Milla speaking (talking with Hilde)

by Milla — she=he

Click here to read what came before.

.

hello hilde,

you wrote: “I’d love to hear from you what you feel as you read my reply.”

i feel frustrated, sad, and really tired. overwhelmed and stressed. i
would like for it to be easier for us to understand one another.
direct conctact – talking over skype – would meet this need for ease
[not as you were guessing: closeness and company. my needs here and
now are: clarity and ease]. right now it’s really difficult for me to
understand where you are speaking from and what it is that you are
trying to communicate. you started by saying that you’ve begun writing
letters that you never sent me. i would like to understand why you
didn’t send them, or why it was hard for you to finish these letters
and send them. i would also like to understand why you were/are
expecting that this talk might not be fun and efficient for you,

i feel both sad and lonely when i hear these unmet needs and the
expectations that you have, and then i’m wondering if it’s something i
said/didn’t say, something i did/didn’t do, that triggered the longing
for fun and efficiency in you, and i feel really frustrated not seeing
anything that i could clearly hear as a request in relation to these
needs. it’s easy for me to hear it as blame. and very difficult to
stay open to the many possibilities: that for instance you didn’t like
your own behavior, and that your own behavior led to the lack of fun
and efficiency for you. so i would feel a whole lot safer in the
conversation with you, hearing the observations that led to these
unmet needs, and as well hear what would concretely meet these needs
for you. this way i would myself feel less confused and overwhelmed
reading your replies. specific/concrete observations involving active
agents (meaning: who did what?) and then what you wish for (meaning:
what specific action would meet the unmet needs?) could be one way to
bring me ease and clarity.

would you be okay explaining further why you didn’t finish/send the
letters? would it be okay for you to say more about your need for fun
and efficiency, if it was something someone did or said that triggered
this need before? and also if you could say why you have the
expectation that this will happen for you again in this conversation?
would you like to experience more hope in relation to this, are you
scared that you won’t be heard? do you have a need for safety and
would you really like to trust that your needs matter to me?

this is what comes up for me while i read your reply.

in your last letter this is what i understood from what i read:

i hear you speaking about how important it is for you to stay
connected with yourself, checking what feelings and needs move in
you, while you read a text, and that sometimes you experience that
your need for logical understanding ‘overrides’ your need for
self-connection.

i also hear that you are not so interested in having a dialogue with
me on the topic of self-connection, and that you are not certain for
how long you will have this talk. the reason you’ve contacted me is
more about your excitement with these ‘aha’-experiences that you’ve
had during one year, and you would wish to hand some information
over (you’ve mentioned Inner Empathy) in the form of links, and you
are curious if i would receive the material in a way that resonates
within you. is this it? you’re looking for common ground?

you repeat a curiosity/confusion about what i mean with ‘my need for
vulnerability‘, and you would really like to get some clarity in what
i mean with that word/need.

answer: vulnerability is for me the act of revealing oneself to the
other in an open and authentic way. it meets my need for clarity, if
it’s done in a certain way, then it also meets my need for
authenticity and in extension to that: connection.

vulnerability for some might be compared to ‘showing one’s throat’ [you
mentioned ‘people shivering together’] – for some it might be compared to
staying connected with oneself and open to the other. i could see it
as exploring, that brings more safety and confidence the more it’s
tried on. it’s about sharing what we react on, what stimulates love,
hate, fear, interest, disgust – distance and connection – when
interacting with others and oneself.

did this answer your question?

Hilde:
I understand that you long for more direct connection via skype etc…
and I can see how that creates a different kind of closeness and
company, a quality which I guess you are looking for very much?
I remember that you asked me about skyping last summer too and I feel
really nervous about that as I am trying to meet a specific set of
needs in this kind of correspondance. I really long for something
different from my daily activities in family full of people, I long for
a bit of intellectual challenge, some novelty, learning, meeting a
variety of people and in fact also for space, for connections without
the emphasis on closeness. I feel a bit worried that this reply may
disappoint you because I do want to contribute to your wellbeing in
some way, but I’d like that to be compatible with the needs that are
alive for me.

Milla:
I’m suggesting skype, cause it would meet my need for ease and
clarity. In a ‘live’ conversation, you and i would be able to ask
questions directly as they come up. i would experience that there
would be less miss-communication and interpretations alive in us –
more connection. I take your answer as you feeling worried that a
video conversation would take our relation in a direction where you
would fear that you would not be able to meet your needs for own space
– having a voice chat would make me more ‘real’ to you, and this
thought is uncomfortable to you?

Would you feel as nervous about a text chat? What i’m looking for is a
more direct way of interacting, that could more easily create a
connection with more clarity between us. If you are still interested
in having a talk, then i would suggest having a talk about safety,
which is super important for me to feel at ease – and having that as a
text chat would definitely meet my need for efficiency.

I am also wondering how you imagine to make this happen in our conversation
“I long for a bit of intellectual challenge, some novelty, learning, meeting a
variety of people and in fact also for space, for connections without
the emphasis on closeness.”

I find it confusing reading your needs, without any clear suggestion on how to meet them, and i feel a bit scared that we will not get to a level of speaking where both can honestly say that we are heard, and where we can trust that our needs will be considered in the suggestions we make for this conversation to be experienced as comfortable as possible

How was this for you to read?

Respond in any way you wish. I would find it more connecting though,
if you would answer my questions. Or say why you choose not to respond
to certain questions. Cause i get really confused when you don’t reply to questions.

take care,
milla

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9 Responses

  1. Hi Milla,

    I’d like to try to make a small contribution [Need], by hearing (as best as I am able) the authentic, vulnerable you. My hope [Feeling] would be that would help you better to get to the ‘connecting’ that (I understand) you are striving for.

    (I do appreciate that you have tried to express yourself vulnerably in your post. I fear however that your tone has lapsed away from that at some crucial points. This is not a criticism, I would simply like to help you, if I can. Feel free to ignore my help, if it’s not wanted and/or it doesn’t suit 🙂

    ‘I find it confusing reading your needs, without any clear suggestion on how to meet them’

    Would it be true to say, that when you read Hilde’s needs you are feeling confused, and lacking clarity, and what you would like and ask for is a specific suggestion on how to meet them? To facilitate that desired connection?

    ‘I would find it more connecting though, if you would answer my questions. [..] Cause i get really confused when you don’t reply to questions.’

    Is it the case that, at the moment you are confused, and maybe scared too, lacking clarity, and you would like Hilde’s help in the following way, please: one or more specific thing[s] that you might do, to help her with her need for fun and efficiency? Which you would like to assist her with?

    Would something like that be more connecting? 😉 Might you amend your post to something like that instead? [Request]

    amicably,

    Jonathan

    (Hilde, I refer to your name for clarity 🙂

  2. hi jonathan,

    you wrote: “I do appreciate that you have tried to express yourself vulnerably in your post. I fear however that your tone has lapsed away from that at some crucial points.”

    i hear that it is triggering for you to read what i’ve written. something/s i’ve said leaves you wishing for vulnerability.

    i also hear that you wish to offer support in making my needs heard, and that you wish for me to experience option in receiving that support.

    to say it frankly: i feel hurt and sad. angry as well when i read your comments. i would like to enter a dialogue with you where i would be treated as an equal by you, and where you could speak from your own feelings and needs with clarity, where you would say openly that you are triggered reading my words instead of making a generalization about my “tone lapsing away at crucial points”. i read your comment as ‘preachy’ and ‘patronizing’.

    yes, enormous sadness is what i experience when i read this comment by you jonathan. i’m really tired of you not speaking with me in a way where the needs of BOTH of us would matter. you put your advice on top of me without asking, and repeatedly STOP dialogue about the things that i experience as hurtful for me in our way of relating with one another.

    the way you speak to and about me i experience as very disconnecting.

    whenever you are up for an honest and equal dialogue between us, i will be here to make the effort to connect with you.

    i hope this was clear enough. your tone/discussion style pisses me off.

    take care,
    milla

  3. Jonathan: “I’d like to try to make a small contribution [Need], by hearing (as best as I am able) the authentic, vulnerable you. My hope [Feeling] would be that would help you better to get to the ‘connecting’ that (I understand) you are striving for.”

    Milla: I hear your need to contribute. And reading the rest of the text you wrote triggers needs such as consistency and mutuality in relation to that. I’m thinking from my own point of view that i would appreciate being asked about what would be received as a contribution, so it wouldn’t so that your offering wouldn’t get this ‘pearls for swines’ ‘feel’ to it.

    Jonathan: “(I do appreciate that you have tried to express yourself vulnerably in your post. I fear however that your tone has lapsed away from that at some crucial points. This is not a criticism, I would simply like to help you, if I can. Feel free to ignore my help, if it’s not wanted and/or it doesn’t suit”

    Milla: I’m not okay with you ignoring me. And because of being in that type of situation where you respond or not depending on whether it meets your needs or not, regardless of how ‘connecting’ or ‘off’ this is experienced by myself, I find it rather sad that you ask me to ignore when you speak ABOUT me TO me. I don’t like being spoken to in this way, without having a possibility to respond or enter a discussion about what has been said. i have zero trust in your willingness to create a connection between you and me.

    Jonathan: “‘I find it confusing reading your needs, without any clear suggestion on how to meet them’
    Would it be true to say, that when you read Hilde’s needs you are feeling confused, and lacking clarity, and what you would like and ask for is a specific suggestion on how to meet them? To facilitate that desired connection?”

    Milla: i quote myself — “i would feel a whole lot safer in the
    conversation with you, hearing the observations that led to these
    unmet needs, and as well hear what would concretely meet these needs for you. this way i would myself feel less confused and overwhelmed reading your replies. specific/concrete observations involving active agents (meaning: who did what?) and then what you wish for (meaning: what specific action would meet the unmet needs?) could be one way to bring me ease and clarity.”

    main needs being: a connection based on EASE and clarity. to avoid taking in ‘these and those needs are unmet’ as blame, it would really help/support me in hearing ‘who did what’ and what’s wished for next to create a better connection. CLARITY. co-operation.

    i continue quoting myself: “where both can honestly say that we are heard, and where we can trust that our needs will be considered in the suggestions we make for this conversation to be experienced as comfortable as possible.”

    Jonathan: “‘I would find it more connecting though, if you would answer my questions. [..] Cause i get really confused when you don’t reply to questions.’
    Is it the case that, at the moment you are confused, and maybe scared too, lacking clarity, and you would like Hilde’s help in the following way, please: one or more specific thing[s] that you might do, to help her with her need for fun and efficiency? Which you would like to assist her with?”

    Milla: At the moment i feel terrified. Cause when i speak with you, Jonathan, i feel like i’m talking with a zombie – and i don’t know what to do or say to call you back to the land of the living [to create a connection that would be experienced as ‘alive’ to me]. It’s scary for me that you rise from the land of the dead and approach me whenever you feel like it, and that you express concern and willingness to contribute, and at the same time i hear no questions asked from you: “Hey Milla I would really like to support you in CONNECTING with PEOPLE, is there anything i could do concretely for you to experience support with that?” a simple thing like that would meet my need for consideration and ‘show’ that you are not speaking from a grave but that you are actually ‘people’ too and that there can be recognition in that what triggers one person might not necessarily trigger another and vice versa, and that there are plenty of things in the way you choose to connect with me that leaves me with a bunch of unmet needs – that your way of speaking is not more ‘neutral’ than my way of speaking is!! you’re not a ghost you are a real person too, capable of creating ‘bad vibes’ as well as good ones.

    i’m guessing you have a lot of fears in relation to talking openly about yourself, and that you choose to delete yourself from the conversation whenever it feels too ‘heavy’ for you. you have a big need to stay safe and to protect yourself. is this it?

    to answer your previous question: yes, in general i would like for people to discuss strategies that would meet their needs with creativity and sincere openness/consideration. offer solutions. keep the discussion going. like if you want to support me in meeting a need for connection, how come you don’t put yourself out there? this is really weird for me. that you don’t talk about yourself but about OTHER people.

    i would like for you to recognize that there is a conflict between you and i and that it is super important for me to have it going somewhere before you come in and give advice and tell me what to do and not to do. i would like for you to make and effort with a something that would really be received as a contribution: offer yourself instead of talking about me or hilde or other people. i read your way of speaking as projecting stuff on others. not owning what is happening in you. and that is not vulnerability for me.

    so your effort to offer vulnerability and connection totally backfired.

    Jonthan: “Would something like that be more connecting? Might you amend your post to something like that instead? [Request]
    amicably,
    Jonathan
    (Hilde, I refer to your name for clarity”

    Milla: Again – what would meet my need for connection – would be if you stopped lecturing me, and started a real dialogue about what is going on Here And Now between you and me. i’ve heard you before, saying that there is no conflict for you [you talk about me in labeling words and say that we should ‘agree to disagree’]. Well, i would like for you to understand that there is one HUGE conflict for me, and that i would appreciate if you backed off for as long as it’s too difficult for you to speak about yourself and your relation to me. I’m not interested in hearing whatever comments and advice you have about other people – i want to have a talk with you where you talk about yourself.

  4. […] Click here to see what happened previously. […]

  5. Hi Milla,

    Thank you for your replies.

    I’m sorry/sad to hear that you did not appreciate my request. I can live with that, I don’t always appreciate other people’s requests!

    That you don’t want to comply with my request is absolutely fine by me – as I said, please feel free to ignore, if it doesn’t suit. What I am saying is you are not the only strategy I have, to exercise my desire to contribute 🙂

    Would you like to add anything further before I reply more fully? (I cannot absolutely promise a reply, due to other calls on my time and energy, but I am interested and stimulated to do so currently, so far.)

    I hasten to add, you have nothing to fear from me. I am not triggered at all, and never was when I posted yesterday. I had thought I had demonstrated that I was able to hear you yesterday with ‘giraffe ears’. 🙂 I continue to hear you with giraffe ears.

    (For the benefit of anybody reading who is not aware of this [rather annoying? :] NVC idiom, hearing with ‘giraffe ears’ means hearing only the feelings and needs which inform/inspire/animate the expression and/or actions of another – and discarding the component of what another _thinks_ .)

    Me, really I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I get that you are spooked (sounds like?) by my reappearance, on this blog page.

    I don’t always get the appreciation I would like, but luckily some appreciation occasionally does come my way … from which I draw strength to go on … 😦 Please hear my pain, Milla, I invite you to empathise!

    peace & love,

    Jonathan

  6. jonathan wrote: “(For the benefit of anybody reading who is not aware of this [rather annoying? :] NVC idiom, hearing with ‘giraffe ears’ means hearing only the feelings and needs which inform/inspire/animate the expression and/or actions of another – and discarding the component of what another _thinks_ .)”

    milla comments: for people who never heard of ‘giraffe ears’, or nvc = nonviolent communication, i would like to clarify that it is not a magical concept – it is not telepathic gifts jonathan is speaking of – it is to make a heartfelt *guess* what the other is feeling and needing (to put yourself in the shoes of the other), and stay open to that these guesses are not true until they are confirmed by the person listened to. and as well to stay open to that a person skilled in verbalizing needs (examples of needs = food, rest, community, meaning, beauty etc) might willingly or unwillingly guide/direct the inner process of someone with less words for needs in their vocabulary to connect with needs that might not be the ones that are the ones that actually present for this person in a specific situation. in other words, if not being careful, it’s easy to lead people ‘astray’ in the process of empathizing ( = guessing feelings and needs)

    i would like to make another generalization about the nvc community – that people enthusiastic, practicing and fairly often ‘preaching’ nvc – seem to engage in some form of magical thinking around ‘giraffe ears’ – or ‘being giraffe’, believing that as long as you think of yourself as a ‘giraffe’ you can cause no harm. this is an illusion – unfortunately shared by many.

    another fairly reoccurring phenomenon amongst nvc practitioners is to stay away from observations (what triggered the feeling/need?) and requests (what specific action would meet the need?). not giving equal emphasis on observations and requests may for some meet a need for safety – for some, like myself, it triggers unmet needs such as meaningful interaction, co-operation, connection, learning, joy etc etc.

    so. these are some of the lessons i’ve learned thus far, trying to integrate nvc as a way to make life less painful and more fun.

    take care,
    milla

  7. Jonathan wrote: “I’m sorry/sad to hear that you did not appreciate my request” … “as I said, please feel free to ignore, if it doesn’t suit. What I am saying is you are not the only strategy I have, to exercise my desire to contribute”

    Milla: I hear this as a ‘take it or leave it’. I would like to experience more option, and as well the joy of receiving your contribution. A concrete way for you to have your longing for appreciation and need to contribute met would be to ask me in what ways i would experience having been contributed to. Would this be a doable request for you? Any objections to trying?

    Jonathan wrote: “I hasten to add, you have nothing to fear from me. I am not triggered at all, and never was when I posted yesterday. I had thought I had demonstrated that I was able to hear you yesterday with ‘giraffe ears’. I continue to hear you with giraffe ears.
    (For the benefit of anybody reading who is not aware of this [rather annoying? :] NVC idiom, hearing with ‘giraffe ears’ means hearing only the feelings and needs which inform/inspire/animate the expression and/or actions of another – and discarding the component of what another _thinks_ .)”

    Milla: Jonathan, it doesn’t matter to me if you feel peaceful inside, your actions and words can still have a negative impact on me. What is fearful for me is when there is no space for evaluating a connection and mutual support in trying to make it better. It’s not enough saying “I intend no harm, please hear me in my intentions”. It doesn’t matter that your intention is to contribute, or that your intention is to hear feeling and needs, or that you intend no damage. What matters to me is your willingness to check how your intentions would actually be received by the other, for instance by, as i suggested before, to ask directly “I would like contribute, could you tell me how?” “I would like for you to be heard, could you tell me how?” “I would like for you to feel safe, could you tell me how?” This would be the starting point of an equal dialogue for me.

    Jonathan wrote: “Me, really I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I get that you are spooked (sounds like?) by my reappearance, on this blog page.”

    Milla: I hear that you wish to cause no harm. Maybe that you believe that you are not capable of harming anyone. I feel uncomfortable when i read this statement. “Me, really i wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Cause i would like to have more clarity in how you view interdependence, and care, I would like to know if you are open to dialogue about what is perceived as hurtful and not by us as individuals.

    Jonathan wrote: “I don’t always get the appreciation I would like, but luckily some appreciation occasionally does come my way … from which I draw strength to go on … Please hear my pain, Milla, I invite you to empathise!
    peace & love,
    Jonathan”

    Milla: Jonathan, i hear that you are expressing pain, cause you would like to receive appreciation. you would perhaps also like to experience peace and love and this is not happening for you right now. is this it?

    I invite you to speak more about your pain in concrete terms, what actions/thoughts in the world stimulated this pain? what actions/thoughts stimulated these needs in you? What actions do you imagine would alleviate the pain and meet the needs?

    i add — i really don’t experience that i’m heard by you, or that you are the type of nvc practitioner that is into observations and requests as much as you like to guess feelings and needs. this is the thought that is mostly alive in me, and preventing me from experiencing hope that there will be an actual connection involving equality/mutuality/consideration between us.

    how do you receive that?

    take care,
    milla

  8. >
    i add — i really don’t experience that i’m heard by you, or that you are the type of nvc practitioner that is into observations and requests as much as you like to guess feelings and needs. this is the thought that is mostly alive in me, and preventing me from experiencing hope that there will be an actual connection involving equality/mutuality/consideration between us.
    >
    > how do you receive that?
    >

    How do I receive it? You would like understanding from me. You would like me to include more observations and requests, it sounds like you prefer this to receiving empathic guesses from me. You have evaluations of me re those above wishes/needs (‘this is the thought that is mostly alive in me’).

    Generally, from your other posts, that you are feeling pissed off, hurting, sad, and angry. You have (unmet) needs for safety, ease, clarity and connection. You want something with me that you could experience as equality. Which isn’t the case at the moment (that you experience equality). (I may have missed some feelings and needs out – unintentional.)

    Your main request seems to be that I check with you in what way you would like to accept contribution.

    Ordinarily I’d be happy to do that, Milla, but according to my perception, meaning, I _observe_/notice myself forming the conclusion, you included evaluative content, to support your contention that I really need to mend the errors of my ways, and that related to stuff I have got wrong, I now owe you; the following are a sample:

    ” i would like to enter a dialogue with you where i would be treated as an equal by you, and where you could speak from your own feelings and needs with clarity, where you would say openly that you are triggered reading my words instead of making a generalization about my “tone lapsing away at crucial points”. i read your comment as ‘preachy’ and ‘patronizing’.”

    “i’m really tired of you not speaking with me in a way where the needs of BOTH of us would matter. you put your advice on top of me without asking, and repeatedly STOP dialogue about the things that i experience as hurtful for me in our way of relating with one another.”

    “i hope this was clear enough. your tone/discussion style pisses me off.”

    “‘show’ that you are not speaking from a grave but that you are actually ‘people’ too”

    “i’m guessing you have a lot of fears in relation to talking openly about yourself, and that you choose to delete yourself from the conversation whenever it feels too ‘heavy’ for you.”

    “whenever you are up for an honest and equal dialogue between us, i will be here to make the effort to connect with you.”

    My best guess is that starting from these premises helps to provide safety for you — not that there is anything wrong with safety per se — at least so I suppose …

    Because I don’t agree with these premises, I am reluctant to address your request right now. It turns out that I have the same needs as you – ease, clarity, safety, equality (Me, I’m not sure if equality is truly a valid need, btw. According to my understanding of ‘needs’.). If I responded to your request right now, it might appear like I accept the (what I think of as) accusations as entirely valid.

    (An nvc person characterised this situation as ‘Hello!! I believe you see me over there … but I am actually over here! – which I liked.)

    I’m sorry, my needs re autonomy about where to put my time and energy prevent me from addressing and reconciling the mismatch[es] between:

    1. Your evaluation of who/what I am

    2. My own evaluation

    That said, your evaluation is valid to you, valid in your eyes, that’s something I can’t realistically argue with, even if I wanted to.

    [Reguest:] Please could you ask me again in a couple of weeks time, in a new blog post, making your request ‘to ask me [Milla] in what ways I would experience having been contributed to’, with a feeling[s], need[s], and a true, pure observation (ie devoid of any evaluation). I am hopeful (though do not promise anything) that I would then be able to respond willingly to your request. (And any other similarly ‘cleaned up’ request, that remains unaddressed.)

    Please can you wait at least a couple of days, before making _any_ reply to this post? I notice you saying you have no trust in my willingness to make connection, and that me and you is a ‘HUGE conflict’. I find conflict, or negotiating a path through it, very tiring, and distracting. I need to focus on other things right now. I feel tired right now. (Almost certainly I wouldn’t reply before that time frame, [if I reply at all, which isn’t promised] due to other needs.)

    I suppose that you would like a lot of stuff (what I think of as your evaluations) addressed, Milla – I’m sorry, I can’t agree to do that due to the aforementioned needs for autonomy, ease, clarity and safety. Please can you get the understanding on your fears (?) pain (?) around these from somebody else?

    _If_ I repeat _if_ there is a sub-text that you’d actually just like me to shut up, I can’t necessarily agree to do that, since I’d like to exercise autonomy about when and how I express myself, within reason.

    take care,

    Jonathan

  9. Hello Jonathan,

    i agree with that there are evaluations in my words posted. it’s an expression of long-term frustration, sadness, anger, hurt = hopelessness.

    in relation to your request, put in three parts:

    1.
    “[Reguest:] Please could you ask me again in a couple of weeks time, in a new blog post, making your request ‘to ask me [Milla] in what ways I would experience having been contributed to’, with a feeling[s], need[s], and a true, pure observation (ie devoid of any evaluation). I am hopeful (though do not promise anything) that I would then be able to respond willingly to your request. (And any other similarly ‘cleaned up’ request, that remains unaddressed.)

    RESPONSE: At this moment I am not willing to make a blog post. At this moment i am not willing to re-enter into an exchange with you. I don’t feel comfortable with the terms you set: Basically what i hear you say when you say “though do not promise anything” and later “if i reply at all, which isn’t promised” does not meet my need for recognition of the efforts made by myself in such a dialogue and tells me that you at any given moment might choose to hear evaluation/blame/judgment and on those premises break off contact. this does not meet my need for mutuality and willingness to work through conflict. I hear that it’s the evaluations that are heavy for you to take in as feelings and needs, I could make an effort to stay strictly with OFNR, but i’m not willing to make these efforts for meeting your needs for CLARITY, EASE, CONNECTION unreciprocated, meaning – if you want me to do this for you, i would like for you to do the same thing for me. And right now I’m not hearing this suggested in what you say. So my answer is no – I prefer looking for connections where I can have these needs met.

    2.
    Please can you wait at least a couple of days, before making _any_ reply to this post? I notice you saying you have no trust in my willingness to make connection, and that me and you is a ‘HUGE conflict’. I find conflict, or negotiating a path through it, very tiring, and distracting. I need to focus on other things right now. I feel tired right now. (Almost certainly I wouldn’t reply before that time frame, [if I reply at all, which isn’t promised] due to other needs.)

    RESPONSE: I felt weird with this suggestion of you asking me to wait before posting a response, instead of you taking full responsibility and saying that you wouldn’t read any replies right away, and caring for your own needs that way. I don’t understand what needs of mine would be met by waiting, so I don’t view this as anything where consideration for myself (my time, my wishes) would be included in your request.

    And once again the “if i reply at all” pokes at mutuality, and meaning in the connection for me. So, in order to have these needs met, and for you not to experience that there are any judgments and demands on you, I choose to build connection with people who are willing to meet these needs.

    3.
    I suppose that you would like a lot of stuff (what I think of as your evaluations) addressed, Milla – I’m sorry, I can’t agree to do that due to the aforementioned needs for autonomy, ease, clarity and safety. Please can you get the understanding on your fears (?) pain (?) around these from somebody else?”

    RESPONSE: Yes, I would like to have a talk with you about how we relate with one another – including you inviting me to a space of MUTUALITY where i can guess your feelings and needs and that you would respond whether my guesses are off or not. You say that you would like to be seen ‘Hello!! I believe you see me over there … but I am actually over here!’. I’ve understood that your previous decline to a similar request made by me, was about your need for safety. So as i understand it, you feel really exhausted when you don’t experience yourself as seen, and it prevents you from seeing the person in front of you. is this it?

    you want to be seen, and at the same time, you would not like to be seen, so you prefer status quo, since it meets your need for safety. this is how i understand this exchange.

    Jonathan, I can care for my own needs. REQUEST: The interaction with you leaves me longing for so many things. Would you be okay leaving me alone (not commenting on this blog) until you find a way that would make it possible for you to work through/stick with the conflict that we’re having?

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