The politics of love – managing relations

by Milla

Facebook test for persons with known abusive and dominant behavior in intimate relations related to gender:

Question — You are a male and have a history of abuse in your intimate relations with women, what do you do?

A) Get in contact with a separatist feminist men’s group, who really know what they’re doing.

B) Hear out a radical feminist that you’ve been intimate with about her experience of the abusive behavior, and ask her what actions on your side could support her in healing.

C) You start another intimate relation, ignoring A and B. Cause A and B has nothing to do with C.

What’s your answer on this, Daniel?

When begging does not work, one way of not going under is to get into the ‘desperate calls for help’ generally known as activism. Some persons, like myself, relate to it as an artistic expression. This works just as well as painting or dancing to get your feelings out.

Today I posted this on Daniel’s Facebook wall. I don’t know how she will relate to it, but I think it sums up the problem that I’m having with her way of relating to intimate relations and love.

I still don’t understand how she can say that instead of sorting problems out in our relation, that I see as clearly and absolutely related to sexism and gender. That I would heal by her starting another relation with another vulnerable woman. It’s outright crazy, and insulting to have to listen to that. Has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with her maintaining a power position in our relation on the basis that I’m in love and sensitive to what she wants and doesn’t want, and I shape myself according to her needs and wishes. The irony in this is that the power balance is based on the fear of losing something that simply isn’t there: Her love.

I’ve just started to wake up from the messy history we’ve managed to get during an intense period of about 9 – 10 months. I had a beautiful rush in the beginning of the relation, but as soon as problems started to occur – and me talking about them, and her avoiding – this beautiful feeling turned into self-destruction and pain.

I see heavily sexist behavior in her, and it frightens the hell out of me that she’s instead of dealing with this, goes on a hunt* for intimacy and affection, thinking this will solve her problems instead of just creating more. The lessons I learned from our relation (positive, negative) is something that she should learn from as well. In order not to repeat the same mistakes.

If she loved me, she would listen to this.

Let’s say that the test above, is a revolutionary test of love. It’s not so difficult to pass… I see no reason making things more complicated than they are. Sometimes it’s really simple. Really really simple.



* yes, I would use the word ‘hunt’ in her case, instead of ‘search’… it’s about trapping and catching, not sharing and caring.

Today’s lyrics: Sick and tired. Anastacia (Another song for the spam part of your brain Daniel – fitting for the moment)

My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line

A little late for all the things you didn’t say
I’m not sad for you
But I’m sad for all the time I had to waste
‘Cause I learned the truth
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there’d come a day
I’d set you free
‘Cause I’m sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired

Your love isn’t fair
You live in a world where you didn’t listen
And you didn’t care

So I’m floating
Floating on air

Oh.. yeah…

No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there’s come a time
You’d hear me say
I’m sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired

[Chorus 2x]

My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line

My love is on the line


5 Responses

  1. now Daniel gets the Milla treatment – it was only a matter of time.

    • good luck to both

    • oh fuck off whoever the hell you are hiding behind numbers…

      • by Milla

        (in relation to my reply to 3-2-1 on my perspective on the ‘Milla treatment’)

        And Daniel is pretty good at giving the ‘treatment’ herself. Not always. But especially in relation to our personal relation. Walling off, or belittling what I say and do when I try to politicize the suffering i feel in relation to her – she tells me to ‘get a life’ and that I should stop ‘trying to control’ her, when I’m asking for a meeting to let her know my point of view.

        Wanting dialogue, and getting a chance to confront face to face, is seen as me wanting to ‘control’…

        Also when I’ve spoken openly about my feelings of anger, sadness, frustration – she’s suggested that i could ‘start painting’, instead of trying to get political dialogues going on the oppressive nature of our relation. Human relations, intimate relations. I really don’t see why Daniel should treat the relations within the Morze Infoshop any differently than to what’s been going on in the relation between me and her. It’s all about how we relate to each other as humans, no matter how intimate these relations might be.

        If she finds the walls within her collective painful. Then I don’t understand why she wouldn’t empathize and give the opportunity for me to speak my truth to her, in the same way she wishes to be able to speak her truth to her collective.

        The contradictions sicken me. And it’s not a good feeling to be deprived of an equal stand in human relations – no matter how close or distant the relation.

        Daniel i love you and i would like to get this opportunity to speak my mind. I think we managed to have a big impact on each others lives. I’ve grown, and I’ve gotten to better understand myself in relation to oppression and oppressive structures. Also in relation to love and relations. (i’m heart broken and torn to pieces but i have a better understanding of my needs).

        You still need to do some serious work on your sexism (preferably with the men’s group in bp – i really think you would be great for each other). I’m not kidding when i say this. You really need to do this work before you can truly make women feel safe and cared for in relation to you. (in intimate love relations).

        I would like to talk with you about these things face to face. And i guess after that break off the relations. Because we’re having some major reality clashes (ideological differences) when it comes to loving relations. It would help me get over it – not see you as my enemy – if we could meet up, and have this last talk.

    • by Milla

      yes i think Daniel is getting some of the ‘Milla treatment’ – meaning being ignored, ridiculed, silenced and pushed out by the people who are saying that they are working towards the same political goal of “freedom, justice” – you know, the usual leftist bla blaah that not many care to practice…

      the ‘Milla treatment’ is to be faced with open hatred and despise, and to be told that you deserve it, that you wanted it, that it’s your own fault.

      the ‘Milla treatment’ leads to mental collapse, but when broken and deprived of all sense of humanity, following through with persistence, it can also lead to greater understandings in the one exposed to it of how oppressive systems work, and can lead to a maddening rage that can be poured into political activism, that the ones responsible for the treatment for some reason fear and believe is madness, and see as damaging for the ‘movement’. personal nonsense, nothing to do with how the collective works. damaging to discuss.

      3-2-1. we could talk more about the different perspectives of this at the forum. unless you feel like giving me the ‘treatment’?

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