my triggers

by milla — she=he

kooks crazy

i’m talking with daniel again.

what i would like to hear right now:

i care about your needs. i don’t see them as a threat to mine. i will express my feelings and needs clearly. if you make a request i will not ignore it or answer it from my own reality deep inside with no map to get on the right path to understand what i mean. i will not leave you stranded by the road signs pointing in 56 directions, i will patiently guide you to what it is that i’m wanting to show with my words, i will not confuse you or leave you guessing to later vent my frustration when you don’t meet my expectations. i will make an effort to connect with you. right now i hear that you are really needing safety and that you’ve made a clear request for how to meet that need.

now i will tell you why answering that request doesn’t meet my need for… ???” [what?]

i meditated today. and burst into tears. i’m in the same hell again. i speak and speak and speak and my words have no meaning. i really want to go through the process of talking about the emc examples with daniel, time and space to speak about really vulnerable aching parts of myself, but it seems as if it’s impossible to get even the simplest things through.

i want a common method and a time line for the talk. something that would make sense for both of us, and daniel is not answering direct questions. i say i want to have a chat to decide time line and method together. and the guy is just saying that “i don’t have time“. “i won’t hinder, but won’t help either“.

daniel doesn’t have time to decide when to have a chat? daniel doesn’t want to hinder a talk on everyday male chauvinism but wouldn’t help it make happen either?

this is so seriously fucked up. again.



the talk i’m talking about can be seen in the comment section of these blogposts:

“Two persons talking”

Two persons talking emc: 1.1 Intimidation


20 Responses

  1. shit. i’m just crying and crying.

  2. i don’t want to cry. i’m sick of crying. but i don’t know what to do.

  3. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i need to remember feeling like this in the future. it’s a place i don’t want to go.

    i was mentioned on a finnish forum. some sexist jerk had a nasty response and the rest was just as ignorant. i had a talk with two persons on the forum saying things sort of meaning: “someone has to sacrifice themselves”. i already had that process with satama. fuck. three years of my life. i made those choices. they weren’t very healing for me. but i learnt a lot. i learnt a lot with daniel as well. about myself. and places i just don’t want ot revisit again. “believing” when everything and everyone is just showing: I Don’t Fucking Care.

    I’m human.I don’t deserve this crap. And vera and peter and gabor and gabor and feri. and all of that. i’m huiman.

    a human that is crying salty stingy tears. and snot coming out of my nose. and nobody fucking cares.

  4. i want to learn to be completely alone.

  5. coffee. and reading the stuff that i’ve told myself i will read today. back to my life. and the things that make sense and have meaning.

    disconnecting talk is my worst trigger. i don’t understand people and everybody just expects to be understood immidiately and that i’m not supposed to feel anything or need anything in the process. i want to do things to make others feel okay and safe and accepted but i don’t know how to do that without giving up myself.

  6. i’ve met a lot of people. sometimes i think too many. images go through my mind. all the places and names and faces i’ve forgotten many times over. all the time reaching out searching and starting to get inwards hiding. there are no places to go. i’m really in pain over communication with other people. i can not fit in or understand. i really want to learn how to be happy on my own. knowing that at least when i’m by myself no-one can hurt me. ronja’s suicide really made me think that i don’t want to waste my time feeling that utter pain in disconnection with others. or just learning to be numb (crying, crying) coping with numbness. i sat at the social center some days before the ban ended. people looking. some nodding. three years is a lot. one year of trying to get into a house meeting to ask what was going on, and then the 2 year ban. and people just move on as if it’s normal. some of the ‘older’ people there, i could so those 3 years on their faces. twitchy, inward-looking people. i sat next to markus who had violently tried to drag me out from there when i was there with stacy after daniel had said she didn’t want to be seen with me there. now markus didn’t look. just talked loudly in a monologue to the ‘friend’ about world politics. i closed my eyes, i sat cross-legged and meditated for an hour. the fear in me subsided. taking in the sounds, feeling my body. when i left there was sticky white tape tangled up in my scarf, i took it off and it said something like “freedom to all political prisoners”. i don’t know if it was a ‘message’ or i just had happened to sit on it by accident. so much time just thinking what the hell i should do. when i was there i was thinking that i didn’t go to the evening when people would remember ronja, that was arranged there. for fear of people telling me that i didn’t belong there and that i was ‘spoiling’ their grief with my ‘disgusting’ presence, and that i should know that. i’m so tired of fighting. it’s so sick of daniel to talk about some people as my ‘enemies’ like who hajni maxigas who? who is my enemy and why?

  7. understanding the underlying reasons for why ronja would kill herself. like. these three years. ending with a suicide. enough is enough. i’m not even allowed ot grieve like ‘normal’ persons.

    who is my enemy? why? why the hell would daniel talk about them as my enemies? is daniel my enemy?

    who deserves to be punished? who deserves to be pushed out? who? why?

  8. crying crying. coffee is ready. yey.

  9. i’ve located the problem to be C O L L U S I O N.

  10. combined with traumatic fear and ignorance of ‘power’.

    it’s like with healing and the placebo effect, not worth checking how this self-healing works. better believe in drugs fixing whatever is wrong. same with community. not worth checking what love is or how to make it happen. either it’s there or it’s not, who needs love when there is a ‘house’. an empty shell to put people inside and call it community. no need to figure the love part out. invisible things are not important. they don’t exist.

    stupid people walking around not understanding what is going on how an atmosphere is created or even that we feel different in different situations depending on many differeing factors but also that these factors are connected in webs of common stories. somewhere there, when following these threads, there are the crossing points, the possibilities for understanding. i don’t know how to walk these lines. how to take someone by the hand and show. or how to carefully step over the threads of someones personal web, instead of tripping over it, causing discomforting vibrations in the ‘invisible’ reality attached to the physical being who wants to focus on ‘more important things’.

  11. dry eyes.

  12. so what about the 4th of february? 12:00 is still good if its ok with you…
    i suggest using some temporary chat program as i dont want to be friends with you on any social networking sites or gmail or skype

  13. i’m okay with the time and date (feb 4, 12.00 hungarian time, 13.00 finnish time).

    would you be okay suggesting a chat program you would be okay with using?

    or anything… just let it be simple

  15. i experience a lot of stress and confusion when it comes to internet communication. the site you suggested is in hungarian. would you be willing to suggest a chat program in english?

  16. or may i suggest this one:
    is this okay with you?

    i’m not familiar with using irc. i have only done it a few times. i think we need to call the space where we meet something. would you be okay with coming up with a name of the place where we meet?

  17. adding: about you sending me a link to a site in hungarian. i wouldn’t have chosen a site in a language i know you don’t speak.

    it was strange for me that you chose a site in hungarian. i felt a bit sad and was longing for ease when i clicked the link and saw what language it was in.

  18. concrete suggestion, to keep it simple:

    day: friday feb 4th
    time: 12.00 [noon] hungarian time
    we’ll meet here:

    at a chat chanel called: #another_me

    are you okay with that daniel?

  19. yes sure its fine… i dont care about a name

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