

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To read the next part of this exercise: Click here.

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It’s All Love (The Jackal Show)

by Milla — she=he

I’m doing some work on myself as usual. Reading up on racism. Learning NVC-nonviolent communication. I posted a self-empathy exercise that I was doing with a friend. We didn’t work through the whole thing though. So I decided to put my “Jackal Show” on this blog, and see if I can find someone who would be willing to work on it with me, here.

As a first step I’m posting the first part of the self-empathy exercise – The Jackal Show – the way it looks like unprocessed and raw 🙂

2. The Jackal Show: Just start writing. Don’t watch your words or try to “be nice”. Just
let it flow. This is called the Jackal Show. You can write all about what ‘they’ have
done to you, what they have created, what they’ve destroyed. You can express all your
pain and anguish, your fears and outrage, your judgments, thoughts, analysis of the
situation and whatever else comes to mind. Do this until you have nothing left to say.”

After ending up in conflict on an NVC practicing list, this is what went on in me:

.

I hate that stuck up ignorant asshole, A. Judge – I mean the name says it all – the guidelines for the forum is a mess and the people on it are sheep. There’s no fairness or justice. One ignorant dictator saying one thing as the truth not having to prove anything.

The people on the list are unaware of their judgmental attitude. And that there is judgmental guilt tripping going on. And that it’s said over and over again “Are you aware that the guy is losing money” as if I’m some “case” “benefiting” and “ungrateful” not “valuing” this self-righteous Dick head enough.

As if I would have anything to learn from that Stupid, lying, manipulative Male Chauvinist.

Liar! Liar!

Completely ignoring me and then trying to force intimacy as if I’m breaking some “RULE” by not feeling okay, having to FIGHT to be heard in order to get my needs met.

Scared little shit!

I have a need for LEARNING and I can’t do that without reciprocity.

The guy is INSANE and I’m asked to deal with it as if it’s “normal” as if I have no pain as if my pain is not real as if it’s a burden.

I’m tired of having to be a “grown-up”. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

Cause they are not going to change. They will not make the effort.

..

Click this to continue: Once More, With Feeling

NVC – Self Empathy Exercise

by Milla — she=he

For all the fans of this blog, reading and having a problem with taking in the message (meaning: reading the blog feels like taking poison..) Today's special, just for you: A Detoxifying Self Empathy Exercise 🙂

I met with a friend today. We talked for hours. Sat on the rocky windy slopes by the sea until sunset, working on a self-empathy exercise i found on the internet. I got one step further today with how to practice NVC – Nonviolent communication. I noticed there’s less pain in empathizing with a painful blaming message (or: detoxifying the message with empathic understanding) than to defend myself against it. Big change. And I keep on learning 🙂

Here’s the empathy exercise:

SELF EMPATHY — Detoxify your life 🙂

Transforming the Pain of Unmet Needs

Transforming our relationships often involves transforming ourselves at the same time. When 2 (or more) people are in pain because their needs aren’t being met it may seems like a stale mate; no one has enough empathy to get the ball rolling. In this situation self empathy is a tool to begin with. This practice can be done as many times as needed to soften the hard defenses and open the heart. It may take a minute, a day or two, sometimes more. You may chose to make it a daily practice which would be optimal.

1. Take Time & Space: When you are in pain take some time, create a space alone and undisturbed where you can write (or type) freely.

2. The Jackal Show: Just start writing. Don’t watch your words or try to “be nice”. Just
let it flow. This is called the Jackal Show. You can write all about what ‘they’ have
done to you, what they have created, what they’ve destroyed. You can express all your
pain and anguish, your fears and outrage, your judgments, thoughts, analysis of the
situation and whatever else comes to mind. Do this until you have nothing left to say.

3. List the Feelings: Go back over what you’ve written. What are the feelings behind all this? Make a list. List all of the feelings but don’t use the jackal words that imply blame such as; bullied, ignored, cheated, betrayed, abandoned, victimized… Use only honest descriptive feeling words that describe what is going on in your body now such as; sad, frightened, angry, worried, confused, anxious, resentful, overwhelmed, bitter, jealous, etc… Use the Feelings List and pick out all the words that describe the way you really feel.

4. List the Needs: Next, create another list for all the unmet needs behind all these
feelings such as; respect, appreciation, intimacy, recognition, cooperation, support…
Use the Needs List to pick out all the needs you have that are not being met.

5. Mourning: Allow yourself to mourn the fact that these needs are not presently being
met. Be with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel the pain of not having these
needs met. It is painful. If you still feel the anger and resentment go back to writing
more of the Jackal Show. Often once we have completed the first step a shift will take
place and suddenly we are may not be so angry but now we are feeling disheartened,
sad, hopeless… List the new feelings. List the needs behind those feelings. And allow
yourself to mourn your loss again.

6. Empathy: When you feel complete with the above exercises allow yourself to sit back. The word “Empathy” implies an empty presence – an awareness of what is alive in you. Bring your awareness into your body. Every thought and emotion we have is
manifesting in the body somewhere. Scan your body with all your senses gently and
locate the places where you’re holding your pain. Don’t try to change anything. Just be
empathic. Is your brow furrowed? Your shoulders tight? Your throat constricted? Your
abdomen tight? Is your breathing shallow? When you find a place that is holding your
pain just be present with it. If your shoulders suddenly relax, let them go. If your face
muscles soften let it be. If your abdomen softens, breathe. If not that’s ok too.

The Jackal

The Jackal, The Giraffe, The Message

The NVC Process in 4 Basic Steps

nvc – nonviolent communication

by Milla — she=he

Today’s songsFR David, Words
& Suzanne Vega, Last Year’s Troubles

.

In my everyday life I engage in shitty communication with other human beings:

it’s as if i’m trapped in a game where i have no way of knowing the rules, and the judgments fall down on me as a steady rain.

it’s as if i’m asking questions to the rain: “Why? What can I do? Could you tell me?” But the rain just keeps falling. mixing with my tears.”

.. as I wrote in a letter to a person calling me aggressive and pushy and saying that they don’t want to talk with me.

So, my plan this year -my only plan for this year- is to grasp the basics of nvc in practice.

Milla: Blogger and Violent Communicator.

1) What is your name?

Milla Ahola

2) Where do you live?

Helsinki, Finland

3) Are you active in the social change arena? In what way? How has NVC
been helpful to you in your social change work?

I’m a radical feminist. Anarchist. Activist. Blogger. I’ve done basic
workshops on Feminist Self Defense, Methods of Domination, Theater of
the Oppressed, Consensus .. and such. I’m not very organized. What I
do is fairly random.

Most of the time I’m in conflict with people. Which mostly makes me
feel isolated, disconnected and depressed. I guess this is how NVC
entered my life. I need some such method to be able to cope with this
‘conflict-seeking’ lifestyle of mine. I like the theory, and I haven’t
yet gotten a grip of the practice. I still blame/pass judgment and
feel blamed in interaction with others. (So I’m still very much in
pain :p )

I’ve made the decision to learn nvc -at least some- this year. So far
it has helped me in the way, that it gives me hope — and it’s enabled
me to see where I can work on myself and improve in ways I would find
useful and healing.

—-
Pieces of my non-nvc life online >>

Blog: https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/another_scene

Couchsurfing: http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=6U54TC0

Feminist Self Defense: http://www.myspace.com/feminist_sister


4) How did you hear about this list?

5) What is your experience with NVC?

I’ve read M. Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication“, plus some
other texts, I just started reading a book on mediation. I’ve watched
videos on youtube dealing with the basic skills (how to express
observations, feelings, needs, requests).

There is a group practicing nvc in Helsinki, and I’ve just joined, but
there won’t be many meetings over the summer, and I’m eager to learn
in interaction with others, so that’s why I’ve started looking for
online communities. I hope to learn more by joining this group.


6) How can this group contribute to your life?

I hope to see and learn how nvc works in practice. As well as learn
from other sensibilities the members of this group have (since it’s a
forum for social change :.)

7) What topics would you want us to address?

Anything in general. Conflicts, and how to deal with them, in particular.

8.) Would you be willing to have your responses posted to the group as
an introduction?

Yes.

.

..

.

Last year’s troubles they shine up so prettily
They gleam with a luster they don’t have today
Cause here it’s just dirty and violent and troubling etc.

But trouble is still trouble and evil still evil
Sometimes we wonder; is there more now, or less?
If we had a tool or could tally the handfuls
Measure for measure it’s the same would be my guess

Suzanne Vega – Last Year’s Troubles