Intimate relations – not a private matter

by Milla

It’s great being a radical feminist. I can go completely mad and shouting and screaming my suffering and pain of existing in an oppressive world.

And I can also go just as lovey dovey cute as i want 🙂

Today’s song. Michael Jackson. Heal The World.

I don’t know. I’m trying to heal. And I guess trying to figure out how I can feel more love in this world. What can be done to turn pain and hurt into love.

So. Sent an email today, trying to arrange meetings about “internal affairs”, hoping that most of the receivers are feminist enough to not get the societal “she’s just poo-ed on the table!” feeling…


Hello Daniel, (v), (r), (a), (k)

Why I write this.

Some time ago I got in contact with Daniel over an activist mailing list. It was agreed that she would come to Finland to see what could be done in regards to a conflict concerning exclusion of radical feminism within a social centre project in Helsinki.

Speaking from my own point of view. I was quickly taken in by Daniel, there was an instant connection that with time and effort grew into love. During this process I felt hesitant to give into the feeling, both because of past experiences with intimate loving relations (not only men, but going back to childhood, and with friends), and also because there were real factual evidence showing of Daniel’s own tendencies of displaying dominant gender patterns and sexist behavior in relation to women in intimate relations.

I’m really grateful that I, when I went to Hungary, got to see her interacting (or to put it frankly – her being damned dominant and plain nasty) to (r) whom she had been in a 3-year-long couple relation with, making strange comments about her teeth. And in that situation I felt like I was put on display by Daniel, talking to (r) – a feminist – pointing at me and talking about me in third person: “Look she thinks I’m funny, I can make her laugh”. In hindsight the situation felt really disturbing, it was as if she was trying to prove (r) wrong in some way. As if “Look this feminist activist woman sitting next to me likes me, and likes to be in my company, so your complaints and suffering in our relation was only ‘your’ thing and not about ‘us’ or ‘me'”.

Well. (r) told me already in Budapest that there was something disturbing with Daniel’s behavior in intimate relations. Something I’m really grateful for today. As well as the replies I got from her when I asked her for help in trying to get a meeting where I could talk with Daniel about sexism and gender patterns.

The last alarm bell going off, was when Daniel tried to tell me that the problems that I was trying to point out (dominant patterns within intimate relations that she herself does not recognize herself in – some of them yes – but most of them, not) well, she tried to tell me that our relation would improve if she would just get some time to work on an intimate relation with you (a), whom she met in Vilnius at an activist gathering, and maybe as well explore whatever interest there could be in (a)’s friend (k). And once again I got to hear that the problems I have, should be dealt with later some time, because she gets depressed and feels uncomfortable talking about these things.

If it weren’t for (r) giving me support in my reality, I would most probably still be full of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior. Therefor I as a feminist activist woman (human being!) would like to extend this solidarity and sisterhood to (a) and (k), saying that it’s okay to follow ones feelings and explore love, but it’s even better not to do it blindly. I would like to inform you two of my experiences with Daniel so that you have a possibility to make this connection in a more conscious manner than I did. The shock of getting to know sexist and dominant patterns in someone you love can be compared to the shock of not being informed of a sexually transmitted disease or that the person in suffering from epileptic fits.

So the suggestion I’ve made to Daniel over a Forum
http://sosiaalikeskus.forumotion.com/
and also Facebook is:

1. To meet up in Tampere during the anarchist gathering Musta Pispala. Where I would like to tell her of my experiences with her in our relation. I would like for her to have an opportunity to say whatever she feels she has to say as well. It would also be great if (a) and (k) would like to be present, this way you would see how Daniel interacts with a woman who has concerns about her behavior in an intimate relation, and you would get to hear the problems from my point of view. I would also like to give my email to both of you (milla@..) if you would ever feel you would like to get support in your reality if you find yourself in conflict with Daniel ((r)’s support was really important to me – and for this reason I would like to offer the same possibility to you two. If something happens you wouldn’t have to think that you are the first ones or that you’re crazy.)

I imagine this meeting to be short. And that everybody present would get the time to speak whatever they feel they have to say.

2. I would also like to meet with (r) in Budapest sometime July 20 – 25th (just a suggestion of time, I don’t know if Daniel or (v) will be there at that time) and share experiences in our relation to Daniel. This way it might be easier for Daniel to get to a concrete level of what she could do to make her intimate relations more safe and caring (less destructive).

And it would be wonderful to take (v) (strongly involved in the feminist struggle and also psychologist – or is it psychiatrist .. i can never remember the difference..) up on her suggestion of getting a facilitated meeting with Daniel – getting more in depth of what the hell went wrong. Sharing realities.

Hmm. I’m trying to figure out how to arrange this the easiest way.

I guess I will write (a) and (k) separate messages on Facebook, cause i don’t know their email addresses, to ask how they would feel about a meeting like this in Tampere.

And then I would like to check if you, (v) could call Daniel and ask how she feels about this meeting in Budapest, and if she’s okay with it, then the two of you could arrange a time that would be convenient for you, and then you, (v) let me know when to meet? (I guess we need to talk about how the meeting should be done. I would like to have this meeting recorded – I have a digital camera). This is just me thinking out loud. You can suggest something different (just trying to get things done).

(r), would you be fine with meeting in July? Could you write something to me about that? And also if you have some wishes for yourself, if there’s something you have in mind, that you would like to do or would like to have done. Maybe the two of us doing the meeting together with Daniel and (v)?

Daniel, I guess I would need to hear from you how you feel about meeting in Finland, and if you have any wishes on how that would be done. Write me on the forum. (Or whatever means of communication you see fit. I’m not restraining you.)

I hope this was coherent.

take care,

with love
milla

Love is Blind. Eve.

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3 Responses

  1. already exchanged mails with (v) about a facilitated meeting… if you want to concretize this i can promise i will be in Budapest and available between the 20th and 25th of July
    thx for trying to be constructive instead of shouting my head off (not sarcastic at all)

    • by Milla

      i guess the easiest way would be if you would decide a date that would be okay with (v) between these dates. and then you tell me.

      and since (e) was okay with meeting up in tampere, i guess that means that we’re meeting up there as well? how do we arrange this?

    • by Milla

      the most constructive thing you could do, would be to join a men’s group, and stop depending on women to deal with your sexism (or at least hear the women out who are willing to speak to you about it, without belittling and ridiculing).

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