nvc – nonviolent communication

by Milla — she=he

Today’s songsFR David, Words
& Suzanne Vega, Last Year’s Troubles


In my everyday life I engage in shitty communication with other human beings:

it’s as if i’m trapped in a game where i have no way of knowing the rules, and the judgments fall down on me as a steady rain.

it’s as if i’m asking questions to the rain: “Why? What can I do? Could you tell me?” But the rain just keeps falling. mixing with my tears.”

.. as I wrote in a letter to a person calling me aggressive and pushy and saying that they don’t want to talk with me.

So, my plan this year -my only plan for this year- is to grasp the basics of nvc in practice.

Milla: Blogger and Violent Communicator.

1) What is your name?

Milla Ahola

2) Where do you live?

Helsinki, Finland

3) Are you active in the social change arena? In what way? How has NVC
been helpful to you in your social change work?

I’m a radical feminist. Anarchist. Activist. Blogger. I’ve done basic
workshops on Feminist Self Defense, Methods of Domination, Theater of
the Oppressed, Consensus .. and such. I’m not very organized. What I
do is fairly random.

Most of the time I’m in conflict with people. Which mostly makes me
feel isolated, disconnected and depressed. I guess this is how NVC
entered my life. I need some such method to be able to cope with this
‘conflict-seeking’ lifestyle of mine. I like the theory, and I haven’t
yet gotten a grip of the practice. I still blame/pass judgment and
feel blamed in interaction with others. (So I’m still very much in
pain :p )

I’ve made the decision to learn nvc -at least some- this year. So far
it has helped me in the way, that it gives me hope — and it’s enabled
me to see where I can work on myself and improve in ways I would find
useful and healing.

Pieces of my non-nvc life online >>

Blog: https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/another_scene

Couchsurfing: http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=6U54TC0

Feminist Self Defense: http://www.myspace.com/feminist_sister

4) How did you hear about this list?

5) What is your experience with NVC?

I’ve read M. Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication“, plus some
other texts, I just started reading a book on mediation. I’ve watched
videos on youtube dealing with the basic skills (how to express
observations, feelings, needs, requests).

There is a group practicing nvc in Helsinki, and I’ve just joined, but
there won’t be many meetings over the summer, and I’m eager to learn
in interaction with others, so that’s why I’ve started looking for
online communities. I hope to learn more by joining this group.

6) How can this group contribute to your life?

I hope to see and learn how nvc works in practice. As well as learn
from other sensibilities the members of this group have (since it’s a
forum for social change :.)

7) What topics would you want us to address?

Anything in general. Conflicts, and how to deal with them, in particular.

8.) Would you be willing to have your responses posted to the group as
an introduction?





Last year’s troubles they shine up so prettily
They gleam with a luster they don’t have today
Cause here it’s just dirty and violent and troubling etc.

But trouble is still trouble and evil still evil
Sometimes we wonder; is there more now, or less?
If we had a tool or could tally the handfuls
Measure for measure it’s the same would be my guess

Suzanne Vega – Last Year’s Troubles


3 Responses

  1. Sounds like you really would like to have more peace and connection in your relationships. That the conflicts that you have aren’t very satisfying, maybe, because there is no satisfying resolution. That you hope nvc will help you find more satisfaction in successfully dealing with conflict. Of course, you might very well want to avoid conflict alltogether and have peaceful, satisfying relationships.

    Focusing on your needs and the needs of the other is what one need to learn to become effective in nvc, is my opinion.

    If you were here in ecuador, you might find more people who agree with your anarchistic perspective. Or maybe there are other reasons that you find yourself in more conflict than you would wish.

    I would be curious if you find anything that I write here helpful. Hope to hear from you and wish you all the happiness that is our birthright, I should think.

    • by Milla 🙂

      I agree with what you say in the first paragraph, apart from the sentence that says “.. you might very well want to avoid conflict alltogether and have peaceful, satisfying relationships.”

      Peace is not the absence of conflict, I would instead say that I wish to find more people skilled in guiding me in the direction of focusing on needs and understanding needs better in order to be at peace with myself and be able to connect with others more satisfactory. “Peaceful, satisfying relationships” meaning people who are willing to deal with conflict in the way you described like this: “focusing on your needs and the needs of the other is what one need to learn to become effective in nvc”.

      I appreciate reading your encouraging sentences, expressing happiness as a birthright 🙂 [i agree] as well as having a look at the link you provided in your post http://www.sharingsustainablesolutions.org/ reminding me of the valuable, life-serving, loving work and solutions that many persons around the globe support with daily actions and words.

      I also appreciate that there is an understanding of anarchism and other “isms” -alternative and,or oppressed ways and cultures- being marginalized and finding it hard to exist within more dominant cultures, and it is encouraging to know there are more persons ‘out there’ sharing a similar perspective. [This is an interpretation. Sorry. Don’t know how to say it in NVC..]

      I also appreciate sentences like: “Or maybe there are other reasons that you find yourself in more conflict than you would wish.”

      Cause most often there are many “whys” behind actions, words, occurrences. Yes. There are many reasons for why I find myself in more conflict than I wish – Internal, External, Hidden and so on.

      I appreciate the healing, therapeutic effect your sentences had in my life.

      And I wish you all the love, happiness and peaceful, constructive, creative conflict that is our birthright


  2. the person writing in this thread really cares for you as a person. I am so happy to read this and your reply and your direction you have taken on your own. You are an incredibly unique person Milla. You have so much potential and I am so glad to see you examining and studying non violent communication (i am not a representative for them either and there are many things that could improve my own communications and i realize this as I’m saying this to you)and trying to alter the way you are having relationship with people. I think you just may find some personal healing in this. At least I hope you do.

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