by Cunt Incognita, VITTU in Finland — she=he
I started sending friend requests with messages to make it clear to Daniel that I want some boundaries set and that it would be beneficial for the guy to stop ignoring me.
“I want to work out boundaries with you. And I want to do it in a public space. Your facebook wall would be a place I would be comfortable with doing that. I would mention no situations names places. Nothing. Only talk about where you can go and where I can go so that I can feel safe. You say you want to put this behind you – move on – this is a good way for you to do this.”
The guy clicked “deny”, so I tried again:
And again.. Trying to get the message through:
I’m really curious what kind of anti-sexist therapy Daniel was teaching in her workshop on International Women’s Day. “Ignore, ignore, ignore..?”
This is Daniel’s response subject line “Offer”:
” i wrote this letter a while ago and had to wait for almost two weeks so that all the mens group members approve… sorry for that…
Milla reading your letter (three weeks ago) makes me think we could both have what we wanted (i agree with your description of what we want). At the last pro-feminist therapy session we had on the 28th of February the group talked about transparency and accountability. I received hard, but just criticism for my behavior in relation to you. I personally as a part of such a group and as a sexist man have a responsibility in being accountable for the things i said and acts i have commited. Other members of the group agreed that we should give a collective answer to you regarding group policies that came into question. Some members of the group (5 if i remember correctly including XXXXX XXXX who would like to moderate if accepted) would like to attend a mediated meeting between us if possible. So my proposal is to start negotiating: lets agree to a meeting where we could set these boundaries that would help us move on. I would like to read through some of the correspondence we had to prepare factually. So it could be after the middle of March. How do you feel about Budapest as a meeting place? You should find some people you feel comfortable with. I can ask XXXXXX if you want me to since she was mentioned in your letter.
I am also willing to make compromises. As you said we have a common goal: peace.
” what letter?
what do you agree with? formulate this with your own words.
I DON’T TRUST YOU,
I DON’T FEEL SAFE WITH YOU !!
I WANT THIS TO BE DONE IN A PUBLIC SPACE.
I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE PRIVATE CONTACT WITH ME. ”
Plus some additional thoughts:
It’s become clear to me that there is a conflict within the group, and that Daniel has – after the meeting February 28th – had a workshop on anti-sexist therapy which to my understanding SOME MEN DISAGREE WITH. And yet in this response Daniel speaks as a “we” to me: the woman who is in need of support in relation to this man’s sexist behaviors. “Other members of the group agreed that we should give a collective answer to you regarding group policies that came into question.”
I do not see how Daniel would be a person capable of taking part in this collective answer on group policies when it is clear to me that there is a BIG disagreement with Daniel doing workshops on antisexism on her own.
“Some members of the group (5 if i remember correctly including XXXXX XXXX who would like to moderate if accepted) would like to attend a mediated meeting between us if possible.” I do not trust the group’s methods and I do not trust that it would be a pleasant experience for me to be in a group of men who, for about 5 months, have stood by silently while I’ve been asking for help and Daniel has been giving sexist abusive response –> in full view of these men. Also that I would not feel comfortable having a meeting with these men, who I have no idea of what level they are at with self-reflecting on their own behavior, and what understanding they have of the effect their actions or non-actions have had on my psychological, emotional state in this conflict. (I am not well as I write this.)
I have some tough criticism on how this group works. And I see their methods as highly DAMAGING and INEFFECTIVE. As well as COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE, REINFORCING the sexist behaviors of some men (and I would include Daniel amongst ‘some men’).
The way things are working at the moment I see nothing good coming out of this meeting, as Daniel formulates it: “We the anti-sexist group” meeting me “the woman”.
And from my understanding of what is going on with Daniel and XXXXXX at the current moment — I don’t see why another woman hurt by and manipulated by this man’s sexism would be there as “support” for me. I see this as yet another messed up power game and lack of empathy for the “victims” on Daniel’s behalf.
I want to have direct contact with men from the group, and see how I feel about speaking with them before I decide anything. I don’t want to have private contact with Daniel, because of the manipulative nature of our dead-end relation.
And once again. Daniel is not my only problem at the moment — I see big structural flaws in the way of organizing within this group and I’m highly worried about a man in this non-transparent group not only having access to but also supervising a women’s group. And I would like to address this power relation. So the idea of me meeting up with “the group” [Some members of the group (5 if i remember correctly including XXXXX XXXX who would like to moderate if accepted)] and having XXXXX XXXX, the supervisor of the women’s group there moderating, I see as a potentially harmful constellation until the rest of the power relations have been sorted out (the groups non-responsiveness, transparency, the standpoint of the individuals of the group in relation to the group, decision making within etc)
I hope for some quick response to this.
I sent this link to Daniel to be clear with my response.
Since Daniel made the proposal of starting negotiating, I figured we should work out what space to talk about common rules. We both seem to agree that private is no fun. So far the only concrete suggestion has been on my side: Daniel’s Facebook Wall.
It’s kind of difficult to talk about things and agree on things if I don’t even know what it is Daniel thinks we agree on, or where we’re supposed to discuss the matter ??
“How can I respond to you in a public manner? If you leave your Facebook wall open, then I could reach you there with questions. Like: Will you pass on my response to the men in the group? There is no clear communication with the men’s group. So far there has been no response from them. It seems like you only spend time talking about me, not to me.”
This continues with Out of sight, out of mind: Negotiations with a sexist man.