Hilde/Milla exchange

posted by Milla — she=he, written by Hilde

Click here to read the previous writing in this exchange.

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Subject: Further clarification

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Hi Milla,

Milla wrote:
All i hear when you mention fun and effectiveness is that you’ve spent
time in relation to me and that that apparently wasn’t fun for you.

Hilde: Yes.

Milla: And i’m guessing when you say that, that there is not enough
trust for you, that i would actually care for you in this connection.

Hilde: No.

Milla: At least that’s how i hear what you say, and hearing it this way
saddens me, cause i would really like to know what is safe and
comfortable for you.

Hilde:
I am guessing that when you think that I don’t trust you, this leaves
you feeling ‘triggered’? Maybe your thinking is making you hear me say
that you did something wrong?

I notice that in my conversations with you these last few weeks, I have
at times turned to you with questions about what you wrote. Those
questions were aimed at calming my feelings, which were the result of
my own thinking, not your speaking/writing.
My judgements, thoughts and beliefs are not in your control, neither
are your judgements, thoughts and beliefs in my control. As far I
understand, those judgements, thoughts and beliefs are deeply engrained
and they constantly color our perceptions. In fact this is not all bad,
this process provides some ease too.

I would like to reveal a part of my internal inquiry to illustrate
what I mean.

Let’s say that I have picked up the belief that “it is good to be a NICE
person”, nice being equal to cooperative, willing etc… There are
certainly times when being cooperative and willing is life serving in a
group and generally it is appreciated by other people. Being nice
enhances acceptance and with it I may get the sense of security that
comes with belonging to a group. Being nice reassures me that people
will hopefully like me and it reduces my fear of feeling small,
vulnerable, lonely.

But imagine, I respond from this belief automatically and this puts
other needs at risk such as ?? sleep, choice, closeness with certain
people etc  ……..then this belief is no longer life serving for
me. Now imagine that I want to find more balance and harmony and that I
want more choice about whether to “be nice” or “genuine”. I consider
strategies that make it easier to respond from choice rather than from
auto-pilot. I can’t just tell this “nice me”  to move out, at best I
can ask it to move aside so I can listen to other parts of me.

I practice expressing my needs in writing rather than in person to
person communication because this offers me more time to examine my
triggers, explore my judgements, thoughts and beliefs. But even there
the “I have to be nice part” takes over sometimes with thoughts such as
“I have to reply within a day or two”, or “I have to reply to all
questions” etc… New judgements, more explorations, more need
discoveries. This then leads me to ask you for time to respond etc…

So I hope that you see Milla, you never asked me to reply within 2
days, that was a thought in my head. And you never demanded that I
answer all questions, so if I would feel triggered about that, that too
would be caused by my thinking.

When I started the conversation with you, my purpose was to share the
Inner Empathy link, because I thought it might be helpful for you to
learn how to examine your triggers. I wasn’t so confident that I could
handle my own. As I go, I notice that it is becoming ever more doable
and interesting.

Milla:
And at the same time when i say that, i would like
to know if you are interested in hearing what is safe and comfortable
for me as well.
I value reciprocity. Mutual consideration is something
i do not know how to ask for, and yet wish for to take root and grow
into any conversation/interaction.

Hilde:
I am certainly interested in hearing what is safe for you.

I am guessing that one of the reasons you express a strong preference
for a skype or text conversation is that observing my body
languague/tone of voice would give you information that might help to
ease your discomfort when you feel triggered? I am guessing
that if you hear me say something that triggers an “oh, oh, did I say
something-wrong-thought”, but you notice that my voice is relaxed and
not judgemental, then that would help to calm your anxiety?

I am still not sufficiently confident that my “nice part” won’t be
taking over unless I take sufficient time, more than I think would be
reasonable when making a skype call or texting messages.

I really don’t want to do texting, it is worse than phone calls
because I am not a native English speaker and I’ll be so nervous not
having the time to reread and check what I have written.
Other reasons why I don’t like skype are that my pc is not in my living
area and I would have to make an appointment for a conversation. My days
are so full of those, I don’t want to add to the list. Email is so free
and easy.

Milla:
Clarification: Again, the phrase you choose does not stick with me, I
would say that the phrase ‘needs hunting’ has no attraction value for
me, it is not a thing i fancy (at least not now, when i have no clue
what it means to you)

Hilde: What name would you prefer for the internal inquiry process that
I described earlier?

Milla:  i would rather say that I’m fairly tired of
staying in something that i experience as a limbo of focus on
feelings-needs, when i would experience great joy and freedom [And:
Meaning!] getting the same attention to Observations-Request, ie
putting the feelings and needs in a context: I want to know how
to make things better! 🙂

Hilde:
I agree with you, maybe it would be better if we chose to try and meet
our needs elsewhere, f.ex. with people who share our preferences with
regard to space in communication?

Milla, I tried to be as clear as possible about my feelings, needs,
judgements, thoughts and beliefs. This was quite a lot of work for me,
but I enjoyed it because I felt I had the time to do so after you made
it clear that you were willing to wait for my reply.

At this point I am feeling clear, the only request I can think of, is
whether you have the clarity you want or if there is anything else I
can do for you?

Hilde.

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