by Milla — she=he

Why did i love. what the hell is love. why did i love and then end up being numb numb numb. obsessive about someone i don’t even know. why do i even care about people that are around me and behave in ways i don’t understand. Why? why do i call myself stupid, over and over again..  I understand ronja, juk, … and still … what is the point in going on..? Why the hell do i go on?


12 Responses

  1. Hi Milla,

    I am sorry to hear that you are suffering some distress 😦

    I hope that you have somebody to talk to, about/through/over your unhappiness.

    You may always talk to me if you like – though I fully realise I may not be the ideal person for you to confide in/with, which I can accept. If you don’t have my email address from before, reply here, and I can email you contact details for myself. I could maybe install Skype on my other pc, that has Windows on it.

    If you want a literal answer to the question ‘why do i call myself stupid, over and over again’, I recommend your (re-?) reading the chapter ‘Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves’ in ‘Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life’. Specifically, sub-headings ‘Translating Judgments and Inner Demands’, ‘NVC mourning’, and ‘Self-Forgiveness’. As well as ‘The Lesson of the Polka-Dotted Suit’.

    It’s only a few pages 🙂 though the best few pages in the book, I think … 🙂

    If you don’t want a literal answer, if your question was only rhetorical, please ignore 🙂 and in which case, I hear your pain …


  2. hello jonathan,

    i have your email address from before, just wanting ease right now, not searching for it, and also finding comfort in public spaces.

    i would like to connect with you. i find safety and connection in mutuality, so, yes, i would love to receive empathy, and as well try to hear what is going on for you.

    would you be okay with having a talk where we decide beforehand a set amount of time for each of us to be heard? for instance 20 or 30 minutes each? and also having a a quick check, maybe 5 to 10 minutes, after each session – on how we experienced the talk?

    timelines and structure also give me safety.

    take care,
    milla (empathy-needy)

  3. Hi Milla,

    I could attempt an empathic response your NVC practice group, if that works for you. We can talk there?

    I’m not expecting that we stray into ‘controversial’ areas (I’m not expecting to talk much myself, apart from providing empathic response), but if we do, I’ll simply stop. I do not want to do or continue anything that only it turns out results in upset/stress to yourself. (Or myself for that matter.) But as I say, I have no expectation of that happening.

    Let me know if this wouldn’t work for you. Or if you have another suggestion to put forward. Otherwise, I’ll leave it a couple of days, and post to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/practiceNVC/


  4. hi jonthan,

    i hear your response to my request for mutuality/safety in an empathy talk as a

    *no*, because you

    have a need for emotional safety?

    i myself do not feel comfortable with one-sided talks. i would not experience empathic connection in such a talk.

    take care,

  5. Hi Milla,

    I check your blog from time to time and as I read this:
    “Why? why do i call myself stupid, over and over again”, I wondered if you would be interested in trying something slightly different but still NVC?

    Let’s say, you could call this “the voice that calls me stupid”. Then you could ask the voice that calls you stupid what it is feeling and needing, or thinking or believing. Maybe as you do this you will hear another part or voice speak up, maybe “the voice that would like the voice that calls you stupid to go away”. Then you do the same enquiry and listen again for it’s feelings and needs. Would you be willing to just try this process, no promises, just see what happens? Oh and the voice that wants to go on and the voice that doesn’t want to go, maybe you’ll hear those in the same way?


    Hilde. (Hmm I notice Jonathan has been responding but I am not in this with anyone else, just greeting you solo! ;-))

  6. hi hilde,

    i hear this as you wanting me to check my ‘inner educator’, (and possibly ‘inner chooser’ as well). i’m guessing that you are hoping that an inquiry into these phrases [ie “i’m stupid”] repeated internally, might get me closer to meeting some unmet needs – or at least locate what the needs are. you’re wishing me relief from pain.

    this is how i hear your message.

    dunno. i appreciate your intentions. and choose not to do what you suggested, possibly cause i really long for vulnerability/mutuality and for the connection i experience through that – people sharing their inner realities. and also because i in general more easily can receive well-meaning when it comes in the form of: “i’m a bit worried when reading your last blog entry, and i’m wondering if there’s anything i could do to support you – is there anything you can think of that would make you feel supported right now?”

    i prefer this direct/open approach rather than advice or empathic guesses, which can be experienced as rather alienating to me – when what is said does not ‘hit home’ (create a heart-connection). when the advice or guesses are ‘off’ – it leads to more pain, exhaustion and disconnection for me – and it would be easier to take in what the other is saying dressed in

    THIS I PREFER: “i’m feeling .. and needing .. and would like to know if you..” ❤ ❤
    rather than
    "maybe you could do this or that?" or "are you feeling… , cause you're needing …?"

    say whatever you wish 🙂
    or nothing at all 🙂

    take care,

    • Hi Milla,

      I am sorry to disappoint you but at this time I cannot pinpoint exactly what my needs are, it seems to be about sharing, fairness and peace of mind, but this doens’t feel complete and I feel rather rebellious reading what sounds to me like the suggestion that “I should be more aware”, that “Awareness is better than no awareness” or that “YOU know what awareness is and what it is not”.

      When I read those questions: “Why? why do i call myself stupid, over and over again.. Why the hell do i go on? ” It just seemed right to pass on something I recently learned about engaging the empathic self to listen to different parts, but I realise that what I wrote was not clear. I agree with you that there is nothing for me to fix. It seemed to me that YOU wanted answers to certain questions and I heard that as an implicit request for inspiration to help yourself. Here is a link to what I consider the best self help course in inner empathy. http://www.innerempathy.com/index.html

      I feel a bit silly because I seem to want to share this with everyone these days and of course there is no way of knowing that this will work for anyone else the way it does for me. Should you choose to try and find out that it has some answers for you, I’d enjoy hearing about it. I hope that since you have the choice to follow up on this link or not, that will satisfy your need for freedom. I could ask first and wait to hear back from you whether you are interested or not but based on previous experiences I don’t have enough confidence at this time that an exchange with you will meet my need for effectiveness and fun.


      • hello hilde,

        i’m not disappointed with your reply, i experience it as you being open about what is going on for you. meets my need for vulnerability and mutuality somewhat.

        i didn’t understand what it was you received as >> “what sounds to me like the suggestion that “I should be more aware”, that “Awareness is better than no awareness” or that “YOU know what awareness is and what it is not”.” <<

        if it's some specific sentences i've written that you took in this way, i don't mind clarify them for you, if this would be helpful for you to connect with my intention. right now i'm at a loss with what you feel (or felt) rebellious about – and i would really like to know – but it's up to you if you are okay with sharing.

        so, what i hear from you now is that you are excited about new insights about self-reflection and that you wished to share that with me since you received my moment of despair as a request for help – you were wishing to share with me tools to help myself.

        i appreciate your link.

        i hear that you're low on hope for an interaction with me to be efficient and fun. and would like to hear more about that – if you want to be vulnerable and write about this experience – i would like to hear what's been going on for you. and as well, if there is possibly anything concrete that you could ask from me to meet your needs for efficiency and fun – right here and now?

        take care,

      • hi hilde 🙂

        i just received this link today – and it met my need for fun, and as well was pointing at some of problems with efficiency when it comes to how we practice nvc. like staying with empathic guesses and not giving answers – which i figure could speed up connection:
        ANVC (Almost NonViolent Communication) cartoons

        let me know what you think,
        or not. depending on whatever you feel like doing.
        i have no expectations.


  7. WOW MIlla, that was a lot of air for my lungs. ROTFL Need for fun met!
    I really appreciate your invitation to hear what has been going on for me and I’ll reply as soon as possible.

  8. […] I was afraid of being triggered and having to deal with those triggers. Then last week I noticed Jonathan had written to you, I guess I felt less alone and suddenly a bit more courageous and rather impulsively wrote a few […]

  9. […] experiences I don’t have enough confidence at this time that an exchange with you will meet my need for effectiveness and […]

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