Once More, With Feeling (exercise in self-empathy)

by Milla — she=he

This is the second part of a self-empathy exercise. To read the first part: Click here. I recommend reading the comments as well.

I’m very grateful for the work that Hilde and ‘Fremath’ are putting into this exercise. It’s reassuring to get feedback and support in learning the basic nvc process (stating: Observations; locating Feelings; understanding Needs; formulating: Requests).

But no Observations, Needs or Requests for now. Back to the heavily judgmental Jackal Show. Once more, with feelings 🙂

3. List the Feelings: Go back over what you’ve written. What are the feelings behind all this? Make a list. List all of the feelings but don’t use the jackal words that imply blame such as; bullied, ignored, cheated, betrayed, abandoned, victimized… Use only honest descriptive feeling words that describe what is going on in your body now such as; sad, frightened, angry, worried, confused, anxious, resentful, overwhelmed, bitter, jealous, etc… Use the Feelings List and pick out all the words that describe the way you really feel.”

.

.

I hate that stuck up ignorant asshole, A. Judge – I mean the name says it all – the guidelines for the forum is a mess and the people on it are sheep.

Feelings: Frustrated – Angry – Appalled – Despair – Afraid – Lonely.

There’s no fairness or justice.

Feelings: Weary – Scared – Tired.

One ignorant dictator saying one thing as the truth not having to prove anything.

Feelings: Hostile – Apprehensive – Horrified.

The people on the list are unaware of their judgmental attitude.

Feelings:Pessimistic – Worried – Lonely – Shame.

And that there is judgmental guilt tripping going on.

Feelings: Uneasy – Shame – Nervous – Tired – Troubled.

And that it’s said over and over again “Are you aware that the guy is losing money” as if I’m some “case” “benefiting” and “ungrateful” not “valuing” this self-righteous Dick head enough.

Feelings: Envious – Resentful – Suspicious – Upset – Worn Out – Enraged – Shame – Bad.

As if I would have anything to learn from that Stupid, lying, manipulative Male Chauvinist.

Feelings: Alarmed – Afraid – Resentful – Bored – Envious – Dislike – Disgust.

Liar! Liar!

Feelings: Enraged – Despair.

Completely ignoring me and then trying to force intimacy as if I’m breaking some “RULE” by not feeling okay, having to FIGHT to be heard in order to get my needs met.

Feelings: Envious – Miserable – Sour – Infuriated – Worn Out.

Scared little shit!

Feelings: Afraid – Impatient.

I have a need for LEARNING and I can’t do that without reciprocity.

Feelings: Distressed.

The guy is INSANE and I’m asked to deal with it as if it’s “normal” as if I have no pain as if my pain is not real as if it’s a burden.

Feelings:Enraged – Envious – Impatient – Embittered – Revolted – Mad – Reluctant.

I’m tired of having to be a “grown-up”. I just want to scream and scream and scream.

Feelings: Reluctant – Worn Out – Infuriated – Resentful – Envious.

Cause they are not going to change. They will not make the effort.

Feelings: Worn Out – Helpless – Hopeless – Unhappy – Skeptical – Pessimistic – Lonely – Frustrated.

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To read the next part of this exercise: Click here.

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6 Responses

  1. Hi Milla,

    I am heartened and encouraged when I see you (so comprehensively?) get to the feelings which infom your judgements, thinking to myself: If Milla can do it, then surely anybody can!

    But this is no time to rest on your laurels, Milla: shouldn’t you explore the needs that are generating those feelings? http://www.theexercise.org says the whole exercise should take about 20 or 30 minutes; it’s two days since you posted only your feelings!! I know you have understanding about some of your needs, the lack of which are standing in the way of your equanimity; this you’ve not been backward in bringing to our attention already, actually rather noisily IMO. Learning, reciprocity (from which I assumed or posited trust?), clarity (especially vis-a-vis the list guidelines), safety, help, understanding, acceptance, and more no doubt – hey, I don’t want to do all of the work for you. 🙂 I’m guessing that with Hilde you’ve done more work on exploring your needs (I’ve not read yet the whole of those postings.)

    (By the way, when you said ‘Scared little shit!’ were you referring to yourself? 🙂

    Now come on Milla, think up another snappy title, and blog about your needs! Before you get involved in _another_ conflict, which exhausts you and makes you ill (or iller?). Yes, you more than most need to learn this, I’d say. Anyway you’ll get more accomplished this way, once you learn best how to win others’ cooperation – instead of alienating to the point where cooperation is the last thing on others’ minds!

    Disclaimer: I have no kind of official affiliation of accreditation with CNVC – the Center for Nonviolent Communication.

  2. by Milla

    Hello fremath,

    To answer your question:

    (By the way, when you said ‘Scared little shit!’ were you referring to yourself?

    I was referring to A. But of course it’s a reference to my own inner reality of unmet needs and wishes in relation to that specific conflict/connection.

    And to comment on this:

    Now come on Milla, think up another snappy title, and blog about your needs! Before you get involved in _another_ conflict, which exhausts you and makes you ill (or iller?). Yes, you more than most need to learn this, I’d say. Anyway you’ll get more accomplished this way, once you learn best how to win others’ cooperation – instead of alienating to the point where cooperation is the last thing on others’ minds!

    I sure would like to get to a point where it would be possible for me to speak in a way that would feel non-threatening to others and yet fulfilling my need for self-expression, authenticity and self-respect :p

    I’m not really in a ‘snappy’ mood. I’m mourning the past and I’m mourning the present. And trying to get real about what changes I can make happen in the near future. I need rest. And I need to start taking care of myself. I’m trying to figure out what concrete requests I could make to myself.

    Take care,
    milla

  3. You would like to find a way of relating to others which is more ‘connecting’, at the same time as not losing sight of or sacrificing your needs for self-expression, authenticity and self-respect? (I presume you mean you’re not planning on giving up your ideals in that process? 🙂 )

    Anyway, I suppose, that might help you towards other needs of yours for rest, and taking good care of yourself, body and soul?

    And now you mourn, that you have lost some time and opportunities in forming more connecting relations with some others? Would you like yourself and others to recognise that you were motivated only by wanting to create fundamentally, loving, caring, tolerant environments of equality for all? However much your underlying motivation was misunderstood, or you ‘failed’ to convey this?

    Are you now wanting to ‘forgive’ yourself, for some scenarios previously that maybe didn’t work out like this, or in the way you might have hoped for?

    I was I admit slightly provocative in my last post. I certainly didn’t mean any of it hurtfully, Milla, only light-heartedly 🙂 . Really, I do of course want to try to help you get to the bottom of your frustration and dissatisfaction/s, and am glad to try to do that. 🙂

    I am heartened and encouraged, seeing that you can do just that – or so I believe 🙂

    I have no kind of official affiliation of accreditation with CNVC – the Center for Nonviolent Communication: http://www.cnvc.org

  4. perhaps b4 ‘self-empathy exercises’ you should ask for forgivness for the harm you have done to people using this blog?

    • by Milla


      perhaps b4 ‘self-empathy exercises’ you should ask for forgivness for the harm you have done to people using this blog?

      you would like to receive recognition for the impact words can have on people’s lives?

    • Hello ‘just a thought’,

      When you see Milla starting to self-heal of her own toxic anger, hurt and resentment, are you reminded that you would like relief from (some of?) your own anger, hurt, and resentment? Some of Mill’s blog posts were the occasion of your own (or others’) A, H and R? Do you want understanding of that fact? Did these result in yours and others’ alienation?

      Do you feel discomfort with the premise that Milla was ‘motivated only by wanting to create fundamentally, loving, caring, tolerant environments of equality for all’.? Are you surprised that she acted in the way she did previously?

      I invite and recommend you to try http://www.theexercise.org , to help you understand your feelings, so hopefully to start to heal from any toxic effects they have produced in you, in the same way that Milla has just been in the process of doing.

      For further info on Nonviolent Communication — aiming to introduce more peace into the world, one day at a time — go to the Center for Nonviolent Communication: http://www.cnvc.org

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