by Cunt Incognita, PINA in Budapest — she=he
Dani has expressed that her “mid-term” plan is to get me to leave her alone. Which makes me wonder what the long-term plan might be. [Learning how to speak in clear messages? Dealing with the pain in others caused by her own behavior, hearing them out? Maybe even: Accountability?]
I wake up in the common flat, a place where Maxigas and Hajni have had talks around the the kitchen table, with people unknown to me, about me being a threat to the common well of others (one fear that they’ve managed to spread: if I write anything about the common flat on the blog, all the Nazi’s will come and burn the place) and that I need to be excluded, pushed out. Right now they’re not here [neither the nazis nor Maxigas nor Hajni], and Dani told me to go there, so here I am. Getting in contact with people who get shocked and confused when they understand who I am. “Are you Milla?!” The person that Maxigas and Hajni have painted a demon picture of, so it gets strange for people to put the pieces together once they’re face to face with me: Just a regular human being.
Waking up and once again thinking about conflicts. Feeling it in my stomach. Wanting to crawl up into a ball, never get out of bed, just lie here until the bad things go away. Would want to feel safe and cared for. But every single movement, the thing of just existing in a space, or trying to get talks about my exclusions and the hierarchies and [in Dani’s case] sexually abusive behavior and what it has felt like, wanting to understand why she’s treated me [and is treating me] this way.
With all these conversations there is the same exhaustion and stress. A small window opening up when I’m face to face, and not just pixels that can be aggressed upon or ignored. [“Sick mind”, “None of your business”]
When I try to talk with Dani about the things that have hurt, she keeps repeating that my reality is distorted, and that she doesn’t feel listened to. Like a baby she’s crying for the attention of the more understanding Ida. Or wishing that (r) who she repeatedly contacts once a week, or once every two weeks about sorting out and developing their relation, that she would want to meet with her – a woman whose face she doesn’t remember properly after a three year long relationship. And when meeting up with her instead of listening to the harm caused by Dani – as agreed upon – Dani tries to re-engage with the her, and play mind-games with her, not really paying attention to what this person went through in relation to her. When I met with (r) she was describing the relation with Dani as “torture”.
Dani said that Ida is angry with me, and when I ask why, then she just says that I should ask myself. [And at the same time Dani is upset that I’ve contacted people Dani knows and that I’ve talked openly about my own experiences with her.] Anyways: I have contacted Ida about this. In the last message that I sent to Ida over facebook, I told what Dani had told me, and that I would like to understand why Ida’s upset with me. And that she could contact me about it if she wanted to, and that I would not send any more information about what’s going on here, since I don’t know if she’s interested or receiving it well. I said that it’s important for me to get support in what I’m doing, and that sharing the information and passing it on is exhausting me, cause I’m going through such a messed up experience all by myself without support – and I need support. It’s weird for me. The non-solidarity that is there amongst women. I guess it’s some sort of competition amongst the underdogs in the patriarchal system, of getting the precious attention and ‘protection’ of the ‘benevolent’ masters. Believing in the goodness and care and love of our own pampered masters in an existence marked by the phantom-fear of the “bad” and “crazy” Masters, somewhere ‘out there’, hiding behind bushes in the dark. [always: Someone Else. Not our boyfriends, lovers, fathers, brothers, friends. Somewhere Else. Not here, not now, not between us. Not in broad daylight and in everyday interaction. This is the story we cling onto when we suffer through life, numbed by the pain stemming from dysfunctional un-equal relations.] I felt really bad about when asking Ida about how the decision of how to contact the self-critical men’s group got changed, and also desperately asking for support from her to talk some sense into Dani about meeting up here in Budapest, as we had agreed. [the deal made in finland was: a statement written in english by Dani acknowledging abusive and dominant behavior; the addition of Ida’s and my point of view in two statements written by us, sent by Dani to the group and me at the same time before July 24. Very simple. But it wasn’t performed by Dani. Instead I had to once again send emails and ask what was happening. Not getting any answers. And in the end getting really aggressive mails about this being: “None of your business” from Dani. Telling me that I can just “go and DIY”. That I can contact the group myself. (And after I did so, she expresses clear unhappiness with my action.) It’s really horrible the level of disrespect and contempt. There’s no recognition of the hurt done.]
When I made a request for help to Ida, she called me ‘pushy’ and that I need to leave ‘time and space’. [To a guy who has continuously pushed things forward by saying “Later”?] I felt this was a really strange and aggressive thing to say to someone who had just been stood up and stranded in a strange place, getting my time wasted by this person without warning, and with the notion of getting severely ignored in my wish to get healed from the damaging behaviors that Dani is responsible for. Saying “pushy” to a woman in my situation is clearly showing that there’s something fishy about the relation with the guy, if she’s accepting the abuse towards other women this easily, and finds excuses for absolute ass-holic behavior. This in my mind means that Dani’s reality, that is calling my reality ‘distorted’, have gotten a hold in the mind and soul of Ida — not a healthy relationship, and clearly showing how conflicts will be [are!] played out between them.
Dani said in the meeting that she’s not comfortable with me writing about the guy on the blog. That she doesn’t agree with what I say.
In this case it’s my turn to repeat: Dani, go DIY.
Write your own story. Don’t get mad at me for not understanding yours when you’re not willing to express it. I am not you. And I can write about whatever I want. This is me being angry [not angry enough!] This is me being sad This is me feeling unsafe and abused This is me feeling diminished and belittled This is me feeling unseen and not listened to This is me waking up – not wanting to wake up to this existence You: Go complain somewhere else. You say people you know read this, and get affected by it. And that that’s a reason for me not to write about my experiences in relation to you. If you’re bothered by it. Then try to fix the hurt, instead of making efforts of covering it up.
If this bothers you so deeply. Just don’t read it. Do the same with this as with everything else in relation to me: Ignore Lie Twist and Distort.
Cause what I’m writing about is my reality and what I’m going through. Not your life. If you have an image problem, you have every possibility in the world to express it here on the blog. You can say whatever you want. Make a post.