FAQ in Berlin

by Cunt Incognita (Fotze in Berlin) [she=he]

this is an emotional stamp of the frequently asked questions that mark my life at the moment. a speaking, and letting go, a stress release, a way of setting things in order.

i don’t know what i want. i don’t know what would make me happy — real — alive. satisfied.

I’m in Berlin. There are three workshops taking place within ten days in February. Yesterday evening was the first one on Perpetration of sexual assault within communities, and possible ways of dealing with it.

It was held at a new Infoshop called FAQ Infoladen.

F. feministisch , feminist

A. antisexistisch, antisexist

Q. queer

The opening of the place has been delayed because of the cold winter and the not so well functioning heating system. There are still people working on fixing it up.

Even if the place had no skulls, and was far from the usual gloomy, dirty, beer-smelly, Punk, Nazi-fearing-hate-the-police Leftist Stronghold-Hangout — It still felt more like Subculture Space than a place for Societal Change: Queer, Pink, Pastel, Heartfluffy, Shaved head-Hoody-Piercing, Genderbender, Clean & Tidy Chique. White & Young.

And here’s the address for people interested in finding out more 🙂

Blog in German: http://as-laden.info [as = antisexist; laden = shop, as in infoshop]

Street Address: Jonasstraße 40

I’ve been doing the usual thinking. When walking around in the city, hating it, feeling displaced, alone, lost. Dirty streets, with dirty snow. Houses, Shops, Churches. Cars. The sound of cars. A city like any other. And I’m the same too. Same thoughts.

The anger I feel over Daniel and her hurtful sexist behaviors. The anger I feel for feeling love for such a person. A man so openly hateful and selfish. So twisted and manipulative. Preying on the care of women. The lack of sisterhood.

The anger I have towards all of those who put pressure and demands on me to explain and prove where the hurt is in their actions and words. The lack of community. The silence I’m met with by the people involved in making loud statements on the wrongs of this world. — The inconsistencies within the scene. “Another world is possible: And we know how!” The silence and glossing over differences. — I want to find places and people where I can feel accepted as I am. People who would be capable of mirroring me in a non-prejudice way, and instead of diminishing, nourishing the qualities that make me different from the regular dumb – numb – humdrum. I don’t want to be in constant struggle with everything around me. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to trust and believe without this being naive instead of Normal.

I have a dozen of blog posts that I for some reason feel I should write. But life just keeps on happening, and I can’t find the peace to collect my thoughts and press them into clear sentences. Sentences met with scorn on this very blog. Read without understanding. Without care. By people who hate. Why do they read? Pointing finger and saying “crazy” is their idea of fun?

I don’t know what I want. I want the hatred to stop. But I don’t know how. Yesterday I saw a fox wandering around in the city. I followed her for a while. I’ve never been that close before. She seemed used to humans. Probably hungry. A hungry fox followed by a numb human being. Not knowing what I need to be satisfied. Community has turned into an empty word. If it can be used by persons like Daniel, community has lost its meaning. On her couchsurfing profile she’s speaking of how important it is to create a “community atmosphere”. Under the category ‘Philosophy’ she says: “i live my life to enjoy it… as any other human tries to… this is only possible in a caring, communal environment (according to me)” And at the same time – just a few paragraphs below – she finds it so easy to say, when speaking about me: That woman is crazy. Don’t listen to her. Please ignore.

I came to Berlin to learn from the discussions and workshops taking place during these ten days. I will try to get some sum-up of the main points made. I’m hoping to get some ideas to create my own workshops, not only limited to sexualized assault and abuse, but as well include the type of domination — Everyday Male Chauvinism — that men like Daniel expose women to within the community. I don’t want it to be possible to have women falling between the cracks, just having to take the word of the oppressor that they’re “working on it”. I want a network of real live human beings who care. But community will continue to mean Nothing as long as Daniel – the perpetrator – is the one who gets to decide what a caring, communal environment feels like.

If there was a community, I wouldn’t feel so tired. — I would not feel this Tired. And it wouldn’t feel so meaningless speaking. I would feel that my words had meaning to others. Instead there’s walking on hard dirty snow. The sound of cars. And my own thoughts. My reality being deep inside of me. There’s no space made for it elsewhere.

I’m your hell I’m your dream
and everything in between

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