Obsessions (Ending Sexism)

by World Cunt (aka “Milla) — There’s no escape. Wherever I go. I am what I am.

I’m tired of political slogans. Seemingly meaning nothing. Too much confusion and too few places and too few looong moments of making beautiful sense. (Sleepy..)

An email written today, cause it had to be written at some point. Sent to Dani. For her to pass on to the Men Against Male Violence group in Budapest, Hungary together with her own statement and the statement of a woman that she’s recently lied to.

[i’m sending this through (a)’s facebook, cause i don’t have her email.]

hello dani,
hello (a),

could you give some response on how to pass this on?

i would like to see dani’s statement passed on to the group.
i don’t know if you (a) would be comfortable with me seeing yours?
anyhow. the most reassuring for me would be to have the final
statement sent to the group and me at the same time. this way i would
know that it’s gotten to them.

are there any objections to this suggestion? [final statement sent to
me and the group, and this before July 24 (we agreed in Tampere on
doing this within two weeks)] Everybody okay with this?

below is my statement.

❤ milla

MILLA’s statement:

[i use ‘she’ as a gender neutral word for third person singular]
for more see: https://sosiaalikeskus.wordpress.com/she/

I’m a radical feminist activist woman hurt by Dani’s behavior towards
women. I’m really grateful for the text provided by Men Against Male
Violence in Budapest on Intimate Relation Violence That Is Not
Recognized As Violence [Luis Bonino].

Dani fits these patterns very well. And I feel that she has a
responsibility to inform the persons she wishes to establish an
intimate relation with on her sexism and domination within close
relations.

I still love this person. And it’s painful having to live with the
knowledge that she doesn’t recognize the harm done in relation to me
or other women. Having been exposed to these patterns for some time I
was pushed into a self-hating vacuum, still in desperation trying to
work on something that Dani herself wouldn’t make work (and at the
same time not wanting to let go of).

I was really taken in by this person, and it sort of got me blind to
the blatant sexist behavior and statements coming from her (commenting
on women’s bodies and looks – “big breasts” “fish face”) or in
reflecting on her relation to a woman she had a 3-year-long abusive
relation to, as Dani dominating the woman since she “gave space to do
that with her submissive behavior” as if the woman was ‘asking for
it’…

I spent a lot of time and effort trying to ‘educate’ Dani into
treating women with respect – including everything and anything from

>> not strangling lovers in bed or having sex with them if they’re too drunk to remember it afterwards
>> not leading women on with flirty behavior and then later complain when the woman is in love and not take any accountability for the situation (continuing having physical intimacy with them for months without sharing a mutual affection, interest, need)
>> not starting new intimate relations by withholding information about being polyamorous, denying the existence and nature of other intimate relations, stating that the woman is “the only one” (or bending the truth and saying that “you’re my emotional focus at the moment”) starting relations with dishonesty and deception
>> not starting new (or continuing old) intimate relations without stating that she has a problem with sexism, domination and violent behavior within these types of relations, and making her patterns transparent and safe to talk about with the one she’s with.

in my own case
>> i was led on with fake promises on shared life and love
>> she, at one occasion, when we were touching ourselves, started chatting with another woman she’s intimate with over the internet, telling her of what we were doing without first asking either one of us if we would be interested in engaging in some sexual activity online with each other, treating us as we were some sort of tools [i ended up apologizing to the woman]. Dani has also been asking me if i wanted to invite another woman to bed in order “not to make her feel left out”.
>> she did not cooperate with me [on my terms, as an affected person] on dealing with sexism within her collective (a collective that I’ve faced exclusion from because of my politics (radical feminism) and a general fear of outspoken women)
>> she did not cooperate with me on talking our relation through, instead i got to hear that she needed a break to have a comforting time with another woman [Dani stating that I shouldn’t think of this woman as “competition, cause the love i started feeling was partly a self saving mechanism i guess and if it will be really cool and working out with her then that will positively affect the you and me aswell i guess”], which ended up with me contacting this woman and getting a meeting to happen where she was informed on Dani’s sexist and unfair behavior towards women. at this meeting i made a request [maybe more demand?] that Dani would contact the Men Against Male Violence group in Budapest to request for help to deal with her sexism in order not to burden the women in her surroundings with this ‘mission impossible’ task. i have no reason to trust Dani, and therefor we came up with the solution of having three statements written, one by Dani (who states that she has no empathy with what I’ve been going through in relation to her and her way of relating to me), one by a recent woman that Dani’s trying to establish an intimate relation with (a woman that feels lied to and betrayed, but Dani describes the fact that she did not state anything about having other relations not as a lie but more as having “differing realities” [differing realities that i would call “denial, excuses”]), and myself who got seriously depressed and suicidal by the depressing existence of Everyday Male Chauvinism in our connection.

I don’t know what to say. I guess best wishes. I think Dani can be
(would be!!) a real great contributor to the group, if she just
manages to do something about the disturbing behaviors related to
sexism.

I’m sad it didn’t work out. [and somehow i can’t believe it yet. it
will take some time for this to sink in. there was a lot of weirdness
and traumatizing stuff in general in this intense connection. at least
i’ve grown some. and ::disclaimer:: i’m fully aware that i ain’t
perfect either.]

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6 Responses

  1. 1. why can’t you male a Sweedish family? D. & his harem…
    2. fanned fires and forced love never did well yet

  2. I meant: 1. why can’t you maKe a Sweedish family? D. & his harem…

    • by Milla

      Dunno what to say… Guess I’m wondering if this is some drunk comment made by Dani… Cause I didn’t use a neutral language when we met up in Tampere. When it was me, Dani, (a) and (k) i was expressing the paranoid feeling i’ve had with her and her vague way of stating her intentions and feelings.

      There was a talk on what Dani had meant with a chat that both me and (a) interpreted as Dani expressing interest in developing something intimate with (k) as well. And this in relation to Dani having sexual activity with me and at the same time talking about this with another woman over internet, plus in general her way of expressing her sexuality, made me feel really insecure about what the hell she was going on about. The weird communication and her sexist way of relating to women led to me not feeling safe about anything about her way of relating to me anymore. I used the word “HAREM” when speaking about this in Tampere. Cause that’s kind of how i experience it. That in the centre is Dani, and she decides who gets to know what, and who she chooses to give her comfort for the moment. It’s not a love that’s equal. It’s not a love where a woman can complain or ask questions.

      (just as the questions that i’m asking you 111 is not getting answered. it really annoys me. this is not real communication. not equal communication.)

      i have no fucking clue of what you’re talking about. only that the word “harem” triggers my paranoia to think that this message is related to Dani. and that maybe she sent it.

      swedish family? (because i’ve told dani that there’s more awareness when it comes to feminism in sweden?)
      “family”? (häh?)
      fanned fires? (meaning i speak of my experiences openly? without shame? thinking that it should be okay to do so?)
      forced love? (arranging a meeting in tampere with Dani, (a) and (k) in spite of the fact that Dani said NO! is this what it means? or that i’m asking her to stop hurting women? putting public pressure on her?)

      or is it just fun saying random blah blah to feel that it’s nice to be in control? being anonymous to not have to take responsibility for what you say? (and then put yourself in the centre of the communication by stating “too many questions”)

      The reason Dani ended up on the blog, was because she wasn’t up to talking these things through on an equal stand in private.

      And also cause i don’t think that Dani is an extreme freak of some sort. >> She’s just a regular everyday guy. The experiences i describe belong to the reality of everyday interaction between men and women in this society. <<

      fanning a fire…. hell is breaking loose all around us, all the time – Haven't you noticed that yet? We need some *focused* love and attention — (or you could call it "forced" if you prefer that…) — in order to keep people from getting burnt.

      Couldn't someone "normal" write a comment…? Could be cool… ❤

  3. what is “normal” for you?

    • by Milla

      someone who’s willing to meet face to face and discuss things over a cup of tea/coffee/fresh water. someone who’s willing to share of themselves in the same way i can share of myself.

      especially people who can self-reflect in a critical way. openly.

      that’s “normal” to me.

  4. […] party arranged each year by a lake outside Budapest, Hungary. I had met with Dani the day before. After the talk: Of course — I drowned the usual rejection (personal, […]

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