Freedom

by Milla

Poo-scooping Verboten!

got hideously drunk yesterday. experiencing genuine finnish culture in a bar where people could get their suppressed emotions expressed in drunken karaoke. the usual “don’t leave me”, “you are the only one” songs with half-naked blond smiling women bouncing up and down in the background of the screen.

got home. drank any booze around the house. and eventually put my fingers down my throat cause i was just feeling sick. maybe there was even some memory loss.

missing out on a poly-meeting. which is a pity. something i look forward to. every 15th of the month. instead i’m here, by the computer, still trying to deal with the very thing that makes me sick.

getting the undiscussable talked about.  s-e-x-i-s-m. it seems like a completely unknown phenomenon to most people. nothing they recognize in their own behavior or in people they know.

it really drives me insane. getting the untalkable discussed is a maddening experience. i don’t know why i do it. why i don’t focus on taking care of my mental and physical health. get out of the city and cook and eat and breathe. it feels like i forget breathing all the time. get completely obsessed with trying to get some recognition to this huge problem called s-e-x-i-s-m.

i feel stressed by the blog. because hardly anything of all the insane shit that i’m exposed to ends up here. it’s just a fraction. and the human suffering and frustration. i wouldn’t know where to begin. moments of solidarity. there are plenty of those as well. still. no safe ways of dealing with it. i just dive in and do whatever comes to mind, fully aware that i will end up hurting. but the hurting in doing something and learning is better than the hurting in trying to put up with status quo.

hangover. head-ache. hangover. disappointment in myself for drinking. also a status quo. drinking in order to escape the obsessions. when meditation or physical exercise wouldn’t cause both the physical and mental agony that alcohol does. there are ways to feel better. but i choose not to. out of habit i guess.

s-e-x-i-s-m is a huge problem, but i don’t see why people make such a big deal out of it. the lynch mob atmosphere coming out whenever saying that “hey, sexism hurts”. the irrational fear of radical feminism – can anybody prove any harm done by radical feminism throughout history? i would really like to know. how about looking at the good things coming out of it?

how to make the truly insane behavior of s-e-x-i-s-m recognized as such by the ones doing it. like me and alcohol. leading nowhere. insane. i recognize it. i’m not in denial. just stupid. repeating the habit. hurtful shit.

with s-e-x-i-s-m there’s still heavy denial. historical burn the witch sentiments easily awakened in people. rumours starting. and off we go.  exclusion and victim-blaming and refusal to deal with it. there’s poo all over the scene (literally… many squats with dog and cat shit all over the place…) and nobody feels like picking it up. it’s out there in the open, and there i stand ready to scoop it up, but no. let’s kick her out. say that she wants to split the movement. like there’s some really good shit going on in the scene, and a feminist with clear intentions: “i got a scoop in my hand, and i’m coming in” is treated as a party-pooper. poo-scoopers are the enemies of freedom. poo-scooping is bad.

eeh. anyways. was going to make a post with a song i was dancing to yesterday after doing a lovely version of “losing my religion” with (p). after all the horribly monogamic-people-in-pain songs .. i recognize myself in it. been there done that. this time it’s different. like the song i was dancing to.

(this song is for you (d). hope you’re doing something to make you feel better. get out of the depression. — adding to another (d) who might possibly read this. that no, it’s not competition. just love. you can do it too, nobody’s preventing you. what the hell – the song is for you too.)

and more Depeche Mode on Freedom. (freestate lyrics)

I can hear your soul crying
Listen to your spirit sighing
I can feel your desperation
Emotional deprivation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your feelings show

Picking up the conversations
Deep in your imagination
Tune in to the lonely voices
Talking of their only choices

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your spirit grow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It’s time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom’s a state

I can taste the tears falling
The bitterness that’s inside you calling
Yearning for a liberation
Emotional emancipation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your senses overflow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It’s time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom’s a state

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One Response

  1. “can anybody prove any harm done by radical feminism throughout history? i would really like to know”

    Umm, yes, such as woman-born-woman-policy in the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival.

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