by Cunt Incognita, VITTU in Finland — she=he
This is a continuation of this blog post Negotiations with a sexist man
Daniel says that we agree on something, but is not being specific with what that thing is. I don’t think the guy has a clue of what I really want and need.
I need to feel that I’m being listened to. To not be made to feel like I’m crazy — Daniel has said very often that my reality is distorted, that I’m borderline, that I have manic depression — or that I’m an evil person for speaking about what Daniel did, or what Daniel still does. I need to be believed. I need to feel safe in knowing that this will not happen to more women. That this guy is not going to continue faking women until the guy is 30-something and lonely and wondering why the hell there are no real relations in her life. Wondering why her life feels sad and empty.
I want a community that will take a stand and give support, and won’t defriend me on facebook like Karla Kylmäkoski when I asked her to help me in getting boundaries set in relation to Daniel. This woman wants to not get involved and chooses to kick out a woman asking for help, while staying connected to two guys like Alistair and Daniel who both claim that they’ve been raped by women, and that women are oppressing them.
I want Daniel to take responsibility and not use people around her as pawns in a game: Insulting women in front of other women. Or talking badly about them behind their back. Turning women against each other. Spreading rumors that leads to abusive aggressive attacking behavior from persons like Stacy, or Petya either accepting or denying the existence of sexism — both of them taking a strong stand against the woman who dares to complain.
I want for things to be normal and sane. I want to stop crying because of the deeply unjust treatment I’ve been getting, and the crushing level of dehumanization – and existence being mere survival. And the soreness of being all soft inside, wishing for warmth and love and caring where there is none. Lonely bitter crying. Fighting. Waking up day by day thinking of Hajni, or Maria, or Maxigas or Betti or whoever who simply don’t care, who simply don’t want to play fair. People who are not ready to confront each other because they don’t want “trouble” or “lose friends”. And then waking up to new nightmares, where an anti-sexist men’s group is increasing the level of disconnection by standing aside, silently watching Daniel taking an openly sexist approach towards me. Admitting to having hurt me, but not caring how I feel about that, or what I need in order to heal.
I want Daniel to go around to each and everyone of those persons within the community who told me to “ignore” or “get over it” and say what a great thing I did, when exposing the guy’s lies. That what I did is good, and that they should give me support cause I’m hurt, and they should apologize for being insensitive and hostile.
I want Daniel to not use me for loving. I want to be treated as I have a brain even though I’m still in love. I don’t want to be put in that position again where I’m listening to this man’s half-truths and outright-lies and letting my imagination make the rest up. I want to be able to love without this meaning use and abuse — callous words and actions — objectification and vicious slander. I want there to be no shame in loving. I want loving to feel safe and healing.
I don’t want love to be as it is now: A useless fight against myself.
I don’t want to be used. Never again. I don’t want to be used. To not be seen. To walk on eggshells, to end up hated and ignored. Abused.
I want for the men’s group to take me seriously in my critique. I want dialogue. I want co-operation. Collaboration. Development. I want to speak freely and feel respected.
I want to be able to say what I want without having the feeling that I’m negotiating more on Daniel’s end than on my own. Daniel wants to be left in peace, and wants to be left somewhere where I couldn’t confront her.
I want the community to care, I want the community to change into a place where it wouldn’t be possible to not get confronted. Where persons like myself wouldn’t go mad – being held back and pushed down and told to “calm down”. Where I wouldn’t feel like I need to start compromising long before Daniel has to. So that I end up with “Okay, since the community doesn’t care, and the guy won’t be held accountable, the only thing I can negotiate with is to get to an equal level of ignoring the problem: Out of Sight, Out of Mind. Deal?” This is not what I really want. But since there is no care. Then boundaries is the only thing I have the power to negotiate, cause the community won’t support me in my needs, and the only power I have is to show how unbearable it will be not having boundaries. I can’t live with having this guy walking around pretending as nothing happened. Pretending to be a victim. Pretending to be for change. I don’t want to live with that lie in my face. And since I have no power to change the community, to change the rules of the game, there I am, listening to Daniel, hearing the man saying: “I want the same thing as you do”. No Daniel. You don’t. Cause I want change. But I know I can’t make you do that. I know where the power is. I’m not ignorant like you. I know I have to start compromising long before you even start thinking about it.
This blog post continues >> HERE.