by Cunt Incognita (Fisse in Copenhagen)
Sitting at the main library in Copenhagen. Mechanical stairs making noise in the background. Tears in my eyes, when I once again choose the path that most often leads to silence and rejection of dialogue.
I don’t want glossy surfaces. Friendships based on keeping my own feelings and needs and thoughts and ideas and fears and wishes secret from others. Political networks where we connect with one another depending on what we can “get”.
I want full freedom. If this comes with putting my insides out there to be ridiculed and spat at – then this is what I will do. I refuse to live in a straight-jacket. I refuse to do as I’ve been told.
A letter to Lotte and Roger (two persons in an intimate relation) with my thoughts and feelings on Dani’s way of relating to her intimate relation with Lotte, and also how she relates to Roger, and me wondering how Lotte and Roger relate to Dani and how they relate to me.
for me it’s just really weird that dani(el) gets to do whatever weird things with people and there’s seemingly no reaction to it. i feel like i’m beaten up by the guy psychologically and emotionally and people are just watching – carrying on with their lives.
anyhow. when we, the four of us, met in helsinki i felt the guy had this really nasty exclusionary attitude towards you Roger. i told her (dani) about it. that she was making jokes about your english and the words you were using. behaving like a bully. felt like somekind of macho game. she said she talked about it with you later. dunno in what way though. cause usually she ends up dominating situations.
and also that dani has made comparisons with you Roger and tried to paint herself as less macho than you. saying that you don’t take Lotte’s needs into consideration (dani herself has huge problems with not being sensitive to other peoples needs – even when they are spoken out loud). she’s saying about your relation (Lotte, Roger) that it’s clear that you are about to break up, but that you haven’t realized it yet. and in february she passed on a text called Everyday Male Chauvinism to Lotte telling her that she should read it with you in mind (totally excluding the fact that i had told dani to read it, and that dani herself is a text book example of these domination techniques). to me this seems like macho-competition and that dani is trying to “maneuver” you Roger out of a relation with Lotte (“get rid of the competition”). to me it doesn’t seem like that guy is trying to help your relation out – and have deep and cool and soul searching talks where you guys (Roger and dani) are sharing whatever male supremacist behaviors you have in relation to women in intimate relations.
i feel dani is not very cool with the concept of polyamory. first of all the way she tricks people into it (like making out with you Lotte in vilnius when you were drunk) in the beginning that’s what dani was talking about all the time, that she hadn’t had sex in ages and that you seemed like you wanted to whenever you were drunk, and that dani just needed to convince you about this poly-thing being the “right” thing to do. (to me it seems like “poly” to dani means that dani gets to do whatever she wants, without taking responsibility nor accountability for her actions and words.)
the talk that you, and i had in berlin, Lotte – seemed to me like we shared similar feelings and patterns with this guy. how she abuses our care, but when it comes to equality issues the guy is swift in using whatever possible manipulative move to toy with our self-esteem and make us think that “this is not a real relation” and therefor the issues we have are not important and should not be sorted out.
it’s just so nasty. that the guy has now been saying really weird stuff about me almost raping her (which i totally disagree with, and i would like to be able to get face to face with her and tell her these things). and still both of you are in contact with this guy as if everything is normal. (at least this is how it seems like to me)
which leads me to the following question. could we have a talk on this on skype? or live sometime in the end of december or january?
please answer as soon as possible, cause i’m trying to take care of my mental health, and having gone through this whole madness (and being so crazy in love) was a bit more than i could deal with. i feel i need to cut off contacts in relation to this, cause this fight just gets too up close and under my skin and has been going on for too long with no clear structure or support.
so. please please. come with a quick reply.
and take care,
ps. i will publish this mail on this blog. using other names.
ps2. just as a lot of actions and words and non-actions and silence can be triggering to me. i understand that a lot of things can feel uncomfortable to you. i hope we share an understanding of the different realities we live in, and that we really need to make an effort to point out our soar and sensitive spots to one another. — this whole thing was just me writing from my heart about things i find difficult to live with and have a need to deal with in order to feel okay in relation to you.
A piece made by “Pure Evil”:
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