by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Szeged)
So. I left Musta Pispala and Tampere (Finland). Tired of hitch-hiking, tired of cities, and houses and roads and noise [the eternal stone drilling and hole digging going on in cities!]. Tired of the scene, tired of not fitting in, tired of feeling alienated, crazy, depressed, stuck in gender patterns, tired of my own hypocrisy (had sex again [!] with a woman on the boat from Finland to Sweden on my way to Hamburg. She was going on a honey-moon trip to Denmark with her husband who had just gotten out of jail on some drug charges. She noticed the cigarette burns on my wrist and showed me her own scars. Deep cuts made on her ankles. She liked me, expressed that, and after a while checked with her husband if she would be okay with us having it off. So we walked off to have a moment by ourselves with the blessing of the husband, who was saying that she’s okay with other women, but not with men. I asked her why, but she couldn’t answer why she made this split.)
I was very drunk. Had been drinking a lot before getting on the boat. But still conscious. She had had about three beers and was offering me more. I was checking with her all the time if she was too drunk (or on something else?) she kept saying no. I don’t think it was okay that we had sex. But it wasn’t as bad as the last time when I was on the boat back to Finland. When I was with a guy. Just basically lying on my back being passed out. Gone in my head. Not remembering.
Maybe I should switch to opiates instead… (not really…) It’s really sick that I just keep on drinking to get rid of alienation and pain and end up worse than I started. I should make some comic book out of my life. Kind of like a feminist Charles Bukowski running amok… It could make my message more accessible to more people… A constant feedback I get is that the blog posts are too long. (In Spite of All the Sex and Violence!! How come?! There’s plenty of people reading the Bible – with No Pictures!)
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