Conflict and NVC

by Milla — she=he

All humans are born into culture.


Today’s songs: Human behavior & The Anchor Song – Björk

My response – to a string of private emails – is posted here according to my preference of resolving the matters mentioned in a public space [OFNR = Observation, Feeling, Need, Request]:


hello jonathan, hello angus,

(F + O) i have confusion and frustration in relation to how to proceed in reaching an agreement on what to do next, how (N) we can act together and get to a clear consent on how to move on in order to resolve the problem/s.

i would like to clarify what is happening, what is alive for me, in this situation right now, and i would appreciate if (R) both of you could do the same, express OFNR on what is strongly, vividly experienced by you right now. And as well express if you have a vision of how you would see this move further, a structure, for communicating in a more connecting way, with more ease.

as i understand it jonathan is experiencing it as difficult and frustrating taking in my perspective and incorporate it with jonathan’s understanding of what is ‘real’, i base this assumption on (O) jonathan making repeated empathy guesses such as

“I suspect, Milla, that this is (at least?) one occasion when you are prone to feel paranoid”

“Conversely Milla, you would like understanding extended to you, for your fears (and dare I say paranoia?) in respect of your relations with Alex?”

(O) i experience a lot of negative feelings in relation to “paranoia” being used when hearing me out in relation to moderation procedures and other power relations/assymetries, “paranoia” triggers (F) loneliness, anger, sadness, worry, animosity, despair in relation to needs such as (N) participation, inclusion, acceptance, support, EASE, REST, to see and be seen, to hear and be heard, to understand and be understood, to matter, RESPECT, and trust not being met.

i trust that (O) we live in different cultures (aware/unaware), where we’ve incorporated different values and expectations (aware/unaware) and that the work that i do, which i consider to be a (N) life-serving contribution, in bringing awareness, consciousness and recognition of these differences and the affect it has on human interaction and social relations – i have experience with that this work i do – (O) sometimes trigger strong emotion. in myself and others.

(O) i find it hard to work and co-exist in spaces where my point of view, my feelings and needs are not considered to be ‘real’, and consequently not taken into consideration. and since i disagree with and feel uncomfortable with having this talk in private, i decided —  until we say and agree differently — to post my correspondence on my blog according to my own preference (public) and simply link to it in the private correspondence that is now taking place, in recognition of the feelings of (F) discomfort, loneliness, unsafety i experience when (O) trying to reach an understanding around issues that have already been debated for hundreds of years, and the fact that we, in spite of these long talks, still are living in a world where sexual slavery, rape, killing of women in intimate (private) relations is common cultural practice world-wide. in order to (N) recognize the work that i do as life-serving and important and to honor the needs i have for safety i will choose to post my responses on the blog that jonathan spoke of in this way:

“I have a great deal more confidence that we can achieve reconciliation and win-win, through the procedure designed by MBR, as opposed to a procedure designed by yourself Milla — sorry, your ‘form’ (‘track record’) in this regard IMO leaves something to be desired — I’ve been to your blog too :.)”

this comparative expression – and jonathan not stating clearly what is to be desired, nor naming the undesirable behavior, and the feelings and needs triggered by that – and in combination with sayings like:

“I think I said before, if you can do it, anybody can do it! lol!!”

leads me to believe that it will not be effortless reaching an understanding that we can all feel safe with and agree upon.

i go along with this part of jonathan’s request:

“Our dialogue I request based upon the procedure in ‘We Can Work it Out‘, and maybe too, referring to ‘Getting Past the Pain Between Us‘.  (That would meet my needs for ease, since I can refer you to chapters and page numbers, and vice versa.)”

and i hope to make it clear, the importance for me to (R) in the beginning of any talk around moderation, and how to move towards a doable request, to talk further of the different interpretations and understandings jonathan and i and others might have of previous ‘deals’:

on june 23 jonathan said:

Right now, to the best of my knowledge, Alex no longer wishes to
moderate your posts, and left these to me to release to the group.
(right now? unless and until further notice?). He wanted me to intimate
that change. My best guess/explanation is – it’s, given the surrounding
circumstances, not a role he would be able to perform willingly, and
consequently declines.

as i understand it, (O) jonathan is now saying that such a deal was not made. Alex has, to my understanding, moderated and released a post of mine to the group. it is possible that our interpretation of the words and actions differ. it is also very likely that our feelings and needs in relation to the actions differ. in order for me to (N) understand what leads jonathan to assume that i have paranoia when requesting for clarity and honesty in relation to how the moderation is done, it is important for me to understand and (R) receive further clarity as to why the request for clarity and honesty in relation to the meaning of the above quote [june 23], was turned down by jonathan. or alternatively: if jonathan now thinks differently, and wishes to clarify the above statement, this is warmly welcomed.

(R) If something triggers you while reading and you wish to share this with me, I would very much appreciate a description of what word/s, action, non-action triggered the feelings/needs. A clear request with specific actions would also be appreciated. (N) It would improve my possibilities to better connect with what you say.

(R) I would appreciate receiving information stating what requests you are willing to go along with. And I would appreciate receiving information stating what requests you’re NOT willing to along with and WHY. This would improve the quality of connection, in the sense that i would (N) know if i’ve been heard, and i would better understand what you’ve received, and i would know what to expect of the other in the communication, it would bring me clarity in what the common understanding is and create more safety and connection.

I’m looking forward to hearing what’s alive in you.

❤ milla


One Response

  1. […] a – for me – safe space to the requests jonathan sent to me in private as a response to this post. i will not include jonathan’s text in this, in hope for this to meet her wish for […]

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