by Milla — she=he
Today’s Song: Doktor Kosmos – Holiday
Writing to get things sorted out in my head. And maybe as well writing, cause I’m surprised that some people have a really strange idea of what my life is like. Right now, I’m a recluse, most of the time on my bed staring at a computer screen, searching for reality shows to watch, perfectly aware, that this is not ‘sane’ activity. I do not have an ‘interesting’ nor ‘active’ life. My life is very boring, very much physically set in some square metres – bed, kitchen, toilet. I’m dealing with mental problems, and getting some healing done. I stay by myself cause I easily get agitated around other people and I don’t enjoy their company. I feel disconnected and bored. I stay by myself cause I can’t easily find people who would enjoy, and not get bored in, my own company.
I’ve traveled like mad and felt scared and disconnected and frustrated. My mind mostly stays around what’s been damaging and hurtful. The learning, the care, the love, is somehow not there when I flash through the past – over and over again (=ptss). I’m isolating myself cause I find what is around me unbearable, and also cause of having lived through so much disconnection being with other people. I’m very lucky to have this opportunity: A Room – a space where I can come and go and stay, and do as I please – my life before, staying on the road and being homeless, has not been a ‘fun’ or ‘romantic’ experience as many seem to think it is.
When I leave my room and walk in the streets outside I speak by myself – unwillingly. I laugh inside when I do it (I have a very dry sense of humor..) cause I have no control over myself, and I’m fully aware that it’s the lack of social life, causing this behavior – A mad person muttering and mumbling to herself.
In my loneliness, there’s been a lot of apathy. Not being able to take care of myself, moving my body or cooking – fairly simple things – experienced as ‘impossible’ and not finding motivation for it. Luckily I’ve gotten in touch with a few persons I can connect with over skype – experiencing a similar ‘madness’ a similar isolation and pain. I find support in this, knowing that I’m not alone in not functioning. Not alone in now and then curling up in a ball and opening my mouth in a silent sob, while tears stream down my face. Not alone in going numb. My pain is normal. My response to the disconnection and violence around me is experienced by many.
Anyhow. In spite of a not so exciting life, and fairly misanthropic and depressed take on ‘reality’ after three decades of breathing, I can honestly say that I love what I’ve learnt so far, and I experience great frustration in not figuring out how to get to practice it in a crowd. This blog has been a stage for me, from where I can speak uninterrupted, in my own words, with the response most often being “crazy!” and “fuck you!” — I can’t make sense to most people. But if I can find a few willing to connect with me as a human being instead of whatever picture you have in your mind, and I for whatever reason could be able to see you through my own expectations and labels – I would be a very happy person.
Things that I like:
Everyday Male Chauvinism (skip the dry intro for later, and start with the examples in brown)
Polyamorous Speed Dating
WHERE ARE YOU? IF YOU LIKE WHAT I LIKE I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU! GET IN TOUCH:
firstname.lastname@example.org (i’m on facebook)
Filed under: > Milla & The Ban |