by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Berlin) [she=he]
I want to stop spending days crying about this shit.
I want help to have this shit stopped.
These are my thoughts and feelings on Daniel’s manipulative male chauvinist response to a negative reference I made on CouchSurfing.
from my cs profile: “SOME WORDS ADDED IN DEFENSE, IN RELATION TO A NEGATIVE REFERENCE I GOT: Daniel Vazsonyi, a male chauvinist – in other words: a Sexist Guy – says that I’m a bad drinker. This is TRUE – only that now I’m a sober alcoholic! I don’t drink alcohol anymore. This man also claims that I’m “hardcore borderline” which I’m guessing is the sexist way of saying: “She doesn’t respond well to male chauvinist behavior.” :p — I hope one day Daniel will get over her callousness and ignorance — meaning: I hope she will Stop. THINK. Look over her negative behaviors and Start dealing with her sexism instead of just ignoring the problem or, “looking to move on” – as she calls it.”
BELOW AN EXCERPT from a chat I had with Daniel in June 2009. I am talking about how I’ve felt about her behaviors, and we’re talking about an important text — Everyday Male Chauvinism* — describing the damages and effects of these same behaviors in intimate relations. [* oops. noticed that the text i’m talking about was this — Poly People I Can Do Without — which is also valid in Daniel’s case.]
Daniel is polyamorous and likes to engage with many women at the same time without taking responsibility for the relation. In other words – The guy has a tendency to promise the moon and the sky while leaving us “high and dry“. In the chat I am asking Daniel to tell her new love interest – “Kelly” – of the guy’s harmful ways in intimate relations:
me: i’ve had quite a lot of emotional agony because of the games thing.
Dániel: i hope this does not mean that i have to take responsibility for your emotions
me: depends on how you mean it.
i’ve been a horrible drunk with you.
and i take responsibility
for whatever you felt about that.
not just saying: well, you could have stayed the hell away when i was drinking
like that kind of thing
same thing with your borderline thing
that you acknowledge that you have it.
and then i have this sure hunch that you’re not going to warn Kelly about it.
Dániel: i dont think its a sane thing to do to search for responsibility when we just simply cant talk
warn Kelly about what?
why dont you warn her then?
me: should i?
i dont really know what you are talking about
the borderline personality thing?
she knows… thats how we “got together”
me: like playing with peoples feelings. the whole poly thing
Dániel: she herself is on medication
and we could start a discussion on that
Dániel: yea i will
so i should tell Kelly that i play with ppls feelings
dont take me seriously
me: yes. that for instance i had a negative experience with you.
and that i find that a lot of your behavior fits into this
Dániel: i understand that…
WHAT HAPPENED after is a total night-mare of male supremacy and non-accountability on Daniel’s behalf. Lies, deceit. The “yea i will” as a response to reading through the text and have a discussion on it was not the beginning of the lies and deceit [male chauvinist behaviors], as Daniel claims in her reference on Couch Surfing, it was there from the beginning. So Daniel pushing away from healthy change and “moving on” unchanged with a massive display of sexist behaviors and exposing more women to this, was already there when we met in late autumn 2008. It’s not only the last six months that the guy has been moving away from responsibility and positive change.
In a chat that I had with Kelly a month later on, it is clear that Daniel is lying to her about other relations as well as playing dumb on the issues I have, apparently “not understanding” what I’m upset about, even though I’ve stated it clearly. Daniel’s negative behaviors are very well described both here Everyday Male Chauvinism
as well as here Poly People I Can Do Without
MORE COMMENTS ON DANIEL’S NEGATIVE REFERENCE:
“She is hardcore borderline”
I find this statement really nasty because:
1. I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness. And I wouldn’t label myself with any specific single thing. if anything, than maybe: Depression.
2. I have no clue what “borderline” means.
3. Daniel is using this label in a negative way, and is in this way showing that she’s not really sensitive to persons who feel they fit into this category, and in this I’m including Kelly, who — according to Daniel — is on medication, because of this mental condition. (would Daniel write a similar reference to her?)
4. Daniel labeled herself as “borderline” maybe six months after I got to know her. And I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean either. And I’m pissed off that the guy didn’t say anything about it sooner. If she has a mental condition I figure she should inform people she’s getting intimate with about it !!
5. Putting a psychiatric label on me as a response to me giving others a fair warning on the Everyday Male Chauvinism that Daniel displays, is a serious sign that she doesn’t own her behavior or recognize the effects her behavior has on her surroundings. When she harms people around her, there’s emotional and psychological damage done. When she labels me “borderline” — at least to me — this clearly shows that she doesn’t make the link between action (her sexism) and consequence (me freaking out). In other words: She has learnt Nothing.
“I caused her harm and she’s not a person who will forget or forgive”
“she can never let go… her worst enemy is herself”
When I’ve talked with others about Daniel’s view on what happened between us, it seems like she likes to give the impression that the problem between us is that Daniel rejected me as a lover and intimate partner, and that my issue with her is that I can’t get over this.
I’m seriously disgusted that the fact that I’m in love, and vulnerable in relation to her, would be used against me, when that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH the fact that Daniel’s sexist behaviors is something that shouldn’t be “forgotten and forgiven” but something that should be possible to discuss openly, and that Daniel is the one who needs to CHANGE — NOT that I should develop amnesia in order not to be labeled as “my own worst enemy”.
I’m disgusted that Daniel is using the societal accepted excuse that: Sure it’s okay that the guy just doesn’t care about dealing with and changing shitty behaviors cause the guy isn’t in love anymore, which means that the woman has lost her status as an OBJECT of “desire” and can be put on the CONSUMED garbage pile. An unwanted, un-sexy, un-fuckable woman’s feelings have no value in this society. In the case of being intimately involved with a man it’s: Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I’m relating to Daniel in an intimate fashion, the guy is seen as my owner, and anything happening in the private sphere is this guy’s private business. If I’m rejected by the guy I’m seen as a vindictive hag out to harm the man. THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THIS GUY WANTS TO RELATE TO ME OR NOT. “LOVES” ME OR NOT. WANTS TO FUCK ME OR NOT. THIS IS AN ISSUE ABOUT A GUY WHO LIES TO, AND USES AND ABUSES WOMEN and takes no responsibility for it.
This is about a guy who doesn’t want to change her sexist behaviors.
“Im gonna avoid lengthy kitchen psychology so shortly about the conflict:
we cannot even be in the same physical space let alone work out the issues.”
Yes. Very shortly about the conflict: I can not get anybody to help me in confronting the guy. Daniel and I have set time and place for meetings that Daniel then didn’t bother to make happen. Or: That Daniel managed to arrange to be in ways so that I couldn’t confront her properly. We CAN be in the same physical space, but ONLY according to how Daniel wants it (meaning: I don’t get the support I need, and don’t get to discuss the topics I want).
This is not an issue about “we” and “us” not working out the issues. This is about Daniel putting her head in the sand or speaking badly about me behind my back. This is a guy who speaks one thing behind my back and another to my face. This is about a guy who LIES to stay in control.
Shortly about the conflict: This is a guy who doesn’t give a shit about the people she harms, and who refuses to be accountable.
“So please DO NOT try to reheat the debates. Im looking to move on (have
been trying for a half a year now) and if you feel insecure about me just
decline my request thx for understanding”
If Daniel really truly is “looking to move on”, then one good way of doing that would be to give me closure and SAFETY. Arrange a meeting set up in a way that I would feel comfortable with, and then have clearly stated boundaries set up. If this guy is really truly wanting to put this shit behind (forgive and forget? is she capable of that?) then I figure it wouldn’t be such a difficult thing to make happen.
If this sexist man really truly wants nothing to do with me: I will be happy to oblige.
It’s simple: Make the arrangements that I would feel SAFE with, set the date for a meeting to get the boundaries worked out and off we go! No more need for the guy to make fake rape charges and lie to people I know. No more need for the guy to fuck up my life: We Both Leave The Other Alone. Daniel: You go to one corner, and I occupy the other. You take your freedom to ignore and damage somewhere where I don’t have to see or take part in it.
Not wanting to “Reheat the debates”. Debates.. What a joke. You have no idea what an equal talk feels like or what equality is about.
I’m sending a link to this blog post as a private message to this guy over couch surfing. I doubt that it’s needed though, cause even though the guy doesn’t listen to or care about what I have to say, the guy still reads this blog! Go figure!?
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