by Cunt Incognita (Pyzda in Vilnius)
This blog post was written after yet another tiring talk with Petya, who previously said she’s okay with having any conversation published on this blog. It ended with her – as usual – promising to deal with my personal matters ‘later’. After she’s finished dealing with the real important POLITICAL stuff. Apparently until all injustice in the world has been fought, she will not have time to deal with this ‘private hate thing’ of mine [wanting to confront Dani on her sexism] that I seem to be stuck with all by myself.
In this last conversation at least she came out – fully admitting that she sees no sexism in Dani’s behavior. And that she as a (male) feminist has a right to make that judgement and shush me up until she finds an appropriate time slot between making quizzes and fighting important political struggles.
This is not the first conversation we’ve had on this matter.
This blog post was written as a response – in order for there to be a place where she can later deal with some of the questions I’ve brought forward. Let’s see how long it will take this time to get a reply..? The comment-slots are empty and waiting.. 🙂
So. I’m sick shit of everything. I have good moments. Here and there. Talk and meet with sane and aware people. But most of the time it’s: Conflict.
Dani – the sexist asshole who’s been writing on this blog – is still in Male Supremacist Heaven. Avoiding all accountability for any harms done to women, while at the same time continuing doing harm. I tried to speak with a recent victim, but she’s chosen to “kill the messenger” and I can’t deal with that attitude anymore. That whenever a lie told by Dani comes out in the open, I’m being targeted as the reason for the bad feeling (by just delivering the truth..) Even though that relation started with us meeting, and the woman openly saying that Dani says “mean” things. And confuses her – avoiding to answer questions. For instance not telling anything about having abusive patterns in intimate relations or omitting the fact that she’s involved with several women. Anyhow: We’ve now reached a point of common interest. Not feeling okay in the connection and breaking it off. (I can’t live with denial. And – apparently – this woman is not ready to face the ugly truth.)
I had a nice talk with another woman, also intimately involved with Dani, we shared a common ground somehow. Both been in love and duped. This woman had recently spent three weeks with Dani who during this time tried to convince her that she would be creating a “hierarchy” between another man/love interest and Dani if she would choose to be friends (and not lovers) with Dani. This really reminds me of the same arguments used by the two sectish men moving around in the same social scene as Dani in Budapest – promoting that children should have sex with one another, and that women should share physical intimacy with all and everyone [read: men..] otherwise they would be “unfair” and “create hierarchies” and “oppression against men”… I guess strip joints and pornography is all about equality then.. using the same arguments..
Dani also added the dimension of emotional pressure: That either this woman works on being “fair” or there’s no relation whatsoever… Cool guy, huh?
[this was my understanding of our conversation. after asking the woman if she felt misinterpreted in this blog post text she said that – as she had understood Dani – that Dani opposed being called “friend” because she sees “friend” as being lower in the relationship hierarchy, and she feels degraded being called “friend”. Dani wanted to be seen as having an intimate relation with this woman on its own terms, not in hierarchy to the relation that the woman is having to the other man. <comment by the woman: i was also talking about an intimate relation of some sort. but for me it wasnt a problem calling it just ‘friendship’> and yes, Dani was putting pressure on her to not call her “friend” and not to in general choose to put the relation to the other person in front of the relation to her. this woman was trying to make clear that it was not in relation to ‘getting sex’, and didn’t think that Dani’s logic could be compared to the ‘budapest sex sect men’. and adding my own note on Dani’s way of relating to the relation between this woman and the other man has been to state that that relation looks like the typical relation where they are about to break up – that “they just don’t know it yet”. and in february this year Dani was passing on the Everyday Male Chauvinism text, telling this woman she should read it in relation to the other man – never bothering to tell her that Dani herself are having problems with the same type of behavior described in the text…]
Any objections on calling this guy out on her shit?
— Yes! Plenty!
This is once again seen as a personal a-political private matter where the truth on abuse is not seen to be told in order to improve and develop and heal but instead is interpreted as “hate” and “blame” and “attacks” coming ‘out of the blue’ — No-where… Apparently I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about. Dani is claiming that my reality is “distorted” and an “avalanche of bullshit”. And when speaking with other love interests she plays innocent and gives hints on this being all about me being jealous and rejected…[No Dani. This is about you not wanting to talk about sexism!]
Whatever it takes not to have to deal with it for real.. Always easier to blame the shit on the person trying to get some serious discussion going..
hello. just checking. that you got the mail?
with the questions in the last chat?
you said you would answer.
didn’t receive any answers yet.
(concerning that thing with sexism and oppression going on within this “circle of friends”)
and i hope you are not ignoring me now because you assume that i’m asking this in the “wrong tone”.
cause that just makes you look really unsupportive of this.
Milla i’m don’t ignoring YOu. I’M sitting in front the computer 10-15 hours daily and working on the festival, and beside that i’M responsible for some other actions. we had a screeing in the Infoshop related to Global Day of Climate Change Actiom- http://www.350.org, next week we are making some direct actions related to international vegan action week-so please be patienet with me 🙂
you promised to answer questions many times.
you’ve lied to me.
i’ve been VERY patient
and you were really diminishing in the last chat.
saying that you can’t talk with me because
i’m speaking in the “wrong way”
when you are totally emotional hiding and lying.
you will always come up with some excuse not to talk this through.
you will always come up with pitiful excuses not to answer my DIRECT questions, and make it seem like it’s MY FAULT that YOU are not answering..
or will you?
soory. I’m t”ravelling” to my vacation cca. 2,5 months, so i’m stocked here ’cause my work.-i’m crazy busy, sorry. But you can missunderstand it, if you want, but i’ll now really silent, ’cause have crazy deadlines now. Then i will reply to YOur mail with question. To that i say, hello-not cause i don’T like you(cause i like you) but because i am crazy busy. Hello, see you as soon as possible.
will you deal with this with the seriousness that this requires?
and im sick of being treated like this.
then you can helpme with the festival preparation. There is lot of work and lot of people who needs a care-you can youse your energy and creativity….
are you saying that you will only care about sexism if i “sleep with you”?
just come out with it. you are sexist. and dani is sexist. and you are not bothered by it. and you don’t really care.
dani STRANGLED a woman
but we didn’t slept together…i’m don’t use sleep with people with who we aren’t in serious relatiohship, etc….this example is out of my practical life, can threat it just with some empaty, but no experience with this kind of truth
dani strangled a woman and you dont really care..
because i try to care
1, for my fauls and stupidity
maybe it’s a language problem?
do you understand that word “strangle” what it means?
2, i am related in the ngo who cares for political opressed people and this involvance took a majority of my time and energy
you’re lying about you caring about this. and i’m sick about your blaming attitude.
3, if i have some time-energy remains, i’m going to working in some social projects-caryyin for poors/homeless
hi 5-ing dani..
nd 4, organizing festival ’bout that lifestyle
you just made a quiz on how well you know dani. why did you take time to do that. and what was the purpose of that?
why is dani’s abuse of women and me my own personal problem?
5, and don’t have time for my own “personal life”…and really don’t feeling myself as the able person for “smashing” Dani with you, cause 1, i have total different point of view related Dani. Soory. I really like you, but at that question we have a really diffrent point of wievs, and now i have to going back to blogmaking. Have a nice day, i hope, that i can ansver to your mail soon.
shouldn’t all other oppressioni also be everybody’s individual problem.
“When a person of privilege is accused of having been negligent (or racist, or sexist, or…), a classic move we often see is the accused dissolving into sobs. They will berate themselves, they will proclaim how terrible they feel, they will soak your t-shirt with their tears. In other words, instead of owning up for whatever they did and focusing on the pain they caused – and how to reduce it – they completely focus on their own pain. In fact, they revel in it.”
you are full of bullshit
you’re sooo full of bullshit
Milla i guess, that i have a right to decide how many time and how many energy know to put in several things. I am sorry, i am really very busy know. I understand You, and know that YOu are fighting for very important reasons, but eventually(for example tiday) i’m unable to particitae on this.) I would like ti ask you for tolerance the habit of “my ” virtual space-as my facebook wall is. It’s place for communication with my loved ones-no place for fights, anger, hate. Please tolerate it,and solve you hate towards Dani on other space-if it’s possible without me. Just because i observed, that you are hating him, and i don’t want to participate on shareing the hate. But you have a right for it. this you r life and Your responsibility. SO: now i’m really going back to working, please tolerate it, and accept my ask related to my facebook wall. Thank You, let see each other after the finishing my crazy working period.
Are YOU okay with her strangling a woman?
you still haven’t answered this question.
it’s a REALLY simple question.
strangle means to put your hands around a persons neck and squeeze until they can’t breathe anymore.
(i would call strangling hate. wanting to talk about it and prevent this kind of stuff = LOVE)
i would call ignoring the seriousness of this = HATE
it’s a peace based on men having a right to abuse women
for women that doesn’t mean peace
why are you not answering that simple question? would it make this oppression too real to you?
this is not a pretend game anymore. it’s not like that state or government being able to promise peace love and properity. “just trust and believe”
you just denied sexism.
and you don’t seem to be willing to explain why you don’t see any sexism.
that’s kind of bad…
ok. if you will taking out of the my responsibility for the projects here, i promise you, that i will have more than enough time for wondering and writing about sexixm in theory and practice. But this is abut my health Milla. I’m working very lot, please tolerate it, and don’t make a situation when i will forced to really ingnoring you. I like you, but i have to working now. I’m on this facebook now ’cause i’m “negotiationg” with some voluntary groups and one movie producer guy here. I will search for You when i will time and energy. Can we agree like this? As two nice, responsible presones. Without agression, with acept and tolerance to personalitys and schedule and personal freedom of each other?
you are shutting a feminist woman up by stating that there is no sexism and that you can say that because you are a FEMINIST..
not a very feminist thing to do..
you are FULL OF AGGRESSION in your behavior. DENIAL the harms of sexism. DENIAL of the existence of sexism. that is not “liking me”. unless you see me as a pet and not an equal.
i’ll post this on the blog. and then you can take up the discussion there whenever you “have time”.
fucking denying sexism…
i’m sick of this constant disrespect.