Hilde / Milla exchange continues

by Milla — she=he

Song: Jeffrey Osborne – On the wings of love

Click here to read what happened before. This blog post consists of a longer and a shorter version. For a shorter version of the response, please scroll to the end of the post. I have no idea of how it will be received, but I’m hoping that both the long and the short version, will provide with more clarity for Hilde. Hilde is quoted in green.


“Hi Milla,

Milla, I am going to keep this short because I have plenty of other
needs that I want to meet today but I don’t want to keep you waiting
either. In fact I feel rather surprised that you are hearing the needs
I mentioned as being unmet, on the contrary, Milla so far my needs for
intellectual challenge, some novelty, learning, meeting a variety of
people and for space, for connections without the emphasis on
closeness, are being met in this exchange. I did say that I felt
comfortable with the exchange and I was hoping that would be clear

Clarification: I didn’t hear the needs you mention as unmet. I heard
that you had expectations [ = *trying*] to meet these needs in our
talk “I am trying to meet a specific set of needs in this kind of
correspondance. I really long for something different from my daily
activities in family full of people, I long for a bit of intellectual
challenge, some novelty, learning, meeting a variety of people and in
fact also for space, for connections without the emphasis on

In this case i would like to have clarity in what ways the above
mentioned needs are met. Is it something i do? Something you do?
Something else? This would really help me in understanding you.

The needs i referred to as unmet were fun and efficiency, you had
previously said “based on previous experiences I don’t have enough
confidence at this time that an exchange with you will meet my need
for effectiveness and fun.”

So when you don’t mention what it is that has happened before, i’m
left rather clueless as to why you mention this to me. And i feel
insecure and puzzled. Again: Is it something i do? Something you do?
Something else? Revealing the observation would really support me to
more clearly understand and connect with the meaning of your words. It
would also give me an opportunity to try and meet these needs. Which
is something i wish for.

All i hear when you mention fun and effectiveness is that you’ve spent
time in relation to me and that that apparently wasn’t fun for you.
And i’m guessing when you say that, that there is not enough trust for
you, that i would actually care for you in this connection. At least
that’s how i hear what you say, and hearing it this way saddens me,
cause i would really like to know what is safe and comfortable for
you. And at the same time when i say that, i would like to know if you
are interested in hearing what is safe and comfortable for me as well.
I value reciprocity. Mutual consideration is something i do not know
how to ask for, and yet wish for to take root and grow into any

When you speak about your needs or guess mine without giving a clear
reference point (this can be done by: quoting a sentence, or a word),
i feel lost and confused, it’s not clear to me what you are talking
about, since i am separate from you, i don’t know what it is that you
react on. Spoken observations would really help me with clarity, ease
and meaning. The same goes for requests.

“I just feel doubtful about skype calls, I don’t think I’ll be able to
keep the distance (space/privacy) I need to ensure my internal
harmony. Therefore I am not accepting your offer to go that route yet.”

Clarification: I am okay with you not wanting skype calls. And i hope
that my need for ease and clarity is still heard. I suggested a TEXT
chat (which can be done easily in online chat rooms – i wouldn’t mind
explaining how that works if this is something you haven’t tried
before). I see a text chat as something closer to what we are doing
now, when we exchange written words with one another, at the same time
as i imagine that needs such as flow, spontaneity, ease and clarity
could be met more efficiently through this form of communication, and
i’m wondering if this would be something you would consider trying

Having a text chat with me and see what it feels like – and that we
could set a time frame for it as well – perhaps an hour to talk – at
some point in time when you experience that you would have
time-mind-heart space for it. How does this suggestion sound to you?

“I felt hesitant to get in touch with you because I was afraid that you
would ask about skype again, but that issue is no longer a problem for
me since I have been able to connect it to my need for privacy. I also
fear being probed and asked to explain and clarify every word or
sentence I write. Your last reply did trigger this fear again but I
think I am also clearer about that now. I have a need for ease, for
spontaneity. I don’t want to push myself constantly to connect every
word I say or every move I make to a need. If you need this kind of
dedication for your own comfort and if you want to make communication
with me dependant on an agreement to hunt for needs non stop, I may
find myself withdrawing. I need to choose my own level of comfort
regarding consciousness.”

I hear this as you feeling uneasy about me asking questions. And that
perhaps it’s difficult for you to say directly what questions you
would prefer not to answer. I hear that my questions are sometimes
triggering for you to read. I hear that explaining takes energy from
you, and that it’s not an effort you’re (always) willing to make in relation to
me. You’re longing for ease, and you want to set your own pace for the
type of exploration that involves understanding yourself and making
yourself understood in relation to others.

My response: I have a similar experience of hearing questions from
you, asking for needs – as ‘probing’ [read: exhausting, needing ease]
– when asked to explain and clarify, and yet i’m willing to make the
effort, since i value clarity in the connection.

I don’t experience myself to be on a needs hunt – at least the words
you use do not resonate within me, and I would like to be certain of
what it is you are wishing to have a break from when you say “to hunt
for needs non stop”. I experience sadness that somehow you experience
the talk with me as triggering, and i don’t know what it is i/you do
or say that sets this off for you. I would like to know, so i could
assist you in experiencing more ease around me. I’m not asking to fix
you, just checking if i could support you in easing your fears/anxiety around
having this exchange with me. This way i would feel more safe speaking
with you.

“How would it be for you if I chose to reply only when I do feel I have
the energy to go need hunting, even if that would mean that it might
take several weeks or up to month for me to get back to you?”

Request: Could you clarify what you mean when you say ‘need hunting’?

Clarification: Again, the phrase you choose does not stick with me, I
would say that the phrase ‘needs hunting’ has no attraction value for
me, it is not a thing i fancy (at least not now, when i have no clue
what it means to you) i would rather say that I’m fairly tired of
staying in something that i experience as a limbo of focus on
feelings-needs, when i would experience great joy and freedom [And:
Meaning!] getting the same attention to Observations-Request, ie
putting the feelings and needs in a context: I want to know how
to make things better! 🙂

“That way I am convinced that my needs for fun or effectiveness will be

Till mid-August, I may not be able to reply quickly because I want to
focus on my family.”

Response: I am completely okay with you taking your time to respond.



Shorter version of my response:

Hi Hilde, I don’t understand what you mean with ‘need hunting’ and i
can’t really confirm if it’s true that i want for this thing until i
understand what it is. But for now i would say that i don’t see it as
something desirable in the connection between us. What I’m searching
for is to understand what it is you feel uncomfortable with and also
what you like and what you wish for, and how to make this talk into
more of what we like as well as lessen the discomforts. I would like
to offer co-operation to you, and right now i’m not sure if you are hearing
that, that i am flexible and that i’m not looking for quick decisions
– that i’m willing to take the time to be sure that we are both
comfortable with and understand how we choose to move on.

What i’m suggesting right now concretely, would be for us to have a
text chat, for instance using this space that i’m willing to explain
further how it works if necessary: http://webchat.xs4all.nl/ How do
you feel about that?

I’m hoping for you to say yes to trying out a text chat, since this would
really meet my need for ease and clarity and effectiveness as well. I
have no request in relation to when we would try it out. If you say
yes to it, i’m okay with speaking whenever you experience that you
have the time/mind/heart space for it.

take care,


One Response

  1. […] Click here to read the previous writing in this exchange. […]

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