Conflict and NVC #2

by Milla — she=he

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -- Buddha


I’m responding here in a – for me – safe space to the requests jonathan sent to me in private as a response to this post. i will not include jonathan’s text in this, in hope for this to meet her wish for consent.


hello jonathan, hello angus

Response to jonathan’s request #1:

** my ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION of your statement: you feel (F) uncomfortable and uneasy about (O) me asking questions, and my wishes for clarity and honesty (mental relief) in relation to facts and observations. you feel like you’re on trial and you (F) fear being judged. you would feel more comfortable speaking of other things. you can’t relate to the feelings i’m experiencing and (O) you assume i have paranoia, and when i in relation to this assumption being stated, ask you about factual inconsistencies you would feel more at ease disconnecting with my feelings and needs, and not see yourself as responsible of your actions, or account for that some of your actions might not contribute to the well-being of others. at this moment in time you are not willing or capable seeing what needs of yours are not met by declining my request, and you do not want to see your own actions as alienating, so it’s easier for you right now to (O) express a vague wish for me to change my approach without further specification. in your mind and (O) with your writing, you can easily label me as doing something “alienating” while at the same time see yourself as “working hard on making a connection”. it’s easier on your heart to experience me as “difficult”. this thought gives you comfort. you choose to see myself as a person ‘paranoid’ and ‘out of control’ when it comes to caring for my own feelings and needs. and that i in my behavior and actions and expression, as you interpret it, ‘uncontrolled’ ‘impulsive’ attempts to care for myself, alienate others (yourself, alex).  this way of looking at it is easier than looking at structures and habits in yourself causing disconnection from heartfelt connection. END OF ASSUMPTION.

(R) jonathan, would you give me feedback on what i said speaking from your own reality of what “fits” and not, it would bring greater clarity in what’s going on for you at this moment. I would really like to connect with that.


Response to jonathan’s request #2:

** I share some of your feelings and thoughts about not being asked. You would wish for consent on the space where this talk takes place?

I do not feel comfortable discussing power asymmetries in a private sphere with you “alone”, and with no clearly agreed upon structure or method to lead the talk further into actions. I appreciate angus witnessing and taking part in this, but i do not feel safe having to care for my needs solely, in a place where the other has power to decide what to do with my words. And speaking in a setting right now where you are triggered, and have been triggered without speaking from your own feelings and needs, triggers too many unmet needs for me to list them. As this has been a hard-lived experience for a month and half and I wish for ease at this moment in time, I decided to make myself comfortable by moving along to a space i recognize as safe. My responses will be here, until we reach a clear and consensual agreement on where and how this talk is supposed to take place. I will not remove my initial or this response from my blog, but i hope to take your need for consensual decisions into consideration from now on by not including your text on this blog. What you find here are my words not yours.

(R) If this form of speaking does not suit your needs, would you be willing to look for a solution that would take my needs for safety as well as your need — as i understood it — for consensual decision making into consideration.

i would like to express appreciation for the clearly marked requests in your response, and would appreciate if this continues in the same manner.

since i asked for this myself in my last email:

(R) I would appreciate receiving information stating what requests you are willing to go along with. And I would appreciate receiving information stating what requests you’re NOT willing to along with and WHY. This would improve the quality of connection, in the sense that i would (N) know if i’ve been heard, and i would better understand what you’ve received, and i would know what to expect of the other in the communication, it would bring me clarity in what the common understanding is and create more safety and connection.

since i posted this in my last reply, i would now like to make clear that if you mark something as a clear request [with an (R) or “this is a request”] i intend to respond in the way i’ve stated in my previous response.

take care,



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