It’s so degrading. I spent so much time and energy – being in a seriously traumatized and fucked up state – just to get a simple meeting. No effort whatsoever made by the “guy” – Daniel. Anarchist? Equal? … Feminist? What do these words mean to her? [Let the wimmin do all the work, maybe I can take some credit for it later.. ? “Comrade” my ass..]
So, (k) and (a) had gotten curious about the messages I’ve sent over Facebook (no help from Daniel..) and the three of them had a meeting where it was decided to have two meetings. One with (a) (which I don’t understand why, I guess I’ll find out once we meet), and one with the four of us.
I got the numbers from the number info, and called (a) in the middle of the night, just making an assumption that people are up late… Hope I didn’t disturb her sleep… Left a message on the answering machine (I was a bit drunk, hope it wasn’t rambling..) And then I called (k). She thought friday could work out to get the meetings done. I suggested that I could come thursday evening and stay over night at her place, this way I wouldn’t have to feel so nervous about meeting up and trying to talk these things through. I’m afraid that I will be put in the position of “over-reacting” “vengeful bitch” [the last one is true… for sure 😀 ]
I’m really freaked out about Daniel’s behavior. Saying that I have no “convincing power” when I asked (begging) for a meeting [“convincing power”… what the hell is that?! ‘convincing power’ = respect for the political work i do? or: equal human value?). That she didn’t want to meet up because a meeting would leave her “devastated”. Asshole. So totally selfish of her. All this “I want you in my life. I need time to think over where you ‘fit'”. Apparently not on an “equal stand” at least… Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. How selfish can you get?
I sent a message over Facebook to (a) with info on the type of violence that men in general, and Daniel in particular habitually exercise within intimate relations (brother, comrade, lover…) with women, in order to maintain control (and Daniel had the nerve to say that I was “trying to control” her by getting these things talked through [ASSHOLE!]. I hope they start talking about these things. I never got the chance to do that with Daniel. Always something else more important to do than to discuss the internal power relations between us. Always ‘someone else’ being the asshole. ‘Someone else’ “giving stress”. Again: Asshole.
(k) said that Daniel didn’t really say anything during the meeting. That it was the women who wanted to meet me because of me contacting them.
The message I wrote on (a)’s Facebook wall:
my phone number is 050 ///… daniel wrote on the sosiaalikeskus blog that you wanted a private meeting just you and me (i don’t understand why. but i’m okay with it). talked with (k). will come to her place thursday evening. stay over night. she suggested that we could meet (have the two meetings friday). call if you feel like it. and getting involved with daniel it’s cool to check out these things. INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE THAT IS NOT CALLED VIOLENCE: http://www.stop-ferfieroszak.hu/news/57/52.html press the pdf link. Daniel recognizes herself in these patterns. And you should talk it through before she exposes you to it. (i never got to talk it through with her myself.) you can skip the intro text and go straight ahead to the examples.
I was thinking yesterday that in spite of Hajni and Maria being all crazy and shitty in relation to me (kind of having the same amount of respect for the work I do and my person as Daniel seems to have – Nil, Zero, Zilch. The only language they listen to is power. Political dialogue with dissidents — Unwanted!) In spite of this. They’ve gone through some of the same shit with Daniel as I have, so I figure I will send them a mail with the link to this blog post. Maybe they also got something to sort out with this guy.
I’m really pissed off. So, demeaning, disrespectful, degrading. You say you love me? And you make me crawl. Fuck you Daniel. And fuck your supremacist hurt male ego. What you have for women is self-pitying power. Not love.
And I’m scared shitless of what’s going to be on display when meeting up friday. Let’s see what “convincing power” you grant me. Fucking, selfish, stuck up, USER.
[Seeing you with Réka in Budapest was horrible. You talk about the relation between you two – saying that you only exist within a “language of power” with ‘each other’. As if this dynamic is something created by the two of you. What I saw was a loving, caring woman. (qualities probably defined as being “submissive” in a patriarchal society, not as traits worth admiration and respect.. as it would be, from a feminist point of view.) And you just being this nasty dominant possessive asshole. Power discourse between you two? She was doing NOTHING! I saw kindness, softness, sensitivity. And a woman doing her best defending herself when you started attacking her.
The power “dialogue” was made by you alone.]