I want to die (Remember – Resist – Do not comply)

by Milla

Fun for people incapable of speaking about feelings.

Fun for people incapable of speaking about feelings.

I don’t know how to go on. Not a single day without conflict. The unwillingness, to deal with the stuff that hurts.

Years ago, when I was hurting, I had this idea of “sacrificing” myself for humanity, if I would ever reach a point where I felt it was too much.

That point has been reached many times over. The blaming that is there. The refusal to talk. The patient explaining, that turns desperate, and then my way of killing myself – the booze. I drink till I don’t exist anymore. It’s not a good solution, cause it only knocks me out for some hours, and then the pain starts all over again, increased by the freaked out behavior and pain I’ve exposed others to in my oblivion. The pain that I’ve inflicted on myself, causing my insides to bleed.

And there they are. The dysfunctional relations. The people who claim to “love” me, while they do the most horrible hostile acts. The non-solidarity from the feminist scene in Finland. I still don’t understand how it’s possible.

I don’t know how to live. And I don’t know how to kill myself properly. I’m in deep shit.

I should probably read some Andrea Dworkin. I’ve been having Letters From A War-Zone for some time now. The quotes she picks usually speak to me.

Like:

In legend there is relief from the enemy,

sorrow is turned into gladness, mourning

into holiday.

In life, only some of this is possible.

— E.M. Broner, A Weave of Women

And what she speaks of in the introduction to the book:

“These essays and speeches present a political point of view, an analysis, information, arguments, that are censored out of the Amerikan press by the Amerikan press to protect the pornographers and to punish me for getting way out of line. I am, of course, a politically dissident writer but by virtue of gender I am a second-class politically dissident writer. That means that I can be erased, maligned, ridiculed in violent and abusive language, and kept from speaking in my own voice by people pretending to stand for freedom of speech. It also means that every misogynist stereotype can be invoked to justify the exclusion, the financial punishment, the contempt, the forced exile from published debate. The fact is that these essays and speeches speak for and to vast numbers of women condemned to silence by this same misogyny, this same sadistic self-righteousness, this same callous disregard for human rights and human dignity. I do know, of course, that I am not supposed to keep on writing. One is supposed to disappear as a writer. I have not. I hope that I will not. I know that some other people share the same hope; and I take this opportunity to thank them for the help they have given me over this decade of trying — as I said earlier — to communicate and to survive, as a writer and as a woman; the two are one for me.” — Andrea Dworkin, 1987

I can’t take it anymore. I want healing relations where it’s possible to speak of the things that hurt. Where there’s a willingness to talk things through.

It was just too much for me. The other day. Going to a polyamory meeting, and there, of course, there are people who have supported hatred and exclusion. Saying: Yes, it’s bad at the social centre. They don’t want to talk about anything. I will leave.

And not willing to look at their own actions. It’s always “someone else”. The talks about what have happened will always come “later”. Sometimes served with “I love you”.

Three of them agreed on talking about the exclusion on the forum related to this blog. I don’t really believe them. It comes from an experience background I have. “I’m not really involved in this” “Sure. But, let’s talk about it later” and “You have our love and support.” And then most often what follows is – nothing.

I’m grateful my friend (p) was there. If I wouldn’t have her, there would be no sanity to be found. No real support. Through her I know what love is.

I know there are things – people – that I can be grateful for. I need to find more. So there can be an end to the hateful input that causes these disturbing rushes of self-hatred in me. Violent thoughts of hurting myself. The “wanting to die”.

Where are the people who want to communicate? Where are the people who want something different?

Where to go when you're told you don't fit in by others?

Where to go when you're told you don't fit in by others?

Where to go... Maybe a visit to the tattoo could cheer you up. Andrea Dworkin's motto: Remember, Resist, Do Not comply. On the arm of someone not willing to give up.

Where to go... Maybe a visit to the tattoo parlor could cheer you up. Andrea Dworkin's motto: Remember, Resist, Do Not comply. On the arm of someone not willing to give up.

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7 Responses

    • by Milla

      i really like the links. 🙂

      and for anybody else feeling concerned: i’m not about to kill myself. i think i will always look for other solutions. cutting of relations. finding new ones, getting into the habit of taking care of myself, instead of killing myself with alcohol.

      i’m far from okay. but i’m not about to kill myself.

  1. I followed the blog since you shared the adress at Ladyfest but I’ve hesitated to comment anything because I feel that I’m totally unknowledgeable in what you are writing about. This post however I feel is quite alarming so I don’t want to remain silent in the background. My experience is that saying “I want to die” means “I want to quit this pain”, would you agree?

    Ok, I don’t feel I’m one to engage in debate about the questions you raised but I registered on the forums in order to “just talk”, whatever about.

    • by Milla

      i agree with “exit now please!” thoughts being there as a result of not being able to cope with pain. (and in a weird way, the thoughts in itself are traumatizing – leading to even more negative feelings.)

      and: lovely that you responded to this. very unfinnish! thank you. looking forward to talk on the forum. i will contact you there.

  2. I wish you could just go in there and never mind the ban, backed up with some like-minded-people (such as me) and see if they will throw us out.

    I have never encountered hostile conduct in the social center scene and I am feeling they are being polite around me. With others, younger, weaker they are more blunt. Remember the sexist incident in that Punk gig? I was not told.

    Please, do not destroy yourself! You will die someday, but before that, make things hard for those that want to wipe you out of existence.

    • great to hear that you wouldn’t be ashamed of walking in there with me. i just got to hear from another feminist, that she didn’t think it would be a good idea to go to a house meeting with me present, since “they” don’t listen to me, and she wanted to bring the issue of safer spaces on the agenda. (but not a safer space for people like me…)

      it’s really hard to have to deal with that attitude all the time: “that of course everything is cool with you, but i just don’t want to be seen with you, and if somebody gets upset when you’re around, then deal with it yourself – in fact maybe you shouldn’t come – cause people have a problem with your kind of feminism…”

      so. really good. unfortunately really rare… to hear that you’re okay with backing me up (cause i would need it).

      let’s talk about it in the sauna, your place?

      • Yes, welcome to sauna! I was in the house meeting. My friend Tiina had a proposal and she did not want to go there herself. So I had to stop pretending that I do not know when the house meeting is. (It is not posted in Satama web page, it is not anywhere to be seen in Satama itself and so forth, it is as if joining a secret society).

        Then I was unhappy about the discussion there and after couple of hours I left, not as a protest, I was just tired. At any rate, it was told that people have voted with their feet when the resolutions of earlier house meetings had not been respected. The only one that seems to respect house meeting resolution seems to be you.

        The issue of house security was discussed, mainly based on a thin threat of probable neo-nazis probably torching a sofa on the yard plus a more tangible threat of people coming there in the wee hours of the night and refusing to leave when the house will be shut.

        Such discussion is well reserved for mailing lists (which are not publicized anywhere) or fora (ditto), so people can assess the threat and proposals in their own peace.

        The threat of city authorities was only discussed as far the gypsies were concerned, whereas I think the number one threat for the Social Center is the city of Helsinki, represtented by cops and other snoops and trying to force an artificial division between gypsies and non-gypsies.

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