Ladyfest will take place for the third year in Finland, this time in the capital – Helsinki. Most of the activity will be at the same place from where I have a two year ban – Social centre Satama. The ban itself is pure madness, and I really feel worried about exposing myself to a hostile environment, and still hoping to find allies and friends. People willing to see through the bullshit.
I will have a week inside the place, monday to sunday. May 11th to 17th. (d) and (j) said they would be willing to support me during this time by talking with me over the internet. This way I wouldn’t have to feel alone with what’s happening. I haven’t prepared anything apart from wanting to do workshops on the topics that I feel have been lacking and made possible the exclusion – facilitation and consensus decision making, awareness of sexism and organising against sexist structures.
I’m hoping to meet with feminists who are interested in taking a step out of the closet and start a revolution including self-reflection and open confrontation. A movement of self-criticism and change.
Lately I’ve felt exhausted. Not taking care of myself. I should figure out some escape after the week at the social centre. Really just focus on myself, disconnect from my obsession of getting heard and listened to with respect. Find a safe caring friend in myself. Sometimes – or, very often – I go self-destructive instead of nurturing and caring when I’m exposed to something negative. Like I did after having a bad hitch-hiking experience a few days ago, with a man expressing very dominant and sexist behavior. I was supposed to spend the night at this persons place – I’m so used to sexism and mad behavior, so I thought I would be fine with it. But I ended up leaving the place, sleeping outdoors instead. I wrote: “YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SEXISM ! ! !” on the person’s door. That’s me. I go nuts. I can’t deal with it. Total overload.
I ended up drinking and chatting with (d) – didn’t remember much of the chat, which is sad, cause I don’t want to be completely abusive and dysfunctional with her, I want to work on and develop what’s good in that connection.
I drank the day after as well, on the boat back to Finland. Didn’t have a cabin, went with some guy, that I had “sex” with. I thought I was over that behavior. I used to do a lot of one night stands. Drinking and just sleeping with whomever. Even had a slut-reputation for a while. It’s really twisted and weird being physically close with someone and at the same time totally disconnected. It’s ugly. I don’t want to be like this – and I realize it’s the lack of community, the lack of friends, the lack of good supportive structures.
Today, getting off the boat, in a sad shape and fragmented frame of mind. Still here after 6 years. I hate this country, and I’m still here. I fear and feel alienated by the scene, but I’m still there. Maybe some day I will ask myself the eternal:” Why?” and will come up with no good answers anymore. No more excuses to stay on.
Anyways, hoping that there will something positive coming out of the Ladyfest. Hoping that I will be able to find people who are not just looking for a nice party and a few days break from the oppression, but want to start working on something different and lasting. Now, not later.
Ladyfest Helsinki, 2009 — May 7th – 17th
or search for it on facebook and see what pops up.