The Finland Ferry (and me)

by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Szeged)

The ferry between Finland and Sweden - known as the Finland-ferry in Sweden, and as the Sweden-boat in Finland - is a great time for cultural exchange. Plenty of booze, sex and fighting and shouting. And ball bath for the kids!

The ferry between Finland and Sweden - known as the Finland-ferry in Sweden, and as the Sweden-boat in Finland - is a great time for cultural exchange. Plenty of booze, sex and fighting and shouting. And ball bath for the kids!

So. I left Musta Pispala and Tampere (Finland). Tired of hitch-hiking, tired of cities, and houses and roads and noise [the eternal stone drilling and hole digging going on in cities!]. Tired of the scene, tired of not fitting in, tired of feeling alienated, crazy, depressed, stuck in gender patterns, tired of my own hypocrisy (had sex again [!] with a woman on the boat from Finland to Sweden on my way to Hamburg. She was going on a honey-moon trip to Denmark with her husband who had just gotten out of jail on some drug charges. She noticed the cigarette burns on my wrist and showed me her own scars. Deep cuts made on her ankles. She liked me, expressed that, and after a while checked with her husband if she would be okay with us having it off. So we walked off to have a moment by ourselves with the blessing of the husband, who was saying that she’s okay with other women, but not with men. I asked her why, but she couldn’t answer why she made this split.)

I was very drunk. Had been drinking a lot before getting on the boat. But still conscious. She had had about three beers and was offering me more. I was checking with her all the time if she was too drunk (or on something else?) she kept saying no. I don’t think it was okay that we had sex. But it wasn’t as bad as the last time when I was on the boat back to Finland. When I was with a guy. Just basically lying on my back being passed out. Gone in my head. Not remembering.

Maybe I should switch to opiates instead… (not really…) It’s really sick that I just keep on drinking to get rid of alienation and pain and end up worse than I started. I should make some comic book out of my life. Kind of like a feminist Charles Bukowski running amok… It could make my message more accessible to more people… A constant feedback I get is that the blog posts are too long. (In Spite of All the Sex and Violence!! How come?! There’s plenty of people reading the Bible – with No Pictures!)

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13 Responses

  1. i like the comic book idea!
    i took keys to the “common flat” sometimes im there again… there are different ppl there at the moment from when you were excluded if you are in Budapest i can take you there… this time for real…

    • by Milla

      Have you read the stuff I’ve been posting so far? Like your [sexist !! ] behavior getting me totally paranoid. Like, hateful disrespectful behavior you have towards women. That you have towards me.

      Why did you write this comment? Are you drunk? (i am…)

      Who is 111? Have you read those comments? Have you read my responses to those comments?

      Anyways. I’m on my way to Romania and Socolari. Will probably be going back through Szeged on my way back, so if you know anybody who might be interested in meeting me (or vice versa) then please put us in contact with each other. Right now I’m just being tourist. Sleeping by the river. Sitting in a bar, drinking writing. (or at least: trying)

      It’s so weird. You haven’t answered the email with the message to Stop Ferfi-Eroszak. Why don’t you make a comic book out of your own life. Become a fan of your own existence?

    • by Milla

      it’s like you’ve never been in love. it’s like you’ve never had your heart crushed by idiots.

      i feel close to you. and i don’t understand why you continue being like this. telling me i could go to the common flat when it’s clear that the dominant people don’t want me there. and that you still stay in touch with these people for whatever reasons.

      don’t get it. wish you could explain.

    • by Milla

      so. there being different ppl in the common flat meaning: that Hajni and Maxigas are not dominating the space anymore..?

      so there are no people that you feel sexually dominated by (or lustful for) in the space anymore? or what?! … really don’t get the logic.

  2. well… i was totally sober… just trying to correct the mistake of me being numb and going with peer pressure when you were here in february…. just a gesture…
    ive read into the recent topics… this 111 is whoever… most probably someone from Finland i guess… but no idea… you can be paranoid about it if you feel like it its not me… its not the first time you accuse me of something that im not doing….
    im a fan of my own existence thats why im minimalizing contact with you… its been damaging… you had the comic book idea go for it… im not good at drawing…
    ive been in love… i am now… i had my heart broken several times in my life…. what does this have to do with anything now?
    what i told you is that there are no people at the common flat who were acting exclusionary towards you at the moment… well maybe except for Kati…. but whatever… i took a key now so i can do whatever i want…
    about the pro-feminist group… i still dont feel like getting you into this… my letter to them will be public as agreed, but i will take up contact on my own for my own sake and i dont like the fact that you “care” for me getting in contact with them (also dont care if you do this because of yourself or other women or whoever)
    (too much i dont care… but yea this is what comes out i guess its better to be honest)

    • by Milla

      okay. i believe you about the 111. [it’s not finland though. it’s a hungarian ip.]

      yeah. you’re right. i’m not really good for you. kind of disaster area (with the alcoholic insane behavior — the feminism making you feel uncomfortable rubbing up against, is not anything i would change — it’s one of the good things about me – it would be nice understanding why it feels uncomfortable for you though). one favor you could do [apart from meeting up, clearing our past and present up: will be super helpful for me] would be to find an english speaking aa-meeting in bp [being serious – guess it would be easier for you to do a search in hungarian?] didn’t even remember what i had been writing in the comments on this post. [that’s bad – i’m sorry for exposing you to this]

      it’s all the sexism [everywhere all the time] getting to me. plus that wanting something functioning with you, and not understanding the relation at all (it’s been so emotional and explosive and crazy and just the way i want it and all and completely totally wrong). all the inconsistent behavior (from both). i would like to understand it. get over the pain.

      i guess that’s what i mean with you “not getting my pain” in relation to getting toyed with by your behavior. (just like (m) getting a feeling awakening in me). i love you, and would like to be able to do that in a mutual non-harmful way. (impossible? is it really impossible?) i guess talking with you about these things will at least help me understand what behaviors are damaging for me and what i should look for in the future. (maybe if you open up, then i can understand something from your reflection of me – where the distrust in you for me comes from. and other things)

      when you out of the blue suggest that we should go to the common flat it’s like a call for the kid in me: Let’s play! Your gesture speaks to what i really want. acceptance and recognition by you. Playing nicely together. i want to. i really want to do that with you (minus sexism – minus my alcoholism). just feeling really insecure in relation to you. all the feelings you keep in. never talking properly about us. what went on. what went wrong. (what was right?) i feel that there’s no sensitivity in you with the feelings i have for you. how the sexism and gendered behavior has affected me.

      somehow it’s really difficult to find myself in this position of wanting. and be there again, kind of clueless of why there can be no fulfillment in the need.

      you know. just wishing everything could be okay. be held by you, hold you. be happy in simple moments. i want this. this is what’s painful for me. forcing myself to wake up. wake up to a sexist conflicting existence. where i’m less. for just being me.

      yeah. i would like to go to the common flat with you. but i guess in doing so i would also need to talk about how painful it is for me to do (or even think) what feels right with you because it reminds me of a longing and wanting and needing that is there in me.

      how did you figure meeting in bp would be? meet with (v) — pop by the common flat — “bye bye – have a nice existence?”

      i want more. but i don’t know what or how. can you relate to this? how love can be painful when it’s connected to wanting.

  3. how do you know that the IP is not Chinese? Check it

  4. a remark: drinking is not good for your health

  5. the get over the pain part i get… and if i can help you with that in a way that it doesnt dagame me further i would be glad to help… but im not buying this:
    “it would be nice understanding why it feels uncomfortable for you ”
    if ive learnt anything from the last months its that i should not believe this when it comes out of your mouth/keyboard…
    so just to be clear… since you were trying to be clear… no Milla i dont want to “play”… you can come to the common flat ive been talking with ppl who are there at the moment finally ppl say what they think (or at least start to) and there are ppl who are interested/curious about you, but im not…. as i said before it would be a gesture from my side (cause of my bad conscience)

    “you know. just wishing everything could be okay. be held by you, hold you. be happy in simple moments. i want this. ”

    i want to be 200% clear: i DONT want this…
    i rather want something like this:

    “how did you figure meeting in bp would be? meet with (v) — pop by the common flat — “bye bye – have a nice existence?”

    i can relate to anything and talk about anything, but yea if its possible then no more damaging behavior (sorry if this is hurting, but what is clear should be clear)

    • yes.

      no more damaging behavior. no more babysitting for you while you harm me and other women. no more beautiful fantasies of caring and sharing. no more you controlling me with Everyday Male Chauvinism. no more lies about equality and no more lies about love.

      no more.

      WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOU WRITING TO THE stop male violence group? (we had a deal. before july 24. you would send the statement to both me and the group)

      and you writing now that you wouldnt do it because you have damaging behavior towards others… in tampere you were doing the usual ruotine of trying to play one woman against the other. saying that you would never do it for me, but that you could do it for (a).

      and now you are being pc and saying that you are doing it for yourself. (did you tell (a) its not for her anymore?)

      good boy. you hurt me so damn much and so deeply. my mental health is … i dont even have words for it.

      you have no right at all to behave this way with ppl. no right at all.

  6. ok i guess its the lack of information why you have this weirdness going on again… i exchanged 8 letters (4-4) with the group and im attending their next scheduled meeting on aug6…
    the other thing: my argument was about not wanting you as a guardian/psychologist in my relation to the profeminist group… for my own sake: cause ive been wanting to take up contact with them even before knowing (a)… i guess this makes sense… this doesnt mean that i dont care about (a)s concerns… it only means that i expressed indifference towards you… we are talking about stuff which is none of your business… you can ask her, but since she doesnt really trust you either, because of the privacy issues i doubt that shes going to tell you everything… but go ahead and ask her if you still think i lie to her…. my opinion on the topic is not surprisingly different…

    • by MIlla

      the deal we had in tampere was

      — (a), you, me write ONE STATEMENT EACH
      — where you request for HELP to deal with your sexism
      — this would be sent to the group AND me (in order for me to be sure that youve sent the mail)
      — this would be done before JULY 24

      HOW MUCH OF THIS HAS HAPPENED SO FAR?

      (a) sent me her statement for the group. but i have no idea if this and my own statement have been passed on to the stop male violence group by you.

      could you bring me clarity in this? Asap.

      AND i strongly disagree with you that this in NONE OF MY BUSINESS…

      im not a guardian psychologist in relation to you the group feminism pro feminism. im a woman with serious concerns who has been involved with you intimately and suffered the consequences of that, and am still in the position of wanting to be heard out and having a dialogue (and recognition) of the harm caused by you.

      and what about the suggestion i just sent to you. 2 meetings. game over>

      1. a meeting where we go to the common flat. (aug 8th ) cook together, go through Everyday Male Chauvinism example by example. (super important for me to do that with you) And then structure the meeting with
      2. (v) me you. filmed on aug 14.

      ALSO. in relation to the pro feminist group. im also a comrade in struggle who has been severely diminished and put down by your behaviors. (!)

    • since you’re saying (in the chat we had today) that the blog is yours as well. why don’t you use your free speech and put into sentences and words the hypocrisy you experience in my relation to dealing with sexist behavior.

      or however you would like to phrase it. anything about my life. anything i’ve said or done. the drunk me. the sad me. the crazy me. the desperate me trying over and over again to explain. the tender loving me. i have no secrets. (like saying nasty things about you “sleeping with retards” after facing the exclusion and the indifference in budapest). it’s all for you to talk about. a finger in my vagina to check how moist i am. gentle touch on my nipple. a tongue on my eyeball. the aggression. frustration. the fears.

      i have nothing to hide. and i’m open for interpretation. it won’t “damage” me. or destroy my life if you step out of your cave and make yourself publicly known.

      any interpretations you have of life with me, life alone, life with others.

      speak. make yourself heard. it’s very likely i wouldn’t leave what you have to say uncommented.

      i don’t understand in what sense the blog is “yours” if you don’t use it.

      m ill a

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