About: Ass-kicking and Butt-holes (Dani)

by Milla

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. AA-aaa-ah! Sigh. Having all this butt-kicking material (photos and films) and lacking the technological know-how in re-sizing and uploading causes me to spend hours in front of this idiotic screen not getting anything done. Should find a geek. Get it done in a few seconds instead of going through the same procedures several times just to find out: Didn’t work this time either!

So. Instead comes this: Cleaning out some mental garbage. About conflicts in general. And the weirdness with the conflict in Budapest recently with Dani, not wanting to talk (not very unusual) but us both behaving kind of childish. And weird.

Seeing each other maybe 4 or 5 times at different occasions. Strange communication. Strange talk. Strange way of relating. Me writing things on a kitchen wall, drawing tears on my face. Me behaving like an angry child, holding a bottle of water above her head, when she’s putting her shoes on. She farting obsessively [apparently flatulence doesn’t always save the day..], touching her chest (breasts) in some weird way. Throwing caps and pieces of paper and whatnot. Like a kid wanting attention. Me at some other occasion flipping the back of her head with my fingers when i pass her. She, later, looking at me, making faces for some minutes. Me changing my clothes and menstruation pad in front of her.

I don’t get this. The weirdness. Why there’s no willingness to talk. No means of communication.

And then: reluctant promises made about arranging a meeting later. Maybe: Mediation. And yet. No trust. She doesn’t trust me. I don’t trust her.

The last thing we agreed on was that she would talk with a person from the Stop Male Violence group, see if she could mediate a talk between us in October. Dani said that it would be done in the same way as the agreement about her contacting the group was made — She would write an email to this man and me at the same time. In english. — In saying that it was going to be done in the “same way” as the previous agreement made in Tampere, she admitted that she had been aware of the deal and that she deliberately broke it.

Which also makes me wonder if doing this in the same “style” means that she has no intention of following it through.

These are the things I think about when biking around in Helsinki. Wondering if the workpractice with the NVC trainer will happen, and how the 10-day Vipassana meditation session will be like. — And all the other conflicts that are there. If there will ever be ways of dealing with differing points of view and interests in non-violent and structured ways (no pre-made Laws, no Police, no Oppressive Dominant Cultures with Unwritten Rules deciding what’s Right and what’s Wrong).

And the mental garbage: Wanting to believe that there was some real attempt towards solidarity in Dani contacting me. Not wanting to be left with memories of us lying down, making out, touching, her on top of me saying, pushing her crotch against mine: “Hmm. I’m just checking what it would be like. If I would be able to kiss you if I have my penis inside.” And this in relation with her not wanting me to go to the social centre [Satama] with her, because of this “spoiling” her chances of connecting with people there. Or her having sex with a person excluding me from a part of the network in Budapest, but saying that she can’t get to talk with this person about this (?!). Not supporting me in going to the place where i was excluded from, but saying how much she loves me, and making out — kissing.

This memory of her on top of me in Helsinki. Saying this. [trying out if kisses would be possible while she has her dick in me !!] Really makes me feel like I was just some hole that she felt like testing.

A guy who talks about equality and says things indicating that she doesn’t want to have sex without deeper emotional involvement from me, and then goes on trying out sexual positions, while staying fairly distant and unsupportive when it comes to dealing with sexism. Well.

I’m prepared to get into butt-kicking position. Just like the three-year-old girl in the video above – i know what to do when there’s monsters around.

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