weird

weird one: one man has been chatting with me anonymously over the internet. we’ve been talking in english and swedish. dunno too much about the person, apart from that it’s someone who recognizes sexist behavior in herself. and that she’s super evasive in answering questions. and also super paranoid about the blog. was asking me to shut it down. or suggesting that i should get passwords to the postings and only have them read by my “friends”. saying things like: “EVERYBODY can read”. and that the blog is a threat. that i am a threat to myself by writing this.

then this person was writing an email to me asking this:

“About this prometheus camp, does it involve a hug after a massage (nothing more), or is it not even specified…?”

i think it was related to the posting i had about prometheus camps – these “coming of age camps” for 14-15-year-olds – where there was something said about physical contact being a part of the program.

i asked the guy about this comment, but she said that she was too embarrassed to talk about it. i was repeating “answer” over and over again, while the other person was just saying stuff like: “it’s late…” and “i have to do some cleaning…” and then “i think you can wait till tomorrow or some other time to find out, now that i’ve wakened your curiousity”

weird two: my mother has commented on the blog. a woman i haven’t had any contact with for quite some time (at least 5 years, since the last i saw her). i’ve broken off contact with both mother, sister and distant father. i don’t believe in “family”. i only believe in relations being maintained because of affinity, affection, care. not because of obligation or societal expectations.

a person gave me birth, nurished this lump of cells for some time. then there was a long confused dysfunctional relation happening. and now – on my part at least – it’s over. she tried to contact me over one of these “social-networking-community” -places that i’m on, on the internet. i guess she makes searches on the internet every once in a while. and comes up with random bits and pieces of my life.

i can recognize myself in that behavior. i guess a lot of people do the same.

her comment posted on the blog: “…miksi tämä sivu ei ole suomeksi Suomessa? Olenkohan minä “syypää” kaikkeen tähän debatointiin. Alku ja juuri.. Kraaam till er alla….”

[… why isn’t this site in Finnish in Finland? Am I to blame for all this debating. The beginning and the root… Huuugs to all of you….]

Since I assume she’s reading the blog I might as well answer her right here: this site isn’t in finnish for the simple reason that i’m not fluent in the language. it would be a pain for me to have it in english. and it’s in english because this makes it accessible to more people. and i really think this whole “conflict can only be resolved with ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, there has to be ‘winners’ and ‘loosers'” is something tried so many times that we simply can’t believe in it anymore. I want to try something new. The only problem is to find people who are into the same way of thinking. Most people are still more for finding someone to blame, than to look for (everybody’s) needs getting met.

hmm. the thought of suggesting this woman to have an open discussion about whatever it is she’s looking for in me (a “daughter”? someone who can fulfill her needs of …?)

weird three:

(d) is here. it’s strange. 4 days of constant talking. she was here a weekend before (about two months ago), to see if it would make sense to consider the idea of having a radical exchange. we continued talking over the internet. working on communication. i’ve been an emotional disaster, for a very long time, the conflict on getting sexism within the social centre scene discussed has sucked me in, and i’ve let it take over my life, my brain activity. everything. and it’s strange how effective it is. the oppression.

the rules are: You need to be perfect. You should know that you need to be perfect. And: Whatever you do (or don’t do) is wrong. That’s my current situation with the rulers of the social centre at the moment.

and (d) coming here is great. so many benefits. i’m not completely paralyzed anymore. she has a great caring and loving capacity. it’s a bit strange though, the mix of being a full human being, with full expression. not putting myself in compartments (“activist”, “human being”, “feminist”), all of a sudden so many things to take into consideration at once. how to organize everyday life / how to make the most of the bad timing (lack of preparation on my side), since the social centre won’t be available till the 10th 11th of january, when the keyes to the new place will be handed over / how to relate to touching, not wanting to and-or the fear of repeating habitual patterns when getting-being intimate with someone / mapping the different discussions, getting a more concrete structure of what we want and can get out of this exchange, getting creative.

it’s a strange switch. from severly damaged to laughter.

usually i write really fast. now i sit here. pausing at every word. many processes going on at the same time. so, i guess i’m learning.

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