posted by Daniel
Back to Budapest. Feeling out of place, weird and sick… again. Seeing people i have a history with. A history of abuse. Back and forth… meaning both sides being perpetrators and victims the roles switch occasionally, but in their social content they stay the same. Received a warm welcome by (m) when coming back to the „common flat”. He said on the phone before that he would like to see me kinda implying that he missed me. When arriving at the flat he touched my shoulders gently and welcomed me by saying usual small talk things (hi/how are you). It is really hard to describe how i felt. First there is a stinging sensation of surprise which „blows up” into a warm, nice feeling spreading through my body. I am welcomed. People like and respect me. Then the waves go away and i feel a hurting emptiness. It is not a „bad” feeling. „Just” emptiness. Something deep that sucks in and then it is hard to emotionally react on anything. I know this feeling well. I experienced it to the fullest before. Sometimes it is so huge and consuming that i try to distract myself from it, but it doesnt work. Then i get drunk or take a big walk or whatever. I remember last october when Jenny died. First i didnt believe it…. i just openly lied to myself denying the fact. Then it slowly settled in that its true. I couldnt bare… was getting really drunk and annoying people, telling them off then sitting alone in my room. The only thing i remember is that (f) was coming into my room and tried to talk to me. I didnt remember what. Afterwards she said i just kept telling her i wished i was dead.
Well… i know i dont want to die… but i know that its still hard to exist with every strong feeling getting this emptiness attached to it as an emotional feedback. While im writing this im sitting at my grandmoms place. A place from where i always tried to escape. I just cannot talk to these people (grandmom, mom, sister). Every word they say literally hurts my ears and makes me want to slam my fist into the wall. People who damaged me for life. Then there is the common flat. Sitting at the dinner table trying to figure out what the hell im actually doing there. Feels like family. Left alternative family. Welcome home. Sit down. Have dinner with us. (Expect to have emotional rushes that are hard to endure.)
It is really hard to get out of this state of emptiness. I dont fully understand what makes it stop. I just know it well what is it like to live with it. Everything being against you. Everything perceived as an attack that incites anger, sorrow, ignorance blabla lot of bad feelings i hate.
I am well aware that i am a borderline personality. This is nothing new to me. Everybody has to live with their own shit and try to work on it, but the problem is that the „me” is a social me. I am myself and my social relations. Its not that i can do whatever i want or i can be simply helped or i can simply help myself. It is utterly complicated. I hope this makes sense to people reading it. Going to stop now. 😛