by Cunt Incognita (Pina in Budapest)
I went through a long period again of just drinking and coping – and in drinking feeling more miserable, and even more like i’m just coping instead of living. Going psychotic on coffee alcohol and the eternal fixation-focus on being taken seriously. The focus i have on trying to point out sexism, and also getting recognition of that sexism hurts. The focus of trying to change things for the better. Make things nicer and less hurtfull in the end.
I don’t know why i do what i do. I get really triggered by people asking me over and over again “Why do you do it? Why don’t you find less hurtful people to talk and create with?”
Over and over again experiencing the same thing. There is no movement. There is a scene. And in that scene there is some awareness, but not enough to lead us to actually care for one another. Not enough to take clear stands. Instead dominant behavior is interpreted as a part of peoples personalities. Something we’re born with. Causing people to use their influence to spread their dislike for one another and the ones perceived as the “other”.
I see most of the conflicts related to power imbalance. Inequalities. It’s not about differing personalities, it’s about different power positions and the non-awareness of these systems within ourselves. Conflicts cannot be talked about or resolved, since this would break with status quo – and this in itself would go against the system(s). That’s the toughest part. Breaking the silence. And step number two – ignore the societal boundaries within; expressed as individual and personal boundaries. Force the ones with dominant behavior to listen and self-reflect.
Like now for instance. That (h) takes it upon herself to play mayor of Budapest and tell both (d) and myself that i shouldn’t even come to the city. Asking me what i would do there. Making a decision for not only herself regarding her dislike and hatred for me, but also spread that to “her” city. The 2 million living here are not able to make up their own minds on what bonds of solidarity and what likings and dislikings they have. both (pe) and (n) reacted on (h) telling me not to step foot on this particular area of land. Most seem to agree that she has a right to say no to having me in the common flat – without giving specified reasons – especially since she owns it. Mayor over some floor and walls and doors, and limiting the connections for the people inside that space, is not seen as ridiculous as taking ownership over the scene or the city. This is seen as her own personal boundaries, and she doesn’t need to discuss why others should be prevented from getting to know me.
It’s really simple stuff. Like having a social event in the community flat making pizza together. (d) in that case feeling that it’s okay to make the choice, saying to the people in the flat, that she’s spending some time with me, and since i’m not welcome in the flat she won’t be there either.
The constant self-reflection on my own boundaries, and where my needs go, since i’m so isolated and damaged all the time. The not coming to pizza because of hanging out with the outcast is not enough solidarity, when at the same time going over to the flat to share love and affection and intimacy with (h), saying with sighs that “she doesn’t understand” and therefor it’s “not possible” to push her to really listen. working on projects with (mx) and (h) that are clearly stated to be antiauthoritarian and at the same time let 2 [sic!] persons speak for the whole scene – community flat – infoshop – freeshop — city, without questioning the decision making process or their authority (but instead start defending their decisions because of this being a part of their own personal individual psychological boundaries that should be protected and respected at all cost).
The thing that attracts me to the scene are the words. I believe it is possible to put them into practice. Not just live in some fantasy world where we’re fighting evil capitalism and on the side just happen to have some annoying “others” creating “personal” quarrels about petty things like being excluded for their “otherness”. The scene is still not breaking with the norm of White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy.
I’m so angry for always being left alone in this. I’m so angry for being told that it’s not important and that the efforts i make are useless and worthless. I’m angry at the sympathy and solidarity always going to the ones maintaining status quo.
(h) has been using the usual stalling tactics [i’m not saying that she’s aware of her ignorance – just that she’s repeating patterns that are wellknown to me]. The first time i met her in person, was at an antifascist demonstration. I asked her about my exclusion and she told me she didn’t want to give me any reasons for it – that she had already explained why – i said i still didn’t understand the reasons, and that i would deserve to hear it from her. She told me she didn’t want to speak. She told me she had a sore throat. And eventually just walked away from the situation.
(mx) was at the same demonstration. I told her that there is clear sexism in her writings to me, and that we should arrange a meeting and talk about the exclusion. She said that she doesn’t want it. I asked her if she recognized the sexism in her writings, and she said no. I asked for a chance to at least get that talked about. And she said she didn’t care. She doesn’t want to talk about it.
It’s really that easy for the norm to refuse dialogue with the “other”. I go mad because of it. It’s simple and effective torture – getting ignored. Or listened to with a smile and told to deal with it the best i can. The issue is not important for the rest of the collective.
Like with (h) for instance. Looking for the evil somewhere else, not seeing her own lack of empathy in my case to be something related to the capitalist system she clearly stated in her correspondance with me to be more important than having a face to face talk where there might be a possibility of reaching an understanding that in fact — we do have a problem. And we should try to solve it.
I went crazy nuts because of not understanding the love and how it’s shared, and why it’s shared in this unequal way. (h) has spent hours on writing to me in order to avoid a meeting – saying that she doesn’t understand what the meeting is for. This in spite of me telling her that it’s about *Her part in an *Exclusion process regarding – *Sexism *Discussion Culture *Decision Making process. In short: The basics. If she’s prepared to speak for the City of Budapest; The Anarchists and Activists in it; The people that she share living space with; The people involved in projects like the infoshop and freeshop. If she takes on this role, she’s more than the innocent “child in a divorce” that she painted herself out to be in the mail where she told me to stay out of town. She is a person fully responsible of her actions, and she should be able to cope with dealing with what comes after.
(h) spent time writing to me about all the other important things and obligations that she has that prevents her from dealing with her own oppressive behavior. I’ve asked her to set a date for a meeting. And no clear answer. Just: “I’m stressed, not now”. And when i get into to town. The first thing i hear is that she’s been taking time to arrange a meeting regarding another exclusion process going on in the city. Creating a space where not only the dominant point of view spoken by a few men will be heard. It’s a meeting where the men will not be present, in order for other voices to get heard. The meeting is with the theme of – Sexism, Male dominance, Exclusion.
One woman will ask me to get invited to the meeting since it’s related to my own situation with (h) and (mx). And also cause it would make sense having a person like myself participating since i’ve stayed closely related to the afore mentioned subjects for about 9 years. Having a radical feminist in a meeting like this wouldn’t hurt.