A Friend In Need (practicing Self-Empathy)

by Milla — she=he

Here’s the third part of an NVC (Nonviolent Communication) self-empathy exercise. The trick is to look at all the thoughts causing pain – thoughts of anger, blame and judgment such as: “They did this to me! They should! They deserve! – and identify the feelings hidden in these statements. Once connected with the feelings, I can get to understand the underlying needs. Practicing self-empathy is a way for me to look beyond painful thoughts and getting to a deeper understanding of what i really crave for 🙂

To give empathy is to connect a persons pain with a universal human need (for example: Acceptance, Support, Understanding). A need contains no reference to a specific person taking a specific action. Mixing needs with preferences or dependencies on specific actions (“That person must…”) will most often lead to self-defeat (not having the needs met).

4. List the Needs: Next, create another list for all the unmet needs behind all these
feelings such as; respect, appreciation, intimacy, recognition, cooperation, support…
Use the Needs List to pick out all the needs you have that are not being met.”

.

THE JACKAL SHOW, with feelings and needs:

I hate that stuck up ignorant asshole, A. Judge – I mean the name says it all – the guidelines for the forum is a mess and the people on it are sheep.

Feelings: Frustrated – Angry – Appalled – Despair – Afraid – Lonely.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Acceptance.  Freedom — Spontaneity.  Self-expression.  Reflection — Humor.  Rest — Passion.  Clarity. Consistency.

There’s no fairness or justice.

Feelings: Weary – Scared – Tired.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Equality.  Rest.

One ignorant dictator saying one thing as the truth not having to prove anything.

Feelings: Hostile – Apprehensive – Horrified.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Equality — Fairness.  Integrity.  Rest.  Consistency.

The people on the list are unaware of their judgmental attitude.

Feelings: Pessimistic – Worried – Lonely – Shame.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Equality — Fairness.  Acceptance.  Rest.  Awareness.  Consistency.  Support.  Harmony.

And that there is judgmental guilt tripping going on.

Feelings: Uneasy – Shame – Nervous – Tired – Troubled.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Equality.  Rest.  Acceptance.  Authenticity.  Consistency.  Awareness.

And that it’s said over and over again “Are you aware that the guy is losing money” as if I’m some “case” “benefiting” and “ungrateful” not “valuing” this self-righteous Dick head enough.

Feelings: Envious – Resentful – Suspicious – Upset – Worn Out – Enraged – Shame – Bad.

Needs:To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Rest.  Acceptance.  Awareness.  Authenticity.  Consistency.  Integrity.  Equality.  Cooperation.  Respect.  Participation.  Rest.

As if I would have anything to learn from that Stupid, lying, manipulative Male Chauvinist.

Feelings: Alarmed – Afraid – Resentful – Bored – Envious – Dislike – Disgust.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter. Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Independence.  Equality.  Freedom.  Growth — Stimulation.  Respect.  Mutuality.  Trust.  Consistency.  Integrity.  Rest.

Liar! Liar!

Feelings: Enraged – Despair.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Integrity.  Consistency.  Independence.  Mutuality.  Trust.  Rest.

Completely ignoring me and then trying to force intimacy as if I’m breaking some “RULE” by not feeling okay, having to FIGHT to be heard in order to get my needs met.

Feelings: Envious – Miserable – Sour – Infuriated – Worn Out.

Needs:To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Mutuality.  Safety.  Consistency.  Integrity.  Harmony.  Rest.  Cooperation.  Respect.  Acceptance.

Scared little shit!

Feelings: Afraid – Impatient.

Needs: Authenticity — Integrity — Consistency.  Cooperation.  To see and be seen — To hear and be heard — To understand and be understood.  To matter.  Clarity.  Connection.  Acceptance.  Peace — Challenge.  Rest.

I have a need for LEARNING and I can’t do that without reciprocity.

Feelings: Distressed.

Needs:To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Independence.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Consistency.  Harmony.  Rest.  Respect.

The guy is INSANE and I’m asked to deal with it as if it’s “normal” as if I have no pain as if my pain is not real as if it’s a burden.

Feelings: Enraged – Envious – Impatient – Embittered – Revolted – Mad – Reluctant.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Mutuality.  Consistency.  Support — Emotional safety.  Rest.  Cooperation.  Respect.  Acceptance.

I’m tired of having to be a “grown-up”. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

Feelings: Reluctant – Worn Out – Infuriated – Resentful – Envious.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Rest.  Joy — Play — Spontaneity — Creativity.  Support.  Ease.

Cause they are not going to change. They will not make the effort.

Feelings: Worn Out – Helpless – Hopeless – Unhappy – Skeptical – Pessimistic – Lonely – Frustrated.

Needs: To be seen — To be heard — To be understood — To matter.  Space.  Community — Meaning —  Choice.  Inclusion.  Acceptance.  Freedom.  Love.  Support.  Rest.  Shared visions. Consistency.

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4 Responses

  1. […] under: > Milla & The Ban « It’s All Love (The Jackal Show) A Friend In Need (practicing Self-Empathy) […]

  2. milla happened upon your site today and I don’t wish to restart anything with you but i just want to say that i am writing after not reading anything you write for many months so i don’t know what is going on with you. i write now only to say what i continually said to you the whole time i knew you and that it to please take care of yourself. I say this sincerely and with no motives-and I don’t have to say it and i have no reason to say it except for your benefit if you can hear it. you are damaging yourself. it is your choice to do whatever you want with your life, and i know the world is a horribly fucked up place and things need to be challenged. But try to take care of yourself and get unlocked as much as you can. that saying a willow does not break but bends with the wind. I am not trying to lecture you or talk down to you or say something that will hurt you or make you mad. I just hope you will take care. There is one thing that I do want to clear up from our past conflicts and that is that I DID care for you when we were friends. I wrote something that was not structured correctly in my writing that sounded like i always didn’t care for you and that is not accurate. actually i care for you now, with great caution and I hope you are ok. nikki

  3. by Milla

    Hi Nikki,

    I hear that you are concerned for my well-being and that you wish me positive changes. I appreciate that. You say that the world is a horribly messed up place and that there’s a need to challenge that order. I agree with you on that. I feel helpless sometimes, especially when there’s mess within groups who supposedly fight for the same cause.

    I don’t know what to say or how to say what i think and feel is real, without causing anger hurt and resentment and disconnection in our interaction. There’s a continuous pattern of my wish for understanding, manifesting itself in pain and alienation. I think nvc is a beginning towards a different way for me, but I’m just starting out. Hopefully some day, my words will not trigger rupture but will lead to the slow paced heart to hearts that i’m so longing for.

    If you are willing, I am ready to try out a different way of connecting. Possibly with the help of others more experienced in generating the gentle tread nvc could provide.

    I wrote an email to an nvc list, asking for help (maybe hope..) with the matter i find most urgent in addressing in our relation. I want to be open with you about how i feel, so I will post the email here as well.

    What I’m hoping for is this not to be mere self-expression lost in space, but that my sincere intention comes across, in trying to heal/understand the past.

    This is where I am at now. If you feel it’s something you can deal with, I welcome your contact.

    Take care,
    ❤ milla

  4. by Milla

    THIS IS THE EMAIL I SENT TO AN NVC LIST
    SUBJECT: critical awareness ? (individual & collective strategies)

    hello,

    i am an individual still struggling with the fact that we are
    interdependent with one another, and that every context i exist within
    recreates life-alienating dominant social structures and divisions,
    that are challenging (overwhelming) to address.

    i am very new to nvc, and i would like some guidance in direction to
    online resources (names of books are also okay, but i will most likely
    not be able to get them in the near future) giving a [practical] clue
    of how to bring about awareness in persons belonging to dominant
    social groups.

    i am white, and i would like to know how i can speak with other whites
    of the impact our behavior and lack of critical awareness has on our
    communities.

    if anybody would like to give some hands on help, there’s a white
    radical feminist i would like to talk with about these issues.

    she’s done some anti-racist work/actions in the past, and she is
    experiencing difficulties in looking at work and actions she performs
    as not meeting certain social group’s needs for safety, inclusion and
    understanding (critical awareness). she has had very strong emotional
    reactions against taking in and accepting the pain of non-whites (and
    whites) expressing their frustration in relation to her behavior, and
    is more focused on her own pain triggered by this contrast in
    perception [in short: “you have racist behaviors”, “this pain is
    real”; she: “i am not racist”, “you are suffering from a mental
    disorder”) . i don’t know how to speak with her about this, and i have
    my own issues with putting energy into situations “leading nowhere”.
    if there’s anyone with experience from this, or otherwise willing to
    “try it out”, then please write me a line, and maybe we can figure
    something out.

    take care,
    ❤ milla

    To give an idea of what type of material i would find helpful
    i add this link:

    http://diversity.learnnvc.com/index.html
    "We deeply believe in the potential of NVC to create connections
    across social groups, to create opportunities for healing from the
    pain resulting from the social structures and divisions that currently
    exist, and to support the development of critical awareness. We are
    therefore organizing this event – The Diversity Retreat: NVC & Race,
    Ethnicity and Social Class in North America – to meet our needs for
    inclusion, connection, contribution and hope.

    Join us in developing both greater critical awareness of the impact of
    race, ethnicity and social class on communities and individuals, and
    also a greater capacity for compassionate, healing connection with one
    another across these and other social barriers, as the basis for
    creating more connected, effective and transformative social change."

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