Daniel’s latest (endless nothingness)

by Cunt Incognita, FOTZE homeless in Berlin — she=he

This is a continuation of Psycho Sexism and What? Talking with a guy with a bad habit of dominating women. This is tedious documentation of painful and real sexism in my life. At this moment. Now.

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3 Responses

  1. Hello Milla,

    I randomly came across your plight while looking around on the couchsurfing website. I recognized elements of myself in the conflict between yourself and Daniel.

    I am not a typical male in the sense that I am not aggressive and I do not speak in a sexist manner. I am conscious both socially and individually, and would like to think I am responsible as well.

    However, this has not slowed my typical male tendencies one iota. Even now my eyes wander listlessly, but I don’t often act on my initial impulses. I don’t often sleep with someone unless I know them fairly well.

    In the past, though I initially intended to deliver my promise of the moon, and that the one I am intimate with is the only person in the world at that moment. But everything changes when I am alone again and other people enter my life.

    I have realized the incredible effect this has on people I am intimate with. The only solution I have arrived at is to forewarn people shortly before sex. Some have been okay with this, and others have thanked me for the warning and heeded it, but only temporarily. This transparency has definitely helped mitigate insecurity and stress. It definitely kills the excitement and leaves me feeling kinda like a leper.

    Until about a week ago, I intentionally spent three months without more than a brief hug, and I think I may have more appreciation for intimacy now.

    Though I know exactly what you are speaking about, I do not feel the same. I honestly believe most men and women are fundamentally different. Outside of honesty, I don’t think there’s anything we can expect from our counterparts. And even then, there are things that we do not wish to reveal to people because our degrees of trust vary from person to person. I don’t think we should fight our nature- I think somewhere there exists a happy marriage between our nature and consciousness.

    The very nature of human relationships is illogical, so it makes discussions with unwilling participants especially difficult. Even if you do manage to disillusion Daniel, I don’t think it will be constructive. The awakening to what women suffer from socially was sudden and since has been very gradual. Nobody shook me awake, and if they had tried, I doubt very much that they would have taken the correct avenues to reach me. The most passionate people are the least patient, it seems, and sadly they stand on street corners with megaphones and preach the word. Anything jammed down our throats tastes bad. I admire your cause, but you need to gain the trust of others to inspire them to ask questions.

    People have always written off what they don’t connect with as crazy, stupid, typical, etc. Thinkers are always insecure about their sanity (amongst so many other things that send them spiraling into thought circles), so don’t even address those digs at your credibility. It’s the “smart” person’s way of elbowing their buddy and muttering “crazy bitch”. I think you’re right, but I also think you’re too loud. Often a whisper attracts more attention than yelling.

    Anyway, the whole point of this was to ask whether you think honesty is enough when it comes to intimacy. I don’t wanna fuck the town, but I don’t wanna feel like I can’t share consenting intimacy with anyone I want.

    I know I’m probably not qualified to comment on your situation, but I did and now I wanna know what you think.

    Thanks! iamafakeaddress@hotmail.com is active and your email will be routed to my inbox.

    (Ps keeping it anonymous because I don’t want my name published on the Internet)

    • Hi,

      I don’t know what to respond to in your writing. It is hard for me to connect with how you think and feel – how you relate to the world – and difficult for me to understand what you are talking about, from the general/vague description you give. I also don’t know how you understand certain concepts (for instance ‘aggression’ and ‘sexism’ to name a few). You say that you are ‘conscious both socially and individually’ and that you’re not ‘a typical male’ because you are not ‘aggressive’ and don’t speak in a ‘sexist manner’. Which is something I figure a self-critical, aware being wouldn’t say.

      The people I connect/communicate well with are highly aware of their ignorance, and that their interaction with others is never ‘neutral’. We exist in a tangled (and rarely openly directly discussed/addressed) web of power relations and common as well as individual trigger-landscapes, and there is no way of knowing what will set another person off. So your social and individual consciousness (whatever that means?) expressed in the text you’ve posted on this blog, leaves me feeling fairly disatisfied, confused and a little bit annoyed since i really wish to understand what others are talking about.

      You also speak of ‘nature’ and say that you believe that ‘most men and women are fundamentally different’. Which I would argue could be read as sexist statements. (What differences are you noticing? What differences do you see as ‘nature’?) You speak of ‘male tendencies’ and eyes wandering ‘listlessly’ and of ‘counterparts’ when it comes to (physical?) intimacy, which I associate to aggressive thinking in relation to objectifying others, as well as seeing others as opponents instead of as companions to share mind-, time-, and heart space with. These others are seduced and persuaded with fantasy (promises of the moon) and then ‘shortly before sex’ (meaning shortly before ‘penetration’? touching? thoughts shared of possible physical/emotional intimacy? what?) they are told that the ‘you-are-the-only-one’ game is a temporary high you achieve repeatedly in your life? [i didn’t understand this part at all, if you wish to explain yourself again, i’m here to hear you out]
      You are also – apart from telling me that I have a ‘loud’ approach and that this doesn’t go well with you – you are asking me if I (as a woman? feminist? anarchist? human being?) think it’s morally okay or ethical for you to have sex as long as you tell people you want to be intimate with that you get turned on by stereotype? monogamous? heterosexual? behavioral patterns when it comes to ‘romance’?

      You say that you know exactly what I talk about, but I can’t reflect myself in what you say. It is difficult for me to follow your thinking or what you wish to convey with your message apart from feelings of confusion and unhappiness in relation to your sexuality and sexual behavior/interaction with others?

      You say: “Anything jammed down our throats tastes bad. I admire your cause, but you need to gain the trust of others to inspire them to ask questions.”

      I am truly wishing for connection and understanding. And I am truly wishing for space where it’s possible to speak of my reality and how I’m shaken and stirred, brushed and beaten and bewildered by social interactions – in other words: I want to speak of my reality without being told that I should ‘be less’ in order for the other person to ‘understand more’. I am not here for your pleasure/entertainment/personal education. If you wish to engage with me then go ahead, but do not expect it to be on your terms alone.

      How about this: You question where your feelings of discomfort stem from in relation to hearing stories of oppression and subjugation, and that you instead of asking me and others to change in relation to you in a vague way, that you question how your natural? or: socially constructed habitual? [i believe in the latter] feelings in relation to wanting to change my and others behavior to soothe you in hearing us out, fit in in the bigger picture. The words I speak, or others speak, in desperation from megaphones or alone ramblings on street corners, or blogs, you experience as ‘jammed down your throat’, when i would say that your wish for those words to stay jammed down my throat or said differently, is experienced by me as ‘unaware privilege’ speaking: “Stay in place! Or else..” is how i hear that kind of talk and i percieve it as aggressive.
      I don’t need to do anything. I tell my story to unlistening and un-understanding un-caring ears. I ramble and rant, and I don’t expect you to understand what I’m talking about, or understand or even want to know about the role your behavior and expression play in my life, and the impact it has on me, reading the comments on my blog and once again sighing tiredly – shaking my head and muttering to myself and others: “What the hell does this mean? I don’t get it?! It doesn’t make any sense! Nobody normal ever comments on my blog!” [yes, i really think this in relation to the comments i get]

      I really do wish you would have the patience to ‘jam your words’ up and out of your throat so i would understand what it is you think you connect with in what i say [specific words – phrases and how they impact you] as well as explaining more what you mean with all you said before and why you would ask me – of all the persons in the world – this type of question.

      Even though I didn’t understand much I would like to say that I appreciate you speaking openly on your thoughts and feelings about your existence, and that you seem to have a wish to connect somehow. I’m all for interaction and exchange. Having a jam-session with desperate/passionate/confused people talking or emptying out words and feelings and thoughts until there is nothing jammed down anyone’s throat and maybe even some of the connection and understanding that i so long for in this world.

      Feel free to respond as you wish to this. Did you connect with anything I said? (Why?) Did something i say function in a disconnecting way? (Why?)

      This was my response,
      milla

  2. pps i tried to find an email address to keep the message private, but i couldn’t find one anywhere. I also tried to make a fake couchsurfing account to message you, but that didn’t work either because it has to be verified : /

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