Posted by Daniel
It is really nice to get fresh, outsider opinions when you are so deep in shit that you cannot really look out of it. I had a lot of trouble in the past dealing with my own submissive behavior regarding internal hierarchies of left alternative atmospheres and supporting exclusionary behavior (i still do today) so i find it extremely important to try to reflect. I publish the following in hopes of getting through to some people who appear to be an impenetrable concrete wall to me.
(D is a good friend who visited Budapest really shortly and is an outsider to the left alternative scene in general)
D: and i feel down whenever i think about maria.
seems she won. she can have Budapest for herself.
and the infoshoppppp
she’ll be rich and smart and owning in the future!
D: i hate this..not talking over a problem and then all of a sudden ‘hello’ email, like nothing happened. things dont work this way, not with me, not anymore
me: Budapest and the infoshop doesnt belong to Maria
and i dont think she will get rich or anything
D: i think she is very protective of this group.
me: i know
D: and consantly changing mind in basic things. i never know what she thinks, what she..ah.
i couldnt even sign up to the mailing list
she influeced me in a way that i finally resigned out of this idea
she said: ah its not worth it, i wanna save your time on this bullshit.
yes somehow ppl read what Milla says, what she writes
then they ignore her or write nasty stuff about her
but they READ. they read it like entertainment.
she is not sick, she is just trying to fight injustice, the way she knows, the methods she knows.
nevermind, i am bittered about maria
everyone says they dont care
yet they liek having those power positions
or how you call them.
i dont wanna know ppl like this
thats why i dont wanna be in this stupid Alert here either.
but power is everywhere
D: one way or the other. for me its simple
me: you need to deal with it
thats how you make the revolution
if you want a better job and car and house and husband all those things are also about power
D: so what i should be Milla the second? go to Bp and say what i hate about Infoshop?
how maxigas ignored my emails, how maria is overprotective? how Hajni ignores my emails too?
this is ridiculous
those ppl have their right to their lives
if they dont want any new ppl there whom they dont feel safe with – so be it.
i should look for another group then.
and maybe i dont fit them anyway
sorry a bit frustrated here
you are totally right
that is what im also mad about
that the group is totally exclusive
it does not make me well
D: well, your methods maybe are a bit radical to many, but youre the only open person from this group.
yes it is
also if i may say smth about Maria
i think she is very clever
she gathers information from ppl
tried ot be friendly with everybody
then she sums up and brings out the common denominator
and on this basis she acts.
to keep her in power
i know she is weak sometimes too, i know she has doubts. but all in all she is more powerful than i thought.
she is very bright, very clever
and thats why i think she will get rich or powerful.
i think nobody knows real Maria.
sorry to admit this, but Milla was right here. i dont know how i could be so blinded
i have a lot of negative feelings about maria.
and you were right too
now its gone again
i hate this
me: what has gone?
D: so, i should stay away from people, power etc
D: for me the most important things are build in silence, peace and quiet, not in the lights of jupiter!
yes ive put maria on a pedestal
and i denied, even though you told me i would.,
me: well i told you if you want to stay away from power than you have to avoid society… cause hierarchies cannot be magically suspended only worked on
D: i still create pictures of ppl in my head too fast,
well sorry but there is zero work on hierarchy in infoshop ppl
or maybe there is but i dont know nothing about it
but your group is very closed
unfortunately it is like this with many groups
and the richer, the hierarchy is bigger and harder to fight
i know, im not saying anything new..
its just..new for me because i realized this.
also hierarchy at my work, at my room
when i started to ‘show teeth’, ppl are more careful with me too.
i cannot be nice, because ppl use it. i have to be nasty!
me: well… or you can be always nice
that confuses ppl 🙂
but nobody can keep it up 😛
D: rarely someone can
and those ppl are not valued
i used to say hello to everyone even guys
and the typical sexist behavior is here also
and the typical homophobia every day
i think i prefer environment and greenery
ppl just hurt each other