When I love, I love – (getting over recent trauma)

by Milla

Me Tarzan - You Jane: Getting over the illusions of romantic love.

Me Tarzan - You Jane: Getting over the illusions of romantic love.

Daniel, Maxigas, Hajni, and Vlanto were involved in the same activities in Budapest with the Morze InfoShop and the Common Flat – anybody visiting the city would be welcome to come over to the infoshop, and if you visit the infoshop you can stay over at the common flat.

Visiting the InfoShop and related activity in Budapest was horrible. I got completely messed up by going there.

Before I went there, Maxigas had been sending this weird email to me saying that I “raped” her by openly saying that I want to meet ‘strong personalities’ at a meeting in Greece. We were sitting in a circle, a small group of people, saying where we come from and what we were doing there. She felt that she was excluded from this statement, and instead of talking with me about it, asking me what I had meant, she decided that I’m out on a quest for an “ubermensch unity” (whatever that means), and that she wouldn’t be included in this super-troop.

It was weird. I shared the letter with Daniel when she was visiting me in Finland. Kind of testing her. Would she see that it’s mad too? Or would she start defending the guy?

She thought it was weird too. So that was a relief.

This is an email exchange on the exclusion that Maxigas single-handedly decided and acted out towards a person bringing criticism to a mailing list she was admining. And this is where she calls me rapist. The reason for these feelings about me can be read pressing a link coming up later on in this post:


I don’t know. Sometimes I’m really easy. I don’t know why I fall in love, or why it’s easy to feel ‘connected’ with someone. And at the same time weak and insecure. And doubting myself. Sometimes even getting into fear. Fear of being used. Manipulated. Cause love is very often a power game. Not the healing caring and sharing it should be. Very often it’s not about equality and mutual good feelings, but about controlling and about who’s on top. Very often love is exploited, not valued. We are selfish and hurtful with each other. Start keeping the tenderness in, cause the first one showing ‘weakness’ has lost.

Having hearts and stars in your eyes – means that you’re a loser.

It was weird with Daniel here in Helsinki. Getting to know her. Being close with her. Moments of making out, and then moments of touching being awkward. Maybe it’s about trust. Not trusting. Not feeling safe. Not knowing how welcome I am. If I’m wanted.

Being hurt so many times. Living through so insanely oppressive moments. Being programmed by the system myself. So that when Daniel gets into macho bull-crap patterns, and says that “Okay, so no children.” As if making a mental memo, when I say I can’t imagine myself going through pregnancy. Or later when she’s making jokes about “invading” my space, when I told her about some other macho telling me that she wanted to “squat” my space.

It’s weird. Like falling for really idiot stuff like that. Being pulled in somehow. Instead of saying, “I like you, I’m interested in you, it feels nice talking with you.” Or something like that. Instead it’s this power game. Testing: Can I get? Can I take without really saying anything?

Stupid games.

I was in love. And working on myself, wondering how close I wanted to be, wondering how close she would be okay with having me. And I went to Budapest. It was spontaneous. I needed to leave Finland. Had been going through a hard time with the social centre conflict. And I had felt good with Daniel. There had been moments of real tenderness and caring.

I wrote to Hajni in Budapest about getting contacts. If she knew feminists or other nice people in the city. She’s ‘romantically’ involved with Daniel, and living with Maxigas (dunno about their relation).

Her reply was shocking the hell out of me. Totally dominant: Don’t come to Budapest, you will be banned by all the anarchists and activists – immediately. Don’t come to Hungary, go to some other country. If you come here you will split the scene. She told me I wasn’t welcome, that there would be a “1000 % consensus” on this. Basically threatening me with very unpleasant feelings if I would show up.

I just couldn’t believe it. I had heard that she had been excluded from a project herself, in a fairly nasty way, and thought that maybe she was projecting this fear on me. The letter seemed completely paranoid to me.

The full email exchange here:


Maxigas had been moderating a mailing list, where she had kicked out a person who was coming with criticism, without giving any warning or clear explanation for why. I had been protesting against this unfair, dictatorial way of making decisions. And now when I was going to Budapest, I sent an email to both her and the person – Vlanto – who had been receiving most of the criticism, asking if I could meet with them, and talk about this exclusion.

Maxigas replied, saying that she didn’t want to see me, because she would be “uncomfortable” with me around. She was also informing me that she and Vlanto were going to do this open info event about the Greek riots. She told me I shouldn’t come, because she didn’t want to see me, and also that “Vlanto would go crazy”, if I would come.

Here’s this exchange. Plus the explanation for why she called me rapist:


Well. I went to Budapest. I met with some really nice people. Women and men fighting to get free from the gender system – people fighting oppression and oppressive behavior. And then I met with fairly nasty people as well. Like Daniel was insulting her ex-girlfriend the first evening I met with her. I didn’t react until later, telling both of them it was just plain wrong, the way Daniel had been behaving.

I also went to the Greek fire info event. The first thing Maxigas said when seeing me, was: “What are you doing here, I told you not to come.” After this there was an incredible discussion with me, Vlanto, Maxigas and some other persons. One woman was upset with the behavior displayed by Maxigas and Vlanto. Neither of them would give me a clear reason for why I wouldn’t be welcome there. Vlanto’s reason was that she would be “too nervous” if I was there. Both of them seemed to be in the full belief that they would have the right to have me agreeing to do whatever they wanted.

I got tired of the meaningless discussion, and said that I would walk out during the presentation, but only if it would be announced in the beginning of the event, that this was happening, and that there would be an opportunity to speak about it after the Greek presentation had been done.

Some people had been informed about the situation before. When I walked into the room, I was speaking with one man who was asking what’s up, and when I said that I would leave, she got fairly upset, but replied with a smile and “That’s sneaky, I like it!” when I said that I wouldn’t leave without informing everybody in the room of what was about to happen.

I was expecting to leave. But it turned out that two more persons found the situation unfair, and said they would leave as well, if I would go.

Then I used the moment to pressure Maxigas and Vlanto into joining a discussion about this exclusion after the talk, since the reasons for why I couldn’t be present hadn’t been stated to me. Maxigas agreed. When I turned to Vlanto, she was just saying that she didn’t like the violence I was “using” by existing in the same space as her, but that I could stay for the presentation. This way she got out of the tricky situation of having to explain her strange and authoritarian behavior in the small group talk afterwards.

Some of the spectacle got recorded:


Maxigas joined the group, since she had promised to do so. I was pretty badly affected by the bullying behavior, kind of stunned, so I didn’t do a good job on facilitating. We didn’t introduce ourselves to each other. And then the word was given to me. And I was talking, saying why I thought this thing had happened. And then there was a discussion between a man and a woman in the group. Many persons seemed to agree on that I was guilty for just existing “If Maxigas told you not to come, you shouldn’t have come.” The woman disagreed with this. And then time was up. And Maxigas had said nothing. Explained nothing. Just telling me that: “I told you couldn’t tell anybody about the stuff I wrote to you about ‘raping’ me. And still you did.”

The patriarchal system seems to be clear to her: Enjoy the abuse in silence – bitch.

It was a messed up situation. Figuring out a lot of different things. Being so totally absolutely denied any basic humanity. I was nothing. Go! Hang your head in shame!

I went into a completely obsessive behavior, trying to confront these people. Talking with a lot of people about what we could do. One woman had a key to the common flat, but said she wouldn’t go there because Hajni owns it, and she wouldn’t want to do something against her will. Also stating that “Maxigas and Hajni are good people.”

Most people seemed to agree on that they didn’t like Vlanto’s behavior in general. But nobody seemed to be talking with her about this. Instead it was used as an excuse for that it would be useless to talk with her about these things. “She’s crazy.”

Maxigas had said many times that she didn’t want to speak with me. So most people seemed to agree that it would be “hurting” and “violent” to ask her why she was treating me as a non-human.

I met Maxigas, and Hajni – for the first time – at an antifa demo. Maxigas was doing the usual, “I don’t want to speak with you”. Not even when I said that the stuff she had been sending me had been affecting badly and that there was sexism expressed in it, she said that she just didn’t want to talk with me. That she didn’t care. At first she said that the antifascist demo wasn’t a good moment to speak about these things, but when I offered her to arrange a meeting where she could ask somebody she feels safe with to join, in order for us to talk these things through, then she continued with the: “I don’t want to see you” argument.

The same with Hajni. Excuses, excuses. Saying that she “wasn’t involved in it” and that “she had already explained what she meant with the letter”. I was telling her that I still didn’t understand why she wrote this letter to me. And that I would like to hear it from her. Then she just looked at me with a cold look: “I have a sore throat”.

It was really hard for me. Trying to work out what I was feeling in relation to Daniel, and at the same time there was just really oppressive behavior from a lot of people that she’s chosen to surround herself with, directed towards me.

Daniel and another woman agreed on confronting Vlanto later on. We sat in the infoshop. Once again a poorly organized meeting. Vlanto was saying that I want “matriarchy”. That I’m a “Trotskyist”. That I’m not a radical feminist. That I’m a “neo-liberal feminist”. “The Enemy of Freedom”. And so on and so on. And that she didn’t exclude me because I’m a woman. I don’t remember whatelse. I’m glad there was a german man there, who was getting upset about the situation. Pointing out sexism here and there. I guess I was still just stunned. Numb. – “This is not happening.”

After all this misery, I met with Daniel and Hajni in Vienna. I used every moment I could to confront her. I lost my temper with her. She was saying that she wasn’t responsible for my exclusion. That it was about the people living together. That you have to respect what the others want. So, “if someone doesn’t want to live with white walls you don’t live with white walls.” I asked her if somebody doesn’t want to live with gypsies, then you don’t live with gypsies in the flat?

She was saying the name of a woman, saying that she’s a feminist and that she’s been visiting the flat. I was saying that just as in Hungary where the common prejudice is that there are the “good” gypsies who play music. And the rest, the “bad” ones who all do crime. And that I would then be the kind of feminist who just don’t happen to play music.

Daniel was present a few of these encounters. Just standing there. The same as she had when Maxigas and Vlanto had tried to exclude me in front of a room of 50 people. She did nothing.

It’s just weird. How much it can hurt. Talking about love. And justice. Fairness. And then it’s just there. Being stuck in patterns. We talked with Daniel about maybe meeting up, doing something. She said she’s with Hajni because she’s carrying her stuff around in her backpack.

It was weird. Like being this bullied kid. In Budapest being with Daniel in bed, and she saying she’s exhausted because she’s been having sex with Hajni. Saying that she can’t get me to speak with this person about her behavior towards me. But at the same time having sex with her.

And in Vienna. Daniel standing right next to Hajni and me. Hearing Hajni saying all these shitty ignorant things. And then me the bullied kid, standing there left alone. While she walks off carrying the books of the bully in her backpack.

Not really the “I invade your space” “and no children” ‘romantic’ ending.

Anyways. I’m 33 years-old, and I’m over the macho bullshit fairy tales.

I want the real thing. I want true love. Not fluffed up fantasies. Relations based on mutual respect. Freedom. A love that can make me heal. Support. Trust. A love that makes me feel safe. A love that can give me comfort. A love where it feels okay to give. Where hearts and stars don’t turn me into a loser.


3 Responses

  1. You want perfect love. But there is no perfect love.
    You’re a Dreamer.

  2. Your friend meant that you’re in a quest for super-people. Umbermensch = people who are able to go beyond themselves. According to Nietsche every human being should try to overcome their weaknesses; develop as much a possible to become a super-human in the end.


  3. […] I wasn’t prepared for that I was about to enter yet another hell… Read more about that here.) I always had the feeling I was intruding, and annoying people by bringing my exclusion in there, […]

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