Crazy, sick, weird

by Milla
I just want time to stop. I have severe distrust in Daniel. And there’s been so much weird and sick behavior. There is no love. Just crazy, sick, weird.

I want her help to make it stop. Meet up face to face. I can’t deal with being in love in a healthy constructive way. And she doesn’t want to deal with the aftermath of the sick relation. She’s trying to convince me that if I just wait, and she starts working on some more intimate relations, that this then would have a good effect on our relation.

It’s sick. I’m sick. Spending hours on chats. Haunted. Pushing her. Cause I don’t trust her to deal with this. And she is there on the other end. Avoiding. Stalling. Not talking. Feeling pressured. Full of self-pity.

This morning I was begging. But she doesn’t feel any empathy.

It was so absolutely sick. The other day, talking about how I feel. That I’m not okay with being in love, that I feel toyed with, that I want a meeting face to face to talk through all the hurt and pain we’ve gone through. We talked of the possibilities. Private wouldn’t be good. We’re both emotionally not stable. On the other hand, after facing so much oppression and indifference within the finnish scene it wouldn’t really feel safe and comforting doing it at an anarchist gathering coming up. I would also feel vulnerable and sensitive to her having support in the woman she’s in love with at the moment, the one that she’s trying to convince me would help our relation (by mediating? giving me feminist support? has she been asked for her opinion?)

When I talked about my insecurities, we talked about jealousy, and then she mentioned that it’s not only (a) but also her friend (k) that she’s interested in.

Today she didn’t remember that she had said that.

My sickness is mine. I totally own that. I feel a deep distrust. And Daniel is a coward. Doesn’t want to meet up face to face anymore, after I said that I would like to have this meeting done, cause I can’t deal with being this twisted and sick anymore, because of having an affection and attachment fed with insanity and fear – instead of rooting out the hurtings they grow and thrive in our way of talking with each other. I want her to stop playing with me, and just let me have that moment of looking her in the eye, asking the questions I happen to have at the moment, and share whatever it is I happen to feel. I’ve learnt that I don’t feel safe in our relation, and that she is too damaged to take in my hurt and empathize with how I feel. I guess her lack of empathy is a mix of sexism and despise for the weak. It probably also has to do with how freaked out I’ve been. Crying. Being emotional. She can’t deal with that.

She said she was afraid that there would be physical and mental aggression in meeting up. When we had met in Vienna, I was going through the shock of listening to her choices, of wanting to pull closer the people who openly stated they hate me. Before we met she had talked about wanting communal living with me, her choices went in total contradiction towards a shared life. I was in deep conflict of wanting a shared life and love, and at the same time rationally understanding that there was no space made for me. My safety and needs weren’t taken into consideration. I went aggressive. Inside I had an echoing goodbye, and outwards I was a drinking crying mess, wrongly going against her body language trying to kiss her, when she clearly didn’t want to. Once when I was crying I was begging her for a hug “Even if it’s out of pity”. She had told me about the relations with persons that hate me, that she with one woman would have sex even when not really wanting. Also taking care of her out of pity. I felt that – well if this is how it works with others, why not me?

I remember being close. Feeling the strong smell of washing detergent from the sweater her grandmother had washed. Her leaving. Rocking my body gently. Saying that she wished she knew how to love me.

Now. A few months later on I try to tell her. But she can’t hear. And when I’m there begging for a meeting to stop this sick and twisted relation that she has been a part of creating, she says that she doesn’t want to meet. That it would be harmful for her. Some strange paranoia gets into her. Two persons meeting, clearing things out, doesn’t seem like a possibility to her. She sets a strange time limit of not wanting to meet in the first half of July. (Or else?) Meaning not during the anarchist gathering. She knows I’m a confrontative person. But still, instead of settling for a prepared meeting. A time and a place. She chooses to be confronted in a completely unsafe and public manner. Turning the whole thing into yet another potentially damaging meeting for me. And I don’t understand how this type of encounter would be any better for her either. If the choice is to prepare or not to prepare, she chooses the latter, in order to “avoid” harm. Maybe even to “save” the relation.

It’s not love. It’s crazy sick and weird. That’s what we are. And one person wanting to confront, and the other closing her eyes, hoping it will just go away.

Unlike a tree, there is no beauty to be found in a relation when it's all twisted.

Unlike a tree, there is no beauty to be found in a relation when it's all twisted.

Why won’t you help me with this Daniel? Be rational?

Why would Romania work better than Finland? It’s not about the place. It’s not about the time. It’s about us – and what we do now, now, now. When will you be able to see that? How do you expect us to heal?

I’m crazy and sick and weird. I need your help.

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