by Milla — she=he
In a talk with a person I got in contact with at ponderNVC and SynCom:
“I hear rabid feminism coming from you. If that’s the issue you wish to pursue with me, then my wish would be that the break be indefinite.” —Angus, member of SynCom and PonderNVC, private email
“a two-week fuckathon with a li’l Brazilian gal some years back” […] “once you master that you can move on to Brazilian nymphomaniacs” –Bill, PonderNVC
“It also sounds like you believe that still to this day that favoritism is given to whites and that you believe that an inequality still exists to this day, in this regard I agree with you if this is the case, though perceive that that inequality is against whites and is wholly unfounded.” –Paul, PonderNVC
My request for clarification of the above statement by Paul has not been responded to. Paul has chosen to share the impressions Paul has of my interaction with Paul, Alex – moderator and group owner – and others in the group in this way:
“Ok Milla, Thanks for the response, I’m honestly not sure whether to take your emails seriously sometimes as the seem somewhat counter intuitive to me. I respect that you had some anxiety around my response as I did reading your reply. I’d like to be heard just as you would and I see in this last email you utilizing some NVC principles and I’m delighted to say that I took those as genuine expressions of self and I feel trusting in you to the extent that I recognise that we are both trying to find strategies to get our needs met.
You wrote~ this meets a need i have for hope of a community where there’s
and acceptance. and willingness to connect. with respect.
Yet co-operation is just the very thing that you are refusing.. acceptance of the groups dynamic precicely what you refute, and a willingness to connect something that seemingly has escaped you, in that, you are totally unwilling to connect to the needs of everyone else on this group that has managed to have harmony with ALex’s personal emails to us.
Can you see how this can lead a person in their thought to make assumptions? How the three core things you say you want from a group are the same three things you don’t offer it? I’ll hope for an actual response.” –Paul, PonderNVC
A continuous request on my part on these forums has been for clarity and for specific examples to be given, to make it possible for me to understand and connect better with what concerns people have and what they wish to see happen. Paul is in the above statement, expressing appreciation for my use of ‘some’ NVC principles, without specifying any actions nor principles, and then follows this with making evaluations in relation to some unspecified action/non-action on my part.
Many talks and discussions later comes this:
“Hi all, In the last few weeks many of the posts from several members here have been in may opinion significantly off-topic (outside stated purpose of the group. This includes attempts to resolve personal conflicts (for example Milla’s concerns specifically about moderation of her posts” […] “To anticipate someone possibly asking “could you give me some specific examples of what you consider these off-topic posts,” I’ll say that there are so many off-topic recently that it’s easier for me to give examples of ones that are not off-topic.” […] “I’m also giving everyone a heads up that I’m considering putting any members who in my subjective opinion seems to be not respecting those boundaries or routinely exceeding the 500 word limit or chronically failing to trim, onto moderation and filtering out (deleting or rejecting, with or without notice to the poster) the “out of bounds ones” myself. I’m also asking my co-moderators to take the same action if they see what they percieve as out-of-bounds postings continuing, and of course themselves refrain from posting out-of-bounds or responding to out-of-bounds posts in the group email.” –Alex (moderator, owner), PonderNVC.
In Alex’s expressed concerns about ‘off-topic’ and ‘out-of-bounds’ postings on PonderNVC I am the only one mentioned by name. The examples given of what Alex considers to be on-topic includes the thread with the statements made by Bill on a “two-week fuckathon” with “a li’l Brazilian gal” and “Brazilian nymphomaniacs” as well as asking the men in the thread how they get ‘their’ women to do genital shaving.
“Well then, if I may be so bold: How do you guys persuade your women-folk to shave their muffs…? (Or does this question belong in syn-com…?) Warmly and Curiously” –Bill, PonderNVC
Bill’s line of thought about women shaving, comes after two of the men have talked about shaving and beards in the same thread recommended by Alex:
“My feeling about beards is that us bearded wonders should have special representation in parliament, for truly we are the third gender of mankind!” –Stefaan, PonderNVC
The woman who started the thread responds:
“How about this one: “Wisdom is in the head and not in the beard.”–Swedish proverb.” –XYZ, PonderNVC
To which the reply is:
“That one must have come from the Swedish chef.” –Stefaan, PonderNVC
“Oh, I think I get it. A bearded husband away from the kitchen is safe…” –XYZ, PonderNVC
I end with yet another quote from Bill in another thread after some weeks of silence on my part. The thread is started by Bill and called: “Violence and Nymphomania”:
“How much more the rambling horseplay in this thread meets my need for nourishment, than the “on-topic” stings and lashes of militant feminism of late… I’d say the list as a whole has moved decidedly up-scale since then… Wouldn’t you…? Love” –Bill, PonderNVC
That’s when i decided it’s time to leave. When discussions on moderation and how that can be done in accordance with the purpose-statement of the group: “A particular approach(nonviolent communication – NVC) to communication skills, win/win dispute resolution, speaking listening ways that increase chances of inspiring compassion from others and your ability to respond compassionately.
Activities based on NVC principles and training of The Center For Nonviolent Communication(CNVC.)” –Synergycommunication
When discussions on moderation are called ‘personal’ matters and to be discussed elsewhere, while ‘Brazilian nymphomaniacs’ and ‘how to get women-folk to shave their muffs’ is listed as a part of the on-topic conversations going on on the forum, I feel despair and lack hope in ever getting heard or taken seriously with my concerns in relation to how to create a space that can be experienced as ‘win-win’ for everyone taking part in it.
The concrete suggestions on Alex’s part on how to relate to the communication between Alex and I has been:
“Would you be willing to find an NVC forum that meets your needs better than
this one does and after you do that leave this one, or at least make no
further posts regarding your preferences about how I moderate or how you’d
like this group changes to THIS group?” — Alex (moderator, owner), SynCom
And to my request on SynCom to sort our differences out – or “dance” as it’s called in nvc:
“I do understand that having what you call (and I think I understand) as a dance in the _group_ email meets somehow your needs for safety of a certain kind.
On the OTHER hand having it in _private_ email meets _my_ needs for safety of certain kinds (I believe I explained as best I could why earlier.)
So, first I suppose we’d have to dance about WHERE we’re going to dance. What preferred dance floor <g>.
Does that make sense?
You have any idea how to resolve that?
Would flipping a coin work for you to decide that?
(I don’t mean that lightly or to discount your concerns about dialoging in private email.
I throw it out as a “neutral” way of resolving THAT conflict
without you seeing it as power over,
as a coin doesn’t care whose needs get met first.)” –Alex, SynCom
These suggestions was followed by silence to my response and suggestions. As well as having a couple of my posts turned down from synergycommunication by the persons moderating SynCom and PonderingNVC (Jonathan, Alex). Jonathan gave as a reason that my request for connection with Alex didn’t meet the ‘group guidelines’. When I asked for specification of the guidelines not met, there was no response to this question, and this is a part of the reply:
“Milla, I’d like to resign from moderating your posts. IOW, I withdraw
my consent. IOW, I decline to take part doing moderating, further. I
plead other calls on my time and energy.
Having said that, and resigned, I’d be prepared to start up again as
moderator on the following basis:
I would release your posts, if, according to my _subjective_
understanding of the group description and posting guidelines, I deemed
these to qualify.
If, according to my _subjective_ evaluation, I deemed these not to be in
the spirit of the description/guidelines, I would withhold these/delete
I am willing to offer my services as a moderator, unless and until you
hear otherwise, on the basis that _my_ decision would be _final_. I’m
not wanting to get into dialogues about this” –Jonathan, private email about not releasing my post with a request for connection with Alex to SynCom.
According to my experience with SynCom and PonderingNVC there is no practical follow through on the purpose statement of the group. I would wish for this to change. I would like to see win/win dispute resolution in theory and practice. Can we work it out?
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