Bizarre – my life, my life

by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Budapest)

A dry cunt coming to get some clarity in an abusive relation with a guy called Dani. There was an agreement to meet up and talk things through. Oppression. Equality. And all that stuff that is important for the people within the "scene". Turns out that the cunt gets stood up for a weekend at a thermal spa... This she finds out through others. Not through Dani, who claims that there's an important gathering, that she doesn't wish to share information with me about. Trying to make me feel guilty for sticking to an agreement... Today: Cried like a baby for half an hour in the street. Wondering if, how, when it will get better.

A dry cunt coming to get some clarity in an abusive relation with a guy called Dani. There was an agreement to meet up and talk things through -- Oppression. Equality -- And all that stuff that is important for the people within the "scene". Turns out that the cunt gets stood up for a weekend at a thermal spa... This she finds out through others. Not through Dani, who claims that there's an important gathering, that she doesn't wish to share information with me about. Not wanting to see this cunt around. Trying to make me feel guilty for sticking to an agreement... Bad bad cunt. I dared to show up to have the talk we said would happen... Today: Cried like a baby for half an hour in the street. Wondering if, how, when it will get any better.

Dani made a promise in Finland that we would meet up and have a facilitated talk in Budapest on August 13th 14th. Once again I’ve gone through the stress of trying to get a meeting set. She says she wants to. But just needs to figure out “when and where”. She’s full of the usual mixed messages.

Yesterday I came to Budapest after spending a day and a night on the road. I started in Timisoara in the afternoon. But discovered that I had forgotten my passport and needed to go back, and start the journey all over again late in the evening.

About hitch-hiking in Romania. It’s been working perfectly fine with small cars. No molestations. Only persons warning about not hitching night time, cause men tend to think that a woman hitch hiker is a woman in prostitution.

One Romanian said that it’s difficult to get a ride where they don’t want money. But for foreigners it’s easy. After traveling the short ride from Timisoara to Arad (50 km) I would like to generalize and recommend women not to hitch-hike with truck drivers. The first driver I was with had some weird behaviors. And after a while another guy came along. The guys were talking in between and i heard the word “sex” coming up. The newcomer were fingering my arm and asking “Sex?” after which i abruptly said no and also said not to touch. At the next possible stop I asked them to pull in to the side of the road, even though they after I had made my unwillingness to sex very clear, said that “Okay, Arad”. I wasn’t willing to continue the ride after this shitty statement.

The next guy was okay. Also truck driver. Helped me get a ride with another truck. And this guy made a stop after I discovered that I had forgotten my passport. Even before the stop there had been comments on my looks. With the language problem, i just ignored explaining how i felt about that (Romanian is similar to Italian). After we stopped, she called for a truck going back in the direction of Timisoara. But. When I was getting out. She asked if i needed help with getting the backpack on. Which i said no to. Still she lifted it and put it on my shoulder. At the same time she squeezed my breast. We were standing outside the truck. I was scared of getting full on aggressive with the guy. But i still kicked her. And tried to hit her upper body. I opened the door a few times. Banged on it. Screamed “Asshole”. Threw detergent bottles that were in a side pocket of the door. She was just smirking at me.

The plastic of the truck is fixed with a metall string. So I was pulling it out of its loops. At least that she would have to do something.

Later I figured I should have poured the detergent liquids inside the car. That would probably have made me feel better. Getting angry didn’t help. I want them to understand that I’m human and that this behavior hurts.

It just gets too much. This constant repression. Oppression. Treated as body. Available. Accessible. Treated as someone who needs to love and care and when not doing this, there are these huge defensive reactions or (as in Dani’s case) indifference. The worst thing when Im exposed to these things is the hopelessness I feel. Especially now. When Im left to recover from the wounds of Daniels behavior.

Being stood up in Budapest.

Found out today that the guy is taking the weekend off at some thermal springs on the outskirts of Budapest. She was talking about this as “arranging a gathering” of some sort… She also told me that Im not welcome. That she doesnt want to see me around. (Once again political exclusion based on personal fears stemming from prejudice).

Ive made it clear to her that i was (am) deeply hurt by her behavior. And that i would like to talk through the Everyday Male Chauvinism text with her.

She’s said a clear no to that. But that we can meet up on monday. At the common flat. She continues setting the rules. She’s had a lot of experience in how to manipulate women (told me herself that she knows that she can do it. Make a woman come up and kiss her if she wants to. Exercise willpower over another human being just for the fun of it.)

Im sitting in the stairs of the common flat in Budapest. A place I’ve been excluded from. Its a pleasant inner yard. Open with light. Far from the feeling I get from interacting with the “scene”. Once again I’m in the same position of wanting to talk things through. And in this case even fully prepared to talk through my own behavior that’s not okay.

But these politics are rejected. As well as my whole existence. I spent half an hour crying like a baby, sitting on the street, today. I just dont understand how we (women, feminists) can be treated in this manner, and have it accepted.

Dani at the thermal spring. Not giving a damn. Insane (sexism is a disease). Maybe having a nice relaxing time. While she leaves me stranded.

It’s really weird that she’s now in contact with a profeminist group that’s supposed to spend time reflecting on their male socialization… She got me to Budapest. And then changed all the rules around. And she’s trying to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

We agreed on having a facilitated meeting. We agreed on having a meeting where I would get support. She was even agreeing on having it filmed before.

Anyways. Working hard on not drinking. I’ve looked up english speaking aa-meetings. If the meeting will take place monday (unprotected without the support ive clearly stated that i need), then i will for sure go to the aa thing on tuesday. Cause it will be heavy facing the same non-understanding and superior behavior as from the ‘anarchist’ “comrade” from the LoveKills camp. As well as the truck drivers. Same difference.

Where the hell is the love?

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