Looking 4 Romance (Everyday Male Chauvinism)

by Milla [she=he]

The minutes that we missed
The idle lips that should’ve kissed
Are now gently together
The first kiss lasts forever

Hmm. I spent a week in Finland. Mostly indoors. Outside it’s snowy. It would be romantic, if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve been in cold places for a month before. Big dirty factory halls. Cleaning dust that never went away. For the COP15. Trying to get the sleeping places ready. I was looking for a similar experience as with G8 in Rostock, 2007, where i came early to one of the convergence centres (spaces where activists come together and get info on what’s going on). I had a nice flow that time. Making a women only room. Getting sexism talked about. Everyday announcing a meeting at the end of the morning plenary for the people interested in doing some anti-sexist work in the place. We got Stop-Cards put all over the old school building we were in. To raise awareness of the fact that we are not “all friends” or that that there is no truth in saying that there are “bigger and more important things to [put ALL the] focus on”. Doing workshops on Methods of Domination, and getting people to get a meeting together when one group had been making a big mosaic outside the place: A Star. With the hammer and sickle in the middle, causing unrest and commotion. Some masculinist Anarchist, pissing in territory by spraying a big black “A” on it. The type of anarchy that destroys and puts itself on top of the other – not creating alternatives. “Smash this” “Fuck that”. Finally I got some people to set a time and place to talk it through. And apparently it was a nice sharing conversation people had had. Sitting in a circle, talking about symbols. The meaning of symbols. I wasn’t there. Was doing a workshop on feminist self-defense.

One woman was making big beautiful paintings in the place. The meeting space had one with a big wave coming down on the meeting space in Heiligendamm. I remember being exhausted. Not drinking enough water. Not sleeping very well. I’m a light sleeper. I’ve learnt to bring ear-plugs with me now 🙂

This time I came early as well. Was hoping to get my broken heart and my over-active mind focusing on something else. Was hoping to meet interesting people. Hoping to get into a flow, when it feels like everything just falls into place, one thing following the other. Instead I ended up being in cold empty spaces, waiting for the build up, and all of a sudden a whole bunch of people around, and then it was over (!) I regret somehow that I came so unprepared of that the whole thing was unprepared. I spent time at meeting after meeting after meeting. Even a couple of process meetings – where we were all good at playing Machine. The word “Process” always gets me thinking Kafka. Just something weird that’s going on around me, and I try to figure it out, but I can’t. And then I realize that I was there all the time. And I was feeling all the time. And I didn’t get to know anybody. Didn’t understand why they were there. No clue of the magic powers to play with around the table. Instead I end up an observer. Not even opening my mouth to say the most basic thing: “Hey, cool to meet you all. So. Let’s have a round where we say whatever we feel like saying about ourselves, and how we’re feeling at the moment and – why we’re here.” I could go to meetings and just say Nothing. And then ending up frustrated about the domination and weirdness going on. Well. More on that later – my experience with the COP.

Now there are other subjects more urgent. Also related to being there in Copenhagen. One man who I was working in the same spaces with, but we didn’t talk much. Still there was a feeling of familiarity. Seeing the same faces around. And at some point the guy was taking physical contact in a.. well, childish way. Putting her hand on my head, and just smiling, and playfully shaking it. Or after washing her hands putting her wet hand against my arm. Maybe this time in a more asking way. This was before the more childish, playful way of touching. I was talking with another man about it, who was saying that maybe it was, because of not wanting me to think it’s something sexual.

And then my mind just got stuck on that. And all the other things that come with it. The horror I still was going through with a messed up, twisted love-affair with Dani, where I currently had to respond to Pre Kaarina falsely accusing me of rape. Going to a mass-event was my way of getting my mind on something else… I had made the decision not to go to Hungary to meet with Dani to try to talk through the things that left me damaged. Cause she doesn’t care. And doesn’t love. Instead she openly admits that she’s sexist and continues abusing more women. It hurts. And still being in love. Not wanting to have my whole mindspace taken up by this person. Not to go there again to talk. Anyways the possibility of a mediated talk with this guy turned into the usual farce of the guy being a sexist jerk. Telling lies about me coercing her to sleep with me. And me being told I “raped”. [In fact this morning – again having a pointless hateful talk with Pre Kaarina on the forum. She has decided that all the lies she’s told about me, are for my own good, and that I’m an evil person for not wanting to be friends with a person who can’t admit when she’s gone too far, or that she’s done something wrong. She’s gone just as brutal and raw as the social center crowd. “Burn the witch!”]

Aah! I was escaping the whole Dani thing, and then the guy came kicking me in the head over and over again. So I was happy when I felt — attraction. But also sad. For so many reasons. Awareness of myself. My own heteronormativity [“wanting” or “preferring dick” as Antti would put it..] Lookism. [Liking people with the “right” size, and “right” shape – according to normative “beauty”-standards]. My own incapability of just bringing it up. Saying something. Not wanting to, because of my own assumptions that the guy wouldn’t understand what the hell I was talking about when I stand there all red and lustful wanting to talk about Attraction and Heteronormativity and Lookism.

One night I even cried. Because of having this sad experience with Dani, incapable of dealing with her sexism. She’s also “Burn the witch!” Me just being so fucked up and scared about touching a guy, cause of not wanting something similar happening again. Feeling envy. That Dani easily can go on. Touching. Not caring. Abusing. Not listening to me. Once again alone with my reality.

So. I got closer. With this man. Saying hello. Smiling. Just sharing looks feeling nice. And then gradually getting to hug. Last time it was obvious to me. Me just blurting out: “I’m attracted to you!” When she’s holding me. A short exchange about this being “good or not”. Trying to say that this isn’t easy for me. Cause there are so many political issues involved. The guy clearly disagreeing – “It’s natural!” I don’t know where that conversation would have went. Natural as in biological? (Hopefully not that talk again. “Pussy and penis” talk..) We never got into that. Instead she asked if she could kiss me. And I just rub my face against hers. Later we touch hands.

The word “natural” got me thinking of a Crowded House song. I’m indoctrinated by media. As Dani would say, i have it all stored in the “spam part” of my brain:

It’s only natural that I should want to be there with you
It’s only natural that you should feel the same way too
It’s circumstantial, it’s nothing written in the sky
And we don’t even have to try

But we’ll be shaking like mud, buildings of glass
Sink in to the bay, they’ll be under the rocks again
You don’t have to say
I know you’re afraid

It’s only natural that I should want to be there with you
It’s only natural that you should feel the same way too
It’s circumstantial, it’s something I was born to
It’s only natural, can I help it if I want to

And at the same time the guy was humming along to another song from the early 90’s

Yeah..
All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
and a poom-poom - JUST SHAKE YA RUMP

Yep. That’s Wreckx’n Effect’s “Rump Shaker” if anybody remembers that one.. Not so romantic 😛 [or maybe it could have been MIA “All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG! — And KA-CHING! — And take your money“, they kind of sound the same.. even though the mumbling humming singing sounded more like the first RS version]

I’m totally indoctrinated by hetero-romance BS. And still. Even though I know it’s brainwash. The scene with the kiss in the beginning of this post. I want it. It’s like wanting peace on earth or some other completely ‘impossible’ thing. They never talk about sexism in those films. It’s all innocent, and only “does she like me or not?” It doesn’t get any more complicated than that.

I’m still sick. Probably from staying out in the cold and being in dusty environments for so long. Coughing a lot. Felt really weird and mental being back in Finland. Cultural clash with the autistic culture where everybody just wants to be alone. I’ve turned a bit Finnish myself i guess. Not so easy to access. Scared i guess. Scared of human contact.

And still. Even though there’s a profeminist men’s group that Dani is involved with in Budapest that won’t reply to myself, Julian and Cellycel asking about what their policy is on having an angry feminist woman wanting to confront an un-caring sexist guy on shit she should have dealt with a long time ago. And me writing to the group and asking what happened with the life-saving text I’m now pushing like crazy. Everyday Male Chauvinism describing the type of abuse Dani put me through, giving words to my reality (I was so lost!) a text that I’ve linked to on this blog several times, is no longer online. First the pdf file disappeared, and now the html version is gone too. I’ve been writing to the group. But I don’t really trust them to answer.

Stayed up all night. Copying a downloaded pdf onto this blog. Took several hours. But the end result looks readable. And now I can link it to this post. Wanted to pass it on to a woman on facebook. Think everybody should read it. Kind of basic knowledge. To avoid a lot of ignorance and hurt.

So here I am. Dreaming and hoping and wishing for romance. When reality looks more like the thing below.

The tip of the ice-berg. Men's violence against women come in many forms.

Everyday Male Chauvinism - The base of it all.

And here’s a link to people just as naive as in the film-clip. For people who believe in love and want to practice it safely. CLICK HERE for Everyday Male Chauvinism:

https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/read-this/about/everyday-male-chauvinism/

Something I painted myself in the meeting space of the school building in Rostock, 2007.