It’s heavy – depression (sexism, racism)

by Milla

Feelings, nothing more than feelings. Anger. Sadness. Depression: the trick of being here, and still not.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings. Anger. Sadness. Depression: the trick of being here, and still not.

It’s heavy. To have been living with a conflict for so long. Every waking hour belongs to it. A life-style. Explain, explain, explain. A neverending repetition of the evil shitty things that have been done to me – over and over – cause nobody understands, nobody sees this as political. I get angry, sad. Mad.

It’s: Eat, shit, sleep, conflict. Drawing lines: “Come here – Back off – Stay away – Okay, try to get closer? Talk?”. Wondering what people are thinking. Understanding how sexism works better and better. How everybody wants to turn this into an ‘individual’ problem, and that I’m ‘selfish’ and ‘demanding’ for wanting to deal with this highly unjust and sexist exclusion. As if supporting me in being heard would not do common good, but only be something that would benefit me as an individual. It seems to be that a sexist exclusion is okay, if you don’t happen to like the individual. There’s no protection, if you’re not popular.

I had a chat with Ronja on this blog, about her voting me out, but she dropped the conversation. I heard that she brought up aggressive behavior, that Sony has been directing her way – that she talked about it at a house meeting at the social centre, and that, once again, it was treated as something she should deal with all by herself. Something between the two of them. I heard that she was thinking of not going to the social centre anymore because of Sony. Someone asked me if I could talk with her, said she was in need of support. I told openly that I can’t do that, until Ronja has taken accountability for her own actions towards me – until she’s willing to talk about her wanting me out. I feel she avoids the issue all the time. Not willing to sort it out. Not willing to explain her lack of solidarity.

I get angry in not getting support. I feel an infinite sadness in getting ignored. And a part of me feels nasty, and gets me thinking that now she can taste her own medicine. Now she can try out what it feels like. Deal with it by yourself.

I don’t think she would make the connection between male aggression towards me as a woman and male aggression towards her as a woman, and the non-supportive atmosphere. Maybe she blames herself for it. The same way she blames me for being treated like nothing. Sub-human. Woman. Not being listened to or cared for.

The betrayals and deception have cut deep. The non-solidarity has shook me, hit me, beat me up and left me trashed and bleeding, many times over. I seem to be walking around as a living dead most of the time. Autistic, unable to feel connection with others. Aggression turned inwards. Depression.

Eat, sleep, shit. Conflict. Waking up with no joy.

That’s what it’s like at the moment. I stay inside. Try to rest. Get some things written that I didn’t take time for doing before.

Today I felt okay for a while when I managed to educate myself on my own racism. I can draw a lot of parallels to my own oppression – makes it easier for me to recognize my own supremacist thinking and behavior:

Click on the following links to see the rest:

Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible 2

Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible 3

Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible 4

Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible 5

I heard that the woman who got hit at the Ladyfest punk gig, had been using the n-word towards the person who hit her. Apparently justifying it with that there are other persons she knows that ‘feel okay’ with her addressing them in this way. She didn’t support the power of definition of the person she had called Nigger.

She’s been writing on the Punk in Finland Forum that it felt a lot worse getting beaten by the person exposed to her verbal assault, than “any Nazi”.

Someone said that her group of friends had been making ‘sieg heil’ salutes as a way of “joking” and “having fun” earlier on, at the same event where the racist name-calling occurred.

I had been speaking with the guy who got exposed to racism, earlier that same evening. We were looking at the standard T-shirt prints of the social centre. Sosiaalikeskus Satama, with a military, camouflage feel to it – a font with heavy, block-like letters that seemed to be cracking. And the classic: FUCK AUTHORITY“.

We were talking of how much negative input there is in these “teen-angst” -expressions that by now have turned into a straight-jacket subculture to conform to. No individuality. The man was suggesting alternatives like: “Love authority, maybe they will love you back.”

On the other hand – maybe it’s time to kick back at some point, with racism and sexism constantly in your face, and zero recognition of the problem. In fact: Total denial, whenever the subject is brought up. As one person had written to me in an email: With friends like these, who needs enemies?



If you wish to check out Punk in Finland, feel free to click on the link below. Many seem to have a really negative feeling about this site – saying that they feel ill reading it; that it’s completely fascist. I’ve never read it myself.

The Punk in Finland discussion Forum infamous for bigotted comments.

The Punk in Finland discussion Forum is infamous for bigotted comments. In the picture - Note how the people on the lookout are passing out from drinking. A ship sailing aimlessly. Destination? - I would say: Going Nowhere.


2 Responses

  1. Falloksen voimaa ei voi pysäyttää.

  2. nazimachos fkff

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