win/win dispute resolution skills (nvc and conflict) #1

by Milla — she=he

Alex Censor, Founder-Owner-Moderator of Synergycommunication and PonderingNVC - two online nvc forums.

After months of draining and messy conflict I decided to get myself some rest and look for places that would better meet my needs for learning NVC in a reciprocal inclusive setting, so I unsubscribed to Synergycommunication and PonderingNVC. There was an automatic response from one of the forums, and I decided to write some feedback, since I consider myself not to have had a unique experience within these groups and that the criticism I have is constructive and valid.

The automated response letter is in black and my inserted replies are in green.


File – Your unsubscription from Synergy Communication

This message goes out AUTOMATICALLY to anyone leaving the synergycommunication
email group…

You’re getting it may because you removed (unsubscribed) yourself,
or, less likely, because a moderator deleted your membership(s).

IF you removed yourself, please read my request a few lines further down,
asking for a little feedback from you.


In any case you are free to reapply.

——————-To those who have unsubscribed themselves ——–

I Got a notice that you unsubscribed from our email group Synergycommunication.

Thanks for trying the group.

Mind telling me what you would’ve liked different for it to better meet your needs?

.My needs for consistency between the practice of the group and its purpose statement to “Learn, use, practice NVC(nonviolent communication.) Enhance communication, mediation, and win/win dispute-resolution skills” would have been met by a presentation of and a willingness by the moderators of this forum to use concrete/transparent models/practices for

  • mediation
  • win/win dispute-resolution


.(If you reply please send any reply only to )
That is, is there something going on in the group (even if it was “too many messages”) that you didn’t like?
Or was there something you wanted from the group that you DIDN’T find there?

.I have a longer response to this question here. The short response is I didn’t like that I was singled out by name by Alex in a handful of postings stating that my type of postings and concerns were not wanted in the group without further specification of how they were not fitting the guidelines. I didn’t like the diagnosing made by both Jonathan and Alex. I didn’t like that Alex and Jonathan have chosen a moderation style in non-accordance with the ‘win/win dispute-resolution’ of NVC.

I would have wanted clear and consistent guidelines for the interaction in the group. I would have wanted space provided for conflict resolution within the group. I would have wanted the guidelines to be no longer than an A4 page (this A4 page could possibly include links to further resources with examples of the communication models wished for and easily referenced to in times of need for clarity and common strategies for how to connect and reach understanding).


If there were postings from some particular member(s)that you
found stimulated discomfort and that’s part of your reason for leaving,
it would be helpful for me to know that and which postings,
and, if possible, particularly what you found troubling.

Once again, I found troubling the vague requests made by Alex to not do ‘out of bound’ postings, and that the solution to keep the posts ‘in-bound’ would be to delete posts without notice/discussion, and encouraging other moderators to do the same. Also Jonathan’s posts with vague advice-giving, vague criticism and hints of ‘flaws’ in my character and my learning process, and speaking of my mental health without my consent, as well as non-response to concrete questions is something I found troubling and disturbing. I also found the non-response by moderators to emails sent to them off-list by myself and other members fairly troubling, since I would wish for accountability in this type of space.

I was also troubled that I was repeatedly asked to leave the list, and told that my posts did not belong on the forum by Alex, while the statements about women as sex-objects and whites as receiving unfounded discrimination were left uncommented.

In any case, you are welcome to apply again back.


I would gladly do so if some of the moderators would be willing to discuss my participation on the forum with me 🙂
If you’re looking for an NVC-support group that is unmoderated
just use the yahoogroup’s SEARCH feature and put NVC in there.
You’ll find several

Finally, if you’re interested in an active NVC group that limits itself to parent/child issuses, consider  a very active group at


P.S., When people want to unsubscribe, if the reason is “too many messages”, I
like to tell them they do have two other options for status in the group that
would cut down their email without completely ending their connection to it:

1) They can go to “daily digest” status. This means they’d get no more than
one email per day that would contain all the emails of the day.

2) They can go to “web-only plus urgent-email status” (Called “Special
Notices” status) which means that the would see email from the group only on
the very rare occasions when I designated a message to the group as “urgent”
(something I have rarely done.)

That way you get no email, but if you want to see the group activity, you can
go on the web at any time to and read the
current or old messages (and reply to them if you wish.)

In addition, by having either of those two modes of membership it would
preserve for you the ability, if you ever wanted, to post a question TO the
group from your email (or from the web.)

Let me know if you want to go onto that Digest or Special Notices status and
I’ll put you in there in that arrangement.
Or if you prefer you can go on the Web to and do that yourself. Somewhere near the upper right you should see —
You are a member of this group

[ Edit My Membership ]

Click on “Edit My Membership” and do it from there if you want.

Alex Censor
(NOTE ADDED: 17 Jan 2006:
I OCCASIONALLY occassionally do a “clean up” and remove some members I suspect are no longer interested in being members and/or are totally inactive.
This might include:
# A member who has indicated they want to leave the group
but has has neglected to remove themselves.
# Members who have manually set their membership status as “no email”
or “Special Notices Only” and has not posted anything to the group for some
# Members whose email addresses appear to be not working (“Bouncing”) and/or who don’t reply to an email requesting they me know if they wish to remain in the group.

*** This cleanup is a tedious process and I may make some mistakes.***

name and email address at
saying so, tell me whether you want your status to be “normal email” “digest
of daily emails” or “web access only” and I’ll if it was a clerical mistake
that removed you I’ll likely promptly re-install you in the group.)


Click here to read Alex’s response: “I haven’t read (and probably won’t) the particular text Milla..


2 Responses

  1. […] going on on the forum, I feel despair and lack hope in ever getting heard or taken seriously with my concerns in relation to how to create a space that can be experienced as ‘win-win’ for everyone […]

  2. […] unsubscribed from two online practice groups of nonviolent communication. In one of the two (first, second) feedback letters I wrote, I quote people from these forums. I wrote an email afterwards to […]

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