by Milla — she–he
This is a continuation of an sms conversation that i started posting at the end of this blog post: Click here. This part of the conversation took place 12.11.2010 morning until evening.
Your reality is yours you define it for me its too heavy to endure and for a long time i thought whatever i say or do cant fix things. Is there something i can do for u now?
Could you tell me what – or if, something – is different now? How do you feel having this conversation?
Im somewhat at peace with everything. Its ok for me how do you feel?
Frustrated. Wanting too much.
Why are you at peace with everything? How do you overcome pain and fears? I don’t understand.
My greatest ones i faced and closed down by systematic meditation and series of crying. Letting go both spiritually and physically
I would like to talk with you at some point. I would also like help with getting to speak with the men’s group in budapest. Are you still in contact with them? Are you okay with these requests? Is there something you would like for me to clarify, or something you could ask for yourself, something i can do for you?
Yes we can talk but im not mediating for you sorry. Otherwise yes im still in the group. What does the first drunken message mean? Why did you write it?
This conversation is on my blog. Could we continue talking there? Tomorrow?
Yes but im in the south of Spain without net. Soonest posible next semana
What are you doing there , in spain? And next week is fine by me. I can make a blog post called “two persons talking” and we use the comment space to speak with one another. Ok?
Been to a Rainbow gathering in Portugal and now im going to visit friends in Granada with a caravan of anarchists picking fruit and such
It means: ‘what could have been’ and i wrote it cause i was drunk (unconscious) and sad about love not being possible to exist just for the sake of existing, without power games and fears, or with that but with the strength and safety of the simplicity of ‘to love and be loved’. It’s a need i have. I would like to ask it from you, but i know it isn’t there for you – as you say, you feel distance. And we have different perceptions of reality. Was this a clear answer to your question?
How was it for you to read that response?
Sad, safe and it made me think what does it mean love and be loved. Like a couple?
Like two persons sharing love – like poly (not the type of ‘poly’ i had with you – denying relations and avoiding talk and accountability, but a poly where ppl care and there’s awareness and consent. Commitment. Clarity) why do you feel safe and sad reading that message? And why do you ask if i mean ‘couple’? (strange. What does couple mean to you?)
Feel sad that you lack love and safe that i feel there is some understanding between us. Couple means exclusivity for me and i thought about it cause the first swedish message sounded a bit cheesy
Could u define cheesy and how that goes along with couple-dom? Who did you think you were talking with at first? Some swedish person with a finnish number? Or was it only after it was ‘Milla’ that it got ‘cheesy’?
First when i understood the text my spam mode turned on and i thought of cheesy love songs then i started thinking who it could be and you werent the first suspect
So it’s like when you were singing cheesy love songs to me / in my presence sharing bed space, touching. And you asking why you couldn’t be my boyfriend? To you ‘love’ is doing this? Playing couple?
No what you described is fooling around in bed
So how is cheesy related to couple, and why would you think i would mean couple?
Just guessing nothing specific and the relation is that human relations ruled by forced monogamy produce a culture like this
You see me as monogamous even though i say im poly?
It’s strange. I’ve been writing down this conversation in a word document. And i just read through it. When i asked if there was something i could do for you you asked what i meant with and why i wrote my drunken msg. It reminds me of previous conversations i’ve had with you where you want to hear me say i love you. It’s strange for me that you ask it from others but not wanting to say it yourself. I could have gotten by with some ‘i love u’s from u. I hope youre feeling better nowadays.
No i dont i was saying it in general. This culture affects most ppl on this planet but of course its no determining factor
I asked what i asked cause i wanted things clear. I didnt want anything else and i dont enjoy hearing i love you from you
I have difficulties understanding u. So what u mean is that u used the word ‘couple’ meaning the same thing as ‘intimate’ when checking what kind of love-sharing i was talking about. Correct? And to try to make u feel heard and safe: i hear that u dont enjoy romantic fantasies involving my person. Cool? Clear?
Just trying to explain more, with the risk of causing more confusion. The ‘like a couple?’ comment felt as out of context as a ‘like a virgin?’ 😀 comment would have been. Like not a ‘serious’ question, just ‘bizarre’. Hope todays talk hasnt been too triggering 4 u. Good night.