by Cunt Incognita, VITTU in Finland — she=he
This is a continuation of this >> blog post.
There are rumors about accountability and support from Daniel and the anti-sexist men’s group. Yet to be made real. So, I poke Daniel to feel better:
And ask the guy what’s up:
I would like for her to pick a place where we can have a talk on the topics she said she was willing to discuss now – About having a meeting where we can set boundaries, and where the guy is supposed to be accountable for her actions and words.
I understand you are not okay with setting boundaries or working out a meeting space on your Facebook wall.
I hope you understand that I will continue asking you:
>>> Would you be okay with giving an example of a public space where we could talk about these things? Within a week? Please answer this question. <<< Please, do not ignore.
The men’s group have made no contact with me, and I am continuing in asking random facebook friends of yours if they could help me get in touch with you. I am tired of waiting. I’m no sleeping beauty. Just a tired feminist activist wanting to get this over with, so that I can get my mind on other things. I don’t feel okay with being ignored. You say that you are willing to compromise, and as well that you want some sort of peace. That you as a sexist man should be accountable. I don’t know what these things mean to you. I would like to have a place where I can ask you direct questions about the men’s group, how to contact them, what kind of work you are willing to do on yourself as a sexist man. What accountability means to you. What your motivation is for staying with that group. Things like that.
I found a text written in August last year, when I had come to Budapest to the meeting you said that you would have with me – talking about the abusive nature of our relationship.
This is one of those things that made me feel like i was dirt in relation to you. A nobody. A nothing that you could mistreat in whatever way you like.
Stood up (Sit down and cry for my rights)
Today was my second day in Budapest. Yesterday I made a phone call to Dani to ask about her [in my mind strange, out of the blue, stalking] suggestion written as a comment on the blog to go to the common flat. I wanted to test her. Why the hell would she write a thing like that and at the same time do every possible thing to avoid a meeting talking about the important stuff? (Not being clear about when and where. But still indicating that the possibility is there, somewhere “later”). She’s behaving like any other regular person. I don’t understand why she’s avoiding stuff that she’s said all along that she cares about? Equality – love – caring. Confronting the issues. Confronting the hypocrisy.
We spent 50 minutes on the phone. I guess the only thing we agree on, was one of the things that she said in the beginning of the call: “We won’t reach an understanding by meeting up”. Otherwise it was the usual mess of mixed messages. She doesn’t want to meet up. Because she doesn’t trust me. She feels indifferent. She sees no end to this. And can’t define what “this” is. Doesn’t want to talk with me about my experience of Everyday Male Chauvinism in our relation. She doesn’t trust me to leave her alone. She doesn’t trust herself. She’s got mixed feelings. She’s feeling bad about the blog posts I’ve written but won’t define what it is she feels upset about. She’s feeling bad about my drunken messages on facebook. She feels weird about me contacting people in her surrounding. (Even though she was encouraging me in the beginning of talking about the issue of love and poly on the forum – that I should talk with “any of her partners” about her being a caring person. Not a user… Well talking with one woman having a relation with her for 3 years, she was saying openly that Dani lies about love.) Yeah – Simply put – Dani doesn’t want to face me and the things that I want to share about our connection. She doesn’t want to help me through this.
She has no problem with making promises about connecting with the pro-feminist group in Budapest, telling them that she has abusive and violent behaviors in intimate relations. Saying that she will send a statement like this plus the statement of Ida Kankila and me. Written in English. And also sent to both me and the group at the same time so that I will know for sure that it will have reached them.
None of this happened. Instead both her and Ida [I asked her for help] seem to have the attitude that I have no right whatsoever to expect that what is said and promised will also be performed and made real in actions not just words. Stupid me for believing. Believing, and asking why it isn’t as expected, is considered to be ‘pushy’ by Ida. I’m really tired of the non-solidarity between women when it comes to men. Their power is intact.
So here I am. In Budapest. Stood up in a hardcore insensitive way. Wanting to talk about oppressive behaviors and the hurt with a guy who claims to be for the same values that all the rest in this toy-movement. If I would have been properly informed I could have made other plans. Gone to Ias or Bucarest. But instead I end up in a city. Trying to focus on giving myself real attention. Listen to my own needs. Be okay with breaking down in the middle of the street and spend 30 minutes crying like a baby on a street corner.
I doubt in many cases that people will take me seriously, but it doesn’t hurt asking for help:
And sure, I’m spiteful, and pissed off, and tired of being pointed out as the bad guy, when Daniel has all the power in the world to answer some simple questions, and Ida has all the power in the world to ask the guy why there has been no change, when 6 months ago she said this about Daniel:
I’m a woman living in Finland and I’m starting a relationship with
Daniel. At first i didn’t see anything disturbing, but then Milla who
had been in intimate relations with Daniel, contacted me.
Milla sent me the text about everyday male chauvinism and I read it.
Through Milla I also heard a lot of things that Daniel hadn’t told me
and wich I found very important things to discuss about. I felt lied
to by Daniel. Thinking what was the reason for not telling those
things. Not telling about being polyamorous was especially hurtfull
since I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship and haven’t had to
deal with the thought. I found this out though a blog Milla is
writing. Through her i heard things that Daniel had left unsaid about
past relationships. I also felt like being a tool to emprove relations
to other people.
Though there have been missunderstandings about holding important
information, he is very open to talk about these things. He recognizes
behaviour patterns so he has the power and will to chance them.
Where is that change?